Feedback Request

The author of the book featured in Face-Lift 1477 would like feedback on the following version of the query:

I seek representation for Songs of the Empaths, a 75,000-word science fiction/fantasy novel blending historical intrigue, futuristic adventure, and rich ensemble storytelling.

It is the 23rd century in the authoritarian League. Sixteen-year-old Kati lives a miserable life, bullied at school and friendless. After Kati has a grand mal seizure in the lunchroom, her mother reveals that it wasn’t a true seizure: Kati is an empath with dormant but powerful time-splitting abilities that threaten the League's already tenuous grasp on its citizens. Her mother urges Kati to escape to the Western Territories, where empaths can train freely and use their supernatural abilities.  [I don't like the first sentence of this paragraph. If I said it's the 23rd century in the National Football League, you'd wonder what century it is in the NBA. More specific to your book, I'm wondering what century it is in the Western Territories. Maybe it would help if I knew what the League is. Country? Empire? State? Union of the Eastern Territories? Is it on planet Earth? Does it have a name, like we call France "France" instead of "the Country"? If you start: It is the 23rd century. Sixteen-year-old Kati lives a miserable life in the authoritarian League, bullied etc., I'll no longer wonder if the League is the only place where it's the 23rd century. I still don't know exactly what the League is, but you can sneak that in somewhere if you want to.]

Once in the Western Territories, Kati forms telepathic connections with a group of empaths from different historical eras. Together, they create a "coterie," a mental network that enables them to share thoughts, emotions, and supernatural empathic abilities across time and space. Kati's powerful coterie includes a 14th-century Franciscan monk with the power of persuasion, a brilliant polyglot with the near sight, a boy-wonder physicist, and an epilepsy and empath researcher. [I Googled "the near sight." Google thinks I mean nearsightedness. Maybe I should have tried Bing. You could say with the ability to . . . whatever]

The timeline faces an existential threat: rogue 21st-century time splitter Jaya teleports [in]to the League, inadvertently causing dangerous "time quakes." Only another time splitter backed by a powerful coterie can return Jaya. Kati—her coterie telepathically in tow[, and her time-splitting power now awakened,]--and a small band of Western Clansmen embark[s] on a dangerous journey to the League. Their mission: is clear: they must rescue Jaya from League territory,[and] return her to her rightful era, and prevent [before] the timeline from unraveling[s]. 

Even as the team assembles for their mission, Kati is insecure and deeply conflicted. She longs to prove herself to her coterie, [and] the [Western] Clanspeople, and the bullies from school, but she worries that the Western Clans have overestimated her powers and the mission will fail. When the time quakes intensify, Kati must decide whether to cast her doubts aside, trust her abilities, and lead her team—or risk losing everything. [Or? She risks everything either way. It seems to me the choice is between letting the timeline unravel or trying to prevent it. Assuming the unraveling is a bad thing, the choice is obvious. Of course, if the unraveling could lead to a new timeline in which empaths aren't treated like dirt, maybe she does have a dilemma.]

The narrative unfolds from the perspectives of five main characters, including the coterie members and Jaya. [The coterie plus Jaya = 6. Which one doesn't get to be the POV character?] Immersive backstory chapters illuminate each character's journey and desires. Songs of the Empaths will appeal to those interested in Jimenez's The Vanished Birds ensemble storytelling and the hero's journey found in Kingfisher's A Wizard's Guide to Defensive Baking. 

I am a retired XXX professor who lives in XXX, near XXX, with my husband and our toy poodle. I am currently enrolled in Stanford's Memoir Certificate program. Thank you for considering my work; I look forward to hearing from you.

 

It's an improvement, though a bit long. You could drop the last paragraph. 

I made a lot of suggestions, but they're mostly minor things. 

Are the coterie members (besides the monk) 23rd-century people? If so, are they going on the mission? If not, what do they do? Give Kati advice? Are they all in Kati's head, arguing with each other about what she should do next, until the monk finally persuades her to go with his ideas?