Guess the Plot
Captured by the Pirate
1. When Henri the pirate captures Kadi and puts the moves on her, she wonders if she should tell him that she's the queen of the vampires? He's pretty handsome, and something like that can be a stumbling block to a relationship.
2. Johnny Depp is on the run for a crime he didn't commit. When Hollywood hopeful, Stacy Sterling, stumbles onto his hiding place will she be . . . Captured by the Pirate?
4. Starlet Ruby McMahon is believed lost at sea, but a garbled voicemail brings her cold case to light. DJ Shazam is on the trail, if only he can get past Ruby's boytoy Ex. Also, a heroic dolphin trainer.
5. Feisty, fiery Annabelle takes over her father's merchant ship when he drinks himself to death. Using her cunning, sharp swordsmanship, and bouncing breasts, she quickly becomes the greatest pirate in the bay. When she takes a handsome young man prisoner, she must decide--feed him to her pet sharks, or see if he can survive her own 'feeding frenzy' while tied to the mast?
6. Impulsive, tempestuous Lady Ramona Bledsoe has vowed she will never give her heart to any man. Fiercely independent, with fiery-red hair and a will of iron, she bows to no one. Somehow, she's captured by a pirate and then she rips off her bodice. Erotica ensues.
7. With his magic markers, Ben draws a pirate who subsequently comes to life and takes Ben on his marvelous adventures at sea. But getting lost in a vast ocean and being forced to drink his own urine gets stale real quick for young Ben.
Dear Deliciously Evil Editor,
Kadi, Queen of Fair vampire bloodlines, has embodied a pantheon of goddesses over her five thousand years. Though her days as the hidden world's greatest supernatural grifter have passed, she struggles to free herself from the stranglehold of the bards' myths. But, with the gathering of clans approaching, she forsakes the dream of life on her own terms until she can recover her sacred Aberdeenshire lands and defend her people from Raven lines' domination. [To someone who hasn't read your book, the following phrases are either open to multiple interpretations or make no sense at all: Queen of Fair vampire bloodlines; embodied a pantheon of goddesses; world's greatest supernatural grifter; the stranglehold of the bards' myths; Raven lines' domination. A simple opening such as After 5000 years, Kadi, a vampire queen, longs to settle down on her sacred Aberdeenshire lands. But first she must recover those lands from a flock of Ravens who've built their nests there. ...is more likely to lure us into the second paragraph.]
Then, the restoration of Charles II renders Kadi's planned marriage of convenience to a Cromwell favorite inconvenient. Moneylender Seamus MacGregor calls her betrothed's markers, so she visits Port Royal's most mysterious bachelor to renegotiate. [Not clear whether Port Royal's most mysterious bachelor is her betrothed or the person who originally negotiated her betrothal.] Instead of the rumored pirate, she finds an ancient Raven eager to win her favor. [But it's hard to even have a conversation with someone who never says anything except "Nevermore."] [Am I assumed to know what a Raven is?] Despite his unnerving collection of her past, [Knowledge of her past? Collection of mementos from her past?] including the labyrinth of her secret catastrophe at Knossos, [He has a labyrinth that used to be in Knossos?] Kadi's charmed by Seamus'[s] courtship. [Wait, Seamus the moneylender is courting her? So he's the mysterious bachelor? And her betrothed is . . . the un-mysterious bachelor?] So, when he offers her land, passage to England, and a god in her bed, she leaps at the chance for freedom. [The land and passage are just icing on the cake. The god in her bed was enough to clinch the deal.]
While Kadi revels, the real pirate [As opposed to the rumored pirate. It wasn't clear that there was a real pirate; it sounded like everyone thought someone was a pirate, but when Kadi met him he turned out to be a decent guy.] schemes. Henri Abelard, protégé of her estranged sire, suffers the labyrinth's thousand cuts to challenge her in combat. [Why?] Then, he attacks Seamus'[s] ship, taking her hostage. ["Her" meaning the ship or Kadi? What happened with the combat challenge? Did they fight? If so, where, and who won?] She resists Henri's advances, but discovers a true soul mate as he reveals his tragic past, and fights at his side against a bewitched crew. When his life is threatened, [By whom?] Kadi must decide whether to trust her heart and risk the fate of her people and eternal soul to save the man who loves the woman over the goddess. [How does saving Henri put her people at any more risk? Whaddaya mean, "loves the woman over the goddess"? Is Kadi the woman and the goddess?]
CAPTURED BY THE PIRATE is a complete 50K-word stand-alone historical paranormal romance novella and the first book of Blood Gods, a retelling of the hero's journey from a female perspective.
Thank you for your consideration.
If this is a romance, and Henri is the love interest, more of the query needs to be focused on Henri. One paragraph of setup is plenty. That'll leave you more space to tell us about the Henri/Kadi relationship. I can do without Ravens and labyrinths and Oliver Cromwell.
Not clear who Kadi's people are. People living on her sacred Aberdeenshire lands? People she's turned into her vampire subjects? Both?
Actually, very little is clear. You need to treat the reader as an idiot who knows nothing about anything, not as someone who's read the book and is testing you on whether you've read it.