Feedback Request

The author of the book featured in Face-Lift 1466 would like feedback on the following version of the query.

Dear (agent name)

Set in 1935, IT COMES ALL THE SAME is a 60,000-word mystery/ thriller that will appeal to readers who enjoyed the thriller and plot-twist elements of The Silent Patient by Alex Michaelides, the character perspectives of Notes on an Execution by Danya Kukafka, and the setting of The Black Cat Murders by Karen Baugh Menuhin. [So, you ditched one of your comp titles, added two new ones, and moved them from the end to the beginning. Move them back.] 

Private detectives Nicholai Veidectte and Frederick Morfin are hired by the grieving widow to solve the murder of Harrison Moore— owner of London’s leading steel manufacturing company— when he is [who was] found murdered in his study. Since [I'd go with "as" or "because" rather than "since."] the police failed to identify the attacker that cost her, [no comma] her unborn child two years ago, Mrs Moore doesn’t trust them to solve this case, and decides to call her old friend Nicholai first. To Nicholai, crime scenes are a tale told by someone who wants to be heard. To Frederick, they are simply the eruptions of disturbed minds. Four suspects, two detectives, and one victim, each representing a deadly sin. [In the previous version, everyone Moore ever knew wanted him dead. Apparently all but four of them have air-tight alibis?] 

Frederick and Nicholai race to solve the biggest case of their career before Scotland Yard beats them to it, but the more they uncover, the more they realise how truly twisted the details and the people surrounding this murder are. Through a series of flashbacks, suspects of the case reveal their stories and vendettas, and the dead man tells his tale, showing the man he was before his rise to power and fall from grace. Although Frederick and Nicholai understand their duty, they often find themselves wondering if a man as awful as Harrison Moore even deserves justice. 

Notes

The 2nd paragraph addresses some of the problems with the previous version. But the third paragraph is still vague. Specific examples of something they uncover, the twisted details and people, the suspects' stories would help. How did Moore wrong the four suspects? Does each suspect have a different motive? Instead of just telling us that the suspects and victim tell their stories, tell us their stories. Briefly, of course.

Face-Lift 1468

Guess the Plot

Broken Vows and Stolen Hearts

1. Valerie said she would give Surgeon Tim her heart forever. Years later, Tim needs a heart transplant, and insists Valerie honor her vow. When Valerie reneges, Tim has to hope she dies soon, even if it means helping her along.

2. Two nuns working at a Catholic hospital fall for each other while investigating a rogue organ-trafficking priest. But whose vows will be broken first?

3. A deadly assassin befriends a teenager and vows to not kill her if she'll help him and his buddies to awaken a god and take over the world. Romance ensues.

4. Maria and Joe vowed to do all that stuff people vow to do when they get married, but apparently Joe didn't take his vows seriously, because thanks to internet dating sites, he's having new affairs every week. Also thanks to the internet, Maria now knows which poison won't be detected in an autopsy, and where to get it.

5. Ellie bought a bag of those little candy hearts with messages on them to give out on Valentines Day. But her little brother Ernie stole them and ate them all, even though he promised not to. Third grade trials and tribulations are the worst.

Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Here's my query for an inspired Pride and Prejudice meets Assassin's Creed in BROKEN VOWS AND STOLEN HEARTS, a YA fantasy/romance:

When Dex, a seventeen-year-old thief, swipes a mysterious black note from a deadly assassin, she has to pinch herself. The note promises her weight in gold, enough to earn her sister’s freedom from the brothel. All she has to do is complete a delivery. [Why are you telling me what color the note is? Why is a thief stealing a note? Seems like money or other valuables would be more fruitful. Is the note a piece of black paper with writing on it? If so, wouldn't it be more convenient to choose a different color paper, one that ink will show up on? I guess whoever wrote the note had no ink or graphite, but lots of chalk. Also, if you're gonna rob someone, a deadly assassin should not be your first choice. Moving on to the 2nd sentence, does the note promise anyone their weight in gold, or specifically the assassin, or specifically Dex? If I steal a note promising the holder of the note their weight in gold, I'm getting someone who weighs 300 pounds to complete the task for a cut of the reward. Also, if I have hundreds of pounds of gold, and I need something delivered, I'm calling FedEx or UPS and keeping my gold. Also, any brothel owner would gladly free one of their workers for a lot less than Dex's weight in gold. 20 pounds of gold would do it.]

But when she’s framed for murder, Dex finds herself on the run, only to be caught by the assassin. [Does the assassin know she stole the note? Did the assassin commit the murder she was framed for?] Impressed she fulfilled the delivery, [She did? What did she deliver, to whom did she deliver it, and did she get her weight in gold?] he gives her two choices: join their ranks or die. [I would call that one choice.] Terrified of failing her sister and that he’ll learn the truth, [What truth?] she agrees to train under the brutal mentor, Caliban. [If this is set in Afghanistan, and the brutal mentor Caliban is a Taliban, you've got a winner.] There she learns of a high-stakes mission–to steal an artifact that could awaken the god of shadows. With his power, they can manipulate rulers to enslave kingdoms, which threatens her sister’s life. [It also threatens kingdoms. But let's just worry about Sis.] 

As Dex grapples with her growing attachment to [the brutal mentor,] Caliban and her sister’s safety, she must navigate a treacherous path where every decision could be salvation or ruin. 

[This doesn't sound like a romance. The only hint of romance is that Dex has a growing attachment for her brutal Taliban mentor.]

Notes

Calling a character the brutal mentor Caliban is like in The Princess Bride where they called a guy the dread pirate Roberts. You could call him Caliban the Taliban, in which case he'd rhyme like the guy in the song "Ahab the Arab."

The following situation feels outlandish, but it seems to be the setup for your plot: Dex desperately wants to earn her sister's freedom from a brothel, but to do so she'll need to pay the brothel owner the weight in gold of a deadly assassin. She happens to encounter a deadly assassin, and picks his pocket, finding no gold, but finding a note with instructions on how to obtain the assassin's weight in gold. This must be Dex's lucky day.

I think I'd leave out the weight in gold plot point and start with something like:

Desperate to buy her sister's freedom from a brothel, seventeen-year-old Dex joins a guild of thieves. But her fellow thieves are after more than mere loot. They're out to steal an artifact that could awaken the god of shadows. With his power, they plan to manipulate rulers to enslave kingdoms. Which isn't exactly going to help Dex's sister.

Then you can tell us what her plan is, what specific obstacles she faces as she walks the treacherous path where every decision could be salvation or ruin.

Feedback Request

 The query most recently posted here has a new version.

17-year-old Dulani is the last man standing between his town and the Masques, soul-reaping creatures borne from mythology. He's not expecting backup either—for some reason, only he can see, hear, and kill these things. After losing close friends to them, he's far more focused on seeing his "job" as guardian through. But when a Masque almost kills his classmate, he decides to learn how to end their threat for good. 

 

Following a Masque back into its home realm, Dulani sneaks around locations from legend in search of answers. He soon finds one—along with something startling: past victims, like his friends, aren’t dead. Their still living souls are trapped in pillars weakening the cage around an even worse threat. A god who commands the Masques is one step away from breaking free so it can cross into Earth and subjugate humanity.  

Dulani, to his horror, is that missing piece. His magic, his powers, all came from this god so his soul could get strong from his job and open the cage once delivered. Dulani wants to destroy the pillars, which will rescue the souls and lock the realm forever, but as powerful Masques begin a manhunt for him, the risk grows sky-high. He’ll have to choose: fight and save countless lives, or run before he endangers just as many. 

 

MEMORANDUM (90,000 words) is a YA contemporary fantasy standalone with series potential. It combines the otherworldly danger in L.L. McKinney’s Nightmare-Verse trilogy, youths wrestling with grief and responsibility in Kamilah Cole’s SO LET THEM BURN, and the hurting hero of BLOOD AT THE ROOT by LaDarrion Williams. 

 

[Bio] 

Notes

This is much better. I'm not that clear on how the pillars are weakening the cage or how Dulani knows destroying the pillars will rescue his friends rather than destroy their souls. Maybe:

His magic, his powers, all came from this god, and every Masque he kills only brings the god  closer to escaping the cage.

The decision still seems lose / lose.  He can fight and kill Masques, eventually leading to humanity's subjugation, or he can run and the Masques will go back to killing people in his town. The latter seems better, as the Masques don't seem to be killing people all over the planet, just in Dulani's neighborhood. What he really needs to do is capture all the Masques and imprison them in the cage with the god.

Face-Lift 1467

Guess the Plot

Atomic Adventures

1. Never let it be said that atomic bombs can't be fun.

2. Nut (short for Nutrino) explores current quantum atomic theories in this introductory physics chapter book.

 3. The life story of Lucy, narrated by one of the atoms in her brain.

4. The story of how Barbie saved Oppenheimer from being a bigger bomb than Hiroshima.

5. Four siblings find an unexploded atom bomb in their backyard & turn it into a tourist attraction.

Original Version

Dear [Agent],

I am excited to present you with ATOMIC ADVENTURES, a genre-blending middle grade novel that contains elements of contemporary, historical, and science fiction. [No need to call it genre-blending if you're going to list the genres being blended.]  This book is narrated by a carbon atom named Diamond, and is for anyone who had hoped Disney's Elemental would be about the Periodic Table. [In short, it's for no one.]  [Does every atom have a name? Like helium atoms are named Balloon, Titanium atoms are named Sia, neon atoms are named Bar Sign, etc.?]  Like Karen Schwabach's Starting from Seneca Falls and Ruth Behar's Across So Many Seas, [both of which are narrated by water molecules,] it tells the story of two girls who continue to dream big despite the hardships they face. [Insert agent personalization here]. [Yes, let's add even more information before getting to the plot. This paragraph would be better toward the end of the letter.] [Also, Evil Editor does the brackets.] 

Diamond is one of the millions [trillions x trillions] of atoms making up Lucy's brain, where her thoughts, memories, and emotions are readily accessible. Right now, Lucy is feeling isolated. Over the course of a single week, Lucy is exiled from her friend group and diagnosed with Nonverbal Language Disorder. Now, she will have to attend a learning support class instead of going to Spanish with the rest of her peers. [Is Spanish the only class she'll miss? Are her Spanish class friends different from her friends group friends?] Things start to look up, however, when this new class brings her closer to the outgoing Amelia Thatcher. Suddenly, she begins to hope that she has found a friend who will lift her up instead of making her feel small.

Diamond knows Lucy will triumph, because she possesses the same indomitable spirit as her ancestor, Brigid Walsh. Diamond made up Brigid's matter while she was alive, and was able to witness how her whole life played out. Ultimately, Brigid found happiness thanks to her ability to find the light in the darkest of situations. To illustrate this, Diamond chooses to tell Lucy and Brigid's stories in alternating chapters. 

At the start of Brigid's story, she is journeying to America with her sister, Nora, in the wake of the Irish Potato Famine. The sisters will be working for the wealthy Walton family. Things go awry, however, when Nora falls in love with Richard Walton, and the two run away together. Brigid is left to endure unjust working conditions and discrimination against her heritage alone. Most haunting, is the question of why Nora would leave her without so much as a word. Brigid is determined to find out. [Just as I was thinking the two girls you mentioned in paragraph 1 were Lucy and Amelia Thatcher, Amelia disappears, and then Lucy also drops out, and Brigid becomes the star of the query. Maybe if you earlier said:  it tells the stories of two girls, born 170 years apart, who continue to dream big . . . . ] 

[Insert author bio + sign-off].

Notes

I don't see anything in the query that I'd call an adventure. There's Brigid's trip to America, but once there she endures unjust working conditions and discrimination. Presumably the stories Diamond tells about Brigid and Lucy are adventures? The title suggests something lighter than the description does.

This is supposedly the story of two girls who continue to dream big despite their hardships. The only goals I see are Lucy might find a new friend and Brigid might find out why Nora didn't tell her she was leaving her miserable oppressive job to be with the man she loved. Important to them, but not my idea of dreaming big. In fact, I'm starting to think I'd rather read Nora's story.

I don't get why this is narrated by an atom in Lucy's brain. Does the book start: My name is Diamond, and I'm a carbon atom . . . ? Does this bring a different perspective to the book than, say, Lucy finding or having passed down to her, Brigid's diaries, journals, letters, unpublished autobiography? 

The connection between Lucy's story and Brigid's seems tenuous. They both eventually, apparently, "find the light in the darkest of situations." But Brigid's dark situation is a miserable life of oppression and discrimination, while Lucy's is missing Spanish class. If they told me I couldn't go to Spanish class anymore, I'd be jumping for joy. 

Okay, I may have exaggerated the lack of connection. They may both have suffered discrimination, one because she was Irish and one because she has Nonverbal Language Disorder (although you don't say that was why Lucy was exiled from her friend group). I still think the query needs to include a stronger reason these two girls' stories belong in the same book. 

I can see how an atom in Brigid could be passed to Brigid's child at birth  (maybe) and from that person to their child etc., but you say Diamond witnessed how Brigid's whole life played out, so how did Diamond get from Brigid's dead body into future peoples' bodies?

Feedback Request

The author of the book featured in Face-Lift 1456  would like feedback on the following version of the query:

MEMORANDUM (90,000 words) is a YA contemporary fantasy standalone with series potential following underprivileged POVs. [Not sure what following underprivileged POVs involves. In any case, POV usually comes in 1st  person, second person, omniscient, or a combination of those, and I doubt the recipient of this letter cares which one you use, even if it's a brand new one like underprivileged.] It combines the otherworldly danger in L.L. McKinney’s Nightmare-Verse trilogy, youths wrestling with grief and responsibility in Kamilah Cole’s SO LET THEM BURN, and the hurting hero of BLOOD AT THE ROOT by LaDarrion Williams. [Some people will never have heard of these books or authors (Evil Editor, for instance), so it's best to place this toward the end of the query, after you've hooked us with your intriguing plot summary.]

 

17-year-old Dulani works the world’s most thankless job. All myths are real, manifesting as soul-reaping monsters called Masques that he hunts. [After that first sentence, I expect you to name the job immediately. As in: 17-year-old Dulani works the world’s most thankless job: hunting and killing soul-reaping monsters called Masques.] It's rough being the town guardian, especially when nobody but him has the power to see, hear, and kill Masques. A broken home takes enough energy already, but the last time Dulani ignored a call to duty, he lost close classmates. And if there’s one thing he hates more than stress, it’s guilt, so he sucks it up and keeps his town safe.

[If no one else can see or hear Masques, how can anyone call Dulani to duty before it's too late?] 

 

But, he likes peace and quiet more, so Dulani decides to invade the Masque’s [Masques'] home realm and see how to end their threat for good. While dodging death and combing [searching?] locations from legend, Dulani uncovers something startling: past victims, like his classmates, didn’t die. 

 

Worse happened. A god who commands the Masques is gathering living souls so it can cross into Earth and subjugate humanity. [Are his classmates alive, or not? Can he recruit them?] Dulani, whose powers came from this god so his soul can be strengthened by his hunting job, is the missing piece. If he doesn’t escape, he hands [this god] the keys to an apocalypse on a silver platter. But running home changes little—Masques will keep reaping, and he’s just one guy who can and will screw up again. Dulani must choose: fight like always and play into enemy hands, or save his skin knowing others will suffer for eternity. [What kind of choice is that? Lose / lose?]

 

Like Dulani, I’m Black, and I channel my experiences with “othering” into his and the cast’s stories. As a Research Assistant with a MS in Engineering, I find new solutions to strange problems while shouldering a lot of responsibility—just like the heroes of this story. 

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. 

---

Questions:

1. I know "subjugate humanity" is vague, but I'm not sure how to condense/convey "wants to 'improve' humanity by forcing them to be guinea pigs with Masques as enforcers" without bloating the word count.
2. If "cross into Earth" is too vague, I originally had "to fully break the barrier over Earth." Would that be better? Or a combo of both?
3. Should I add another narrative escalator in Paragraph 2 or are the stakes fine as is?

I have no problem with subjugate humanity or cross into Earth. Or your quantity of narrative escalators, whatever those are. You may be worrying about the wrong things. 

Notes

Is Dulani's job the world's most thankless because no one knows he does it, even after a Masque is killed? Is it really a job if he doesn't get paid? 

How does a 17-year-old kid manage to kill even one god/monster? Does he have super powers or a magical weapon? 

I'm not sure why Dulani  can invade the Masques' realm, but the god can't cross to Earth.

All myths are real, meaning Aphrodite and Mercury and Thor and . . . Paul Bunyan are Masques? What about Aquaman and Silver Surfer? All Masques?

Your first plot paragraph could be something like:

17-year-old Dulani is the only person with the power to see, hear, and kill "Masques," soul-reaping monsters borne from mythology. It's not a task he wants, but he's lost close classmates to the Masques, so he sucks it up and keeps his town safe. When the Masques threaten to overwhelm the town, Dulani decides to invade their home realm and end their threat for good.

That leaves plenty of room to tell us what his specific plan is, making it clear that there's hope of success, because right now it sounds like we're all doomed to be subjugated eventually. 

Face--Lift 1466

Guess the Plot

It Comes All the Same

1. It Comes All the Same. IT COMES ALL THE SAME. it comes all the same. iT cOmEs AlL tHe SaMe.

2. Death and Taxes. Taxes and Death.

3. Nigel Ellis has a deal with Death: as long as he fills quotas as a grim reaper, he doesn't have to die. The catch? He can't mess with anyone's fates, as in he can only collect souls from people who are dying on their own. And he has to beat out every other grim reaper who made the same deal he did.

4. Harrison Moore was one of the richest men in the world. Now he's dead. Who had a motive? Actually, pretty much every person he ever knew.

5. Death and Time have been playing chess for as long as there has been life. But now the game has been interrupted. Do they restart the game or do they continue as is? Jordan sure would like to know, because last he remembers he is supposed to be dead.

Original Version

Dear (agent),

The devil comes in many forms, and Harrison Moore is [Was?] one of them. 

Set in 1930’s London, It Comes All the Same [Italicize title] is a 60k word mystery/ thriller told from multiple first-person points of view. When private detectives Nicholai Veidectte and Frederick Morfin are called in to solve the murder of Harrison Moore— one of the richest men in the country— they quickly discover this won’t be an easy solve. [Whattaya mean, "called in"? Hired?] Harrison Moore was not a man of few enemies, [Or, was a man of many enemies.] and when almost everyone in your life wants you dead, bringing your killer to justice won’t be easy. [Bringing your killer to justice is never easy, unless you're a zombie.] And to make matters worse, Nicholai and Frederick have three days to solve one of the biggest cases of their career, or the case goes to Scotland Yard. [Was that a Scotland Yard rule in the 1930's? We don't take any case until it's stumped all the private detectives for three days.?] The suspects are as follows: the wife, the sister-in-law, the maid, and the competition. [Who are the competition? The other richest men in the country? How did he make all that money?] But does a man as awful as Harrison Moore really deserve justice? Afterall, [two words] you don’t get to where he did without picking up a few skeletons along the way. [I'm not sure picking up skeletons is an idiom. Having skeletons in your closet is, but those skeletons, I believe, are secrets you wouldn't want revealed. Also, you've said he had many enemies, that everyone wanted him dead, and that he'd picked up a few skeletons made a few enemies  along the way, all of which say about the same thing. Plus, the phrase a "few" enemies seems like a massive understatement if almost everyone in his life wanted him dead.]

Our protagonist, Frederick Morfin, walks us through the case as him [he] and his partner, Nicholai, uncover the details of the murder. Our suspects provide flashbacks from their points of view, revealing their stories and vendettas, and of course, our dead man tells his tale, showing the kind of man he was before his rise to power and fall from grace. 

It Comes All the Same will appeal to readers who enjoyed the mystery and plot-twist elements of The Silent Patient by Alex Michaelides, and the voice and character perspectives of I Eat Men Like Air by Alice Berman. [Italicize book titles] This book also resonates with the song The Fruits [Quotation marks around song titles] by Paris Paloma [Actually, I was thinking the book resonates with the song "You're So Vague," by Queens of the Stone Age.]  and is the song I often imagine playing at the last page of the book. [No need to imagine it;  just write it onto the last page.] [The song a book resonates with, whatever that means, is not useful information to include in a query.] This book also raises the very important question of how far people would go for love, and can murder be justified? [Does it also answer the questions?]

Notes

Useful information to include in a query: specific details about what happens. Here's what we know: Some unknown entity calls in two private detectives to solve the murder of some man who was rich and hated by everyone. One of the multiple narrators walks us through the case. Suspects provide flashbacks. We learn stuff about the dead guy's life. That's all vague. What is the detectives' plan of action to solve the case? Why are the particular suspects you mention considered suspects? Presumably we learn the answer in their flashbacks? Give us some specific examples of what Moore did to a couple suspects.

If this murder can be justified, I'm wondering why we should care whodunnit.