Face-Lift 625

Guess the Plot

The Magic

1. When 13-year-old Spenser meets magician Morgan Miracle, he wonders if this guy can help him finally get rid of his imaginary friend. Also, two skeletons and a ghost.

2. Science geek Connie has not only figured out the secret to popularity - she's bottled it and is selling it for 40 bucks a pop. But what will happen when the entire student body is dosed up on ... The Magic?

3. Stage magicians Royal and Donat have been rivals since they were boys struggling with the five-ring trick. When they are swept into a world where magic is real, and recruited into opposing armies, will they cooperate to find their way home, or joyfully pitch enchanted fireballs at each other?

4. A loose zoo monkey bites surly waitress Robbi Newport on the ankle, and on Friday she calls in feeling like death with the flu. Monday morning she gets to work on time, but Bob the chef panics when she swoops in like a bat, rearranges the architecture, and starts gobbling raw steak.

5. Mad Felix, the terrible red-eyed ghost of Cousin Sally's cat, levitates his Datsun toward a midnight duel with Uthgar, Son of the Horde. Was he upset by something Sally said? Or is his temper adversely affected by the miniature nuclear reactor Cousin Dave left in the trunk?

6. As the mystery of the Baskerville cat deepens, body parts are found, storm clouds threaten, detectives are summoned, and little Jim-Bob Jenkins goes missing. But nothing can stop Roland Reinhart from cuddling up with the one he loves. Unless, perhaps, it's that man-eating Bengal tiger prowling the 'hood.


Original Version

Dear Editor:

The first rule of magic is never, ever tell how a trick is done. After all, you don’t want to spoil the illusion. [Interestingly, that's also the first rule of hot dog manufacture and editing.] In the Buckler house, the same applied to family secrets. But sometimes rules, like promises, need to be broken. And you do want to know what happened, don’t you? How the bones got into the lake and how they got out again? Where the money came from? How Spenser Buckler discovered who his father was?

With these words, Eddie, the imaginary friend of thirteen-year old Spenser Buckler, introduces us to the Buckler family, [If the first paragraph is the start of the book, making it the hook of the query kind of dilutes its effectiveness for the editor. Especially as you may be enclosing the first x pages with the query. Plus, I wasn't sure I wasn't reading a query for a nonfiction book the way it began.] the leading political and economic dynasty in the town of Quarry, Ohio. Spenser, who suffers from epilepsy, may be the heir to a fortune, but his life is a mess. His grandfather Hiram, a state senator, disappeared shortly after Spenser’s birth, his mother abandoned him to his grandmother’s care in order to pursue an academic career and no one knows who his father is. Hounded by the town bully Arnie and desperate to get rid of Eddie, who refuses to go away, Spenser spends the summer before he turns fourteen trying to uncover the family secrets.

Defying his grandmother, Spenser visits the local magic shop and meets Morgan Miracle, a retired vaudeville magician, who becomes his mentor and his friend. When his mother arrives for a visit and is forced to remain in town, Spenser hopes she will reveal the identity of his father. Through the discovery of two skeletons in the lake behind the Buckler property, Spenser learns the identity of his father. [Are they talking skeletons? How do they reveal anything?] He also finds out that he had a twin sister, Edwina, the ghost of whom is the true identity of the imaginary friend he is so eager to shed. [This paragraph is just a list of some things that happen. Choose the most important one(s) and elaborate. Leave the others out of the query.]

The Magic is an 85,000 word YA novel that explores the importance of family and the cost of keeping secrets while offering information about famous American magicians of the 20th Century

[Spenser: Oh my God! How did these skeletons get here?

Skeleton 1: Your father was the gardener at the Buckner estate.

Skeleton 2: Did you know that magician Doug Henning (1947 - 2000) was born in Manitoba and grew up in Ontario? He performed his first show at the age of 14 at the birthday party of a friend.]

and teaching about epilepsy. It is complete and has two sequels. [One of them, The Dummy, is the gut-wrenching story of Morgan Miracle's losing struggle with pancreatic cancer, into which I've sprinkled anecdotes about great 20th-century ventriloquists; the other, Balls and Clubs, involves Edwina, Parkinson's Disease, and famous jugglers.]

I am a teacher and a published author whose stories have appeared in Alfred Hitchcock Mystery Magazine, 42opus, Tertulia Magazine, and The Oyez Review, among others. I have been awarded a Fiction Fellowship from the Midwest Writers Conference and the Leo Love Fiction Award from the Taos Writers Conference.

I hope you will consider representing The Magic and would be happy to send a first fifty. [I'm not happily sending you fifty until we've signed a contract. And I recommend you set your sights a little higher than fifty, even if it is your first novel.]


Notes

There's a guy with a magic shop, and a ghost. Is there actual magic?

I wouldn't start out with the first rule of magic if you aren't going to talk about magic. Yes, you mention Morgan Miracle's magic shop, but you drop it immediately, so I can see no reason it's in the query.

I would start out: Thirteen-year-old Spenser Buckler, who suffers from epilepsy, may be the heir to a fortune, but his life is a mess. That gives you more room to explore the plot.

Telling us there's a magic shop and a character with epilepsy is enough to convince us we might learn something. Telling us you've worked in information about 20th-century magicians and epilepsy serves only to make me worry you've interrupted the narrative flow of the story. (See the Write Like Cassie Edwards exercise, February 24, 2008 on this blog for exaggerated examples.)

A 13-year-old main character with an "imaginary" friend may be better suited to middle grade than YA, although this may be longer than most middle grade books. Maybe you should focus on the Morgan Miracle/Spenser relationship (I'm assuming Morgan is a major player).

Mostly what this needs is plot. You quote the opening of the book, give us some setup, and then list some events. I want to see a logical progression of events.

Cartoon 371

Caption: Anon.

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Anniversary Celebration

Three years already? It feels like only 36 months ago we started.

Link below to a special blogEEversary something or other. And don't leave without watching the film.

http://blogeeversary3.blogspot.com/

Cartoon 370

Caption: Anon.

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Face-Lift 624

Guess the Plot

Leonard the Great

1. Leonard doesn't have any problems with being run-of-the-mill. Unfortunately, his father is Phil the Fabulous and his younger brother is Richard the Very Awesome. Is there something incredible in his genes?

2. I am tasked with telling the story of an amazing man, one who led Subiru through its greatest triumphs and darkest hours. From the horror of the great Muskrat Swarm to our victory over Hoondai, he was our King. But no one must ever learn about the goats.

3. Leonard Albacore's mission: get his master, Sir Ronald the Mediocre, a seat at the Round Table. But when Sir Ronald gets arrested for attempted bravery without a license, will Leonard have what it takes to spring him from the royal dungeon?

4. Leonard got called a lot of names growing up: Leonard the Fat, Leonard the Smelly, Leonard the Plain. Later, he became Leonard the Bald, Leonard the Flabby, and even Leonard the Limp. But now, with an unexpected inheritance and a bottle of Rogaine, a vial of Viagra, and a gutful of Hydroxycut, he can finally be . . . Leonard the Great.

5. In the twenty-third century, popes are chosen from among the crowds gathered to celebrate the winter solstice in St. Peter's Oblong. Leonard Jones, stumbling his way from one great Italian restaurant to another, pops in for a drink at the Vatican's La Trattoria PietroPaulo and finds himself anointed before he can finish his beer.

6. Leonard is just another downtrodden cubicle-jockey, until the CEO has a breakdown and declares martial law throughout the building. Suddenly Leonard's detailed knowledge of places to hide and sneak a smoke is vital to the survival--and eventual triumph--of the entire staff.


Original Version

Dear Editor,

Leonard the Great is a middle-grade fantasy novel (77,000 words) set in the days of King Arthur. It's the story of Leonard Albacore, [Already this is sounding like a fish story.] a young page who dreams of getting Sir Ronald the Mediocre, his kind but incompetent master, a seat at the Round Table. [Ah, I was wrong. It's a fish-out-of-water story.] After a chance encounter with a suicidal dragon, he cooks up a plan that will get both of them what they want -- death for the dragon and a sure-fire invite to Camelot for Sir Ronald.

But the plan backfires horribly when the [tuna cartel get wind of the plan and suggest that the] snooty Knights of the Round Table show up and arrest Sir Ronald for "attempted bravery [and fishing] without a license", dragging him off to Camelot's dungeons. Wracked with guilt, Leonard vows to do whatever it takes to free his master even if it means having to outwit dangerous monsters, doing battle with an ancient evil that has taken over Camelot, or going on a dangerous quest with a girl that takes his breath away every time he looks at her.

Full of rough and tumble action, this boy-centric novel is also rich with irreverent asides and unique characters.

I would be happy to send a sample chapter at your request.

Sincerely,


Notes

This sounds good as it is. It does open the door to a question, namely how is going on a dangerous quest with a girl and outwitting dangerous monsters connected to getting Ronald out of the dungeon? Did the knights give Leonard these tasks, like the Wizard of Oz tasking Dorothy with getting the witch's broomstick? I would suggest dumping the monsters and quest and focusing on the ancient evil:

Wracked with guilt, Leonard vows to do whatever it takes to free his master. But now an ancient evil has settled over Camelot, causing A, and unless Leonard can B, C will happen. Presumably you know your ABCs. Better to give us one super-adversary than to make it sound like a series of unrelated events. (This might be true of the book as well as the query, but I assume the connection is made in the book.)

How hard can it be for a suicidal dragon to die? If plummeting from 20,000 feet won't do it, walking into Camelot breathing fire should get the job done.

Cartoon 369

Caption: Roger Eschbacher

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New Beginning 630 (Excerpt)

Joe hung back and rode behind the wagons. It smarts bein’ traded for a horse. Jus ‘bout any way a body look at it, it’s belittlin’. Young pup Kincaid goes and gets his horse kilt, then wants old Joe as payment. A slave see a sight of twisted things in the world, but this beat all. An’ Kincaid puts on like he done the right thing, like a nigger ought to be happy and beholden. “But I ain’t no nigger,” Joe swore to himself. Decent folk jus don’t uproot a person like that. Black or white. Fifteen years workin’ for Lerocque, even though he be the masser, means somethin’. Goin’ through good times and bad, sharing cold camps, short rations, and danger; binds people together. Even masser and slave. Lerocque weren’t so bad. He only gave a taste of the lash oncst, and then he didn’t lay it on hard.

No, sir, ain't nothin' worse 'n' bein' traded fer a horse.

Joe mumbled to himself for the next hour, till the group fetched up at ranch. He followed Kincaid and the others as they wandered over to a paddock where a huge horse was kicking up a storm.

"Holy smoke," Garrigan said, pushing back the brim of his hat. "That's one wild stallion. Jeez, look at the size of his--"

"That's the truth," Kincaid said. He leaned on the fence. "Reckon he's frustrated. A meeting with my mare woulda calmed him down enough so's he'd take a saddle."

"Mebbe so, Kincaid, but what you gonna do now yer horse been kilt?"

Kincaid thought for a while, then turned toward Joe.


Opening: Wes.....Continuation: Anon.

Cartoon 368

Caption: Anon.

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Diabetes Auction

As I'm not thrilled with the continuations I've received for the remaining openings, and have received no more than two fake plots for any of the queries waiting, I'll use this space to mention that The Brenda Novak Auction begins May 1. I've offered six items, one of which has been declared a 1-day auction, and the others of which will run throughout the month of May. There are numerous opportunities to get your manuscript in front of specific agents or editors, to meet authors, to buy vacations, jewelry, autographed books, and lots more. All for a good cause. You can view all the stuff up for auction by clicking here and then on the categories on the left of the page.
The EE items:

	Item	Title	Type	Bid	Ends
FEATURED LISTINGS (sorted and displayed first)
	1306200	FOUR Consecutive Chapters of your Book Edited by EVIL EDITOR [preview] (1-day auction. 5/29)		$ 2.00	39 days 05 hrs
	1294602	Your Book Featured in Evil Editor's August Book Chat [preview]		$ 2.00	41 days 05 hrs
	1294591	Your book (up to 100,000 words) edited by Evil Editor [preview]		$ 2.00	41 days 05 hrs
	1294600	An Amusing Book Trailer (created by none other than Evil Editor) for Your Book! [preview]		$ 2.00	41 days 05 hrs
REGULAR LISTINGS (sorted and displayed after any featured listings) Hide Thumbnail Images
	1306198	Complete EVIL EDITOR Library PLUS CD, All Autographed [preview]		$ 2.00	41 days 07 hrs
	1306199	YOUR BOOK Featured in an EVIL EDITOR FILM [preview]		$ 2.00	41 days 07 hrs

Cartoon 367

Caption: Anon.

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Saturday Film Series

Remember: What happens in Evil Editor's Shorts stays in Evil Editor's Shorts.

New Beginning 629

It’s an interesting experience, rushing headlong through the woods after dark. The trees and bushes scratch me like they’re trying to and it’s a wonder I haven’t slammed into anything solid enough to break bones.

Ugh, it’s hard to breathe, probably because of the Goliath-sized arm clamped around my waist. I didn’t ask to be carried, but the monster doesn’t care. I wonder if the ride would be more comfortable slung over its shoulder.

And honestly, all this for a rose? It was nobody’s, growing by the pathside!

Hey, light… some sort of building up ahead—stone, maybe. Medieval, with a giant gateway and courtyard.

Wait, medieval in Colorado? Nearly as weird as a tabloid! But the building has to be medieval—torchlight, stone walls, a tapestry with more square feet than my family’s house. Well, at least I’m out of the trees.

I wish I could take a better look at those tapestries…. No, what I’d really like is to be home hot tea and some Robert Frost. Goodness, at this point I’d take reading Poe alone on a stormy night with no electricity!

Well, maybe not Poe, but I think you know what I mean.

The monster stops at the top of the stairs. I can see some swords on the wall, stained glass windows, carpets on the stone floors.

A tall man in a long coat walks over to me. "So this is my rose thief, yes?"

I glance up at him. Dark hair, impossibly good-looking, and fangs. Vampire fangs.

I drop my head. How in God's name did I get trapped inside a crummy romance novel?


Opening: _*Rachel*_.....Continuation: Khazar-khum

Cartoon 366

Caption: anon.

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Face-Lift 623

Guess the Plot

Harper Street

1. To Kill a Sparrow, To Kill an Albatross, and To Kill a Dodo were all flops. Sooner or later, Harper Street will just have to face it: she's a cheap imitation.

2. From where I lie, I've seen them all-dames, dolls, dicks, devils. On one end it's the sticks, the other, the docks. In between it's penthouses and parks, slums and schools, churches and chopshops. I'm more than just a slab of asphalt: I'm Harper Street, and this is my story.

3. Mandy drives her Hummer to the Harper Street Mall to shop for shoes, but her heel & buckle man is none other than Dwight Lopez, undercover super-spy, who suddenly needs to borrow Mandy's car and lipstick to flee assassins so he can stop the Tinker, a deranged mastermind with a nuclear device in a shoebox.

4. Once the realm of the wealthy elite, Harper Street has fallen on hard times--which is why I've chosen it as my personal hunting grounds. I'm Geoff Van Der Plaz, the sexiest, most ruthless vampire of them all.

5. Who is killing the homeless? I'm Addy. I run the shelter, and I've fallen for one of the homeless guys, but that's the least of my problems. The cops think I'm the obsessed serial killer behind all the grisly murders committed lately, here on . . . Harper Street.

6. Everything gets strange when we move to the mansion on Harper Street and Tyrone digs in the backyard and finds bones. Ramona convinces him we can make it a tourist attraction. She'll sell tickets and tee shirts. And all I need to do is train the ghost.


Original Version

Dear Agent:

I have recently finished a 90,000 word romantic thriller titled Harper Street, for which I am seeking representation.

Tucson celebutante Addy Harper gave up her carefree lifestyle when a drunk-driving accident caused the death of a good friend. Ten years later, her former friends would hardly recognize her – she’s the hardworking director of the Harper Street Shelter, named after her deceased father.

Along with funding the shelter before he died, Ben Harper also left Addy one half of his multi-million dollar empire – If she could stay out of trouble for ten years. He left the other half to her brother, Paul Harper, on the same condition.

When a series of grisly murders is uncovered among the street people of Tucson, all signs point to Addy’s involvement in a complicated insurance scam where death means a nice, meaty payoff. But Tucson homicide detective Renner Cole isn’t so sure. He’s gone undercover at the shelter to try and dig up solid evidence on the real killer, and he’s seen the woman Addy Harper has become: hardworking, spirited, and generous. As a matter of fact, she’s just the kind of woman he’s been looking for – if he can keep her off of death row.

When Addy finds out that her newest resident is really an undercover cop, she’s furious and hurt that she's been lied to. [Now you tell me you're not a homeless guy? Now that I've fallen head over heels in love with you?! Bastard!] She liked RC, with all his crazy talk about walking the perimeter and his invisible buddy Frank. [Frank should be an invisible animal of some sort, but not a rabbit, which has been done to death. Maybe an ostrich.] But when the smoke clears, she realizes that Renner Cole is the only thing standing between her and a serial killer who's out to prove her guilt - permanently. [That word makes me think death, but I don't see how her death proves her guilt. And how does she know the serial killer is out to get her?]

Along the way to tracking down a killer and clearing her name, Addy realizes that she’s finally found the one man brave enough, caring enough, and tough enough to steal her heart. [RC's invisible buddy.]

I would be glad to send you a sample chapter, or the manuscript, at your request. Please let me know if there is anything else I can do to facilitate your consideration.

Sincerely,


Notes

Very nice. Whether or not you want to slip in the answer to a question or two, it should get a positive response from someone.

Is killing homeless guys really enough of a no-no to cost Addy her inheritance?

Are there other specific suspects, or is it just a matter of Addy or anyone else?

As they don't usually put you on death row for running an insurance scam, I assume they suspect Addy is the serial killer. You'd think someone running a shelter would have an alibi for some of the murders.

Obviously Addy's brother is the serial killer. It's refreshing to see a query whose author isn't afraid to give away the surprise ending.

Cartoon 365

Caption: D. Lemma

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New Beginning 628

Steve sat, stupid with alcohol, watching the bartender make his rounds. The bartender passed him, ignoring him. No more whisky for me, I guess, Steve thought blandly.

Steve felt a shift as someone sat down beside him.

“Oh, hello Dr. Feynman,” he said.

“Hi, Steve,” said a sad voice. “How's it going?”

“Oh, you know. Seeking new possibilities, checking out every available opportunity,” Steve answered. Then he began to cry.

“Please don't,” said Dr. Feynman. His voice was gentle. “I'm trying to work it out for you.”

“Even if you do, I'll have to start all over again next Fall.” Steve shook his head.

“Better that than this.” Steve could hear the note of disgust in Feynman's voice. The bartender walked over and Dr. Feynman ordered a beer.

“Anyone find them yet?” Steve asked.

"Not yet."

Steve shook his head and wiped away more tears.

"Hey, but this is a small campus," Feynman told him. "How far can a couple of genetically mutated, disease-carrying hens get?"

"Uh oh," the bartender said, handing Feynman his beer. He turned toward the bar and shouted, "Lori-Ann! Check the till, would you? How many people had the chicken special?"


Opening: Stacy.....Continuation: Anon.

Cartoon 364

Caption: Evil Editor

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Face-Lift 622

Guess the Plot

Elemental

1.Mad scientist Mungo Murphy blasts neutrinos into Jane's ear in an effort to change her mind. The frightful result is dominated by helium, hydrogen, and lithium.

2. Being clinically insane is really tough at any age, but for Kitty Larson, who is mentally unsound and getting worse every day, it's going to be next to impossible to make it through first grade.

3. At first, she thought mercury was the answer to everything, but then she switched to cobalt. Now ace homicide detective Zack Martinez knows he must find Pretty Poison -- before she kills again!!!

4. Abriel has powers beyond those of normal humans. Government bounty hunters are after her, so she leaves high school and takes a job babysitting child elementals at a camp run by vampires.

5. Heiress Lily Water finds herself falling in love--with Henry Lithium, scum of the Mafia. Some things, however, just weren't meant to be.

6. Fifth grader Tim Whirloo loves his bicycle more than anything, so it really annoys him when the new girl borrows it and -- flies it over the treetops! But when she returns at midnight with a map to the island where her sister is imprisoned by an evil wizard, Tim agrees to help.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

When everything feels like a secret, who can you trust? [That can go. It's vague, and I don't know what "everything feels like a secret" means, anyway.]

Abriel Jones, the protagonist of Elemental, is an average teenager. [I hate her already.] Her days are plagued by conceited boys and disloyal friends; her nights are riddled with insomnia and a mysterious visitor. On her seventeenth birthday, however, this relative normality is left behind [Are you saying the average teenager's nights are riddled with mysterious visitors? That this is normal?] when she sends her boyfriend flying across the room, and Drei—her mystery visitor—rescues her from two drunken thugs. [I knew there was a reason I never invite drunken thugs to my birthday parties.]

Once Abriel’s somewhat recuperated, [From what?] Drei explains that she’s an air elemental, [What is an air elemental, besides someone who can send her boyfriend flying across the room? Did she throw him across the room? Cause a sudden wind to blow him across? Think him across?] gives her reason to believe her parents are keeping a secret from her, and, after witnessing her carelessness, warns against the governmental bounty hunters. [Are we talking about the U.S. government?] After her own close encounter with a bounty hunter, she attempts forsaking her elemental gift. This results in her losing control at school and eventually taking the out Drei has offered her.

Thus, Abriel ends up babysitting at his vampire-run safe camp for young elementals, as she is the oldest. [I'll take my chances with the bounty hunters before I'll sign on to babysit at any kind of camp.] What she didn’t expect was the loneliness overwhelming her, that is, until Nick appears. His presence creates a rift, separating her from almost everyone else at the camp. Nick isn’t supposed to be there; he’s not an elemental, and having his family murdered by the government doesn’t help his case. [If he's not supposed to be there, why don't they throw him out?] But when she’s around him, Abriel isn’t so lonely, and her unknown future is as distant in her mind as it is in her life.

Nick has a secret, though. One that could ruin everything. With so many people and emotions on the line, can he find the courage to share it? [You've gone vague again. What's the secret, and what's on the line?]

The answer lies in Elemental. [Now I know what you meant by "everything feels like a secret."] While Elemental is the first in a proposed trilogy, it can also be a stand-alone novel with a few loose ends. Instead of focusing more on the characters as vampires and elementals, my novel explores the characters as people, [Actually, I'm much more interested in vampires and elementals than people, but maybe that's just me.] thus investigating the confusion found in finding oneself and falling in love, or trying not to.

May I submit this 50,000-word Young Adult novel for representation? Thank you for your time and consideration.

All the best,


Notes

What does the government want with Abriel, what's the purpose of the camp, and why is Nick there? Give us some details so we know what's going on and what's at stake.

Vague phrases like "investigating the confusion found in finding oneself" and the others already pointed out don't help your cause. If it's worth mentioning, it's worth being specific.

Cartoon 363

Caption: Anon.

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

New Beginning 627

A hand pressed against the back of her leg. Corrie turned, frowning at the familiarity, but the man sitting nearest her was intent on the nearby stage. She replaced his near empty wine glass with a full one. For all the notice he took, with the dancing girls taking his full attention -- if you could call wiggling around in too tight dresses dancing. Still, Philip Lovell enjoyed it and it was his birthday.

None of the girls looked familiar. From Elizabeth City most likely, or Offers. No local girl would degrade herself like that, even for the Lovells.

Corrie turned to the next table. There were more empty glasses than guests crowded into the room, and surely it had been just ten minutes since she'd last collected them

A hand grabbed her arm. "Wait."

Corrie scowled, until she recognized the speaker -- Caleb the youngest of the Lovell brothers. She managed something resembling a polite smile.

"I have work to do." Let me go, little boy. "Drinks to--"

"We all have drinks." He rubbed a finger along her arm. "I'm bored with the entertainment though."

"I'll look in the cupboard for more."

"That's an excellent idea!" Caleb reached again for Corrie's arm. "Let's g'nuhh!"

The music stopped and all eyes were on Corrie, and the miserable wretch curled up on the floor.

"Well!" A gray-haired lady stepped forward. "Did anyone notice what Corinne did wrong there?"

A hand went up. "She, uh, kneed the host's son in the balls?"

"No . . . I mean, yes, she did knee Caleb in the balls, but I was referring to the fact she spilt wine on her tray. That's a no no. Okay, Corinne, back to your seat. Lisa, this time you be the waitress; Caleb, anytime you're ready."

Opening: Xenith.....Continuation: anon.

Cartoon 362

Caption: Anon.

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Saturday Film Series

It may be a little sticky in Evil Editor's Shorts, but at least you know it's not from spilled soft drinks.

Face-Lift 621

Guess the Plot

Strands of Silver

1. #1-8: the time Timmy ate two boxes of Cheeze-Its for dinner.
#9-71: the time Timmy cried for five hours when the power crashed his computer.
#72-298: the time Timmy claimed the living room to translate The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy into Klingon.

2. Jewel thief Moira Silverhair has planned one final heist, but she's had nothing but bad luck all her life, so why should this go any differently? The good news is, they don't throw twelve-year-old girls in the slammer.

3. When Meredith Blunt, coiffeuse extraordinaire, comes up with the ultimate way to drive the gray away, what she doesn't know is that her latest client is Medusa in mortal guise. Will her hairdressing hubris be squashed by the gods?

4. Not much of a birthday present, Billy thinks, until he opens the shabby old book called Pirates and Castaways, and finds himself magically marooned, condemned to guard Silver Jake's treasure . . . until some other boy opens the book.

5. Christmastime, gentle snow falls, merry Santas, bludgeoned girls whose hair falls over their crushed skulls like strands of silver . . . it's just another day for Rudolph.

6. Her father's gone and told the king she can spin straw into gold . . . but the kingdom went off the gold standard years ago. Can Lia save her life and make the king happy with . . . Strands of Silver?


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor:

Moira Silverhair never thought she would make a living hanging upside down breaking into a third story window to steal a few jewels, but a girl has to eat. [Wouldn't it be easier to break into a first-story kitchen and steal some food?] Despite her best efforts to lead a quiet life of larceny and con-games, [How can you say that someone trying to lead a life of larceny never thought she would make a living stealing jewels (as stated in sentence 1)?] old enemies seem to like nothing more than killing her friends, beating her black and blue and otherwise complicating her life. Strands of Silver, a fantasy complete at 95,000 words is available for your immediate review.

Berrin, god of luck, must have rolled ones when Moira was born. Mother and baby sister dead of black lung fever, father long missing after abandoning her, aunt and uncle murdered by their business partner, alone on the streets of a bustling port town--all before her Trirenia, the celebration of her thirteenth birthday. Every would-be friend and teacher soon enough betrays her or ends up dead. Is Moira a lodestone for bad luck or has the deck been stacked against her? [It sounds like Berrin must have rolled ones when Moira's mother, sister, aunt and uncle, and dead friends were born; they're the most unlucky ones.]

Seven years on the streets teach Moira survival skills and interesting ways to earn some silver, but Berrin seems to enjoy watching her lose every important stake. One final heist to insure there is money to survive the winter manages to entwine Moira in the intrigues of the Ducal court, the Bishop of the United Church, rich merchants and the shadowy Family. Wanting nothing more than to be left alone, she discovers many of the figures behind the Duchies [Duchy's?] current problems are people who harmed her before and her best hope for survival lies in seeking revenge by foiling their current plots.

Strands of Silver is a stand alone novel even though I have plotted out two potential sequels. I am also currently half way through writing an urban fantasy set in my native San Diego, where I currently practice law.

I'd be glad to send you my complete manuscript for your review. Thank you for your time and consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely


Notes

I'm guessing Moira's seven years on the streets came after she was twelve and she's now nineteen? Is this YA? If she's nineteen, we don't need much information about her childhood in the query.

After listing some of Moira's bad luck in paragraph 1, you go on to list more of her bad luck in paragraph 2. I'd rather you dumped the second paragraph and got to the plot. Tell us something about the duchy's current problems, the court intrigues, her enemies' current plots, etc., so we know what's at stake. What's the connection between her heist and the church/court/Family?

Is Berrin a character in the book? If not, we don't need her in the query. (I say "her" rather than "him" because Googling "Berrin" and clicking on "images" brings up lots of photos of women, indicating it's a woman's name. On the other hand you might have said "goddess" if it's a woman. Not that it matters.)

Cartoon 361

Caption: Anon.

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New Beginning 626

Her hand was shaking, the quill felt alien in her hand. Something wasn’t right. She didn’t have any idea what was happening to her. Raquel’s surroundings were beginning to swirl into a dream-like haze, and she was falling. It was like she wasn’t a part of her body anymore it seemed as if she was just floating above watching herself fall to the floor and sink into unconsciousness……

She awoke later in a white room fastened to a stiff wooden chair; her hands and upper body bound with a stiff rope. She was trembling, and all her muscles felt strained and stiff. What was going on she thought? Everything was still foggy and her brain wasn’t focusing well. Before she could panic or even think about doing so, the metal door swung open to reveal Rueben.

“Oh,” she sighed. “Thank the gods you’re here. I was so scared!"

"And rightly so," said Rueben, his voice deep and firm. "You violated the most sacred law of our world. You had to be bound lest you harm yourself in your passing madness."

"I know I shouldn't have," she sobbed. "But I need you, Rueben. Everything about you fills me with longing. Your tender heart, your rough exterior, your..."

"Stop!" he said, rearing up on his hind legs and looking her in the eye. "That cannot be. Mortals may never walk the same path with the Porcupine Shamans of Givlush. Now let me find some antiseptic and I'll get that quill out of your hand."


Opening: MaKayla Rutt.....Continuation: John

Cartoon 360

Caption: Anon.

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Face-Lift 620

Guess the Plot

Epic Fail

1. Poison fail. Spear fail. Horsemen fail. Prayer fail. Ship sink. Prince dead. Egon no go home. Find new life. Get laid. Be happy.

2. Didn't kiss his wife, didn't brush his teeth, didn't bring his briefcase . . . But those all pale next to blind Barney Briggs trying to fly a 737 while drunk.

3. When the hero dies in chapter 2, a bunch of secondary characters are stranded in an epic fantasy with no protagonist. Can they save their world by eating mystical banana nut muffins?

4. After the Iliad and the Odyssey, Homer's career seems to be taking off. But when his new poem gets panned by the critics, Homer embarks on a midlife crisis of, well, epic proportions.

5. Mary, June, and Amber do their very best to prepare for Mrs. Brown’s English test. They’re only halfway through Beowulf, with all of the Aurthurian legends to go, and it’s two in the morning. Will they resort to desperate measures???

6. Cavemen roast too many wildebeest and overheat the world, making arctic glaciers melt and cover the coastal plains etc., but they think it's just a local problem and go north looking for new girlfriends and cool caves.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor:

Redshirtism: some people are just doomed to die. [What is this, a dictionary? Get rid of that.]

Kelsey and Bobbin Baik, a pair of overtrained but woefully inexperienced town guardsmen, find themselves on a business trip to a remote valley of the Inaccessible Mountains. They think they’re going to have an easy mission: pick up a 15-year-old kid from Hero Training Camp so he can save their hometown from being destroyed by a kraken. Little do they know that their native guide, Tenzin, is supposed to get killed off. When Kelsey inadvertently saves his life, she sets off a chain of events that leads to banana nut muffins being infused with mystical powers and, ultimately, the Hero’s demise. In the second chapter. [I'd change that period after "demise" to an ellipsis.] What are a bunch of secondary characters to do when they’re left stranded in an epic fantasy with no protagonist?

Tenzin has become a walking accident magnet as the space-time continuum tries to put itself to rights by offing him. Helping Kelsey and Bobbin seems his best chance of surviving, besides, they’re utterly incompetent and somebody has to look after them. Their abortive efforts at hero-revivification only make matters worse. The trio gets kidnapped by a secret society that claims to hold a monopoly on the powers of the banana nut muffins. The two guards learn how to really use polearms, that mead is not beer, and that native guides are not as dumb as they’ve been brought up to believe. [Get rid of that sentence and the one before it, and start the one before those with "But." Also, semicolon after "surviving."] Is the only way to save their home to let Tenzin die? There might be another way, if the three of them take over the hero’s job. But none of them have been through Hero Training Camp…

Epic Fail is a parody containing a good deal of DnD jokes, [According to Wikipedia, that can stand for any of the following, and more:

• Drag and Drop, clicking on an object and dragging it to a different location
• Department of National Defense (Canada or Philippines)
• US District Court for the District of North Dakota
• Do Not Disturb
• Drunk and Disorderly
• Dundee Airport, IATA airport code
• Dunkin' Donuts

The chances of attracting an agent or editor are astronomically improved if it stands for any of those, instead of Dungeons and Dragons. North Dakota especially. North Dakota is always good for laughs. In short, don't mention Dungeons and Dragons in the query, and seriously consider removing 100 percent of your DnD jokes from your manuscript and replacing them with amusing references to epic fantasies. Otherwise you may find it stands for Definitely No Deal.] about 90,000 words, and exactly zero dragons. I’d be more than happy to send a partial or the full text if you are interested. Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,


Notes

The plot sounds delightful. You had me--until you got me worried you'd written up one of the DnD adventures you played with your hilarious stoner buddies.

I feel certain it's no accident that you've given your mountain guide almost the same name as the most famous mountain guide ever, but unless this is a vital plot point, I'd find another name.

The title sounds weird. Why not Epic Failure?

Cartoon 359

Caption: Anon.

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New Beginning 625

It wasn't the worst part of the job. The salary was worse. The workload would be, too. But a basement office--that was just rubbing it in.

Emily, trailing the department secretary down a rusted spiral staircase, gave a deep sigh in lieu of weeping and gnashing teeth. Locked in a dungeon, let out only to give lectures, she thought. Then she saw the gargoyle.

It sat--eyes bulging, mouth gaping, hands rending its face--next to the arched basement door. Taped above was a message in red ink: "Abandon all hope, ye who enter here."

She stared at this in perplexed amusement, picturing the students who would change their minds about visiting during office hours. The secretary, apparently believing gates to hell required no explanation, said merely "second corridor on the left" and click-clacked back to ground level. Emily spent a moment trying to recall which poor devils were stuck in the second circle of Dante's Inferno--the lustful?--before giving herself a mental shake and venturing in.

It really was a dungeon.

"Perfect," she sighed. "All it needs is the right lighting."

Before the end of term, Mistress Emily's Inferno for the Lustful Damned was the second-most-popular S & M club on the Ridgewood High School campus.

Even the gargoyle began to look cheerful.


Opening: Jamie.....Continuation: Batgirl

Cartoon 358

Caption: Anon.

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Face-Lift 619

Guess the Plot

Probation

1. He missed 9 years of his son Timmy's life, so when Jack Wiggins gets out of prison he vows to go straight, taking a job working for Bud's Tree-N-Grass. But a deadly secret lurks below that turf!! Now Jack will need all his gangster skills to save Timmy from . . . Mole Man!!!

2. When she gets released, career shoplifter Sally Mayfield decides to put her skills to a new use -- retail security consultant. But can she resist the urge to pocket a few loose lipsticks?

3. A gang of talking rats that live in the sewers of old London befriend a young pickpocket and bring him baubles in exchange for stories about the wide world. When he gets hauled away to the orphanage the rats embark on a dangerous journey across town to rescue him.

4. Guy Stall should be facing the death penalty, but thanks to an incompetent prosecutor, his murder charges are dropped and he is released on probation. Now it’s up to Assistant DA Caroline Simmons to uncover new evidence that can reopen the case and ensure justice is served . . . before Guy strikes again.

5. Stacey's on probation for drunk driving and Takara's on probation for talking to a demon. Their worlds collide when Stacey reads a book about Takara in this anime series told backwards.

6. College has ups and downs. Last semester, she was the party queen. Now Chrissy-Ann must get an A in every class, or be expelled.


Original Version

Dear EE,

Can true goodness exist outside fantasy? Can it even exist there? [You're a day late if this is your all-questions query exercise.]

Stacey Chambers wishes her life could resemble the lives of the heroes in her favorite stories. Unfortunately the path to goodness always seems to elude her. When this introspective under-grad is shamed with legal troubles, she escapes in Probation: The First Saga of OniRue, [She escapes? Clarify.] a new anime series shown in reverse-chronological order. [The entire series is in reverse chronological order? So technically, this is the last Saga of OniRue.] [Is the first line of the book "The End"?] [What do you mean, "shown" in reverse order? Is this a book or a film?] [I think you should completely reverse the order of the sentences in the query.] [This is gonna annoy those people who always read the end of the book first, when they find out you've given away the beginning.]

In Probation, Takara is probated from her demon-hunting clan for showing gratitude towards Nanashi, a half demon who saves her life. [Could you define "probated"?] Niceties to demons [and half-demons, apparently] are punished by probation and exile, regardless of circumstance.

But no punishment can dissuade Takara from using her training to rescue the land of OniRue from the evil demon king. She travels to his castle with Nanashi and the monk Makoto, [Change their names to ShaNaNa and Tomato, and you have a winner.] both of whom fall in love with Takara and work to convince her that the other is unworthy of her love. [When your only suitors are a half-demon and a monk, it's time to consider lesbianism.] When Takara learns Makoto is right and that Nanashi has been working for the demon king all along, she knows the penalty for Nanashi’s deception must be death. [She knows this because it already happened back in chapter 1, thanks to everything being in reverse chronological order.]

Instead of being the real-world equivalent of a monk [which is . . . a monk,] or a demon huntress, Stacey is a convicted drunk driver, and on top of that, a liar. Her dad was killed by a drunk driver, and her mom would disown Stacey if she knew about the arrest, so Stacey hides it from her. She also keeps it from her boyfriend Mike, who expects perfection from her despite his own disregard for rules and laws.

When Stacey fails and both Mike and her mom find out about her arrest, she hides from their anger in new episodes of Probation. [Hey! What happened to Tomato and ShaNaNa?] [What do all these people have to do with the land of ObiWan?] But when she learns her cousin has been having an affair with Mike, she knows hiding is no longer an option and that comfort will only come after imposing the ultimate penalty. [Which is killing them all?]

Probation: The First Saga of OniRue is my first novel and is complete at 99,000 words. It’s half commercial fiction and half fantasy, with the chapters alternating between Stacey’s story and the reverse-flowing episodes of Probation. Though it stands alone it is the first in a planned series, the second of which is in development.

Thank you for your time and consideration.


Notes

So the only connection between Stacey and Takara is that Stacey read about Takara in a book? That's not good enough. This is two books.

I think you need to make it clear why the fantasy book is backwards. Backwards is confusing enough, but mixed in with a frontwards book . . . I enjoyed Memento, but it took some effort to follow it, and if after every scene they'd edited in a scene from The Dark Knight, my head would have exploded.

I was going to suggest focusing on one story line or the other, but I suppose it'll go badly if an agent is expecting a story of redemption and every other chapter is about demons and castles, told in reverse chronological order. Why not make it two books? They'd both be short, but as you're planning sequels, you should have enough material to expand each of them.

Terms like "in development," "new episodes," "shown" and "new anime series" make me think TV show. And since anime is Japanese animation, that's what most will think. But I don't get the impression this is illustrated or in screenplay format. Is this supposed to be made into an animated series? The part about Stacey doesn't strike me as anime. Not that I know anything about anime.

What do those questions at the beginning have to do with anything?

Cartoon 357

Caption: Writtenwyrdd

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Saturday Film Series

Sometimes what's in Evil Editor's Shorts is romantic, sometimes it's comical, and sometimes there's a lot of action and even an explosion or two.

New Beginning 624 (excerpt)

Kincaid and Manuel walked into McDonald’s Boarding House in St. Louis and approached a round man with a flush face. Drammin’ probably caused the red face, Kincaid thought, and idlin’ made him fat.

“How much for room and keep for thirteen men?” Kincaid asked.

“Are the others like him?”

“What do you mean ‘like him’?”

“Greasers. I won’t have no greasers here,” he said. “Good, god-fearing men live in my establishment. I won’t have them put up with papists crossing themselves, muttering their mumbo-jumbo, and playing with beads.”

Kincaid tried to push down his anger, but felt it rising instead.

“And you. You’re wearing the same get-up he is. Are you a greaser-lover?”

Kincaid lunged at the man but met a horse pistol in his face. The gaping muzzle seemed large enough to blow his head off.

“Watch it, laddie. Best be movin’ along. And take your ‘friend’ with you.”

Kincaid started to turn away, but Manuel grabbed him by the arm. "No," he said. "I can take care of this." Kincaid was about to protest, but he noticed the determined glint in Manuel's eyes. "You don't have any room for us?" the Mexican said to the clerk. "Even if I offer you this?" He pulled a waxed paper parcel out of his pocket and slowly opened it. A thick, flour tortilla, packed with ground beef, lettuce, tomato and a special spicy sauce.

"Okay," the clerk said, breaking into a grin. "I got rooms for you all!"

[The rest of Kincaid's group enter, playing and singing a jaunty Mariachi song.]

Voice Over: "Taco bell. We put the 'I Can' into Mexican Food."


Opening: Wes.....Continuation: Anon.

Cartoon 356

Caption: Anon.

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Face-Lift 618

Guess the Plot

Morghan's Mahleala

1. Morghan has always bheen a loser, so she's thrilled to learnh that she's half elfh. She leaves Texas for the magicahll world of Mahleala. Butt when people and elves stahrt dropping dhead, Morghan reacts like any teenager: she ghhets annoyed.

2. For amahteur astrohnomer Morghan Morghunstein, finding a new comet was a dreahm come true. Named "Mahleala" after his childhood pet, the comet becomes a nightmare for the rhest of the world when it is found to be on a collision courhse with earth.

3. Homecoming queehn Samantha wouldn't give Morghan the time of dhay, having more interest in athletes than gheeks. Butt that all changes the dhay she happens to catch a glimpse of Morghan's Mahleala.

4. Out in the Jhungle of Bhorneo, Jhim Morghan and Hucklebherry Finnh discover diahmonds in the gravel and work day and night -- unaware those biting insects carry parahsites and they'll soohn be strhicken by the dreaded mahleala worm.

5. Morghan has a varhiety of exhotic mahlahdies which cause asphirhating. Will rhomance blohssom when she rhuns into Henrhy Harhahher at the pharmacy while whaiting for her inhaler? Or will she die young from her own dhisease, Morghan's Mahleala?

6. For years, at the behest of the King, Morgan has hunted the slippery Alphabetophile, hoping to halt the insidiouous processs and prahctice of languguage-littering and subsesequent desscenht hinto totoal meheanhinglessnesssss thhahat threahetheans thehehh hentire fhabrihc of shoshcietiey. Whililill Morghahan shucksheeedd?ddd????? or whillll Alphabetophile siwkdk aisckfjaioew vie!a?h!!feaissisi!

Original Version

Dear Agent:

All of her life, Morghan Roberts has been the worst sort of loser - quiet, awkward, the kind of girl who never experiences anything, except the constant beat downs she receives in school. So, Morghan can't help but to be excited when, on her fourteenth birthday, she learns that she's a half elf, gains her gift of creation, and finds that she must leave her normal Texas town for a magical world known as Mahleala.

But when an old elvish rite of passage goes horribly wrong, and Morghan and her friends end up seeing a dozen worker elves and humans suddenly drop dead on some ghostly panel, [I've been on a few panels where I wished I could die, but I'm guessing you have something else in mind . . . though I've no idea what.]  Morghan is thrown for a loop that she wants no part of. [No need to modify a cliche with another cliche.]  And when her best friend Azula becomes more tangled in the plot, dragging Morghan along, she's beyond annoyed - until the mystery begins to unfold. [This is all vague.] 

Morghan begins to suspect that the real question the group should be focused on is not the cause of the murders, [How does she know they're murders?] [Not sure what you mean by the "cause" of the murders. Motive? Weapon?] but the curse that could've been released as a result of the deaths. Anytime Dramagra, or dark magic, is involved you never know what mess you'll be left with, and Morghan's gut tells her this will be a nasty one. [How does she know what kind of mess is caused by Dramagra? She just got there. How does she even know Dramagra was involved?]

MORGHAN'S MAHLEALA is a YA Fantasy, complete at 74,000 words. I'm a member of SCBWI, and have contributed to the Houston chapter's newsletter "Picturing the Write Stuff". I'd be happy to send you a partial or complete copy of MORGHAN'S MAHLEALA for your review.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Notes 

What are Morghan's friends doing in Mahleala? I got the impression she had no friends. Are they her Mahlealahian friends? You don't suddenly have a best friend and a clique the minute you get to a new place. Is there a major passage of time you didn't mention?

How do you get to Mahleala? Is it on Earth? What's it like there? What did the victims have in common? Is anyone investigating? Give us some specifics.

Why is it "Morghan's" Mahleala? It's not like she's their leader. It's like calling it Dorothy's Oz. Is there a wizard? Wait, is there a mole man? The Mole Man of Mahleala would be a good title. Consider adding a mole man.

Cartoon 355

Caption: candicekennington

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New Beginning 623

The gunshot left Steve's ears ringing and heart racing. Black streaks highlighted the shredded pillow next to his head. He squinted at the gun in Jack hand.

"You nearly killed me!" Steve fumbled for his eyeglasses. Jack Coburn swatted his hand away with the pistol and motioned for him
to roll back.

"Effing Sammy lied. I caught him ready to run. The little bitch cried real tears while I blew the top of his head off," Jack's hands shook as he spoke.

"He's dead?" Steve asked. Dark red gore and dried blood smeared Jack's t-shirt. It was torn at the neck and exposed his chest.

"Brain splattered dead. I need a place to hide."

"Hide you?"

"What are you, deaf?" Jack knelt over Steve. He shoved the gun under Steve's chin and cocked the hammer. "Make me repeat one more time and your brains splatter. I said HIDE me."

"Deaf?" Steve said, trying to lip-read through the ringing in his ears that occluded all sound. He soon learned that his skills were sadly lacking.


Opening: Dave F......Continuation: Batgirl

Cartoon 354

Caption: Anon.

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