Wednesday, August 01, 2012

Face-Lift 1056

[This, from Mister Furkles, is the last of the fake queries for memoirs of famous people. Although in this case it's more like the memoir than the query. 

The three titles now in the query queue are real books awaiting fake plots.]

Growing Up Borgia

I’m Lucrezia Borgia. I was raised Catholic. Gandpa Alfons was Pope Calixto and Papa Rodrigo was Pope Alejandra – you can’t get any more Christian.

Mama, Vannozza dei Cattanei, was a grand lady. When I was twelve, Papa betrothed me to Giovanni Sforza. I had six months to learn a wife’s duties. Mama gave me lady training. Cesar, my sixteen-year-old brother, taught me about the boudoir; I learned quickly but Cesar – ever the perfectionist -- insisted plenty of practice.

At thirteen, I wed Giovanni. He was more interested in his business and his bros so I honed my skills on the stable lads. Giovanni’s devotion to business didn’t pay off; he lost his fortune. At fifteen I went to a convent and was completely isolated except for my chamberlain, Perotto. He was a twelve-year-old precocious lad who was strikingly like a donkey in one valuable respect. Perotto and I spend the hours on end learning everything about one another. After half a year, the annulment was final; they declared me a virgin.

My second husband was Prince Alfonso of Aragon. He was sixteen and I was a seventeen. Alfonso’s sister had been given to my Uncle Gioffre so, we made a cozy foursome. Alfonso was better looking than Perotto and just as well endowed. He was a most gorgeous hunk and everybody wanted a piece of him – I got the best piece.

Unfortunately, Papa wanted to make kissface with the King of France who invaded Aragon. So Alfonso was on the outs. I hid him but Papa caught Al and had him strangled the night our son, Rodrigo was born. That sort of thing’s okay if you’re the Pope but it didn’t sit well with me.

Papa said if I liked Alfonsos so much he’d get me another. At twenty-two I wed Alfonso, Duke of Ferrara. Al Two did not compare well with Al One. But we were rich and neither objected to the other’s dalliances.


Tk said...

And then what happened?

(I guess that means I would have read pages :)

Anonymous said...

I suppose it would be churlish to say I found the voice off. Kind of I-Can-Read-It-Myself up until the last line, when there's a diction shift.

Wilkins MacQueen said...

Loved it. I thought it was handled extremely well, and I'd like to read more.

Top drawer.

Mister Furkles said...

Of course, it isn't real. It's simply a spoof on "Growing up Gotti". As for the voice being off, yes it is. It’s extremely difficult for a man to write first person POV for a female character and vice versa. I would never attempt it.

If a woman historian with extensive knowledge of renaissance Italy wanted to write a fictionalized history, Lucrezia’s life story could be a hit. It could be like “I Claudius” but darker and possibly depressing. I would never attempt to write it.

I thought you might enjoy a totally hedonistic memoir from one of history’s most notorious. Lucrezia was not just a sexual predator but is also believed to be a serial killer – using poison – and a major player in power politics.

Thanks for your comments.

AlaskaRavenclaw said...

Not that into tales of 12-year-old sex myself.