Tuesday, September 11, 2018

Feedback Request

The author of the book most recently featured here would like feedback on the following version:

Ilana’s deepest desire is to know what it’s like to have a family. [That sentence isn't needed, as the same info is provided in sentence 3.] Orphaned at a young age, Ilana finds friendship with mystical beings called Celestians and establishes loyalty to a band of warriors who preach harmony between Humans and Celestians. Still, she aches for the love and comfort of a family. Instead, she’s saddled with a foster sister who seeks to destroy everything Ilana holds dear.

Ilana Pond and Lucrezia Skye weren’t always enemies. They suffered through foster care together and loved one another as siblings - until Ilana’s Celestian-friend attacked Lucrezia, disfiguring her and planting a seed of hate in her heart for all Celestians. Years later, that hatred has grown into a mania. Lucrezia and her pro-Human zealots wreak havoc, slaughtering Celestians and marking every kill with the words “Find your own world, scum”. Humans aren’t safe, either; their Champion has been murdered and branded with Lucrezia’s signature.

Things go from bad to worse when Ilana is taken prisoner by Lucrezia. A fierce warrior, she [Apparently "she" refers to Ilana, but we assume it refers to Lucrezia, the most recent female mentioned.]  has the skill and resources to assassinate her sister. But can she? Lucrezia has shown signs of redemption, and to kill her is to kill the only family Ilana has ever known. [A fierce warrior with skills and resources should avoid being taken prisoner in the first place. I usually doesn't matter how skillful you are once you're imprisoned.] 

POND AND SKYE is a YA fantasy novel rife with family drama, discrimination, and conflicting loyalties. ["Rife with" doesn't sound right. "Featuring themes of" or something similar is probably better, although theoretically by the time we reach this point in the query we don't need to be told what the themes are.] Complete at 86,000 words with series potential, it features LGBTQ+ characters and a protagonist of color in a world where skin color isn’t what sparks hatred - either you’re Human, or you aren’t.



This seems much better to me.


Iamanoldvampirechild said...

I just thought I'd play around with first paragraph ( for flow ) as it felt a little choppy to me. I wasn't feeling the bond feeling for the Celestians and connecting to MC , so I added 'outcast' etc but I'm not sure this is accurate so ditch it if it doesn't feel like 'you' or isn't accurate etc. Like, my version is 8 words longer so not good in that way , and maybe the bond I'm imagining isn't accurate anyway.

'Orphaned at a young age, Ilana considers the Celestians her friends. The mystical creatures are outcasts, and Ilana gravitates towards them, despite their lowly status. Naturally she develops a kinship with a band of warriors preaching harmony between humans and Celestians. But Ilana still aches for the security of a loving family, especially since her foster sister has a vendetta against her.

I like second paragraph and it's pretty clear except I want to know what the catalyst was that made Lucrezia and co, suddenly take action against the Celestians. It seemed like she was inactive in her hatred before this moment.

I don't understand who killed the human 'champion'. Illana and co. ?

In third para I don't understand how the 'feirce warrior' ( assuming Ilana ) can has the capacity to assassinate her sister in prison.

I thought this version was a lot clearer and easier to read than the others.

St0n3henge said...
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Iamanoldvampirechild said...
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