Face-Lift 1383

Guess the Plot

Heil Safari

1. When Diedrich Heil is sent to an adventure camp for troubled teens, he's hoping to hike to the nearest town and spend the summer busking. The problem: the camp is in the middle of Africa, 200 miles from civilization, and his singing tends to attract hostile wildlife.

2. Being a German prisoner in an American POW camp in WWII is bad enough, but when you also suffer from wire enclosure fever, can your fellow POWs trust you to build a tunnel under the barbed wire and lead them to freedom across the Mexican border?

3. Hijinks ensue when a group of Hitler Youth are sent to Africa to "toughen up" for a possible war. What with rampaging rhinos, bloodthirsty lions and territorial baboons, most of the 13-year-old kids won't survive to see combat. But it's all sooo much fun, who cares? 

4. Is Hitler alive and well in Argentina? Most people would say NO, but Sheldon Davis, grandson of Holocaust survivors and Moche culture specialist, is pretty sure he knows where Der Fuhrer is hiding. All he needs is a GoFundMe, some new phones to trade with the locals, a couple of mercenaries, and he'll be in business. If only he wasn't 12 years old.

5. Join Viktor on a guilt trip through polluted deserts, deforested jungles, a museum of endangered and extinct species, and a general wail about human ineptitude. Then, send him money. 

6. A documentary journal of a legion of Nazis sent to hunt rare animals. By the end, they all die (the Nazis that is).

7. A big game hunt gone wrong on the planet Heil VI leads to a missing heiress, a miraculous vaccine, and a spy working for so many sides he doesn't care anymore. Thankfully, Monty is on hand to tame the devils of Hell, er Heil, laser pistol-bullwhip style. Also, genetic manipulation gone horribly wrong. 

8. Did you know there are dangerous things like boar, stags, and wolves in Germany? Colin didn't either, and that's why he's now struggling to stay alive after his school's German club trip goes disastrously wrong. Also, an ancient Nazi hermit.

9.  1887. Helmut Schmeir, archaeologist and hunter, leads a dedicated group of scientists across German East Africa in search of the elusive Ogopogo, a living apatosaurus. With a love triangle between Schmeir, lovely Ingrid Braun, and Dr. Ludwig Meyer. 


Original Version

German officer Captain Martin Beyer is desperate to escape from an American prisoner of war camp. To get out, he and other prisoners are digging a tunnel under the barbed wire fence. Beyer's concern for its success is not only that the Americans might find it, but can it be finished by the engineer in charge, a mentally unstable officer on the verge of suicide from wire enclosure fever. [On the bright side, the barbed wire is above ground and the tunnel is underground.] 

Beyer is worried that his close friend, the engineer, may not complete the project of digging out for another reason. The engineer is in opposition to the fanatical Nazis who rule the camp inside, the Nazis regarding him as unpatriotic. They want him dead. They don't care if it jeopardizes the escape. [We don't mind escaping from this prison, but we refuse to escape through a tunnel built by someone we feel is insufficiently patriotic.] But Beyer can't allow failure. Being too long cooped in the enclosure, he's becoming unhinged. 

He must get out or die.

Through sheer determination and effort, and just as the Americans are about to discover the tunnel, Beyer manages the escape. [Typical officer, takes all the credit after doing none of the work.] On the outside they are met by Heidi Zimmermann, a German-American female relative of one of the escapees. She provides the initial transportation to the Mexican border. In pursuit to recapture the prisoners before they get there are camp guards and FBI agents. [Imagine, there was a time when the US tried to prevent people from crossing the border  into Mexico.] Beyer has trouble eluding them, but he will not give up. He would rather be killed than go back. ["The spectacular views of the mountains are nice, but they keep feeding us those damn Rocky Mountain oysters."] [How many escapees are there? Does Heidi have a bus? It wouldn't be hard to recapture escapees if they were on a 700-mile bus trip.]

It remains little known that during World War II there were over 360,000 German POWs interned in the United States. [450,000 according to Wikipedia.] My story is based on the true event that at Camp Trinidad, Colorado, prisoners escaped through a tunnel. [Camp Trinidad opened in 1943, and while I would become unhinged after two weeks in a POW camp, it seems like a professional soldier ought to be able to handle it for a few years.]

HEIL SAFARI is a 90,000 word thriller novel that is told from three points of view: the German prisoners, the American guards, and the FBI agents. I've had articles and short stories published in magazines, and I have a bachelor's degree in philosophy from a state university. Thank you for your time ans [and] consideration. Below I've included the first 10 pages. 


Notes

As these POW camps in the US remain little-known, it might be better to mention them up front. Otherwise the mention of the Mexican border may give readers who thought the setting was somewhere in Europe the impression this is alternate history in which WWII was fought on US soil.

Feedback Request

I failed to notice that this was a rewrite of an earlier query submission, and placed the title in the query queue. So you get to read some more fake plots for Adore. Most recently the title was seen here.



1. A literary novel about the symbiotic relationship between Maureen Montgomery and her 47 cats, all living in a Brooklyn apartment.

2. When a singer at a local Italian restaurant and theater goes silent mid-note during one of his late night practice sessions, 68-year-old next door neighbor Mac Fach (who's been complaining about the place for years) must find the killer, since between dementia and a bloody ax, he suspects it might be him. 

3. When spokesmodel for fragrance Adore La Alina turns up dead in a hotel swimming pool, homicide detective Zack Martinez knows two things. One, that arrow through her head probably didn't drown her, and two, maybe his wife would like to try some Adore perfume instead of Chanel.

4. Jimmy has discovered a thousand guaranteed methods to pick up girls and wrote them down in a book. Only now that book has gone missing. Can he still woo the girl that has captured his heart this time, or will his faulty memory be his downfall? 

5. Casey thought Grummon loved her. "You are adore," he said, and she thought that was cute, in an English-isn't-my-first-language sort of way. Turns out he was saying "You are a door," in a human-soul-as-gateway-to-another-dimension sort of way. Crap. Now instead of people walking all over her, she has people (and other creatures) walking right through her. Worst of all, she thinks she might be pregnant. 

Dear Evil Editor,

Fourteen year old Liz Morton is so weak she can barely hold her recess apple let alone chew it. [No need to tell us it's her recess apple, unless she has no trouble holding non-recess apples.] Something is deeply wrong. Liz follows her intuition to secluded Spraggs Road, searching the forest for a cure to her exhaustion and spots Nathaniel Tillack at night fall. [She's too weak to hold an apple, but she can search a forest?] 

She met him the night before. She remembers that. Now. [I would go with: She remembers that . . . now.] Shocked at the holes in her memory, Liz opens up to him, sensing he has answers. Nat says he knows exactly how she feels. 'Empathy', apparently, is a sixth sense Liz doesn’t realize she possesses.  Nat is a vampire and his preternatural torment ( including his self-imposed starvation ) is stuck inside her and will kill her within weeks.

 Nat thinks they can solve the problem with a little experimentation. Liz stays with Nat, his dutch painter friend Yvonne and their freaky half-vampire cat at their cottage, so they can go on a midnight hunt. When Nat drinks blood from a victim, Liz feels instant relief. Just like Nat. He insists this insight has broken [means] the empathic connection [is broken] , and takes her home.

Only growing sicker, Liz can’t find Nat [Has she looked in his coffin?] and no doctor believes she’s ill. [She's too weak to hold an apple, yet multiple doctors say there's nothing wrong with her? Are her parents involved in trying to find out what's wrong with her?] With her last reserves of energy, she returns to Spraggs Road, but Nat's enemy is there. Wild eyed Isaskia explains Nat is just using Liz as a walking [living?] storage vessel for his 'Permanent Feeling' (the feeling that will haunt him for all eternity due to how the moment he died affected him.) [That's a wordy and vague explanation for "Permanent Feeling," which is also vague. I'd just say a living storage vessel for his anguish.] [Why is Isaskia there? If I'm the enemy of a vampire, I'm staying as far from his home as possible, not hanging out there. Is Isaskia also a vampire?]

 Liz doesn't know whom to trust: Nat, who has always been kind, or Isaskia, who is willing to share all those secrets Nat keeps close to his chest. One thing is certain, with her body thinking it's a starving vampire, the one person Liz cannot trust for anything is herself—and she is running out of time.

 ADORE, at 94,000-words, is a YA urban Fantasy novel set in a small mountain town in Australia. ( It's not a romance, despite title ) 

Thank you for your time and consideration, 


Notes

She suddenly remembers that she met this guy who's a vampire the night before she became impossibly weak, a vampire with whom she now has an empathic connection, and she can't decide whether to trust him? She needs to trust neither of them and check into a hospital for a full battery of tests.

This isn't doing it for me. Maybe start something like: After a night she can barely remember, 14-year-old Liz Morton is as weak as a kitten. She returns to secluded Spraggs Road, hoping to find a clue to her condition, and spots Nathaniel Tillack. Him she remembers. She senses that he has the answers she seeks.

Then Nat claims her exhaustion is caused by their empathy, which he can remedy.

Then Isaskia shows up and claims her exhaustion is caused by Nat, who's using her as a vessel for his anguish.

Face-Lift 1382

Guess the Plot

The Blade and the Bow

1. She has a short blade. He has a longbow. Together they must find the only key that separates two worlds, but the key is held by the brutal magpie who rules Katoomba, so forget it.

2. Raised by a single Elf mother, Rachisa learns to be tough and strong to defend the family. One night she has a visionary dream about her father, and goes on a journey to find him and since you're probably bored out of your mind by now, don't worry, she gets abducted by aliens from Tau Seti and turned into a velkron trainer.

3. One single blade of grass from the fabled Lawn of Dreams, or a thin strand of silk that was once tied into a bow to hold King Rockthorn's pony-tail. Alain, the chosen one, must select his weapon wisely. The blade or the bow? Of course, he is up against a barbarian horde with a dragon and a dark wizard, so he's pretty much screwed, either way. 

4. Elmer Humbrin was taught to always be respectful to the one he duels (and with a name like that, dueling is a common occurrence). Join him as he bows, genuflects, curtsies, bends the knee, kowtows, prostrates himself, and generally cuts every single opponent to ribbons. Yes, it's a serial killer novel. 

5. Orphaned in a mysterious oxcart explosion, peasant lad Ima Trope is raised by Orcs to become a warrior -- but Ima's love of ornamental candles cannot be crushed. When the Orc kingdom of Gru'Kak'Qtlstrk is threatened by Elves, can Ima's stunning table arrangements save the day, win over the Orc princess, and restore grace to Orcish mealtimes? 

6. The Blade is sharp. The bow-tie, crooked. Peter Wells-Larkin’s adoptive father (the Principal) informs Peter he’s leaving him out of his will. Months earlier Mr. Wells-Larkin Sr. discovered he has a biological son and everything’s going to him. But that's ok, if there's one thing Peter has, it's an alibi. 

7. Running a blacksmith shop has been difficult since Tin's father died, but it is the only thing keeping her family afloat. Yet when a ranger from beyond the mountains literally crashes into her shop, she must take up the blade to defend her home. 

8. The unlikely love affair between Priscilla, an itinerant knife-sharpener, and shoe-store clerk Oswald, he of buck teeth, suspenders and chronically-crooked bow tie, plays out in a series of quotidian events of little interest to anyone, including themselves. With that title, you were expecting an exciting tale of romance and derring-do set in the days when knighthood was in flower, weren't you? 

Original Version

Dear [Agent]:

Two hundred years after the world ended in ice, humanity endures in the sealed high-tech shelter of the Jenolan Caves, bound by the sacred duty of reproduction – a duty Tag Tailor is desperate to avoid. She hopes to be chosen as a Keeper: to lead, not breed. But it’s tough to make a good impression under the shadow of her disgraced ex-Breeder sister Sale, who clings to delusions of a livable world beyond Jenolan. When Tag is assigned as a Breeder to Sale’s insufferable former husband, she turns to Sale for help, but their disastrous escape attempt ends with Tag banished to the Waste, and Sale left behind.

The world above is far from the barren nightmare her Keepers threatened. With the help of an irascible crippled hermit, and the hindrance of a charming runaway thief, Tag learns to survive, [When you said the place was far from the barren nightmare etc. I assumed it wasn't such a bad place after all. Now you say Tag has to learn to survive. What's bad about the Waste?] haunted by the knowledge that she walks free in her sister’s place. [They both wanted to come here, so why is she in her sister's place?] Determined to breach the impenetrable Jenolan and rescue Sale, she must find the only Key that ever made it out. That Key is held by the Magpie Lor, brutal ruler of Katoomba, who seeks Jenolan weapons she can use to unleash hell on the mountain folk who won’t fall into line... folk like Tag’s new friends. [Is Lor an actual magpie?] All the Lor needs is the location of Jenolan’s door - something Tag alone knows. And the Lor isn’t the only one searching. [Is Lor the Magpie's name? If so, why do you keep saying the Lor?] [Also, when one of your characters is the Magpie Lor, brutal ruler of Katoomba, no one's gonna care about any of your other characters, so you may as well mention the Magpie Lor, brutal ruler of Katoomba earlier in the query.]

To protect Jenolan and the Waste from one another, Tag knows she should walk away. But there’s someone inside she can’t leave behind, even if it means opening a door that has kept two worlds apart for centuries.

Some seeds need water to grow. Some need fire. [Some apples are red. Some are green.] THE BLADE AND THE BOW is a New Adult #ownvoices adventure with crossover appeal, featuring a diverse LGBTQ cast and a strong, flawed female lead. Building on the tradition of YA post-apocalyptic ‘shelter’ books like HIVE, this story doesn’t end with the discovery of a larger world; it kicks into a higher gear. Complete at 110,000 words, THE BLADE AND THE BOW is a stand-alone novel with series potential.

I hold a Bachelor of Arts in English (Creative Writing) and a Diploma of Professional Writing & Editing, and my short speculative fiction has won several prizes and appeared in Andromeda Spaceways, PodCastle, and Reckoning. THE BLADE AND THE BOW won the inaugural Erica Bell Mentorship Award, and was edited with the assistance of bestselling children’s author Lian Tanner.

I enclose the first (X) pages of THE BLADE AND THE BOW. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

--Note for Evil Editor on the meaning of the title--

'The Blade and the Bow' has a couple meanings within the story. Tag is given a small blade early on that she uses in a variety of ways to get herself out of trouble (excluding ever actually using it as a weapon). The hermit who rescues and then mentors her in the Waste uses a longbow. He's also the story's hidden primary villain; his motivations are similar to that of the Lor, but he's far more subtle about it. He already knows where to find Jenolan's door so, under the guise of helping Tag, he uses her to pinch the Key from under the Lor's nose. So the blade and the bow are references to the two main characters and the weapons they carry; and weapons (and how they're used) are really the focal point of this story.

The 'blade' and the 'bow' are also the formal names of the two parts of a key. The point I'm making with the title, which should become clear by the end of the story, is that it took two people to turn this particular Key.

Notes

That second paragraph has more information than the average reader wants to consume. "Im not sure the query needs the hermit and the thief and the hill people. Maybe it should start, Determined to rescue Sale, Tag must find the only key that can unlock the door into Jenolan. 

So the situation is, Tag knows where the door is but doesn't have the key. The Magpie Lor, brutal ruler of Katoomba, doesn't know where the door is, but has the key. Perfect opportunity to make a deal. I'll show you the door, we both fo in, and while you get Jenolan weapons, I'll rescue my sister. Win win.

I wouldn't call Sale's beliefs of a world beyond Jenovan "delusions." 

Why do Jenolan and the Waste need to be protected from one another? What would happen if the door were permanently open?

Why would they banish someone they'd chosen as a breeder to the Waste?

Feedback Request

The author of the book most recently featured here would like feedback on the following version:



Ilana’s deepest desire is to know what it’s like to have a family. [That sentence isn't needed, as the same info is provided in sentence 3.] Orphaned at a young age, Ilana finds friendship with mystical beings called Celestians and establishes loyalty to a band of warriors who preach harmony between Humans and Celestians. Still, she aches for the love and comfort of a family. Instead, she’s saddled with a foster sister who seeks to destroy everything Ilana holds dear.

Ilana Pond and Lucrezia Skye weren’t always enemies. They suffered through foster care together and loved one another as siblings - until Ilana’s Celestian-friend attacked Lucrezia, disfiguring her and planting a seed of hate in her heart for all Celestians. Years later, that hatred has grown into a mania. Lucrezia and her pro-Human zealots wreak havoc, slaughtering Celestians and marking every kill with the words “Find your own world, scum”. Humans aren’t safe, either; their Champion has been murdered and branded with Lucrezia’s signature.

Things go from bad to worse when Ilana is taken prisoner by Lucrezia. A fierce warrior, she [Apparently "she" refers to Ilana, but we assume it refers to Lucrezia, the most recent female mentioned.]  has the skill and resources to assassinate her sister. But can she? Lucrezia has shown signs of redemption, and to kill her is to kill the only family Ilana has ever known. [A fierce warrior with skills and resources should avoid being taken prisoner in the first place. I usually doesn't matter how skillful you are once you're imprisoned.] 

POND AND SKYE is a YA fantasy novel rife with family drama, discrimination, and conflicting loyalties. ["Rife with" doesn't sound right. "Featuring themes of" or something similar is probably better, although theoretically by the time we reach this point in the query we don't need to be told what the themes are.] Complete at 86,000 words with series potential, it features LGBTQ+ characters and a protagonist of color in a world where skin color isn’t what sparks hatred - either you’re Human, or you aren’t.

Sincerely,


Notes

This seems much better to me.

Face-Lift 1381

Guess the Plot

The Flight of a Demented Bumblebee

1. Like Donald Trump, Bali is enrolled in military school at the age of thirteen. Bullied by older cadets, who call him a demented bumblebee because he can't take the heat, Bali must decide whether to quit school or stick it out and one day become president and take revenge on the entire planet.

2. He goes up, he goes down. He goes all around. It's Fizzlebutt, trying to find his way home. Fizzlebutt needs to take pollen to the Queen but it's so much harder when you're demented. There must be something he is good at. Robbozip hires him as an apprentice assassin. Killing humans was his calling all along, but can he hold down two jobs at once?

3. Julian has been attending violin lessons all his life. When his teacher disappears, strange things happen, even stranger than no longer hearing that same frigging scale over and over. Its refreshing.

4. A comic coming-of-age-for- a -lonely- misunderstood- teen story, right up to the chapter where she takes an axe to her obnoxious school bully Biffy.

5. The completely and totally absolutely legal way to create psychedelic, aka "mad", honey with tips on bee keeping, growing rhododendrons, and not accidentally poisoning the neighbor's dog, pig, cat, or hamster. Also, an appendix on lucid dreaming.

6. One demonically possessed piano, two harmonically challenged after-school clubs, three classes uninterested in the finer points of music--this will be new high school teacher Nikolai Reem's finest hour . . . or the opening of an inter-dimensional portal to hell.

7. When the magic Swan-Bird tries to change Prince Gvidon from bumblebee back to human form, things go horribly awry. Tragedy ensues. 




Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Bali Zutshi has seen more than what any thirteen-year-old boy should. From communal riots in Anantnag to name callers and dodgy astrologers in Jammu. From his fragile single mother to a father he has never met. [Has he seen his father? If not, maybe his father shouldn't be on this list of things Bali has seen.] Like a battered silver ball in a pinball machine, Bali never feels in control and has learnt to choose inertia over action. When his mother promises him a better future at the prestigious military boarding school in Haldwani, Bali reluctantly agrees.

But it doesn’t take long for the school’s hierarchical structure, strict codes of conduct and intense inter-house rivalry to take a toll on Bali. Entangled in the clutches of a senior bully, who gets him into trouble, [Specific example?] and his House Captain, who makes him go through [endure] rigorous boxing training for the coveted Inter House Boxing Championship, Bali buckles. When he gets severely punished for someone else’s mistake, [What was the punishment and what was the mistake? Specificity is good.] it’s the last straw.

Now he has two options. Either he digs in and becomes the man his hopeful mother wants him to become. Or for the first time ever take matters into his own hands, escape the rough and tumble of boarding school and screw up his life. [I'm not sure it follows that escaping this boarding school would screw up Bali's life, but if that is the case, his two options are become a man or screw up his life. It would feel like a tougher choice if it were between pleasing his mother and being happy. If his mother can afford this school, maybe she can afford a more bearable school?] [If nothing else, say "possibly" screw up his life.]

But, the pinball plunger has already kicked the silver ball into action and [whichever], irrespective of the choices Bali makes, he will have to eventually stop running away and play the game called life. [That's a bit vague. You said Bali had two options, dig in and stay, or run away. Now you suggest that he's running away no matter which option he chooses.]

THE FLIGHT OF A DEMENTED BUMBLEBEE (~89,000 words) is a coming-of-age story grounded in the harsh realities of a military boarding school in India. I survived five years in one to be able to write this story.

I am an MBA and a Marketing Professional. This is my debut novel. I took a sabbatical to complete it. I write because a good story can be a cathartic experience and give poetic justice to those who have been denied.

Would you like to see more of the book?

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,



Author's note:  Regarding the Title: The term 'demented bumblebee' is given to cadets in the military boarding school that are fickle and cannot take the heat.


Notes

When you reach your "last straw," you've been pushed past your breaking point and are going to take action. You're out of this place, or you're going to poison the bully or blow up the school. Instead Bali's merely deciding whether to take action, so it wasn't the last straw.

The red words aren't necessarily wrong, but aren't needed.

The words you added after your signature (not shown) aren't helpful.

A pretty good query once it's cleaned up. A lot of US agents claim to be looking for books set in other cultures. Even if you're looking to publish in India, this boarding school is probably a little-known setting to most readers.