The author of the book whose query appeared in Face-Lift 1439 would like feedback on the following revision of the plot summary.
Eighteen-year-old Harlow is the last corrupted human alive. She's managed to contain the curse within her, but a single touch will spread dark magic and turn anyone into ash. [That "but" doesn't feel right. It should be followed (as it is in the original) by "her strength is slipping." This might work a bit better:
Eighteen-year-old Harlow is the last corrupted human alive. Thanks to the curse within her, a single touch will spread dark magic and turn anyone to ash. So far, she's managed to contain the curse. But her strength is slipping.]
When her older brother, Len, is accused of stealing an ancient relic, he mysteriously disappears. Branded as his accomplice, Harlow tries to run, but her secret is revealed when she turns the queen's soldiers into dust. Desperate to flee [escape] execution, she escapes [flees] with the help of an assassin who takes her into a secret society. [I don't think you take someone into a society. He leads her to the lair/hideaway/headquarters of his secret society.] His leader explains the [her] curse is a gift. It has the ability to find corrupted objects like the one Len stole. He'll let her go if she recovers it, and might even tell her how to remove the curse.
Caught between the queen's executioner and other fierce enemies, she has no choice but to trust the assassin. As their uneasy alliance forges an undeniable spark, Harlow discovers the relic's true purpose: a power that devours all light. [Not sure what that means. All light everywhere? Permanently? Why would anyone want to do that? Does Len know what it does?] [In any case, I would say its power is to devour all light, rather than its purpose is the power...] Now, she faces an impossible choice to save the kingdom, save Len, or save herself. That's if the curse doesn't consume her first. [It's gonna be hard to save anybody if Len accidentally causes the relic to consume all light.]
Notes
Does Harlow have to physically touch a person to turn them to ash? If so, how many soldiers does she have to kill before the rest of them smarten up and start shooting arrows or other projectiles at her?
How does she discover the relic's power?
This is an improvement, but I'm still finding myself asking a few questions you may or may not have room to answer. If you can't answer them here, try to prevent them from coming up.
2 comments:
Hey author, a few other suggestions:
When her older brother.... -> *After* her older brother....
Unless the disappearance is someone yelling "thief" and him going poof. Although, I'd suggest rephrasing anyways.
Why are the secret society people certain her brother stole the object? If there's proof you might want to remove the "accused of" phrase. Or explain why/what they know that the queen's guards don't.
I'm assuming her curse isn't acting on its own. If that's the case, you might want to rephrase as "it giver her the ability to find" or something similar.
"he'll let her go".... At what point does she become a prisoner of the secret society? And how is she supposed to recover anything if she is a prisoner?
Who are the other fierce enemies? If they're worth mentioning, it's probably worth being more specific.
Why are her eventual choices mutually exclusive?
hope this helps
good luck
This sounds really imaginative and interesting! But I think it needs a stronger, clearer storyline. Also, why would Harlow want to save a kingdom of corrupt people? Maybe her goal could be to find the relic and escape the corrupt kingdom, then give her brother a knuckle sandwich.
Here are some story beats I’m seeing that I think could really help everything gel and be more exciting. I’m also not getting a sense of the world or time period from this query. This sounds like (post-apocalyptic?) fantasy, and world-building is an integral part of that genre.
Story beats:
Eighteen-year-old Harlow is the last corrupted human alive, but her strength is slipping.
When her older brother is accused of stealing a valuable relic, Harlow is named an accomplice.
Harlow faces execution when her brother disappears.
Harlow is able to escape the queen’s soldiers with the help of an assassin from a secret society who wants to use Harlow’s curse/gift to find the valuable relic her brother stole.
The secret society wants this valuable relic and they’ll do whatever it takes to find it.
Harlow must find her brother before the secret society does while hiding from the executioner/the queen’s army.
Harlow must also keep the secret society from achieving ultimate power by keeping the relic away from them.
And it doesn’t help that Harlow is attracted to the hot assassin!
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