Face-Lift 729

Guess the Plot

Finding Forest

1. Halia is a wild fairy, who lives in the scrub oak forests above Los Angeles. When wildfires burn through her grove, she must seek a new home. Also, a talking owl.

2. When a dead teen is revealed to be a robot, Forest and his friends wonder what's going on. Then the robot's creator comes to town. Is he here to repair the robot? Is he here to destroy the community? Or is he interested only in . . . Finding Forest?

3. Problem after problem thwart Yvonne’s search for meaning, and her new-found passion for the klutzy-but-unavailable Feng-Shui-for-Pets shopkeeper isn’t helping her. When at last she finds love stealing glances at her from across the therapy group, will Yvonne’s focus on the ‘trees’ give way to a view of the forest?

4. Waldo made his fortune creating those "hidden object" pictures in which children study a drawing searching for hammers and forks and cell phones. But lately the kids are accusing him of phoning it in; it's just too easy to solve puzzles like "Finding Ocean," "Finding Sky," "Finding Forest." The sad devolution of a great artist.

5. Little Janie Andersen always knew she was special. But one day, repeating a line from Forest Gump, “Run Forest Run,” the grove of pines near her house came to life and sprinted away. Now Janie needs the help of a good witch, a talking scarecrow and a tin dog to find the forest.

6. Mary Sue and her boyfriend Gary rampage through Brooklyn while stalking a were-zombie with Lovecraftian ambitions. Meanwhile the Greener in Pieces initiative (run by ghouls) has decided on drastic measures in the once-man vs nature war. Also, a kitchen sink.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

It takes a lot of courage – or stupidity – to rebel against one’s parents, but Jesse will need more than that [More than stupidity?] to stop Dr. Frey, because Dr. Frey is no father. [It's that old riddle. Dr. Frey is Jesse's mother.] He is Jesse’s creator, and after ten years, he has finally returned for his creation. Jesse knows nothing of this at first, but after the truth is revealed, Jesse is not about to comply with the doctor’s wishes. [Which are?] There are other problems in the community that are more urgent, like the death of Georgette, a friend’s older sister. A scientific investigation leads to the discovery that Georgette was not human, but a highly advanced robot. No such technology exists on post-apocalyptic Earth that could create a thing like this, so the mayors declare a community-wide lockdown. [If beings with vastly superior technology show up, you either make friends or run like the wind. It's unlikely the beings will have a dialogue like:

Leader: Okay, wipe out the puny humans and we'll make this place our base.

General: Yes sir, should take about two min-- Damn, the community's in lockdown.

Leader: Shit. Okay, let's try Mars.]

Jesse and two friends are caught sneaking over the wall during the lockdown, and don’t dare break the law again, but a friend of theirs, Forest, is in trouble. [Specifically, what trouble?] Despite his insistence that they leave him alone, Jesse and the others aren’t about to, but they aren’t sure what to do. Then fires strike simultaneously in different districts of the community and Jesse’s friends become suspicious of the newcomer who claims to be Jesse’s biological father. Worried that his secret will be discovered, Dr. Frey devises a plan to regain control over his creation by kidnapping its companions. Jesse escapes his grasp and manages to rescue the prisoners with help from an old tinker, but Dr. Frey hasn’t given up, and his true goal has come to light – the capture of their friend Forest.

At 50,000 words, Finding Forest is a middle-grade fantasy focused on friendship and the inner humanity shared by all beings [, even machines]. Thank you for your consideration of my novel.

Sincerely,


Notes

Either give Jesse a name that can't be male or female, or use "he" or "she," based on what Jesse looks like, even if Jesse's a robot.

Frey's "true goal" isn't the capture of Forest; that's his immediate goal. His true goal lies in why he wants Forest. Tell us, so we know what's at stake.

The plot doesn't feel cohesive. I'd start with the discovery that Georgette was a robot, then move on to Frey showing up claiming to be Jesse's father. Then get to the stakes: What is Frey up to, and how do Jesse and friends plan to stop him? And if it turns out all the kids are robots, you might want to mention that, too.

The title's not thrilling me, and not just because it's so similar to Finding Forrester.

Cartoon 575

Caption: Anon.

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

New Beginning 726

My hands are clamped around the scrawny neck of a squirming thirteen year old boy. From the corner of my eye I see a kid who is high up in the air stomping on his desk. He screams “EIEIO, and on his FARM he had a PIG, EIEIO…WITH A…” he screeches out pig oinks. I have been in my classroom for four seconds. The kid between my hands pasted a girl in the face as I walked in the door. She is bawling, head down, on her arms folded on her desk. The kid in my hands is looking at me wide eyed and open mouthed, terrified. I’ve got him, what do I do with him?

Two girls are necking while another videos them with her camera. A boy sits in his underwear, while his classmate sews up the split seam of the arse of his shorts ripped out by another girl who doesn’t look one bit sorry.

A group of bigger boys have a poker game going on in the corner. Betting is heavy.

As I look around, wondering what to do with this screaming, squirming lad, I can't help but think Hogwarts was a better place when Voldemort was still alive.


Opening: Bibi.....Continuation: Anon.

Cartoon 574

Caption: anon.

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

Face-Lift 728

Guess the Plot

Gypsy

1. Lana longs for the open road, but husband Gary wants to stay put. When he dies, she takes his insurance money to buy a big RV. On her way from Albany to San Clemente she meets different people, and at 87 she falls in love with aging screen idol Jack LeMans. Will they travel together to the end, or will she drive her RV through the great Farmer's Market in the sky?

2. They used to have a lot of negative stereotypes thrown at them; transients, tinkerers, thieves and prostitutes. Then the world was introduced to Frankie ‘the fingers’ and his inexplicable ability to snatch sickness from people as easy as stealing a wallet. It’s a latent ability that has been hidden among clans of gypsies for centuries until Frankie is exposed for his ability.

3. Rhodes Scholar Gypsy Rodes is hitting the road again—this time in search of her gypsy past. But after running into a dead end in Romania, she’s at a crossroads of a sort. Will she wander the highways and byways both physically and metaphorically until the end of time or can she overcome her gypsy past?

4. Gypsy Johnson's parents didn't think her ability to animate toys would force them into a nomadic existence--on the run from the law, the mob, and social services. Maybe allowing her to go to the Museum of Natural History with her pre-school class was a bad idea.

5. Kathy Barnes's parents are dead. To get her inheritance she must locate a man known as The Traveler. She jets off to Albania and meets a loathsome but irresistible Gypsy, but there's no sign of The Traveler. Maybe she should have gone to Moldova.

6. An old Gypsy woman travels through the Carpathians in a mule-drawn wagon, trying to avoid vampires, wolfmen and other cliche characters, but failing miserably.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

What do Gypsies, Klingons, and Gadjos (non-Gypsies) have in common? [Having looked ahead, I'll answer that: They all get mentioned in the first sentence of your query for no discernible reason.] Kathy Barnes is about to find out in Gypsy. [No need to say "in Gypsy." As we don't know your title yet, we may think you're talking about the Broadway Musical.] [Although I don't recall any Klingons in the musical, unless you count Mama Rose.] After her parents die under mysterious circumstances, Kathy—a modern-day American girl with a Gypsy lineage—receives a cryptic letter with instructions to find a man known only as The Traveler, the sole person who can help locate the family inheritance left to her. [When you're trying to locate a guy, it's never good to discover his nickname is "The Traveler."]

Two years, a bought [bout] with depression, and a closet-case of teenage alcoholism later Kathy turns eighteen and jets off to Albania, to begin her quest. Upon pick-pocketing her own wallet back from Gypsy thieves she devises a scheme to use them for information in her search for The Traveler. But her quest goes awry when she meets a Gypsy with a charismatic, overconfident demeanor she loathes—and a magical spark she simply cannot resist. [I usually find it easy to resist anyone whose demeanor I loathe.]

In a bizarre twist, Kathy uncovers secrets from her family’s past that date back to the Klingon takeover of Earth during World War II, [The Klingons had plenty of success, but I think they were prevented from taking over Earth.] and her life is thrust upon the brink of disaster when the Gypsy leader discovers her lies, her family lineage, and her secret mission to find the inheritance.

Gypsy is a 99,250 word YA novel geared toward a crossover audience (teens to twenty-somethings) that whisks the reader into an exotic world full of young love, lies, and unexploded landmines [Three is a good number of items to put in a list, but if you can come up with only two, it's best not to just toss in a random object.] in the heart of colorful Eastern Europe. [The only colors I think of when I think of Eastern Europe are gray and drab.] Evil Editor once said: “The question is can you say a hearty yes to your quest.” [True, he wasn't referring to my novel (or to any novel), but] My novel begs this same question of the reader. Will you follow Kathy on her quest? Will you answer the call when your own adventure arises? I hope you said a “hearty yes” to these questions [Actually, I tried to ignore them, as they seemed irrelevant, but in retrospect they were annoying enough that I believe I'll use them as an excuse to send a rejection slip. I'm petty that way.] because Gypsy was written to inspire the adventurer in all of us.

This is my first novel. The capstone for my Bachelor’s degree was a research project I conducted on Eastern Europe and the three countries (Albania, Serbia, and Moldova) used for the setting of my story. [Moldova's a country? When did that happen? Ah, research shows my geographical knowledge needs updating. Apparently their main claim to fame is the boy band O-zone, who came to prominence in 2004, when their hit song "Dragostea Din Tei," also known as "The Numa Numa Song," took over the #1 spot on the Eurochart Hot 100, replacing Eamon's "Fuck it (I Don't Want You Back)".]

The manuscript for Gypsy is complete, and I would be happy to send a partial upon your request.

Thank you for your time, Evil Editor. I look forward to having my query letter ripped to shreds.

Sincerely,


Notes

It's not clear why Kathy needs to "use" the Gypsies to find The Traveler, or why her lineage is being kept secret from them. Why doesn't she just say, "I'm of Gypsy lineage, like you guys, and I'm looking for The Traveler. Seen him around?"

If the main plot is Kathy's quest to find The Traveler, can you hint at whether she ever finds him? I hope your answer is a hearty yes.

What's the Klingon secret? Kathy's great grandfather was a Klingon collaborator, and the inheritance is his ill-gotten gains? There's no harm in telling us. Why is she on the brink of disaster when her secret is discovered, if she didn't know the secret herself until she got there? What danger is she in, and what's her plan?

Dump the Evil Editor stuff and use the first sentence of that paragraph to open your last paragraph.

How the heck did the Klingons get into this?

Cartoon 573

Caption: Anon.

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

Saturday Film Series

Face-Lift 727

Guess the Plot

Ballad of a Gutter Punk

1. Yeah, it's my autobiography. What do you mean, you don't like the title? Listen, I was CEO of Halliburton and Vice-President of the United States, I don't take lip from the likes of you.

2. Abandoned by her parents, her friends, even her social worker, a teen turns to drugs and prostitution. But through grit and determination she manages to turn her life around completely, getting a minimum-wage job and food stamps.

3. What do you do when you’re born in a gutter, live in a gutter and will probably die in a gutter? Well if you’re Jeffrey Einhorn, you compose the most amazing and perfect ballad ever written. A ballad that brings world peace.

4. On his 18th birthday, Faerie Prince Aureon lost all his powers. With the most recent Guide to Being Mortal in hand, he sets off to spend the year until his powers return in the human world. Chaos ensues.

5. Geoffrey thinks nothing speaks louder than words, but Prucilla takes one look at his new neon mohawk and disagrees. Will the poet's mother kick his up-and-coming behind into the gutter, or will she have a good rest home in her old age?

6. Homeless teen Charlie Coffee pulls himself up by his bootstraps and becomes the top bowler in the United States. But when he starts rolling too many gutter balls, only sports psychologist Barry Childs can keep Charlie from falling back into the gutter.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor:

Baby comes from nothing and is going nowhere. Or at least, that’s what she’s been raised to believe. [It's what she's been named to believe. Naming your baby "Baby" is like naming your dog "Dog." Doesn't show much imagination or effort.] So it comes as no surprise to Baby when, at the age of seventeen, she’s dumped unceremoniously into the gutter.

At 119,000 words, Ballad of a Gutter Punk is the tale of a troubled young woman becoming fractured and then putting herself back together again through hardship and struggle. [Think feminist retelling of the classic "Humpty Dumpty."] Baby’s story begins the day she takes her little sister Emily by the hand and they run away from their father and stepmother to their now clean-and-sober mother’s house. Emily finds a comfortable new life there. Baby doesn’t. Within a few months her mother kicks her out, sending her on a two-year roller coaster ride bouncing from one foster home or group home to the next until, disgusted, Baby runs away to her girlfriend Deonya’s house, only to find that she isn’t exactly excited to see her. The next thing Baby knows, Deonya kicks her out and she’s told by both her mom and her social worker that they don’t want her back, either. [Getting dumped by friends and family is one thing, but when your social worker tells you she's letting you go, you start to wonder if the problem is you.] Baby has become a gutter punk. [What's the difference between a gutter punk and a guttersnipe? Actually, I imagine even the gutter has a social hierarchy of its residents, something like:

hobo
guttersnipe
vagrant
gutter punk
Amy Winehouse]

And she’s quickly devoured by homeless life. Baby leaves her hometown of San Jose, California for Santa Cruz, a liberal seaside town reputed to be more tolerant of homelessness, and befriends Rowdy [Yates], a pillar of the homeless community. Rowdy promises Baby adventure and protection [on his next cattle drive], and he lives up to his promises—at first. Unfortunately, Baby doesn’t know that Rowdy’s promises come with sexual strings attached. [How naive can you get?] When he attacks her at a shelter Baby’s illusions of protection are shattered and her humanity begins to erode. Over the next few months the daily trials of homelessness wear down Baby’s resistance and she plunges headlong into her new life of drugs, prostitution, and casual sex. [And then things get really bad.] Very little remains of who she was before she fell into the gutter.

Until Baby meets him—Corey McEwen, her flawed knight-in-shining-armor—at the soup kitchen. [He recommends the minestrone.] Corey gives Baby a reason to remember who she really is, [An untouchable.] the motivation and the ability to climb out of the gutter, and he gets her pregnant the very first time they have sex. [What a guy.] Baby follows Corey out of the gutter—albeit several weeks after him [Luckily he's made it only as far as the sidewalk.] —and across the country where they set up a new life in Pennsylvania with Emily. They get minimum-wage jobs and food stamps [Not exactly a Horatio Alger story.] and begin to eke out an existence together. But it’s not enough of an existence to support the life growing inside Baby, so she and Corey make a decision to give the baby up for adoption. It is a decision that puts Baby back in touch with the grieving child inside herself, the child she has been running from for so many years.

Thank you for your consideration of Ballad of a Gutter Punk. I look forward to hearing from you soon.


Notes

When you're pregnant and destitute, making your way from balmy California to Pennsylvania doesn't seem sensible. What made them decide to do this?

Emily gives up a comfortable life with her mother to travel across the country with her destitute gutter punk sister and the homeless guy who knocked her up? How old is Emily?

We don't need this much information in a query letter. Three sentences of setup in which we learn Baby has been abandoned by everyone and has hit rock bottom. Three sentences in which she meets Cory, gets pregnant and they decide to drag Emily 3000 miles with no prospects. Then wrap it up with the happily ever after: food stamps.

People like to read about people whose lives are more exciting than their own. Baby's life is miserable and doesn't get a whole lot better. If there's something uplifting about her story, you might want to make it clear.

Cartoon 572

Caption: Angie

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

The 4th Annual Oscar Guess the Plot Quiz

Below are the titles of the 2009 films nominated as best picture. Your job is to guess which of five plots is the actual plot. The other four are fakes provided by the Evil Minions.

Avatar

1. Sam Wazowski lies down for a catnap in what appears to be a tanning bed and wakes up in the body of a graying overweight cartoon character with muttonchops and eye lasers. He soon learns that in order to restore balance to the universe and make Jim Cameron a gazillion dollars he must defeat a renegade alpaca, a giant brown eyeball, and Dave.

2. Geek-queen Charlene gets the chance of a lifetime to play her hero--Lizard Girl--in a made-for-TV movie of her favorite video game, while Oscar, her best friend, plays the first transgender superhero on the small screen. Is this the show that finally knocks American Idol from the top spot?

3. Computer geek Lloyd Burrows has just created a blue-skinned cartoon character as his avatar when an electrical surge not only changes him into his avatar, but transports him into a world of other blue-skinned people. Should he join them in their war against humans, or try to return home?

4. Lonely, obsessive technogeek Phil Ravin is driven to the brink of suicide in his desperate search for an image that will appropriately represent himself on Facebook. Will a chance encounter with beautiful photographer and graphic designer Liesl become his salvation, or just make his stutter worse?

5. In exchange for the spinal surgery that will fix his legs, paraplegic Jake Sully gathers intel as a member of the Marines' "Avatar" program. Will Jake walk again, or is he just being used by the ruthless Colonel Q?


The Blind Side

1. A homeless boy becomes an All American defensive lineman. Sacking quarterbacks is his specialty, and gets him drafted into the National Football League. But what will happen when he runs into a left-handed quarterback, and can no longer rush from . . . the blind side?

2. Brian and his siblings have been pulling off a series of complicated bank robberies to pay for their mother's expensive medical care. But Brian's been keeping a secret from his brothers: he's going blind. Soon, he won't be able to see enough to pull off the jobs. Can they make enough to save their mother's life, or will their leader go blind before he can lead the last job?

3. Biologist Gloria Smitzden discovers a rare breed of vampire bat that seeks out food by heat and smell. Can she discover the bat's blind side before millions of the tiny beasts devour Denver? Also, a revenant.

4. In 1957, the inmates at the Hudson Asylum for the Handicapped group themselves by disability. When a partially deaf black man is accepted, he finds the one part of the cafeteria where he can be accepted is... the blind side.

5. In a world where cars have been replaced with sentient dodecahedrons, perennial loser Harold Mipkis just got suckered into buying a lemon named AL. Every time AL turns left-diagonal-up, he/it crashes into a fire hydrant. Can Harold learn to compensate before the entire city is flooded and his auto insurance goes up?


District 9

1. Private detective Steve Logan, hired to follow a Republican White House aide, stumbles on a square mile area of mass graves in rural Virginia. Can he get to the bottom of who's buried in "District 9," before he gets to the bottom . . . literally?

2. When the star ship bearing aliens nicknamed "The Prawns," showed up, we welcomed them. Now we're sick of them, so we've confined them in a militarized slum called District 9. Maybe if we treat them bad enough they'll move to Mars.

3. When a Congressional hearing uncovers a massive military cover up involving the funneling of billions in taxpayer money to a non-existent district in order to fund illegal black ops, the military’s representative, Col. Dukar, tries to convince Congress that District 9 does in fact exist, it’s just more like, um, District 9 and three quarters, you know, like that Harry Potter thing. Will Congress accept this explanation, or will they press on until the truth is revealed and the corruption laid bare?

4. Sam never believed in reincarnation but when he discovers that his latest incarnation is as a giant cockroach in District Nine, he sets out to build a criminal empire of insects in this post-apocalyptic, nuclear-scarred world.

5. Vice squad cop Harry Polk thinks he's responsible for cleaning up Atlanta's red light district . . . until he discovers all the usual suspects have taken their acts to "District 9," where people can have sex with insectivorous aliens, and where life is cheap.


An Education

1. Unprecedented documentary charting in real time the development of the human male brain from birth until full maturity. (Running Time: 6 Years).

2. When Billy and Bobby invade the high school girls bathroom at PS 35, they get an education in the finer points of those hygiene machines hiding in the closed stalls. Plus, plans for balloon animals.

3. Rebellious boys at an oppressive elite prep school threaten to blow the school up if the administration doesn't lift the ban on nude Graeco-Roman wrestling.

4. 17-year-old Jenny's sole ambition is to be accepted in Oxford. Then she meets David, a man more than twice her age, who convinces her that maybe there are more important things than school and books. Like having sex with an old guy. Romance ensues. Ewww.

5. Working on his sociology dissertation, a treatise on inner-city street life, Paul Hodges learns more in one week with prostitute Vera than he learned in sixteen years of school. Not that that's surprising.


The Hurt Locker

1. Hurt locker is soldier slang for "very bad place," which is what soldiers used to say until they decided it sounded childish. Anyway, this very bad place is Iraq, 'cause it's got lots of bombs that go boom!

2. Pete, the nerdy water boy of St Regis High Schools Boys Football team, gets his dream come true when he locks quarterback and BMOC Jason Masterson in his locker, thus solving his immediate problem of low social status. The real question is, how long will he have to live after Jason gets free? Plus, a dog with incontinence.

3. Iraq War vet, Adam Somerall, realizes that the older you get the less there is to love in this world. In fact, the ONLY thing he loves now is sitting in his dark cramped bedroom closet watching Pauley Shore movies over and over and over on his grainy handheld DVD player for 23 hours a day. Unfortunately for Carol, she loves Adam.

4. Every soldier who's been assigned locker 467 has been killed in action within a week. When Charlie Fowkes gets it, he must decide whether to hope it's a coincidence or whether to go AWOL.

5. As punishment for his crimes against cinema for the gorefest of Alien and the sheer misery of 1984, actor John Hurt is sealed in a metal trunk and lowered to the bottom of the Marianas trench. There, he meets a diminutive cartoon mermaid, and the two of them get started on corrupting the kids.


Inglourious Basterds

1. Determined to never fail another spelling test, ten-year-old computer genius Mikey and his friends set out to hack into dictionary.com.

2. A grupe of studints at a presteejis prep skool rebells agehnst cunvenshun by wershipping ded powetts, scipping math klas, and travaling to 1940s Frants ware thayle be doing wun theeng and wun theeng onlee: mispellin Knotzies.

3. Docu-drama providing a behind-the-scenes look at the day-to-day activities of the U.S. Senate.

4. A skwad uv Amairiken soljers hoo R all Jooish & kawl themselvs "The Basterds" R givn a mishin: tairrorize the Therd Rike by skalping Notseas.

5. A lifetime of blowing off high school, smoking pot, eating cheese treats and playing video games prepares Tommy and Timmy for nothing more than to sit in bars and become infamous, inglourious bastards, or--as they misspell it--basterds, until the aliens arrive and conscript them into the galactic terror squad.


Precious

1. Once upon a time, a long, long time ago, the most beautiful girl in the world, Princess Honeysuckle lived in the garden of earthly delights. Lately, she's been reanimated as a salesgirl with big bones at the local mall where she has to deal with vapid blondes, renegade redheads and brunettes with fake boobies. Will she achieve redemption in the makeup world or will she get an AK47 and blow away her rivals? Plus, a shaved schnauzer.

2. An eccentric book collector in Soho stumbles upon an obscure Tolkien masterpiece. As he begins to thumb through the pages, he is magically sucked into an elaborate fantasy world enriched by unique languages, eventually realizing it's the same damn story but told from the perspective of Precious, the ring.

3. Poor, angry, illiterate, fat, unloved and generally unnoticed, Precious Jones is the perfect character to spend a couple hours with. Also, incestuous rape and child abuse.

4. The lives of six old men and a dopey kid, gem wholesalers in modern day NYC, are turned upside down when a runaway teenager named Precious Stone knocks on their door. After she tells them about her mentally and physically abusive aunt in Queens, they allow Precious to stay and for the first time in her life she finds happiness. Until the day her aunt shows up disguised as a Jehovah’s Witness and persuades Precious to take a bite of a poisoned apple. Then she dies, 'cause there ain’t no fairy tales in Brooklyn.

5. When a baby is abandoned on the steps of a New York police precinct, and the detectives can't find her parents, they take turns caring for the child, leading to numerous amusing situations. Okay, semi-amusing.


A Serious Man

1. Professor Larry Gopnik's wife is leaving him for one of his colleagues, his son's lazy, his daughter wants a nose job, and his beautiful neighbor torments him by sunbathing nude. Can anyone help him cope and become . . . a serious man?

2. Once, President Barstock was a Serious Man but ever since the tri-sexual, three headed Greevves of Gygax, a small world orbiting Alpha Centauri, zapped him with the cosmic silly ray, he's been partying like there's no tomorrow. Can Shakeela Shortbread find the raygun of serious and un-zap the President? Or are we destined to have a clown for president until the next election.

3. Juan O'Reilly has never laughed in his life. Which is going to make a great game show ("Make Juan Laugh!") until Juan falls in love with his producer and can't stop laughing at her terrible puns...

4. Theodore Prescott Dursk has lived his life the best way he knows how, finding work as a tax accountant, an undertaker, a court stenographer, an annuity consultant, a scholar of ancient Etruscan literature, and a monk. After suffering a heart attack at age 45, Theodore decides it’s time to kick back and have a little fun, and pursues his lifelong dream of becoming a Royal Guard in front of Buckingham Palace.

5. Comedian Gary James has made a career of mocking the elderly and infirm. Now he's 73 and dying of cancer. Oddly, it suddenly doesn't seem so funny.


Up

1. In search of happiness and enlightenment, new age couple Skye and Chad find a mysterious book that reveals the location of Nirvana.

2. Despondent demon, Iscrap, makes up his mind to be all that he can be. Deep in the bowels of hell, he finds a scroll that can redeem him and return his status as one of the Angels. The only thing that's holding him back is that he must go UP in a hellish world where everyone else is going down.

3. An hour in the life of a drug addict as he prepares his next dose of crack, argues with his prostitute girlfriend, and has a debate with the fish crackers.

4. When mild mannered accountant, Richard Johnson, accidentally swallows a genetically modified radiation-saturated pill, he develops superhuman abilities that enable him to satisfy every woman's desires. But on day 729, disaster strikes when Richard walks in on his bathing grandma, and the as-yet-unsatisfied women of the world shudder to think that Richard might not be able to keep it... Up.

5. Sentenced to live in a retirement home, Carl Fredrickson embarks on a solo flight out of the country, little knowing that his aircraft has a stowaway aboard. Also, a bird named Kevin.


Up in the Air

1. Look, up in the air, it’s a bird, it's a plane, no, no, it's genetically engineered cows with wings. Plus a talking dog and a cat with three pairs of buttocks.

2. Ryan Bingham loves his job, traveling the country firing people for corporations that want to downsize. Then his boss hires Natalie, who develops a method of video conferencing that will allow termination without ever leaving the office--essentially threatening Ryan's job. Irony ensues.

3. Sequel to Up. The hour after Up, our hero, now high on crack cocaine, aimlessly falls around his apartment seeking solace for his high from the likes of a bottle of gin, a tub of cookie dough, and the power of scrubbing bubbles.

4. The highly anticipated sequel to Up. This time around, Richard Johnson must battle motion sickness, a sore back, and Al-Qaeda terrorists while servicing all of the world's female flight attendants.

5. George Clooney turns in an Oscar worthy performance in this epic biopic of high flying traveling trapeze artist Leandro Azevedo, the only person on earth to have traveled the entire Amazon without a boat or shoes.


Correct answers below.


Fake plots were submitted by:

Dave F., Blogless Troll,
Sarah from Hawthorne, Evil Editor,
Anon,
Landra G., Dominique,
Whirlochre. Angie

BTW, fake plots are currently needed for all titles in the query queue.

Answers

Avatar: 5
The Blind Side: 1
District 9: 2
An Education: 4
The Hurt Locker: 1
Inglourious Basterds: 4
Precious: 3
A Serious Man: 1
Up: 5
Up in the Air: 2

Cartoon 571

Caption: anon.

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

Face-Lift 726

Guess the Plot

The Epic

1. While cramming for his exam on Epic Tales Through the Ages, Brian finds himself transported into the Odyssey. Can he survive the Epic quest and make it to his final on time?

2. An enthusiastic young writer sets out to pen the great American novel. But upon finishing it, he can't think of a title, one that is simple, encapsulates the story, and yet conveys the grand scope of the plot. So, he settles on . . . The Epic.

3. While hiding in the library from bullies, 11-year-old Steve Carter stumbles on an epic fantasy novel. First just an escape, it becomes a template for solutions to his own problems. But after the book accidentally gets destroyed, can he keep his life from falling apart again?

4. To pay off her educational debts, a girl is ordered to write an epic poem recounting the exploits of the king. But before she finishes, the king sparks a new war. New exploits will mean new stanzas. Will she ever be finished with . . . The Epic?

5. By the first day of filming, sweeping epic To Do or Die is already being called a movie for the ages. Then strange things start happening on the set, each predicted by disturbing images slipped into the dailies. Can pathologically shy production intern Salma Msuya save the day?

6. One warm April day, seventeen-year-old Jordan Wing leaves his small Montana town with a minivan, $583, a violin, a schedule of 48 state fairs, and a prognosis of less than a year to live. He doesn’t know what’s going to happen next. He just knows it’s going to be epic.


Original Version

By 3200 BCE the sumerians had developed a stable writing system, but it wasn't until five hundred years later that one woman stumbled onto a story that deserved to be preserved for all time.

THE EPIC, my completed 70,000-word historical fiction novel, recounts the journey of SinArala, a woman in search of a life free of male domination. When her father sacrificed her younger sisters to the gods in hopes of being granted a son and her mother died of a broken heart, she was left alone to bear the brunt of his rage. Seeking to find him a new wife, one who's [whose] bad luck she hopes will be the death of him, SinArala travels to a neighboring village. On the way, she meets Enkidu, [Change that name to Inka Dinka Doo. Trust me.] a mysterious savage, and the two strike up an improbably [improbable] friendship. Knowing that the people of her small village will surely kill him, SinArala keeps his presence a secret but when the Mad King, Gilgamesh, unexpectedly makes an appearance at her father's wedding and catches a glimpse of him, the hunt is on. [What is it about Inky that would cause the king to interrupt a wedding so he can be hunted down?]

Enkidu [Inka Dinka Doo] [Now that's entertainment.] proves elusive quarry until a sharp eyed villager guesses at SinArala's secret and Gilgamesh decides that she would be the perfect bait. Unwilling to be the instrument of her only friend's capture, SinArala attempts to flee but is caught by her father. She's sure that the beating that ensues will kill her until Enkidu [Okay, you don't like Inka Dinka Doo, how about Inky-Doo? He's like Scooby-Doo, but he's an octopus.] [Octopi are the midgets of animated films. Occasional bit parts, but never starring roles.] [I thought that movie Octopussy was going to be their breakthrough, but it didn't even have a live octopus.] steps in, sacrificing his own freedom for her survival.

Cast out from her family and her village, SinArala travels to the great city of Uruk where she finds shelter in the House of Heaven and trains as a scribe. When a chance encounter years later reunites her with Enkidu, now the Mad King's beloved companion, [She took a massive beating, refusing to give up Inky, and he becomes the king's beloved companion? How'd that happen?] Enkidu seeks to marry her. Unwilling to trade her life of relative freedom as a scribe for marriage to a man she hasn't seen since she was a child, [She was a child when she met him? How old?] she puts him off by explaining that she is not free until she has repaid her debt to her school by completing a master work. [Don't you wish you could pay off your college loans by writing a novel?] Eager to help his friend and further his own fame, Gilgamesh orders her to write an epic chronicling his exploits. Torn from the temple and life she has grown to love, SinArala has no choice but to comply and once again live her life by a man's whim. [Nowadays we don't allow cruel and unusual punishment; we've come a long way from the days when you could be forced, on some mad king's whim, to write an epic poem.] [It's cruel, of course, because even though they'd developed a writing system, they forgot to invent paper. Paying off your college loans by writing a novel is less attractive if you have to carve it in stone.]

Left in a palace full of strangers while Gilgamesh takes an unwilling Enkidu on yet another adventure, SinArala delves into the Mad King's past while trying to make a place for herself in her new home. When the two return, having procured precious wood from the god's forest, they inadvertently spark a war not only with a neighboring city state, but also with Uruk's own temple cast. Caught in the middle of the conflict, SinArala watches helplessly as Enkidu's insistence that Gilgamesh make peace causes a rift between the two friends. To spite [In spite of] their differences, when Enkidu is captured by the invading army, Gilgamesh still risks everything to save him. In the end, however, it is Enkidu who must save Gilgamesh, and all of Uruk, from destruction and SinArala who must live with the consequences. [What are the consequences? She has to write a few more stanzas?]

Thank you for your time,


Notes

This is a synopsis. If it's supposed to be a query, you need to shorten it considerably, and explain that you've written a fictional account of how the ancient story of Gilgamesh and Enkidu--possibly the earliest known literary writing--came to be written and preserved.

Synopses come in many lengths, including this length, but the pace of this synopsis is inconsistent--too fast in the last paragraph. It goes, in just a few sentences, from gathering wood to a major war, to Enkidu being captured and saving the kingdom from destruction to whatever this means for SinArala. It's like the instructor announced you had two minutes to finish your synopsis, and you went into panic mode.

That Enkidu became the king's beloved companion suggests that being a mysterious savage is far from a death sentence. What made SinArala think Enkidu would be killed?

Seeking to find her father a new wife, one whose bad luck she hopes will be the death of him, doesn't sound like something a child would think of or try to pull off.

Cartoon 570

Caption: anon.

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

Success Story

Sarah from Hawthorne reports that her screenplay justice/vengeance (Face-Lift 642) has placed in the top ten of the American Zoetrope screenplay competition.

http://www.zoetrope.com/contests/

Face-Lift 725

Guess the Plot

Accidents and Incidents

1. Harry, the sole bed-wetter of 6th grade, is sick of his "problem" and the students who mock him for it. Then one day he's found, wet-panted, at the scene of his worst enemy's dismemberment. Now it's up to homicide detective Eddie Jackson to figure out which came first: the accident or the incident.

2. Andy (a.k.a. Crimson Fury) quickly learns the difference between the accidents his nemesis causes and the incidents that lead to him to becoming the hero he is today in this story of superheroes, villains, and the boring alter egos everyone is trying to avoid.

3. Or is that Incidents and Accidents? After two years of arguing with her twin brother Kyle about the title of their joint memoir, Priska Brooks is hit by a falling piano. Accident? Priska thinks not. Once her bodycast is off, Kyle's in deep doo-doo. Sibling rivalry at it's best.

4. The memoirs of Des Moines' top medical examiner aren't exactly thrilling reading, so editor Kelso Tompkins decides to enhance the story to make it salable. Now the old doctor is a national hero, and Tompkins is still an underpaid, overworked editor. Maybe it's time the old doctor made his final house call.

5. The first incident was followed nine months later by the accident: Leslie. Now Leslie's in high school, and she's fallen for Cain, which is sure to lead to an incident when Leslie's boyfriend and Cain's girlfriend accidentally find out.

6. Accident: running over a squirrel. Incident: running over your boss. Accident: dropping your coffee at Starbucks. Incident: dropping your pants at Starbucks. Alexander's life alternates between accidents and incidents until he's ready to shoot himself . . . or get eaten by a shark.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor:

When circumstances bring seventeen-year-old Leslie together with a mysterious stranger and members of the high school elite, she discovers she's not the only one haunted by a painful past.

Leslie was an accident, abandoned by her father before she was born and at odds with her mother ever since. [Ever since what?] Now, with a boyfriend who treats her as an afterthought, her life feels like even more of a mistake. But staying with Keith means keeping her seat at the popular table, and winning the attention of Cain, the school heartthrob, [Who would name their kid after one of the most notorious murderers ever? Okay, maybe someone who had narrowed it down to Cain, Hitler, and Borgo the Disemboweler, but that's about it.] who also happens to be Keith's best friend. As her feelings for Cain grow stronger, Leslie is torn between denying them and giving in, betraying not only Keith but Meredith, Cain's girlfriend whose perfect life isn't as perfect as it seems. [Is it really betrayal to dump a guy when you're dating him only because he sits at the popular table?]

And then there's Dennis, [Who would name their kid after Dennis "the Menace" Mitchell, among the most notoriously evil characters of fiction? Only someone who had narrowed it down to Dennis, Hannibal Lecter, and The Joker.] the loner whose dark past overshadows Leslie's own. As their paths continue to cross, Leslie wonders what Dennis is trying to escape. But can he trust her enough to share his secret, or will he let it destroy him? [Is Dennis the mysterious stranger? If so, that's not clear; being a loner doesn't make you a stranger. If not, why is the mysterious stranger, who is the most intriguing character, mentioned up front and never again?]

Everyone seems to have something to hide--including Leslie. As her fate becomes entangled with the lives of those around her, love and friendship hang in the balance, and she must risk her heart to find where she belongs. [At the social outcasts table.]

I earned an MFA in Creative Writing from the University of Alaska Fairbanks and have had poetry published in several literary journals. As a teacher and librarian, I have also worked with teenagers for the last twelve years and believe I know that audience well enough to write for them.

Accidents and Incidents is complete at 80,000 words. I have enclosed an SASE for your response and would love to send you the rest of the novel. Thank you for taking the time to review my work, and I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,


Notes

Right now it sounds like literary fiction for teens. If Dennis or the mysterious stranger is a vampire, that needs to be in the query. Alaska would be a good place for a vampire, as the nights last 23 hours. If there's no vampire, do you have a good explanation for why not?

This is mostly a list of your characters and a bit of vague information about each of them. Focus on Leslie. Does she go after Cain? If so, how? What are the repercussions? If not, is the whole book high school students talking and thinking, or is there a major event you can build the query around?

Do you need Dennis and Meredith in the query? Meredith's life isn't perfect and Dennis has a secret? So vague it doesn't interest me; either be specific or don't bring it up. Which is more interesting? Dennis's secret, or the fact that he has a secret? If the latter, you need to give him a better secret. Your goal is to get me to want to read your book, which you do by making me think the story is fascinating, not by keeping your own secrets.

Cartoon 569

Caption: Anon.

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

New Beginning 725

The hard jerk from the tight luggage rack snapped the handle, dry wood cracking on a scalding January morning. Jana’s sandal upper chose that moment to part with the sole. Sliding her heel kept the sole on her foot. Hauling the suitcase by the broken strap, half skating, Jana detrained graceless and clumsy. Smiles bounced around her struggle down the platform. Jana snapped opened her suitcase, fished out runners and tossed the sandals in the Feed Me! bin. A room, a part time job in a dining hall and enough of a scholarship waited for her if she could snag the right bus. She needed all four.

Curdled and soured, the land of fat free lattes and golden honey gleaned from collapsing hives formed a harsh landscape. From Iowa, Jana was poor but had her shot at university. Serving and clearing tables twice daily came with a tiny salary and room. Free meals were the deal maker.

But Jana was never one to take the easy way out. Rather than getting a student loan and paying in-state tuition at Iowa State like all her friends, she'd flown halfway around the world to attend the University of Alice Springs. She felt as out-of-sync as the Southern Hemisphere seasons, especially when she realized the "University" was an ironically-named bar catering to anti-intellectual ranch hands. And all the lattes were made with heavy cream.


Opening: Bibi.....Continuation: John

Cartoon 568

Caption: Anon.

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

Saturday Film Series

New Beginning 724

Leaning forward, Jane Fogg trained her Nikon on the scarlet tanager in the canopy of leaves. The songbird cocked its head. It would be a good photo. The muted light was perfect.

“Stay there, you little bastard,” she whispered. “Stay there, stay there.”

Branches cracked across the creek. Mouth open, the birder forgot about her shot. A black saucer-shaped craft flew through the sparse woods on a low trajectory toward the ground, mowing down thin green saplings and clumps of underbrush. The impossible craft grazed a huge oak. Spinning, the saucer veered off, skimmed the forest floor, bounced, came down hard, and crashed in the distance with a sickening metallic thud. Screaming birds flew up out of the trees.

Twenty seconds, and that was it.

“A plane crash,” the birder said in disbelief.

Somebody might be trapped in the wreckage. With a pounding heart, she slung the Nikon around her neck and slid down the overgrown embankment to the creek. It had to be a military aircraft.

---

The instructor stopped the film. "OK," he said. "Now, what was Ms. Fogg's worst mistake here?"

One student raised a hand. "Going alone into an unsecured danger area instead of calling for backup?"

"Pretty stupid, but not the worst. Anyone else?"

"Assuming the flying saucer is a military aircraft and not, well, a flying saucer?"

"No, though that's still pretty dumb. Next?"

"She didn't get any pictures," the third student said.

"Right! The camera's round her neck, not in her hand. No shots of the saucer, nothing on the screaming birds flying away - she didn't even get the goddamn tanager, for Christ's sake!" The instructor glared at Jane. "You call yourself a birder?"


Opening: H. Grant.....Continuation: Steve Wright

Cartoon 567

Caption: John

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

Face-Lift 724

Guess the Plot

Playing Dead

1. Kaleena Shrapner, agent of the Midwest Regional Supernatural Control office, is dead . . . but only in the realm of the living. In the realm of the dead, she's alive. Which is highly annoying to those in the Realm of the Dead who are dead. Or undead.

2. Unlike all the other foxes, Eddie hates hunting and killing. Eddie enjoys the relaxed life of swimming in the pond and lounging in the sun. So, taking a cue from his possum friends, he plays dead in order to get everything he has ever wanted in life: to do nothing. But will he be happy?

3. Sick and tired of school bullies and his overbearing parents, 17-year-old Gus decides to start over by faking his own suicide - only to be shocked when his long time crush admits in her eulogy that she's always had a thing for him. Can he carry on a romance from beyond the grave?

4. After years of dinner theater and TV commercials, classically trained actor Jacob Foxworthy finally gets not one, but two chances at legitimate theatre. But which role should he take? The ghost of Hamlet's father, or Higgs in The Real Inspector Hound?

5. Eric Tripp wants everyone to be sorry, so he engineers his own suspicious disappearance. In front of the TV at the vacation cabin he's broken into, he sits back to enjoy the weeping and searching. Except there isn't any. After three weeks, he gives up and heads home--only to discover no one remembers him.

6. It's 1974 and Bob's dream has come true: front row for the Grateful Dead. When the keyboardist dies midway through "Truckin'," Jerry calls out, "Can anyone play piano?" Bob can, but getting on stage will tip off the IRS that he's been . . . Playing Dead.


Original Version

Dear Agent,

My name is Michelle Garrett, and I am [telling you this because I'm worried I'll forget to sign this letter. I am] seeking representation for my fantasy novel entitled Playing Dead, complete at approximately 120,000 words. Below is a very brief synopsis of a twisting and turning story. [Turning and Twisting. Alliterative synonyms should be listed alphabetically unless they also rhyme.] I have made significant progress on the sequel, yet to be named, and I plot material for additional novels in the same world as Playing Dead outlined. [Say what?]

Kaleena Marie Shrapner has just graduated with a degree in Supernatural Control. [Apparently you can get a degree in anything these days. I assume she attended Paranormal University?] Now, as one of the newest and fastest-learning agents at the Regional Supernatural Control office in the Midwest, she has been assigned the task of killing a notorious demon named Botis. [They send one green agent to kill a notorious demon? Who do they think is gonna win between Kareena Marie Shrapner and Botis the Notorious?] When the tables are turned and he kills her instead, [I don't wanna say I told ya so, but . . . ] the adventure really begins as she regains consciousness in the Realm of the Dead, fully functional and alive. [Also known as undead.] [We will assume she's fully functional and alive from the fact that she does stuff in the rest of the query.]

Wrapped up with the disintegrating barriers [Whaddaya mean, "wrapped up with"?] between the three realms, Living, Demonic, and Dead, Kaleena must learn what it is she has become: the newest Traveler. [From whom can she learn this? Is everyone in the Realm of the Dead alive?] To make matters worse, she’s the only Traveler and the only one who can heal the collapsing barrier separating the three realms … [Actually, she's not the only Traveler, as another one appeared in Face-Lift 305.]

… And the best resource she has for knowledge may be the very demon that killed her.

I've been writing for fun for about six years, and I've had a chance to really watch my writing develop and change. I've finished five novellas previously, and [Delete this paragraph up to here (if not entirely) and use the extra space to explain what happens if the barriers disintegrate.] I have been published as a co-author for a children‘s story called “The Lonely Monkey“ in the anthology The World is Our Home: A Collection of Short Stories, written for children in Rwanda learning English. Thank you for your consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely,


Notes

I suggest dumping the entire first paragraph and starting the last paragraph: Playing Dead is an urban fantasy, complete at 120,000 words.

There's not much here about what happens after "the adventure really begins." All we know is Kaleena will try to mend the barriers and it may or may not be useful to consult Botis the Notorious on the matter.

If there've been barriers separating the Demonic Realm from the other realms, how does anyone know Botis is notorious?

Has the barrier already disintegrated? If not, how can Kaleena get to Botis? If so, why haven't thousands of demons spilled into the Living Realm?

Out of curiosity, if the barriers disintegrate and Kaleena goes back into the Realm of the Living, will she be alive or dead?

They wouldn't call it the Regional Supernatural Control office of the Midwest. They'd call it the Midwest Supernatural Control office. Actually, they'd probably give it a name whose acronym is pronounceable, like Supernatural Control Alliance of the Midwest.

Cartoon 566

Caption: Anon.

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

Success Story

Bernita Harris reports that she has a story in the new anthology Weirdly, Volume III.

Synopsis 24

Ryan is a young boy, unhappy with his small-town life. He is, however, given the opportunity to see the world when a soldier rides into town and recruits him. Ryan demonstrates exceptional skill with the sword, and is made the squire to the most skilled knight in the realm, Armand. Unfortunately for Ryan, Armand doesn't want a squire, and resents that his superiors are forcing such a burden upon him. This resentment creates an escalating conflict between the two, which is reflected in the backdrop of war between the Kingdom and its rival, the kingdom of Triol. [The most skilled knight in the realm is seriously involved in an escalating conflict with a young boy? Over what, his bedtime?] [And you compare this escalating conflict to an actual war?] [One kingdom is called Triol and the other kingdom is called . . . the Kingdom?]
[According to Wikipedia, the typical duties of a squire included the following, which leads me to believe having a squire was not a burden, but a necessity:

• Carrying the knight's armor, shield, and sword,
• Holding any prisoners the knight takes,
• Picking locks on fair maidens' chastity belts,
  
• Rescuing the knight should the knight be taken prisoner,
• Polishing the knight's lance . . . frequently,
  
• Ensuring an honorable burial of the knight in the event of his death,
• Replacing the knight's sword if it was broken or dropped,
• Oiling the knight's knees and elbows after rainstorms,
  
• Replacing the knight's horse should the horse be injured or killed,
• Acting as the knight's human shield while facing a fire-breathing dragon,
  
• Dressing the knight in his armour,
• Reaching under the knight's armour to scratch his itches,
  
• Carrying the knight's flag,
• Arranging the knight's Round Table poker games,
  
• Removing the knight's codpiece to allow urination without rust.]

Renek is a man who wakes in a monastery after having survived a great disease. [You seldom see "great" being used to describe a disease.

Knight 1: I just got over a great case of leprosy.
Knight 2: Big deal. I'm recovering from some fantastic scurvy.
Knight 3: That's nothing. I survived a sensational case of Black Death.]

He has the trappings of a soldier--an ancient sword and some serviceable, if simple, armor--and decides to travel to the war's front to seek his forgotten past. Like Ryan, Renek demonstrates finesse with the sword. Initially, upon meeting Renek, the commander distrusts him; however, Renek is too valuable an asset to the army, and so the commander allows him to participate.

Both Renek's and Ryan's units are told to search for the legendary Swords of the Ascendancy, swords made by gods. [You know how much the army values you when the big battle's approaching and they send you on a mission to find a legendary item. Sort of like when I was in the army and we were supposed to take an enemy camp, but before we made our final charge my sergeant took me aside and said, "Much as we'd like you fighting beside us, we need you to go search for the hammer of Thor."] Their similar stories intertwine as they track down the weapons' resting place. As they each separately enter the mountain where the swords hopefully lie, it becomes clear that they are doing so at different times; the mountain is the same, but Ryan enters a living mountain, [also known as a volcano,] with strange creatures guarding the swordchamber, [When you're looking for a sword and all you know is it's inside a mountain, it's always convenient to discover the mountain has a swordchamber.] whereas Renek enters a dead mountain, with dessicated bones instead of living beings.

Ryan finds one weapon where there should be two; Renek finds a broken chamber empty of swords. However, Renek does realize that the ancient sword that he has carried all along is one of the weapons that he sought. [Sort of like when you're searching for your glasses and you discover that you're wearing them.] [Which would be worse: spending weeks searching for a sword only to find it's in a room guarded by strange creatures, or spending weeks searching for a sword only to find it's hanging off your belt?] Both Ryan and Renek leave the mountain having discovered one of the weapons, and both return to the front of their war with the Triols.

At the front, Ryan's wielding of the sword shows great power--too much power for him to control. He struggles, but fails to contain the sword's power; it's release destroys most of both of the armies. [When you realize that your god-made sword is destroying your own army, you might consider trading it in for a non-turbo model.]

Renek, however, has no problems controlling his sword; it seems to have little power beyond what his arm can lend it. He struggles through superior strategy, but more limited resources, and the battle comes to a bitter ending, with only a few dozen soldiers left on each side. During the last few pages of the book, Renek's memory returns when he recognizes one of his boyhood friends. He realizes that he is, in fact, Ryan--somehow he has been given another chance to do things right. [But has failed, as both armies were wiped out again.] He stands up, renewed, determined to make the most of that chance.


Notes

Is Renek's sword the same one Ryan found at an earlier time? If so, how come it's no longer uncontrollable?

Renek realizes he's been given a chance to do things right, but what things? The army was wiped out the first time, and it's been wiped out the second time. What went wrong that's left to do right?

Apparently Renek's been given another chance through magic or time travel? How do we know he didn't just have amnesia?

As this synopsis is plot-only (no title, no genre), maybe you should stay with the plot consistently and not step out to make comments like "During the last few pages of the book," and " it becomes clear [to the reader] that . . . "

Cartoon 565

Caption: Anon.

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

New Beginning 723

People became prisoners of many things. Love, money, and even time. Being bound to a pair of gloves never made it to Callen’s top ten list. Of course it was what the gloves represented that made them penitentiary status.

Standing at his locker, Callen shook those thoughts from his brain while scrupulously plucking a tan pair out of its package. These gloves were a lighter material to prepare for the impending spring weather and would provide respite for his sweaty palms. Besides, the others pair had seen their day.

He calculated that each pair lasts an average of two months. The fingertips were always the first to fray, followed by the edging along the palms. He was always surprised by how much use his hands got in any given day. He could probably develop a better prototype someday.

And make his life even more about the gloves? Screw that, he thought.

Callen glanced both ways making sure he was alone in the hallway. Every other sophomore was at lunch. He was excused to the bathroom. The lunch monitor, Mr. Stuckey, always took pity on him. Probably figured he needed more time, with the gloves on and all. Savoring this moment of freedom from the confines of his glove detention, he examined his skin in the flailing fluorescent lights. Mottled red bumps ran along the tops of his fingers and moved in jagged lines down his wrists.

He felt disgust.


* * *

"Well?"

"Yes, well, while we at Garrigan's Gloves were initially intrigued by the offer of 'subtle and subliminal' product placement in your novel, I'm afraid this isn't quite what we had in mind..."


Opening: Christina.....Continuation: Anon.

Cartoon 564

Caption: Anon.

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

Face-Lift 723

Guess the Plot

Foxfire

1. Exiled from her village, Quill happens upon Fox, injured and lying in a ditch. They make a pact: Quill will Nurse Fox back to health and Fox will teach Quill to survive in the demon-filled forest. When they discover the demons' dastardly plans, which may include burning down the village, they must decide whether to issue a warning or to relax and enjoy the carnage.

2. Toni "Foxfire" Harris is the youngest pilot ever to be awarded her wings for SHEPARD - a super-secret branch of the Air Force. When the aliens attack, will her skill keep her in the air long enough to save the planet? And why do those alien boys have to be so gosh darn CUTE?

3. Alan is writing like a madman. Why? He's had a novel handed to him on a silver platter- in a dream, to be exact. After months of typing till his fingers bleed, lest he forget a plot twist, he has another dream: Joyce Carol Oates suing his ass for plagiarism.

4. When Jared and Jason's father is killed by a mysterious explosion at the Foxfire Lab, they know there's more involved than a simple gas leak. Can they find the culprit--or will they unleash a zombie apocalypse?

5. International superspy Jack Halligan is betrayed by his own side and framed for a crime he didn't commit. To clear his name, and prevent nuclear war, his one chance is to seduce the glamourous femme fatale known by the codename Foxfire. Given the circumstances, Jack will have to wait till next week to come out of the closet.

6. A black-ops unit investigating sudden radio silence from a nuclear command bunker discover a team of high school nerds have disabled America's nuclear arsenal. Is it a political statement, or just a way to impress girls?


Original Version

Dear Mr. Evil Editor

Nineteen year old orphan, Fox, lives alone in the forest, struggling day to day against hunger, isolation and the elements. [It's rough growing up an orphan, but when you reach the age of nineteen, it's time to consider leaving the forest and checking out civilization.]

Oh, and the Demons.

However it’s not the man-eating demons, but a fall, which puts Fox in jeopardy. He’d always thought he’d be devoured by the demons, not that he’d die because he didn’t watch his footing… like his father.

When her irresponsibility causes the death of a child, fifteen year old Quill is ousted from her village, sent to live alone in the forest amongst the demons. It’s not even the death sentence that angers Quill, but the knowledge that the village thought they’d be better off without her, despite her remarkable tracking skills. It’s those skills, however, which turn her condemnation into hope when she discovers Fox injured and trapped in a ditch. [All the important information from the first three paragraphs (there's a demon-filled forest and Fox is injured) is contained in this paragraph, so why not start the query with this paragraph?]

Surely they can’t trust each other; after all, it’s abandonment which brought them together in the first place. But a deal is made: Quill will help Fox recuperate if Fox teaches Quill the way to survive amidst the forest and the demons.

Their trust in each other grows until a demon attack reveals a shocking secret about the nature of the demons, their land and its residents [--a secret so shocking that to reveal it here might cause cardiopulmonary arrest in the reader].

Now Fox and Quill have to make a decision: do they stay complacent and suppress the secret, dooming their abandoners to death? [It would be most refreshing if that were their decision. I recommend rewriting the ending to make it so.] Or do they risk their lives in an attempt to expose the truth?

Foxfire is an 85,000 word fantasy novel. I have a BA in English with an emphasis in creative writing from the University of Minnesota and this is my first novel.

Thank you for your time and consideration.


Notes

It may seem obvious to you (and to Evil Editor) that your main characters are a fox and a porcupine, but I suspect some readers will need this spelled out for them.

What's the secret?

How does exposing the truth risk their lives? The demons are already their enemies, and if the villagers would kill them for coming in with a warning, they can always find some other way to warn them. A letter nailed to a tree in the village square at 3 AM, for instance. Is there some reason Fox can't enter the village? I didn't get the impression he was an outcast, just an orphan.

Cartoon 563

Caption: Stacy

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

Saturday Film Series