Face-Lift 1468

Guess the Plot

Broken Vows and Stolen Hearts

1. Valerie said she would give Surgeon Tim her heart forever. Years later, Tim needs a heart transplant, and insists Valerie honor her vow. When Valerie reneges, Tim has to hope she dies soon, even if it means helping her along.

2. Two nuns working at a Catholic hospital fall for each other while investigating a rogue organ-trafficking priest. But whose vows will be broken first?

3. A deadly assassin befriends a teenager and vows to not kill her if she'll help him and his buddies to awaken a god and take over the world. Romance ensues.

4. Maria and Joe vowed to do all that stuff people vow to do when they get married, but apparently Joe didn't take his vows seriously, because thanks to internet dating sites, he's having new affairs every week. Also thanks to the internet, Maria now knows which poison won't be detected in an autopsy, and where to get it.

5. Ellie bought a bag of those little candy hearts with messages on them to give out on Valentines Day. But her little brother Ernie stole them and ate them all, even though he promised not to. Third grade trials and tribulations are the worst.

Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Here's my query for an inspired Pride and Prejudice meets Assassin's Creed in BROKEN VOWS AND STOLEN HEARTS, a YA fantasy/romance:

When Dex, a seventeen-year-old thief, swipes a mysterious black note from a deadly assassin, she has to pinch herself. The note promises her weight in gold, enough to earn her sister’s freedom from the brothel. All she has to do is complete a delivery. [Why are you telling me what color the note is? Why is a thief stealing a note? Seems like money or other valuables would be more fruitful. Is the note a piece of black paper with writing on it? If so, wouldn't it be more convenient to choose a different color paper, one that ink will show up on? I guess whoever wrote the note had no ink or graphite, but lots of chalk. Also, if you're gonna rob someone, a deadly assassin should not be your first choice. Moving on to the 2nd sentence, does the note promise anyone their weight in gold, or specifically the assassin, or specifically Dex? If I steal a note promising the holder of the note their weight in gold, I'm getting someone who weighs 300 pounds to complete the task for a cut of the reward. Also, if I have hundreds of pounds of gold, and I need something delivered, I'm calling FedEx or UPS and keeping my gold. Also, any brothel owner would gladly free one of their workers for a lot less than Dex's weight in gold. 20 pounds of gold would do it.]

But when she’s framed for murder, Dex finds herself on the run, only to be caught by the assassin. [Does the assassin know she stole the note? Did the assassin commit the murder she was framed for?] Impressed she fulfilled the delivery, [She did? What did she deliver, to whom did she deliver it, and did she get her weight in gold?] he gives her two choices: join their ranks or die. [I would call that one choice.] Terrified of failing her sister and that he’ll learn the truth, [What truth?] she agrees to train under the brutal mentor, Caliban. [If this is set in Afghanistan, and the brutal mentor Caliban is a Taliban, you've got a winner.] There she learns of a high-stakes mission–to steal an artifact that could awaken the god of shadows. With his power, they can manipulate rulers to enslave kingdoms, which threatens her sister’s life. [It also threatens kingdoms. But let's just worry about Sis.] 

As Dex grapples with her growing attachment to [the brutal mentor,] Caliban and her sister’s safety, she must navigate a treacherous path where every decision could be salvation or ruin. 

[This doesn't sound like a romance. The only hint of romance is that Dex has a growing attachment for her brutal Taliban mentor.]

Notes

Calling a character the brutal mentor Caliban is like in The Princess Bride where they called a guy the dread pirate Roberts. You could call him Caliban the Taliban, in which case he'd rhyme like the guy in the song "Ahab the Arab."

The following situation feels outlandish, but it seems to be the setup for your plot: Dex desperately wants to earn her sister's freedom from a brothel, but to do so she'll need to pay the brothel owner the weight in gold of a deadly assassin. She happens to encounter a deadly assassin, and picks his pocket, finding no gold, but finding a note with instructions on how to obtain the assassin's weight in gold. This must be Dex's lucky day.

I think I'd leave out the weight in gold plot point and start with something like:

Desperate to buy her sister's freedom from a brothel, seventeen-year-old Dex joins a guild of thieves. But her fellow thieves are after more than mere loot. They're out to steal an artifact that could awaken the god of shadows. With his power, they plan to manipulate rulers to enslave kingdoms. Which isn't exactly going to help Dex's sister.

Then you can tell us what her plan is, what specific obstacles she faces as she walks the treacherous path where every decision could be salvation or ruin.