Face-Lift 1467

Guess the Plot

Atomic Adventures

1. Never let it be said that atomic bombs can't be fun.

2. Nut (short for Nutrino) explores current quantum atomic theories in this introductory physics chapter book.

 3. The life story of Lucy, narrated by one of the atoms in her brain.

4. The story of how Barbie saved Oppenheimer from being a bigger bomb than Hiroshima.

5. Four siblings find an unexploded atom bomb in their backyard & turn it into a tourist attraction.

Original Version

Dear [Agent],

I am excited to present you with ATOMIC ADVENTURES, a genre-blending middle grade novel that contains elements of contemporary, historical, and science fiction. [No need to call it genre-blending if you're going to list the genres being blended.]  This book is narrated by a carbon atom named Diamond, and is for anyone who had hoped Disney's Elemental would be about the Periodic Table. [In short, it's for no one.]  [Does every atom have a name? Like helium atoms are named Balloon, Titanium atoms are named Sia, neon atoms are named Bar Sign, etc.?]  Like Karen Schwabach's Starting from Seneca Falls and Ruth Behar's Across So Many Seas, [both of which are narrated by water molecules,] it tells the story of two girls who continue to dream big despite the hardships they face. [Insert agent personalization here]. [Yes, let's add even more information before getting to the plot. This paragraph would be better toward the end of the letter.] [Also, Evil Editor does the brackets.] 

Diamond is one of the millions [trillions x trillions] of atoms making up Lucy's brain, where her thoughts, memories, and emotions are readily accessible. Right now, Lucy is feeling isolated. Over the course of a single week, Lucy is exiled from her friend group and diagnosed with Nonverbal Language Disorder. Now, she will have to attend a learning support class instead of going to Spanish with the rest of her peers. [Is Spanish the only class she'll miss? Are her Spanish class friends different from her friends group friends?] Things start to look up, however, when this new class brings her closer to the outgoing Amelia Thatcher. Suddenly, she begins to hope that she has found a friend who will lift her up instead of making her feel small.

Diamond knows Lucy will triumph, because she possesses the same indomitable spirit as her ancestor, Brigid Walsh. Diamond made up Brigid's matter while she was alive, and was able to witness how her whole life played out. Ultimately, Brigid found happiness thanks to her ability to find the light in the darkest of situations. To illustrate this, Diamond chooses to tell Lucy and Brigid's stories in alternating chapters. 

At the start of Brigid's story, she is journeying to America with her sister, Nora, in the wake of the Irish Potato Famine. The sisters will be working for the wealthy Walton family. Things go awry, however, when Nora falls in love with Richard Walton, and the two run away together. Brigid is left to endure unjust working conditions and discrimination against her heritage alone. Most haunting, is the question of why Nora would leave her without so much as a word. Brigid is determined to find out. [Just as I was thinking the two girls you mentioned in paragraph 1 were Lucy and Amelia Thatcher, Amelia disappears, and then Lucy also drops out, and Brigid becomes the star of the query. Maybe if you earlier said:  it tells the stories of two girls, born 170 years apart, who continue to dream big . . . . ] 

[Insert author bio + sign-off].

Notes

I don't see anything in the query that I'd call an adventure. There's Brigid's trip to America, but once there she endures unjust working conditions and discrimination. Presumably the stories Diamond tells about Brigid and Lucy are adventures? The title suggests something lighter than the description does.

This is supposedly the story of two girls who continue to dream big despite their hardships. The only goals I see are Lucy might find a new friend and Brigid might find out why Nora didn't tell her she was leaving her miserable oppressive job to be with the man she loved. Important to them, but not my idea of dreaming big. In fact, I'm starting to think I'd rather read Nora's story.

I don't get why this is narrated by an atom in Lucy's brain. Does the book start: My name is Diamond, and I'm a carbon atom . . . ? Does this bring a different perspective to the book than, say, Lucy finding or having passed down to her, Brigid's diaries, journals, letters, unpublished autobiography? 

The connection between Lucy's story and Brigid's seems tenuous. They both eventually, apparently, "find the light in the darkest of situations." But Brigid's dark situation is a miserable life of oppression and discrimination, while Lucy's is missing Spanish class. If they told me I couldn't go to Spanish class anymore, I'd be jumping for joy. 

Okay, I may have exaggerated the lack of connection. They may both have suffered discrimination, one because she was Irish and one because she has Nonverbal Language Disorder (although you don't say that was why Lucy was exiled from her friend group). I still think the query needs to include a stronger reason these two girls' stories belong in the same book. 

I can see how an atom in Brigid could be passed to Brigid's child at birth  (maybe) and from that person to their child etc., but you say Diamond witnessed how Brigid's whole life played out, so how did Diamond get from Brigid's dead body into future peoples' bodies?