Face-Lift 1439

 

Guess the Plot

Dreams of Dark Sands

1. Dark Sands, a brooding high school student by day, apprentice to the Grim Reaper by night, dreams of a time when he can be released from the pact that ties him to his master and follow his true calling of interior design.

2. Betsy Nodd bought an unusual antique hourglass in Japan before heading home for the states. Now she must hunt dream-eating badgers through a land of nightmares before the sands run out. Every single %$#% night.

3. Dilah visits an oracle regarding a reoccurring dream of dark sand. This kicks off events involving volcanoes, princes, and a lot of sheep. Dilah just wants a good night sleep.

4. Unfortunately, Harlow has been cursed. Fortunately, there's a cure. Unfortunately, the person with the cure is an assassin. Fortunately, the assassin won't kill Harlow if she gets him an ancient relic, previously thought to have been lost in the sands of time. Unfortunately, there's no way she can get that relic. Fortunately, the assassin has fallen in love with her, so he probably won't kill her.

5. Carstairs has insomnia. He tried counting sheep, but there are only so many sheep in Hawaii, and he's always still awake when the last sheep jumps over the fence. But there one thing there's plenty of in Hawaii. Wet sand. If he counts grains of sand, he just might finally doze off.

6. To sleep, perchance to dream. So says Hamlet, but what he was hoping was to dream about Ophelia, preferably naked Ophelia. Instead he dreams about sand. Sand? WTF? Letdown.

Original Version

Dear agent,

Harlow is the last cursed human alive.

The Corruption, the black wall created during an ancient war, taints magic. [Not clear what that sentence has to do with the previous sentence or the following sentences. Or what it means.] Like a plague, Harlow was cursed simply because she was born. [I don't see how being cursed because you were born is like a plague.] Her older brother, Len, underestimates her ability to control the curse and she’s learned to be strong enough to contain it. But her strength is slipping.

When Len is accused of stealing and treason, Harlow is imprisoned. She doesn’t understand [know?] what he stole or why he’s thought to be serving the banished prince, but her secret is discovered. [What is her secret? That she's cursed?]

So far, this is all over the place. Here's a possible rewrite of what we have so far:

Harlow is the last cursed human alive.  So far, she’s been strong enough to contain the curse, which. . . [does what? prevents her from . . . ? forces her to . . . ?] But her strength is slipping. 

When her older brother, Len, is accused of theft  and treason, Harlow is imprisoned.]

In her attempt to escape, an assassin saves her life. He’s willing to let her go, but for a price. If she retrieves the ancient relic Len stole, he’ll give her a cure. [For the curse? If there's only one human alive with the curse, why would this assassin be carrying around a cure for it? On the off chance he'll encounter this last human, and she'll have access to an ancient relic he wants? Why doesn't he try to get the relic from Len instead of Harlow?] [First, his half of the bargain was that he'd let her go, while her half of the bargain was getting him the relic. One sentence later, her half is still the relic, but his is removing her curse. Who's got the leverage here?]

Harlow must learn to harness her cursed power [What is this power? Has she ever tried to harness it before now? Is it better to harness the power of your curse, or to not be cursed?] to find Len and prove their innocence. [If Len has the relic, he's not exactly innocent. If he doesn't have it, maybe we should focus on the treason and forget the relic, at least in the query.] As she journeys, [Where is she journeying to? Is she looking for Len?] she learns the ancient war is still happening [Ah, so this is the Middle East.] [That explains the sand in the title.] and the banished prince is hunting her. [Why?] She has no choice but to work with her unlikely new ally. As their uneasy alliance forges an undeniable spark, she learns the assassin is actually a soldier named Velho, [She learns this how?] and is not what he seems. [If you mean he's a soldier and not the assassin he seemed to be, you just told us that.] There are also clear signs Len hasn’t been truthful about her curse. [What did Len say about her curse?]

Balancing on a knife's edge, Harlow will have to decide who’s lying, finding the relic, or risk a cure to rescue her brother.  [Rescue him from what? Is he imprisoned?] [That sentence needs to be cleaned up so it makes sense.]

I’m writing to seek representation for my novel DREAMS OF DARK SANDS, a YA fantasy romance complete at 100,000 words. It starts with action (The Prison Healer by Lynette Noni) and then grows into a tangled web of delicious deceptions (A Curse So Dark and Lonely by Brigid Kemmerer). I graduated from BYUI in Professional Writing and have worked in content marketing for over 12 years. [I Googled "content marketing" and read the first three explanations of what it is, and I still have no idea what it is.] [That said, if you want to market the content of my blog without me having to do anything except cash the checks, call me.] I live in Utah and am an active member of the League of Utah Writers critique group. 

Thank you for your time and consideration,

Notes

Start over. Organize the plot summary into three paragraphs.

P1: Who's the main character, what's her current situation, what's her ultimate goal?

P2: What's her plan to achieve her goal, what's her main obstacle?

P3: What crucial decision must she make, and what will happen if she fails/succeeds?

We need to know what the curse does, and if you're gonna bring up the banished prince, you might tell us what he wants from Harlow.

Len commits treason, so Harlow gets imprisoned.  Velho wants the relic Len stole, so he goes to Harlow. Velho claims to be an assassin, and refuses to cure her unless she does what he wants. So of course she falls for him. I'm sure it's all reasonable in the book.

Presumably Velho was pretending not to be a soldier so he could trick Harlow into getting him the relic. Why he chose assassin as his disguise isn't clear. But it didn't keep her from falling in love with him, and him with her, so All's well . . . .