Update

You may recall that Evil Editor has been getting a lot of email from bank employees trying to help me get my hands on unclaimed fortunes gathering dust in third world banks--in return for which I'm expected to cut my benefactors in on the loot. Lately most of the requests for my assistance have come from Ivory Coast, a small African country named after two brands of soap. Assuming all these emails are legit, the amount of money languishing in Ivory Coast banks, in accounts owned by dead people with no living relatives, would be sufficient to feed all the starving children in America for a decade.

Just when I was thinking these emails might be scams, I get one yesterday that's a completely different twist:

You may not understand why this mail came to you.But if you do not remember me, you might have receive an email from me in the past regarding a multi-million-dollar business proposal which we never concluded. I am using this opportunity to inform you that this multi-million-dollar business has been concluded with the assistance of another partner from Paraguay who financed the transaction to a logical conclusion. I thank you for your great effort to our unfinished transfer of fund into your account due to one reason or the other best known to you. But I want to inform you that I have successfully transferred the fund out of my bank to my new partner's account in Paraguay that was capable of assisting me in this great venture.

Apparently this guy emailed me, and when I failed to respond, emailed someone in Paraguay who decided to help him procure the money. I don't understand why I was informed of this, unless it was a common courtesy to prevent me from responding tardily to the original email. Or maybe the writer wanted to let me know that if I'd only trusted him, I'd be a wealthy man but instead some guy in Paraguay is wealthy and I'm not, and nyaah nyaah nyaah.

But here's the interesting part, which comes in the following paragraph:

Due to your effort, sincerity, courage and trust worthiness you shown during the course of the transaction. I want to compensate you and show my gratitude to you with the sum of US$950,000.00. I have left a certified international bank draft for you worth of US$950,000.00 cashable anywhere in the world

This is followed by details on how I may obtain the bank draft. Apparently, in return for having done absolutely nothing, I am to be rewarded with 950,000 dollars. I should be happy, but for some reason I now keep thinking of the poor schmuck in Paraguay. He took all the risk, and yet I am now getting a hefty chunk of the reward.

Yesterday I was kicking myself for not answering the original email, and letting the Paraguayan guy get the money. Today I'm thinking, hell, even if I'd answered the original email, this Ivory Coast bastard would be giving some Paraguayan bum 950 large of my money. Where does he get off?

I've made up my mind that I'm going to do the right thing. When I get my $950,000 I'm going to give half of it to the guy in Paraguay, if I can find out who he is . . . . Make that a third of it.

I'm Rich, Take 3

As those of you who have hacked into Evil Editor's email account are aware, I've received yet another request for assistance in withdrawing money from a foreign bank. Last time this happened, you'll recall I ended up flying to Ghana in hopes of bribing a bank teller into getting me my money. Didn't go well. Turns out the bank tellers in Ghana are heavily armed, and are far more interested--and persuasive--when it comes to deposits than they are with regard to withdrawals. Who knew?

Having been encouraged to let my money in Ghana continue earning interest (along with an additional deposit I couldn't resist making thanks to highly favorable rates of return) I made my way home and this morning found the following email in my in-box:

Your Kind Assistance!!!

Greetings of the day to you, although you may be skeptical receiving this email as we have not met before,I am Mr. Elvis K.W.Stojko(Executive Director and Chief Financial Officer)of the Hang Seng Bank Ltd.,nevertheless I have a business proposition involving the sum of $24,500,000.00 usd in my bank which I know we will be of mutual benefit to both of us, and I believe we can handle together, once we have a common understanding and mutual cooperation in the execution of the modalities. Should you be interested, please forward the following to me:
1.Full names,
2.Occupation,
3.Private phone number,
4.Current residential address.

Via this email address: [address deleted to keep others from trying to beat me to this opportunity.]
Your earliest response to this mail will be highly appreciated.
Elvis Stojko

I was slightly annoyed that Stojko had forced me to look up "modalities," but not so annoyed that I deleted the email. The best thing about computers is that you can cut and paste a word into Dictionary.com and save yourself a walk to the bookshelf and the heavy lifting involved in using the unabridged version.

Eagle-eyed readers will no doubt have noted two major--and agreeable--differences between this correspondence and my previous ones:

1. This one includes no sob story about the original owner of the money and all his living relatives dying in a natural disaster or a freak bobsled accident. I like that. Straight to the point. Let the dead rest in peace; let us get our hands on their money.

2. 24.5 million dollars is nearly twice my highest previous offer. Given that the bank employee always seems to want at least half the money, for just doing his job, and that there's probably a huge tax bill on the interest the money has been earning, an account of a mere three or four million would be worth squat by the time I got my share. But 24.5 million, that's enough, I thought, to make me and Uncle Sam and this Stojko guy happy, especially if I can talk Stojko down to ten percent.

As with my previous correspondents, I took the precaution of Googling the banker's name. There's always the possibility that Googlitivity will reveal a newspaper article about a Hong Kong automobile accident in which your correspondent was killed, and then you're back to square one.

The first six or seven Googlations were all about Elvis Stojko, Canadian figure skater. I had to hope this wasn't my man, as figure skaters are notoriously brutal in financial matters. Who can forget the time a prominent figure skater hired a goon to bash in her opponent's knee with a lead pipe in the conservatory? Also, why do so many violent crimes seem to take place in the conservatory? And what is a conservatory?

Anyway, as I scanned down the Googlations, I came to two links to letters from my same correspondent. These letters, interestingly, were far more detailed than the one I'd received. They told the story of an Iraqi general who'd been making monthly deposits, and whose entire family had been killed in a bomb blast. In one of the letters it was General Bastaan, and in the other it was General Ismael. Understandable. When you're dealing with this kind of money, you don't want to reveal real names.

The only other difference in the letters was that in the more detailed letters, Stojko didn't ask for the recipient's occupation. In mine, he did. Why the decision to add this line to my letter, when he had subtracted so much other information? Then it hit me: if it turned out my occupation was government mail fraud investigator, he was planning to call off the deal. Clever.

I emailed him back offering two grand (it's always best to offer less than you're willing to pay, so they feel like they put one over on you when they talk you up to five or ten grand). I'll keep you informed.

I'm Rich, take 2

Yesterday I received two emails, one titled "I am Mr. David Disko, Please Respond," and the other titled "Consumer Alert: Increase in Fraudulent Emails."

As you may recall, last week, as reported in this post, I was informed that a relative of mine (or someone with my last name) had died in the Indonesian tsunami, leaving behind 12.5 million dollars. A Mr. Wang Kee offered to wire me the money from his bank, in return for a mere 62.5 percent of it, plus various fees.

Now it seems that a German business tycoon, Mr. Andreas Schranner, whose only relatives all died in the July, 2000 crash of Concorde Air France flight 4590, has passed away, leaving behind 3.5 million dollars in a bank in Ghana. And amazingly, even though I do not even have the same last name as Mr. Schranner, I have been singled out by "prominent bank" employee David Disko to receive a share of this money in return for using my status as a foreigner to gain access to it. Apparently I have an unusually honest face, as people from Singapore to Ghana feel I'm the ideal person to withdraw money from their banks.

The good news is that Mr. Disko writes: I want you to state how you wish us to share the funds in percentage; that being a clear improvement over Wang Kee's opening offer, which amounted to giving me less than forty percent of my own money. The bad news is that even though he was lowballing me, Wang Kee was still giving me 5 million, while David Disko is starting with only 3.5 million, and will no doubt want a healthy chunk of that for himself.

Having learned a lesson last week, I took the precaution of Googling the name David Disko to see if he actually was a Ghanaian bank employee. What popped up was a copy of the same letter I had received, but with one major difference. The letter online, posted 10 months ago, claims that Schranner left a bank account worth 12.5 million. Let's ignore the coincidence that this is the exact amount my relative (or person with my last name) left for me in a Singapore bank, and concentrate on the obvious conclusion: Disko is trying to shaft me! He's claiming he wants me to have a share of 3.5 million, when in fact, I deserve a share of 12.5 million.

Needless to say, this realization pissed me off to no end. Obviously he thinks he can get away with splitting 3.5 million with me, and pocketing the other 9 million. What does he take me for, some kind of rube?

But then I remembered the other email, the one whose title warned that fraudulent emails were on the rise, and I decided I should read it and see if it mentioned Disko. No such luck. Basically it said that there's been an increase in phishing at my credit union, so they were suspending my account until I contacted them with my account number so we could confirm that there had been no unauthorized activity. Naturally I panicked, thinking my identity had been stolen, but when I got to their site and prepared to type in my account number, it hit me: I don't have an account with them. In fact, I've never heard of them. Obviously they sent this email to the wrong address, and some poor schmuck is going to find out the hard way that his account is suspended.

But that's not my problem. My problem is how to get my 12.5m from Donnie Darko, or whatever his name is. (Actually, that may not be a bad analogy; possibly he got my name from a giant rabbit.) I fired off an email last night:

DD:

Nice try pal. Do you think I was born yesterday? Ten months ago you sent someone word that Schranner left 12.5 million in an account. Now it's down to 3.5 million? Either one of your fellow bank tellers has beaten you to the money, in which case it's probably down to a buck and a half by now; or you're trying to pull a fast one.

As I understand it, you need a foreigner to sign the withdrawal slip because Schranner was a foreigner. Apparently any foreigner will do, which leads me to an obvious train of logical thinking:

1. The Ghana banking system is wacko.
2. German business tycoon Andreas Schranner was an idiot.
3. I gotta get my 12.5m out of your bank pronto.

Anything you can do to speed up the process would be appreciated, and I will pay you time and a half for any hours you run up beyond your normal work day.

EE


This morning I received a reply:

EE:

Did I say 3.5 million? I meant 12.5 million. Here in my country, the three is right next to the twelve on the keyboard, and it's hard to concentrate on one's typing when there's constant gunfire all around one.

While your offer of overtime pay for my trouble is generous, allow me to point out that you need me as much as I need you. Without my assistance, you would have to come to Ghana at an expense of thousands of dollars, and it's unlikely you could get through customs without being robbed and murdered, not necessarily in that order.

Thus I must insist on an up-front payment of $5000. I would have you wire the money to my account, but to reveal my account number would leave a "paper trail" and might result in my losing my job with a prominent bank. Thus, if you'll send me the account number from which I may wire my quite reasonable fee, you will soon have your long-awaited funds. Thank you.

DD


Screw him. An hour ago I booked a flight to Ghana. I figure, how many prominent banks can there be in Ghana? If I find the right one I should be able to find a teller willing to assist me for a lot less than five large. Besides, I need a vacation.

Update

You may recall (from the previous post) that an external auditor at the Bank of East Asia Ltd. in Singapore recently contacted Evil Editor. Actually, you won't recall those specifics, as I replaced them with the more interesting "yada yada yada," but I now reveal them. Scroll down to the previous post to get up to speed on where I stood with Mr. Wang Kee as of yesterday. Or simply click here and pray I'm not phishing for your personal information to steal your identity. (Don't worry; As I am Evil Editor and you are you, can you honestly believe I would want your identity?)

Thanks to the remarkable speed of Internet communications, I have now completed a few additional rounds of correspondence with Mr. Kee. Or possibly it's Mr. Wang. I should ask him about that in my next letter. In any case, allow me to get you up to date:


Evil Editor:

I am most pleasing to receive your prompt response to my letter concerning the 12.5 million dollrs we are holding. It was in actuality a secretarial employee who typed the original letter suggesting that we should receive 7.5m, and the person in questionable has been dealt with severely. Meanwhile, your offer of $5000 is acceptable. There is the small matter of the withdrawal fee, which will require a good-faith payment of $950 US. In the interest of transactional alacrity, please forward a bank account number from which we may electronically wire the fee. A prompt response will assure that we will have this matter "out of our Hairs" expediently.

Wang Kee


Wang Kee:

Thank you for your prompt response to my letter regarding my 12.5 million dollars which you have been kindly holding for me for three years, and are now desperately attempting to return to its rightful owner, namely me. As most of my capital is currently tied up in long-term municipal bonds, K-1 partnerships and passthroughs, and Iraqi real estate, I propose that you be so kind as to scrape together the $950 withdrawal fee, in return for which I will increase your share of the 12.5m from $5000 to $6045. I calculate that this nets you an extra $95, a 10% increase on your $950 investment in a very short time period. Awaiting your reply.

EE


Mr. EE:

I am gratified to inform you that I have in acceptance of your offer obtained the 12.5m US and while tempted to simply deposit in my own account, have decided to ethicly conclude our arrangement. If you would forward your bank account number at your convenience I will wire the funds into it and we will be concluded. Again my condolences on the loss of your loved one or the person who has your same last name.

Wang Kee


Wang Kee:

If you would be so kind as to Fed-Ex a cashier's check for the 12+ m? On second thought, I think we can save a little money if you make it USPS Global Priority. Thanks.

EE

P.S. I noticed upon Googling your name that you are apparently attempting to reach other people whose money is being held in your bank. For ten thousand dollars US I will edit your letter so that if you happen to locate another account's owner you will sound more like a bank employee and less like a semi-literate Nigerian scammer.


EE:

While my skills with your language are admittedly lacking, my ability to hack into your computer and get your address you would find most impressive. Shall I have my boys deliver your 12.5 million?

Wang Kee


Wang Kee:

I've decided, upon further consideration, that you are deserving of the full 12.5m. Please enjoy it with my blessing, and may I have the pleasure of doing business with you again some day.

EE


EE:

There's still the small matter of the withdrawal fee. $950 US.

Wang Kee


Wang:

Yes, if you would send me your bank account number, I'll wire you the funds right away.

EE

I'm Rich

No Face-Lift today, because I haven't received five fake plots for any of the current titles. However, I thought I might share my good fortune. I just got this through email:


Now that we have found you, let us work hand in hand to actualize this deal. A family member of yours ( or perhaps just a person having the same last name with you died Three years ago in Tsunami tragedy Indonesia leaving behind an estate/capital of (USD12.5 Million with interest accrued till date) in the Bank of East Asia Ltd,

Yada yada yada

I urge you to come forward since I can provide you with the details you will need to claim the estate/capital and also work with you till the final remittance of the funds to the account you will nominate for us, at the end of this transaction the $12,500,000.00 will now be shared between us as follows.$5,000,000.00 for you and $7,500,000.00 for me/

Yada yada yada

Yours Sincerely,

Wang Kee


I know this is legit because:

1. It didn't come from Nigeria or Sierra Leone.
2. If it were a fraud they would have split it 50/50 or given me the higher amount.
3. If you're trying to convince someone you're legit, you don't sign your letter Wang Kee. Unless it's your real name.

Anyway, I emailed back and said, You gotta be kidding me, pal. You, whose sole role in this transaction has been to send me an email, get 7.5 million, while I, whose relative (or person with my last name) died a horrible death, get a measly 5 million? I don't think so.

I told him he could send me $12,495,000, and keep the change. Wing Kee may want to negotiate some more. I'll keep you informed.