Face-Lift 489

Guess the Plot

Hitting the High Notes

1. Marco knew that becoming one of the sultan's eunuchs would mean he'd never father a child. What he didn't know was that it also meant he would be cast in the role of Lauretta in Puccini's Gianni Schicchi.

2. Carl Fetterling wins a scholarship to Julliard to study voice. But his dreams of singing all the great baritone roles of opera turn upside down when his beautiful teacher presses him to become a countertenor. Hilarity ensues.

3. Unlike many "singers," Georges Jones knows she can't sing to save her life. However, she's been known to kill small animals and fish with the sound of her singing voice. Which gives her an idea. Realizing she can forever rid the world of Paula Abdul, she tries out for American Idol.

4. When failed tenor Roberto Gambini hears a gorgeous, haunting song in the woods, he's instantly enchanted. He must find the amazing singer and bring her to the stage. But how can he, when the singer is Kadrille, a young centaur?

5. Baritone Lorenzo Pazzazzi, trying to recover from bad reviews, poses as a kidnapped celebrity running from the environmental kooks known as the Green Socks Gang. Will his ruse win the heart of unemployed Maggie Duncan, or is Pazzazzi singing the wrong tune?

6. Tired of playing just the bass notes, and desperate to get closer to hunky flautist Toby James, symphony tuba player Martha Carlson switches to piccolo. Will Toby fall for Martha once she starts . . . Hitting the High Notes?


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor:

Hitting The High Notes: Carl Hiaasen meets Thelma and Louise (sans cliff dive).

[How do I hate thy first line? Let me count the ways.

1. It's quite likely that your query is going to be read by a twenty-year-old intern English major who's studied Milton and Keats and who reads romance in her leisurely hours, and who never heard of Carl Hiaason unless she remembers his name from the credits in the movie Strip Tease.

2. She was also two years old when Thelma and Louise (sans cliff dive) came out, and if she's seen it at all, the only thing she remembers about it is the cliff dive.

3. Okay, she probably also remembers Brad Pitt.

4. Sans.

5. If she looks up the movie on the Internet, she'll find it's about an Arkansas waitress and a housewife who drive cross-country pursued by federal authorities after killing a rapist. Having looked ahead, I don't see it as the best comparison.]

South Floridian, Maggie Duncan, [Two unnecessary commas in the first four words has me worried I'll be commatose by the end of this.] is flirting with fifty. [She'd have better luck if she flirted with just one! Ba-dum-tsss.] Her hormones wreak havoc. Her job’s outsourced to India and she’s still navigating the shoals of mourning after her mother’s death when she meets by chance AWOL opera singer Lorenzo Pazzazzi who is nursing a bruised ego from bad reviews To pass time during his self-imposed exile, Lorenzo cooks up a scheme to win Maggie’s sympathy, and affection. Posing as a kidnapped celebrity on the run from [How can he be both kidnapped and on the run? Also, I'm picturing this guy as built like Pavarotti, in which case if he's on the run, he'll be easy to catch.] a kooky ransom-seeking environmental group, The Green Socks Gang, the bad-boy baritone leads Maggie on quite a chase. [Is she chasing him, or running with him? In either case, why?] She figures out [exposes] his ruse, however, with help from her best friend [Ah, Louise finally shows up. I was beginning to think it should just be Carl meets Thelma.] and turns the tables, meeting “a potential keeper” along the way.

Thanks for your time and consideration of this completed 90,000 plus lady-lit with strong romantic elements. I am a member of RWA. Hitting The High Notes finaled in the adult genre category of PNWA’s 2006 Literary contest.

Sincerely


Notes

I assume the romantic elements involve Maggie and the "potential keeper." If you're selling this as lady-lit with romantic elements, you might want to tell us more about the "keeper."

I'd also like to know more about Maggie turning the tables. You've given us the set-up: an opera singer meets a bereaved, unemployed woman and, inexplicably wanting her affection, inexplicably pretends to be the target of environmental terrorists. The story we want to hear, and which you've left plenty of room to tell us, is how Maggie dumps this clown and ends up with Mr. Right. At least temporarily.

That really long sentence is bothersome. I'd start:

South Floridian Maggie Duncan is flirting with fifty. Her hormones are wreaking havoc; her job’s been outsourced to India; and she’s still navigating the shoals of mourning after her mother’s death. She and her best friend Louise spend all their time watching Nurse Betty over and over.

Bad-boy baritone Lorenzo Pazzazzi is nursing a bruised ego from bad reviews. During a self-imposed exile to South Florida, he chances to meet Maggie, who is fascinated by the overwhelming number of "z"s in his name.

You can take it from there.

Is there some way to make it clear why being on the run from environmental kooks would make one seem more attractive to a woman?

Face-Lift 296

Guess the Plot

One Wrong Move

1. So it was one little mistake. A guy can't make a mistake? Thank God it didn't affect my reelection and now, if I move fast, I can invade Iran, too!

2. Kidnapped CIA Agent Garth Pelter wakes to find a bomb strapped to his body and a chessboard in front of him. If he loses the game, the bomb goes off. But Pelter doesn’t even know how the Prawns are supposed to move.

3. If Lonnie Lambert can get his right hand onto a red circle, he might just win the World Twister Championship. On the other hand, if his arm makes contact with Pretzel Jackson's breast, he's sure to get a black eye. With the ESPN cameras rolling, will Lonnie make . . . One Wrong Move?

4. The Smythe family moves, on average, every eight months. Denver, Chicago, Atlanta -- they've seen them all. When they move to Bucksnort, TN, however, the Smythes meet their new neighbors, the Smiths, who keep a pig for a pet and brew moonshine in a backyard still. Can the Smythes get beyond their stereotyped opinions of their neighbors, or will they have to admit they've made . . . One Wrong Move?

5. Twinkie Thompson thought his fortunes had changed the night old Mrs. Billiard traded a Holstein for his magic beans. He was so happy he ran to the Smith's and got engaged to Maryanne. But in the morning he discovered that beast in the barn was no banal bovine, but . . . a zombie cow.

6. When Monica decides to ride in a hot-air balloon, her life takes off in a new direction. Will her boring friends and family bring her down to Earth, deflating her dreams? Or will she soar to new heights?


Original Version

Attn. Evil Editor:

Funny, absurd and overly cautious--all describe Monica Baker, a 33-year-old single girl with more baggage than a Boeing 747. [Not sure what you mean by baggage, but overly-cautious people usually don't accumulate it in great quantity.] When Monica decides to dump her cautious act and really live--talk up a cute stranger, ride a hot air balloon, brave a hot tub-- [A hot tub?! Throwing caution to the wind is one thing; this woman is a maniac!] her life takes off in a direction she never imagined.

But where's the old Monica? Some want her back. Some need her help. Ex-boyfriend Sammy is a Fruit Loop-eating drummer with a talent for making women hum. [Hum? I gotta get out more. Is that hum like a finely tuned engine, or hum like when they don't know the words?] Teddy, her dad, camps on his La-Z-Boy and buys tulip bulbs and steak knives from The Home Shopping Network. [Regularly? How many steak knives do you need?] Duffy, her mom, can't be bothered as she gambles, downs gin and amasses a collection of gnomes to rival Tolkien. [If you mean to rival the number of gnomes in Tolkien's published works, this is one puny collection. Try the Brothers Grimm, or Discworld . . . Or are you talking about Tolkien's personal collection of garden gnomes, which I understand numbered in the tens of thousands?]

I would be happy to submit "One Wrong Move", complete at 80,000 words. A stamped envelope is enclosed for your convenience, hoping you'll want to see more. [Personification is a fine literary device if not overused. Using it while informing me of your SASE in a query letter is probably going too far.]

Sincerely,


Notes

That's it? Where's the plot? All we have is four characters and a few tidbits of information about each of them. What happens in the book? What's the new direction Monica's life goes in? Does her new-found boldness lead to hilarious disaster? How so? Does it lead to Happily Ever After with a hunky guy who eats a more mature breakfast cereal? Tell us about it. Is there a villain? A challenge? A pivotal life-changing moment toward which the book inexorably marches? Once we know your plot, if you have more room on the page you can tell us all about Monica's father's shopping choices, but not a moment before.

Isn't that spelled "Froot Loops"?

Face-Lift 295

Guess the Plot

The Bad Girls Club

1. Tired of being seen as nerds and goody-goodies, the girls of the Central High School Chess Club don skimpy disguises and take on alternate identities as they hit the clubs for a little excitement.

2. The women at Alderson Federal Prison Camp decide they've had too much of worthless boyfriends, rotten kids, bad drugs, and reckless driving. They form a club to do good-girl stuff -- singing, knitting booties for orphans, baking cookies for soldiers, and home decorating. Everything's going great . . . until Martha Stewart moves in.

3. Morticia (nee Heidi) paints her finger nails black and joins the Bad Girls Club in hopes of trashing her parents' reputations. Two lackluster camp-outs and one fondue session later, she realizes that it isn't the (Bad Girls) Club; it's the Bad (Girls Club).

4. Beth, Juliette and Imogen form a club in which they dare each other to do "bad" things. Their sex lives are suddenly more exciting. But can their friendship survive when a "real" bad girl enters the picture?

5. Louanne, Sally, and Tiffany are so mean and stupid they have no friends. They spend all their time watching TV, eating junk food, being rude -- until a tornado sucks Sally's house up and plops the girls down on Cannibal Island, where they are suddenly very popular.

6. Bethany thought St. Agnes' Catholic school was strict. But when she arrives at Saint Helga's Girls School for the Unusually Unruly, she finds out that the "bad girls club" there isn't an extracurricular group. It's an actual wooden club.


Original Version

I am currently looking for representation for The Bad Girls Club, a sizzling chick lit novel (80,000 words).

The Bad Girls Club is about dares – dark and sexy and full of forbidden pleasure. It is about breaking free of nice girl rules. It’s also about friendship.

The Bad Girls Club is off to a rocky start. Imogen starts the club because she wants to get laid, but she's not sure she can become a bad girl until she loses a few pounds. Beth wants to schmooze her way into meeting her hero, Imogen's mother while Juliette thinks it beats another night playing Nintendo with her boyfriend. The only bad girl they know is Poppy – boss, friend, relative and all round bitch. Poppy, the girl who has everything.

Bad girls don't have rules, but they have an obligation to complete a series of dares. Dares that don't always go as expected but always push them out of their comfort zone. [Failing to complete your dares results in expulsion from the club? But what are the advantages of being in the club? Even though I'm uncomfortable with the idea of having sex with a complete stranger in an elevator, I will do so, so that I can remain in the club and . . . do something else uncomfortable next week?] [Are there parties, orgies, field trips to Bangkok?]

Imogen inspires the others with her stories of a hot encounter on a nudist beach but, in reality, she has a hard time shedding her clothes, let alone her inhibitions . Juliette gets transformed by a bad girl makeover and transfixed by a visit to an S&M club, but discovers she can't be a bad girl and keep her boyfriend. [Horrors! The boyfriend who wants her to play Nintendo every night? What's he got going for him?] Beth dreams of a magazine life but the Bad Girls Club pushes her into a life more like Hustler than Vogue. She's happy to be a bad girl so long as no one finds out.

As each of the girls gets pushed too far, they turn on each other and the club is disbanded. [The end.]

Without the support of the club, Imogen goes to crazy lengths to prove her desirability while Juliette, fearing her dominatrix power, returns to frumpy comfort. A drunken fling jeopardises Beth’s career. [So the club was a failure, and disbanding the club was also a failure. What's the moral?]

Then Poppy invites all three girls to her house warming party. Secrets are exposed and friendships betrayed. Are the girls ready to take the final leap that will have them branded as bad girls for real? [Yes. Spoiler alert: They kill Poppy, bury her in the woods, and feel closer and more exhilarated than ever. Not even Poppy was this bad. They resolve to kill again and again.]

Although this is my first novel, I have had several short stories published in anthologies of erotic fiction. I would be happy to forward a partial/full manuscript and thank you for your consideration.


Notes

I don't get the point of the club. Sometimes women get together to go to male strip shows because they don't feel comfortable going alone. But these women don't do their dares together, so there's no real "support" involved. Normally I would never go to nude beach and have a hot encounter, but if my fellow club member has declared she is going to an S & M club tomorrow, bring it on?

Has Beth considered telling Imogen she wants to meet her mother? Has Juliette considered breaking the Nintendo controller? I don't see that adopting a Hustler lifestyle and murdering Poppy is going to advance their cause.

Face-Lift 262

Guess the Plot

Nibbling Nirvana

1. An intern is in deep trouble when she is entrusted with the one-of-a-kind master tapes from original Nirvana songs, and her roommate's guinea pigs chew them to shreds.

2. When Teresa dies, God gives her a chance to escape limbo by doing good deeds. Her ghost befriends a nerd who needs her help getting a girl, but it turns out he did have a girlfriend once--and she's a ghost hunter!

3. Jazz trumpeter Jonesy Day plays his heart out at night at the only job he can get, a joint on the Bayou where he meets a pole dancer, whose stage name is Nirvana. Jonesy is hoping all his lipwork is going to pay off at last.

4. The celestial beings who have achieved enlightenment rethink their position on the sacredness of all life when an infestation of rodents makes living in Nirvana less than heavenly.

5. Detective Jon Louis Bretonne finds 17-year-old Kendall White in a French Quarter back alley, dead. The only clue is the sticky green froth at his mouth that means he'd been nibbling nirvana, the latest drug on the teen scene. Can Jon Louis work his way through hell to find out whose been peddling heaven?

6. In this alternative history novel, Kurt Cobain is forced to run for his life when his buzzed bandmates get a case of cannibalistic munchies after a concert.


Original Version

Dear Mr. Agent,

I'm querying your agency regarding my novel, Nibbling Nirvana, a YA paranormal chick lit of approximately 45k words.

When flaky, materialistic 16-year-old Teresa Jones kicks the bucket by choking on a pork sandwich, God gives her a chance to work her way out of limbo by performing good deeds. She befriends Brandon White, a quiet video game nerd in her school who can actually see and hear her, [It would be hard to do good deeds if people can't see or hear you. Is she non-corporeal, like a wisp of air? In which case she wouldn't be able to push a child out of the way of an oncoming truck? Or is she more like a mute invisible man? In which case when she takes an old lady's hand to help her across the street, the woman will freak out . . . and run in front of an oncoming truck.] and they strike a bargain: he'll help her fulfill her mission, while she'll teach him how to woo her pretty and popular best friend. [Does God know about this arrangement? Because Teresa seems like just the type to let Brandon do all the good deeds, in which case God's going to be pissed.]

However, a clueless ghost hunter (who just so happens to be Brandon's ex) [If Brandon has an ex, it would seem he managed to successfully woo at least one girl. I mean, what video game nerd has an ex? And if he does, why does he need lessons?] will do whatever it takes to make Teresa cross over to the other side. [Which is what?] Suddenly, Brandon's juggling more girls than he can handle, while Teresa's dealing with regret of things left undone. [Mainly, she regrets that she never got to finish that delicious pork sandwich.] And both must face an insurmountable problem: falling in love with each other.

Mr. Agent, I have a Master's degree in English and a Bachelor's degree in English, Creative Writing. I am a principal manuscript editor for a legal publishing company, and also freelance edit and teach self-editing workshops. I am a member of RWA, as well as the chick lit chapter.

I would be delighted to send you Nibbling Nirvana. Please let me know if you have any questions. I look forward to hearing from you and thank you for your time.

Sincerely,


Notes

Can the ghost hunter see or hear Teresa? Is there an explanation for why Brandon can see her?

Why is Brandon juggling so many girls? What happened to wooing Teresa's popular friend? What is it that has so many girls suddenly interested in this quiet video game nerd?

When Brandon sees Teresa, is she naked? Or does she have on invisible clothes?

Is God an actual character who tells Teresa her mission?

This is fairly brief, so you have room to address a couple of EE's questions and comments.

Face-Lift 195

Guess the Plot

My Big Sucky Undead High School Reunion

1. Carrie White discusses her failures as a teenager and why she was the only one to show up at her tenth high school reunion.

2. In this sequel to The Best Damn High School Reunion, Period, the chess team comes back five years later as vampires to suck the blood from the cheerleaders . . . and the life from the party.

3. It's only Toula Portokalos's five-year reunion, but her classmates seem much paler and less fun than she remembers.

4. Molly the vampire is desperate to go to her 20th high school reunion. If nothing else, she figures she'll be a shoo-in for "Youngest Looking."

5. When Jackie Hatcher arrived at her high school reunion, she expected the usual bad dye jobs, saggy breasts and pot bellies. Green skin and lurching weren’t in the picture, and now she feels kind of awkward telling people to get a life.

6. Teen vampire Debbie Noogle explains her difficulties getting a date, getting a drink and getting a publisher.


Original Version

Dear EE,

I noticed on your hypothetical website that you're interested in paranormal chick lit, and I would like to submit my 85K novel, [Are you saying the letter "K" appears in your novel 85 times?] MY BIG SUCKY UNDEAD HIGH SCHOOL REUNION, for your consideration. [Could this be our long-awaited zombie book?]

Molly the vampire [It's always vampires. If I want a zombie novel, I'm gonna have to write it myself.] is desperate to go to her 20th year high school reunion, figuring she'll be a shoe-in for "Youngest Looking", if nothing else. She made a blood pact with her high school buddies, and as a vamp she takes blood pacts seriously. So she defies the ruling of the vampire Board [Corporations have boards; Vampires have councils.] that all of the transformed abandon their previous lives and takes off forAlabama. Her biggest critic, vamp security officer Victor James, is sent from New York to drag her back to where she belongs--Incognitoville, like the rest of their long-lived kind. [Doesn't have the same ring to it as Transylvania.]

However, not everyone on the Board wants to see Victor, a candidate for the vampire presidency, return alive--yes, vampires are alive, just infected. [Based on the title of the book, vampires are undead. Is that alive?] And one of Molly's former classmates has some massive revenge fantasies to fulfill that involve Molly, and since high school he's developed the ability to fulfill them. [Make a connection between those sentences.] [And what do you mean he's developed the ability?]

I'm an active member of RWA, have a Master's Degree in Creative Writing, and published short fiction with (list of publications with small press, royalty paying publishers). I look forward to your response.

Sincerely,


Revised Version

Dear EE,

I noticed on your hypothetical website that you're interested in paranormal chick lit, and I would like to submit my 85,000-word novel, MY BIG SUCKY UNDEAD HIGH SCHOOL REUNION, for your consideration.

Molly the vampire is desperate to go to her class's 20th high school reunion. Hey, if nothing else she should be a shoo-in for "Youngest Looking." She made a blood pact with her high school buddies--they would all make it to the 20th reunion--and as a vamp she takes blood pacts seriously. So she defies the vampire law requiring the transformed to abandon their previous lives, and heads for her old school in Alabama.

Complications arise as soon as Molly arrives. One of Molly's former classmates wants to fulfill some massive revenge fantasies involving Molly--and since high school, he's developed the ability to fulfill them, having become the leader of an army of zombies. Vamp security officer Victor James has been sent from New York to drag Molly back to where she belongs--Incognitoville, like the rest of their long-lived kind. And adding to the confusion, someone on the Vampire Council doesn't want Victor, a candidate for the vampire presidency, coming back undead.

If you'd like to read more about Molly, the manuscript is complete and available. I'm an active member of RWA, have a Master's Degree in Creative Writing, and have published short fiction with (list of publications with small press, royalty paying publishers). I look forward to your response. Thank you.

Sincerely,


Notes

Cute idea, funny title. Just a few points:

Why is Victor the biggest critic of little old Molly the vampire? It seems a candidate for the vampire presidency would have bigger fish to fry than Molly. You won't see Hillary Clinton or John McCain in Alabama with an election looming.

You call it chick lit, but the description could easily apply to mainstream comedy, or even young adult, assuming Molly was transformed while a young adult. Perhaps much of the book involves Molly's conversations with her old buddies, and perhaps you'd want to mention this, or something, to clarify what makes it chick lit.

Face-Lift 178

Guess the Plot

Nine to Five

1. When a series of injuries and ejections takes nearly half of the Scottsville Sluggers off the field, it's going to take everything they have, and then some, if they want to win the most critical game of their season.

2. Becca Tatum keeps losing men who are intimidated by her great 9 to 5 job. Her solution: tell her new man she's unemployed. Hilarity ensues.

3. Bookie Swifty Malone calculates his chances of getting a date with debutante Cecilia Vandervoort, the woman of his dreams.

4. The night shift always depressed security guard Stuart Possle. But the Donut Shack opened at five A.M., so there was always something to live for.

5. Middle school math teacher Roger Hamilton gets in trouble with the school board when he takes his class to the horse races for a lesson in statistics.

6. Every afternoon, Henrietta disappears at precisely nine minutes to five. And every morning she reappears at nine to five. Poor Henrietta doesn't know where she is half the time.


Original Version

Becca Tatum is successful. She's got a great job, a condo in downtown Chicago, a car, everything that a 25-year-old could possibly want. [Can you hook me up with her?] [The first sentence is blah. Dump it and change the second to Becca Tatum has everything a 25-year-old could possibly want: a great job, a condo in downtown Chicago, and a new red Mustang (or whatever car company is willing to pay for product placement).] She's even got a great boyfriend...until, intimidated by her independence, he runs for the hills. [Which, from Chicago, is quite a run.] And he's not the first one to do that. [What man wouldn't run from a woman with a job, a condo, and a car? Just thinking about her has me wishing I had my security blanket and Valium next to the computer.]

Becca has had enough. Why can't guys just appreciate her for who she is instead of worrying about her lifestyle and how theirs may not compare? So when she meets the gorgeous, charming Daniel Kennerly -- who happens to be an "aspiring artist" (read: total slacker) -- she decides to reinvent herself for his benefit. From here on out, she'll be Becca Tatum, unemployed. [Did it ever occur to her that it's not the fact she has a job that bothers guys, but the fact that she's a proctologist?]

This doesn't mean she's actually going to quit her job -- just find a way to hide it from Daniel as their romance blossoms. And, of course, that kind of deception never goes anywhere good. Especially when she ends up in charge of planning a huge benefit that, suddenly, has a very personal meaning. [Not clear. If she's running an art show to benefit the unemployed, in which Daniel's participating, it's okay to reveal this. That way we can anticipate the ensuing hilarity.]

Nine to Five, [Is this title vital? With the movie and song already out there (not to mention some books with the exact same title and dozens for which that's part of the title) maybe it's worth looking for something more original.] complete at 70,000 words, provides a look at one of the most challenging dilemmas facing young women in the dating scene: [Men.] How can you keep your identity as a strong woman in a world where so many men want to be in control of the relationship? [Is this still a problem? Don't most men today, like Evil Editor, want to be dominated by women? Preferably two at a time?] In reversing the frequently-used fictional formula in which the protagonist pretends to be something better than he or she is, Nine to Five provides an unexpected and engaging "chick-lit" style story that may be exaggerated, but will ring true for many women.


Notes

I'd like to hear more about how the deception goes badly. I'm thinking that's what makes or breaks this, whether it's hilarious (or heartbreaking, if that's what you're going for) and original or humdrum.

Face-Lift 149

Guess the Plot

Don't Drop Me Now—I Can't Die With Split Ends

1. Prudence has the lead role in the school play, but faulty flight rigging threatens to send her crashing to her death. Plus she's having a bad hair day, as usual.

2. Alsareim was born into life as one of the levitating protectors of the land of Urd, but he really wants to be a hairstylist. His compatriots mock his dreams, until a princess of the bird demons shows up with a follicular disaster that only he can repair.

3. First book of my Chick lit trilogy, to be followed by If I'm on Life Support, Don't Unplug Me 'Til I'm A Size Six, and Never Say, "She Looks So Natural."

4. Trapped in a broken cable car with an evil-tempered poodle called "Split Ends" for company, Katy prays for rescue while plotting ways to kill the pooch.

5. Carried in the arms of a dozen Hollywood monsters, B Movie actress Griselda Charm tells her story of vampires, mayhem and shampoo commercials.

6. Just when Veronica Wadsworth was about to get her life together she learned the secret identity of her new superhero boyfriend: he's her hairdresser.


Original Version

Dear Mr. E. Editor,

Burdened with a personality as quaint as her awful name, Prudence Phillips started her senior year somewhat imprudently: She accidentally flashed the O'Neill County Scholarly Miss pageant judges in the middle of her monologue. [I assume she went on to win.] [This seems hard to do by accident. What was exposed, and how did it happen? And if it was an accident, in what way was it imprudent? Maybe it should be "Morticia Phillips started her senior year somewhat mortified."] [The sentence makes it sound like it was her quaint personality that caused her to accidentally flash the judges. Was it?] Now Prudence – usually a very quiet, mild theatre geek – just wants to escape high school with a vestige of her self-esteem intact. [Now I can't get the song "Dear Prudence" out of my head, and I don't even like it.]

When Genzy [Genzy? And Prudence is complaining about her name?] Ledbetter moves to town with her take-no-prisoners attitude and ideas, Prudence begins taking risks [Why? Peer pressure? Jealousy? Coincidence? Do Genzy and Prudence know each other?] – not just with her hair, but also with her heart. Even gorgeous Max Nast, the object of her most secret crush, seems to be noticing. [Noticing her hair? Finally noticing that she exists?] Then Pru wins the lead in the spring musical, a role that Genzy covets. Can Prudence earn her new friend's forgiveness? [Yes.] Will she ever summon the courage to look directly into Max's eyes? [Yes.] Is she destined to death by faulty flight rigging in the middle of the play? [No.] And how will she ever get her hair under control, anyway? [Haircut.]

Don't Drop Me Now—I Can't Die With Split Ends is my 76,000-word contemporary novel, best described as Young Adult/Chick Lit. I found your listing [on Agent Query, or wherever], and a review of your website led me to hope that my work would interest you.

I have had a number of articles and essays published in such magazines as Better Homes & Gardens and VOGUE Knitting. Before freelancing, I was an award-winning ad copywriter.

If you would like to read a full, partial, or synopsis, please just let me know. I've enclosed the requisite SASE along with the first few pages of the manuscript (feel free to recycle), and I thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely, et cetera


Revised Version

Dear Mr. E. Editor,

Prudence Phillips starts her senior year somewhat imprudently: she accidentally flashes the O'Neill County Scholarly Miss Pageant judges during her monologue. Now this mild-mannered theatre geek just wants to escape high school with a vestige of her self-esteem intact.

When Genzy Ledbetter moves to town with her take-no-prisoners attitude, she gets Prudence to start taking risks – with her hair, and with her heart. It seems to be working; gorgeous Max Nast, the object of Pru's most secret crush, is noticing her at last. Then Pru wins the lead in the spring musical, a role Genzy covets. Will success cost Prudence her new friendship? Will she summon the courage to actually talk to Max? And how will she ever get her hair under control, anyway?

Don't Drop Me Now—I Can't Die With Split Ends is my 76,000-word contemporary novel, best described as Young Adult/Chick Lit. I found your listing [on Agent Query, or wherever], and a review of your website leads me to hope that the book will interest you.

I have had a number of articles and essays published in such magazines as Better Homes & Gardens and VOGUE Knitting. Before freelancing, I was an award-winning ad copywriter.

If you would like to read a full, partial, or synopsis, please just let me know. I've enclosed the requisite SASE along with the first few pages of the manuscript (feel free to recycle), and I thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely, et cetera


Notes

Just some minor adjustments based on Evil Editor's take, which isn't always accurate.

YA/Chick lit? It seems like most YA books for girls would be chick lit in a watered-down way, which might mean there's no reason to call them chick lit at all. I'd probably just call it YA, but others may correct me if I'm wrong.

Face-Lift 76

Guess the Plot

The Mommy Club

1. When a ragtag, fugitive gang of diaper-clad, daycare delinquents crawls into a rural small town and suffocates the sheriff under bloody binkies, only one woman can stop them from suckling the town dry. She walks tall and carries a big stick--the Mommy Club.

2. A new mother learns of a disturbing tradition passed down through the generations of her family, an object used for disciplinary purposes.

3. The bludgeons peddled by the mysterious stranger are being snapped up quicker than Volvo SUVs by the young mother crowd, but are the results too good to be true?

4. After moving to the quaint little cul de sac of Meandering Trail--part Desperate Housewives, part Stepford Wives--Molly realizes that not getting pregnant isn't the worst thing that can happen . . . Her neighbors are.

5. When zombies invade a day-care center, only one person has any hope of stopping them: single mom Angela Pape and her mystical baseball bat.

6. Twenty years after forming a club to find babysitting jobs, Kristy, Claudia and Mary-Anne decide it's time to farm their own kids off on a new generation of teenagers in order to have some quality "me" time.


Original Version

My husband and I have not had sex for almost 4 months. [Are you coming on to Evil Editor?] And frankly, I don't miss it. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband and he is a wonderful lover. It all just seems so.pointless. [When you consider that the sun will go nova some day, everything seems pointless.]

I spent my late teens and twenties avoiding pregnancy, after all it was part of the thrill. You know the "oh-my-god-my-period-is-an-hour-late" dilemma or the ever-famous "did-the-condom-break-and-he-didn't-tell-me ?" There was great relief and rejoicing when months end brought my period right on schedule, but also a little excitement in having beat the odds. [Could we get to the query letter part? Evil Editor is getting a little uncomfortable with the conversation.]

I am sure that most people would think I was crazy, but I think its true. Now sex is no great challenge. I am married, I am an adult, I am allowed to have sex - yet somehow it does not hold the same appeal. [On the other hand, think how great it feels to get it out of the way, so you don't have to suffer through it again for another four months.]

I am not crazy, I assure you. But they crazy thing is, I am trying to get pregnant. Really. And yes I know all about the birds and the bees; it takes two to tango and all the other references to baby making. Which may or may not be true but we will talk about that later. Bottom line is I know you gotta do a lot of baking if you want a bun in the oven. [Last time we did a query about pregnancy, Evil Editor was bombarded with comments from women who didn't even turn the oven on, and got bunned.]

The fact that we have been trying for over two years is definitely part of the problem. I say "trying" because rather than have sex everyday everyway trying not to get pregnant, our mating ritual involves Dr's visits, temperature charting, cervical mucus inspection, ovulation predicator kits and carefully planned at-the-specific-right-moment uneventful, missionary position sex. Forget the love.forget the spark.but don't forget the lubricant. It can get really ugly. [The query letter itself is getting a bit yucky.]

But I guess, maybe I should just start at the beginning... [That was part of the query, right? Maybe a "Dear Editor," at the beginning is in order; you wouldn't want an editor to think you accidentally put the wrong letter in the envelope.] Even before her first date with Marc, Molly had already planned their future together and it included 2.5 children. [It also included Marc changing the "c" to a "k."] Unfortunately, just over two years later it wasn't working out as planned. [They were still 1.75 children short.] When a sudden job transfer lands them on the quaint little cul de sac of Meandering Trail, part Desperate Housewives part Stepford Wives, Molly realizes that not getting pregnant isn't the worst thing that can happen. Her neighbors are. [They drug her and impregnate her with the seed of Satan.]

The Mommy Club is a humorous look at the world of infertility from the inside. [It's told from the point of view of Molly's ovaries.] In struggling with infertility for many years before the birth of my son, one thing that kept me going was humor. Please let me know if you have any questions or are interested in receiving the complete manuscript.


Revised Version

Even before her first date with Marc, Molly had planned their future together and it included 2.5 children. Unfortunately, two years have passed since their wedding, and her plan is not bearing fruit. Not even the half-child has arrived.

Molly is miserable. She wants children in the worst way. But when a job transfer lands her and Marc on the quaint little cul de sac of Meandering Trail, part Desperate Housewives part Stepford Wives, she realizes that not getting pregnant isn't the worst thing that can happen . . . Her neighbors are.

Half of Molly's new neighbors have babies, which they're constantly parading up and down the street. And the older neighbors are always asking her when she's going to have children. Just when Molly most needs support, it seems everyone is trying to make her lose control and just scream.

The Mommy Club is a humorous look at the world of infertility from the inside. In struggling with infertility for many years before the birth of my son (doctor visits, temperature charting, cervical mucus inspection, ovulation predictor kits, I could go on and on), one thing that kept me going was humor. Please let me know if you have any questions or are interested in receiving the complete manuscript.


Notes

The opening paragraphs are attention-grabbing, but they aren't working. It's not clear, even with the italics, that it's the viewpoint of the character. Especially when the query switches from first person to third. Plus, the book is humorous; the first part of the query is depressing.

Obviously the third paragraph of Evil Editor's Version is a guess. Substitute whatever it is that's making her neighbors the problem.

Face-Lift 63

Guess the Plot

40 Weeks

1. 40 chapters, each covering a week in the pregnancy of a woman who'd rather not be pregnant, except that it gives her an excuse to get away from her husband to see the hunky obstetrician she has a crush on.

2. A Boots and Babies romance meets Alien when pregnant Kaylee Ann discovers the truth about her beau Cody: he's from LA.

3. Hounded by the IRS, her abandoned husband, and the Guinness Book of World Records, former cokehead and nymphomaniac Carla West struggles with her worst addiction yet: she just can't get enough rehab.

4. After a supernatural force possesses Sarah on her wedding night, compelling her to slaughter a conference room full of show chickens, her groom uses a mystical amulet to travel 40 weeks into the past and try to prevent the tragedy--while also saving his marriage.

5. Marian's baby is overdue and she's tired of being pregnant. She creates a blog that she writes on a laptop from her bed, airing her soon-to-be ex's dirty laundry. When she's satisfied that all has been said, Marian falls asleep. But then Baby slips out, takes over the laptop and blogs some surprising tales about Marian.

6. Crystal Devereaux, a wealthy heiress, becomes pregnant and her dad must wait forty weeks to find out if the father of the child is Duke Herald, a Vegas Casino owner, or Paco Grande, a wandering gypsy she met in Vegas. If the father is Duke, there will a wedding at Shotgun Pete's. If it's Paco . . . the shotgun will still come into play.


Original Version

Dear Ms. xx,

It’s a simple fact. Whether or not they want one, all women think about babies and procreating. [I think you mean all men . . . Oh, wait, "procreating." I thought you said "procrastinating."] Some women can’t wait to become mothers. Some women plan every single detail on how and when they will become pregnant, timing it out perfectly so they are back in their swimsuits for summer. And some women let the idea slip into their minds, but then throw that biological clock all the way across the bedroom so it won’t buzz in their ear anymore.

But what if the husband’s biological clock is ticking? What if he’s ready to procreate but his wife isn’t? [Isn't that always the case? . . . Oh, wait, "procreate." I thought you said "fornicate."] What if his wife is focusing on her marriage, her recent promotion, her infertile sister, Thursday Happy Hour, and an anniversary trip to Jamaica? [Too bad the sister is infertile, or Evil Editor would have the obvious solution.] What if the wife is so preoccupied with all these things, she forgets to take her pill and begins the 40-week process of procreating [Can't we occasionally use a less clinical word than "procreating"? For instance, in paragraph 1: . . . all women think about babies and pregnancy. From Paragraph 2: What if he’s ready to screw all night and the consequences be damned but his wife isn’t? And: . . . she forgets to take her pill and begins the 40-week process of offspring manufacture.] even though she’s so far from ready, nothing will prepare her for this!

Meet Ellen McMillan, Visual Display Creative Director, Wife, and now, Pregnant Woman. My 110,000-word novel, 40 Weeks, spans the 40 weeks of Ellen McMillan's pregnancy, each chapter being a week in her journey to motherhood and everything that collides in her life during that time. The story is told in first-person, present-tense,

[Chapter 36

The baby kicks me. It hurts. He kicks me again. The little bastard. Adam walks into the room, Adam and his fucking biological clock. I pull the Glock from beneath my pillow and gleefully unload it into his chest. The baby kicks me again. Somehow this time it doesn't hurt nearly as much.

Or is it told from the kid's point of view?

Chapter 29

"Hey," I scream, "it's been 29 weeks, would somebody turn on a goddamn light?!" Nothing.

Christ, it's boring as hell in here.

I politely ask, "Could you play something besides the soundtrack from Les Miz out there?! If I hear 'Master of the House' one more time, I'm gonna puke." The music continues. I kick the bitch in the stomach.]

and is unique in that it is quite possibly a genre not yet defined--a suspenseful yet comedic, not-quite chick-lit, on-the-verge-of-mom-lit, emotionally charged novel. [Not to rain on your parade, but "Suspenseful yet comedic, not-quite chick-lit, on-the-verge-of-mom-lit, emotionally charged novel" is one of the categories in the RWA's annual Hearts and Heroes contest--and has been for twenty years.]

Here's a brief summary: [Finally we get to the important part, the part where you repeat everything you've already said, plugging in the characters' names.]

Ellen McMillan’s plan for the next forty weeks didn’t involve tip-toeing around her infertile sister, lusting after her hot OB, housebreaking a pet, and suffering through painful varicose veins. She didn’t plan on second-guessing everything her husband did and spilling tears like an annoying drippy faucet, but thanks to the Two Hearts pregnancy test, she’s doing all this and more! [Thanks to a pregnancy test she's housebreaking a pet?] [Has she asked her infertile sister if she'd like to adopt a kid?]

Ellen and her husband, Adam - married almost five years - are still living their lives as newlyweds and have planned a Caribbean vacation to celebrate their anniversary. Ellen’s just become Visual Display Creative Director for a national department store where she is finally running the show, and she’s thrilled with her up-and-coming career. She’s got a doting husband, an exciting marriage, a caring (yet slightly dysfunctional) family, great friends, and a cool social life. She’s having the time of her life, and she's not slowing down for anyone or anything! [Little of this is important enough to be in the query.]

When Ellen discovers she’s pregnant, she’s beyond shocked. It’s nothing she ever expected or wanted at this stage in her life. She realizes that Thursday-night Happy Hour at The Living Room bar has just come to a screeching and sober halt. [With all she's got going for her, you'd think giving up half-price pitchers on Thursday nights would be low on the list of sobering realizations.]

Is dealing with morning sickness, weight gain and varicose veins really that bad? Add to the angst of a first-time pregnancy: an OB who makes her insides flutter (and it’s not because the baby’s kicking!), a pregnant boss who thinks mothers can't also have careers, and a husband who is suddenly MIA, and things in Ellen's life really swirl out of control. [You like to make lists, don't you?] [You suggested in paragraph 2 that the husband's biological clock was ticking. He should be thrilled. Instead you say he's MIA?]

Along the way, an intriguing stranger, medical mishaps, and the discovery of a family secret forces [force] Ellen to step back and take a long, hard look at where she’s been, where she’s going, who she is, and who she wants to be.

You'd think forty weeks would give someone plenty of time to figure it all out, [I'm just wondering if I'll be done reading this query in 40 weeks.] but time's running out and Ellen's got to get it all together before the water breaks, she dilates to ten, and she becomes the most important person in the world: a Mother.

I have a journalism degree from Northern Illinois University and have been published in Parenting, Pregnancy, Parents Express, Curious Parents, The Philadelphia Inquirer, The Bucks County Courier Times, and www.iparenting.com. I've written for www.babyzone.com for three years and am an editor for their Web site's weekly e-newsletter. I have also been featured as Writer of the Month in Writers Success, an e-newsletter for writers. My personal blog has been recently nominated for a Best Of Blog award in the Mom Category. [Too many credits.]

It is my hope that the publication of 40 Weeks will bring joy and introspection to a rainbow of women – those who anxiously await motherhood, those who have already been through the experience, and like Ellen, even those women who aren't quite sure there are batteries in their biological clocks!

I do thank you for taking the time to consider my novel, and if you are interested, I would be happy to send you a detailed synopsis or the manuscript.

Sincerely,


Revised Version

Dear Ms. xx,

Meet Ellen McMillan: career woman, wife, and now, mother-to-be. Ellen's plan for the next forty weeks didn’t involve morning sickness and varicose veins. With a doting husband and a career she loves, pregnancy is the last thing she wanted at this stage in her life.

Add to the angst of a first-time pregnancy an OB who makes her insides flutter (and not because the baby’s kicking!), and a husband who's suddenly MIA, and Ellen's life begins to swirl out of control. You'd think forty weeks would be plenty of time to figure out where she’s going, who she is, and who she wants to be, but time's running out.

My 110,000-word novel, 40 Weeks, spans Ellen's pregnancy, each chapter a week in her journey to motherhood. It is my hope that this comedic, emotionally charged book will bring joy and introspection to women who anxiously await motherhood and even those who aren't quite sure there are batteries in their biological clocks!

I have been published in Parenting, Pregnancy, Parents Express, and The Philadelphia Inquirer. I've also written for www.babyzone.com for three years. I thank you for taking the time to consider my novel, and would be happy to send a detailed synopsis or the manuscript.

Sincerely,


Notes

It's not that the longer version is terrible, it's just that some editors and agents have short attention spans, and as you don't know . . . Sorry, what was I talking about?

Some readers find the present tense annoying. In this case a reader could infer that Ellen is writing the book during her pregnancy, and will wonder if she'd be more into motherhood if she were less focused on writing about it.

Face-Lift 10

Guess the Plot

Stripped

1. When Big Willie Miller shows up for work at the furniture refinishing shop, he discovers his boss's dead, naked body on the floor. The secretary is missing and so is every chair and table in the place.

2. The Maxwells' massive home renovation coincides with the crumbling of their marriage.

3. Business traveler Mudge Simpson knew all the tricks at the airport--until the day his seven-year-old nephew left a Super Laser Toy Gun in his pocket, the same pocket in which his ex-wife planted a joint.

4. Amanda's co-workers throw her a party to cheer her up after she misses out on a promotion she deserved. They even hire a male stripper. How will Amanda react when she discovers the stripper is the guy who did get the promotion?

5. A psychiatrist uses a Rorschach test and a full-body search to expose a cadre of smugglers working in the human resources department of a Fortune-500 company.

6. Lounge Lizard Ervin Parvenik comes home from work and finds Candy Striper, his favorite stripper, bound and gagged in his bedroom with a note tucked into her G-string that reads, “Kill Candy, or die.”


Original Version

What would you do if the stripper at your party turned out to be the person who got your promotion at work? [Evil Editor would have the film he secretly made of the striptease on the Internet so fast . . . ]

Stripped is a 65,000 word chick lit novel. It was a finalist in the chick lit category of the 2005 Northeast Ohio RWA’s Romancing the Novel contest. [There are too many adjectives in romance writing. In the chick lit division of the 2005 Northeast Ohio RWA’s Romancing the Novel contest, my 100,000-word paranormal erotic mystery suspense got honorable mention in the Mildred Murphy Hearts and Roses Best Kiss that Takes Place Later Than Chapter 10 category.]

Amanda Thomson, a web designer dissatisfied with her dull life, finds out that Jake Waters, the talentless stripper at the consolation party her friends threw for her when she lost out on a management promotion, got the job she wanted – no, deserved. [You didn't get the job? Hey, let's party!]

And not only is she fighting to prove herself at work, Amanda also has to deal with her meddling Grammy, her mom dating for the first time since her dad’s death, and her sister’s nagging suspicions of a cheating spouse. [Evil Editor wishes you had used a name other than Amanda. Suddenly he can't stop thinking about Amanda Peet.]

Jake just relocated from Chicago and only stripped to his skivvies at Amanda[Peet]’s party as a favor for a friend.
["Hey, old buddy, we're throwing a party to cheer up the woman who deserved to get the job you just got, and we thought it might be appropriate for you to show up at the party and do a strip tease."
"You're right; it's the least I can do . . . but it's a little late to find a babysitter for Chelsea."
"Bring her along!"]
He’s a workaholic single dad, trying to balance work demands while caring for his eight-year-old daughter…and chafing beneath his pushy mother’s influence.

The power struggles and sexual tension increase when Amanda and Jake are forced to work together at a tech conference, and then on an important client’s project. Amanda [who looks exactly like Amanda Peet,] struggles to believe in her own self-worth. Jake [who looks exactly like Evil Editor,] struggles to learn how to balance work and home responsibilities. And both struggle to get what they want and need from a relationship with each other, [a relationship that quickly moves from the boardroom to the hot, steamy bedroom.]


~ ~ ~


[Okay, Evil Editor is back from his break.]

I have a Master’s degree in English, and my Bachelor's degree was in English, Creative Writing. I worked in web design, and I am a principal manuscript editor for a legal publishing company. I also freelance edit and teach self-editing workshops. I am a member of Romance Writers of America, as well as the Chick Lit Writers of the World chapter.

I would be delighted to send you the first three chapters and a synopsis of Stripped. Thank you very much for your time and consideration, and please let me know if you have any questions.

Sincerely,


Revised Version

How would you feel if the stripper at your party got the promotion you deserved?

Amanda Thomson, a web designer dissatisfied with her dull life, learns that she didn't get the big promotion to a management position that she wanted. Her friends try to cheer her up by throwing a consolation party, complete with a male stripper. Amanda feels a little better--until she finds out who did get the promotion: the stripper!

Jake Waters just relocated from Chicago, and only stripped to his skivvies at Amanda’s party as a favor for a friend. He’s a workaholic single dad, trying to balance work demands while caring for his eight-year-old daughter.

Power struggles and sexual tension arise when Amanda and Jake are forced to work together at a tech conference, and then on an important client’s project. Amanda, who must also deal with her mom dating for the first time since her dad’s death, and her sister’s nagging suspicions of a cheating spouse, begins to question her own self-worth. Jake strains to balance work and home responsibilities. And both struggle to get what they want and need from a relationship with each other.

Stripped is a 65,000 word chick lit novel. It was a finalist in the chick lit category of the 2005 Northeast Ohio RWA’s Romancing the Novel contest. I have a Master’s degree in English, have worked in web design, and am a principal manuscript editor for a legal publishing company. I also freelance edit and teach self-editing workshops. I am a member of Romance Writers of America.

I would be delighted to send you the first three chapters and a synopsis of Stripped. Thank you very much for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


Notes

Is there a romance between Jake and Amanda? If so, tell us what could possibly attract her to a talentless stripper who stole her promotion. No jury (of twelve women) would convict her if she murdered the guy.

One thing I don't get. There's a job opening at Amanda's firm. Years of productive work have earned her this promotion. Jake relocates from Chicago. If he relocated because he got the job, and it's been announced that Amanda didn't get the job, then everyone at the party would know Jake got the job. Yet the query seems to imply that the people at the party don't know this. If Jake relocated for another job, one on Amanda's level, and gets the promotion after only two days in town, just because he's a man, well, that's the way it works in the real world, but this is fiction, and fiction needs to make sense.

A reader asked why the queries were all for romance novels. As it happened, Evil Editor was first mentioned publicly on a romance writers loop, and the ladies wanted to keep him all to themselves. (And, come to think of it, vice versa.) It may also be worth noting the following figures on sales of popular fiction:

Science Fiction 7.3% (53m)
General Fiction 12.1% (88m)
Mystery 24.7% (187m)
Romance 38.8% (283m)

These figures are six years old, and the gap has probably widened. More romances require more romance authors. And, of course, more romance queries. Evil Editor now has many non-romance queries in his pile, and will get to them soon.