Friday, July 29, 2011

New Beginning 872

She did not feel the knife cut. She did not notice herself bleeding. But she did see the look on his face as he thrust at her again and again. It was twisted. Maniacal. She still had a coffee in her hand. She was still in a commute mindset, trying to avoid offending others.

Suddenly another man who was not in commute mode. He picked up her attacker and threw him to the ground. The attacker backed up saying he was sorry, saying he wouldn't do it again, swearing he had rights. Linda was already on her knees.

The man kicked her attacker, then grabbed his wrist. He was ready for the knife thrust and her attacker screamed. It was a high-pitched wail, followed by cries of 'I've got rights, I've got rights.' But Linda Gurman was already lying down in a pool of her own blood.

“You can't have this one, brother. I will make her sleep and dream healing dreams.”

“I never take what's yours. It is always you who cheat me of whatever you can. It's one of your most endearing traits. But I am not after her. I am here for that man.”

Morpheus looked where his brother indicated. An overweight man sat dozing in the corner, drool forming at the edge of his open mouth, his hair slicked down like a wet otter. And those muttonchops . . . like the contents of the lint catcher on a clothes dryer had finally been cleaned out after six months and glued onto his jowls.

Morpheus was about to say, He's all yours, brother, when his iPhone dinged. He listened awhile, then said, "Sorry, you can't have this one either. Apparently he has a deal with the devil. Gets to live till he's sold every copy of Novel Deviations."

"Shit. You know what that means? He's virtually immortal!"

"True, but look on the bright side," Morpheus said. "Someone finally got the best of Satan."

Opening: D Jason Cooper.....Continuation: Evil Editor


Evil Editor said...

It's not clear to me whether Morpheus and his brother are observing this scene from on high, or whether they are the attacker and savior of Linda. I assume the former, but it would be easy for the reader to assume the latter as the scene unfolds.

I wouldn't start the last sentence of P3 with "But." I'm not sure the word "already" is doing anything at the end of P2 or P3. It implies that one wouldn't expect her to "already" be in that position, when several knife thrusts could easily have a person down quickly.

I'm not sure whether Linda is the main character or if this is the last we'll see of her. Usually it's more obvious which character we should be focusing on.

AlaskaRavenclaw said...

The last five paragraphs look like the beginning of quite an interesting story. Alas, I would never have gotten to them had I picked this up in a bookstore, because I wouldn't have read past the first paragraph.

If the book or story really celebrates scenes of violence for the reader who loves himself some lacerated flesh, keep the first graf. If not, you should probably change or lose it.

Who's the POV character? I hope it's not Linda, cuz she's a tad passive. Is commute mode some kinda drug?

Dave Fragments said...

I don't get a sense of the action. It doesn't seem to follow from a to b to c.

Move the sentences around. They seem to be out of order. Try this sequence:
a) Linda in commute mindset, drinking coffee.
b) She gets knifed by someone with a maniacal and twisted look.
c) bystanders defend her.
d) the attacker and defender have words, revealing that one is Death and the other Morpheus?

This opening is the place for linearity of action.

Good luck in handling both of those figures together. Death is an imposing and sometimes unwieldy character all by itself. It's tough to personify Death and keep the events in bound.
Adding Morpheus (who I presume is lord of dreams) is all by itself a challenge since Morpheus is larger than life.

Stacy said...

I like the scene, but it doesn't read very smoothly. I think Linda would feel being stabbed. Most people would get out of "commute mode" in a hurry with that. I'd make her put up a fight, however weak, and fail, if you're going to let her lie in a pool of her own blood.

My verification word: jaill

Sarah Laurenson said...

Only Evil can write himself into a story with such panache.

I was lost on who was Morpheus and his brother. I thought it was the attacker and the defender, too. And the dialogue with no tags right near the beginning when we haven't been introduced to the speakers threw me.

I also thought this was Linda's story, but then it seemed like maybe not. So here I was trying to connect with her and then disconnect right away. Rather jarring.

Interesting concept but it needs to be smoothed out a bit.

Anonymous said...

When I've read accounts by people who've been stabbed irl, they describe it as like being punched. Many did not realise they were being stabbed at first.

(actually this is buffysquirrel but i changed passwords then computers,

Stacy said...

If being stabbed feels like being punched, it stands to reason she would have felt something. As the story reads, Linda seems oblivious rather than hurt.