McCord giggled from the cockpit of the "skyboat." His bony hands were a flurry of shifting levers and twisting dials. The engines groaned almost sarcastically at their pilot's pointless antics; nothing would knock this craft off its course short of divine intervention, and that was amusingly unlikely given the circumstances.
The craft shuddered as it breached the cloud ring that surrounded the Rise. McCord paused to squeal giddily at the turbulence before returning to his controls with even greater enthusiasm.
The awful silhouette of the Rise loomed through the clouds: a jagged, unmoving snake of black crystal, half a mile in diameter, erupted from the ocean’s surface and terminated in a perfect hemisphere. The image was lost on its sole observer, whose vacant expression suggested an incapacity for dread. In fairness, if McCord’s shattered mind had been whole and capable of comprehending what he saw, it probably would have shattered anyway.
“Bumpy bump bump!” said McCord.
The crystal formation now hardened into a rigid cylindrical structure aimed directly at McCord's skyboat. From an opening in the perfect hemisphere erupted a mucilaginous fluid that engulfed the craft, blinding McCord and clogging the air intake valves. The engine sputtered and died.
If McCord's shattered mind had not been mercifully incapable of appreciating that he was plummeting to his doom, it might have thought, Ah, so that's why they call this "Poseidon's Penis."
Opening: Evil Jr......Continuation: Evil Editor
"Jesus, you're always so drunk whenever we play Wii, Uncle Johnny," said his nephew. "Here. Have some more."
Jake sighed, and wiped sweat from under the peak of his FAIRWAYS AMUSEMENTS cap. "Look, mister, you've been riding the Skyboats for three hours, and it's time you let the little kids have a turn."
McCord silently wiggled a bony hand at the sign: "For Six and Under"
"That's six years old," Jake said patiently. "Not six feet tall."
"Thank God I brought the duct tape."
“Laws yes,” said McCord. “M-O-O-N, that spells McCord. Laws yes. Even McCord knows that.” He danced as he sang the words, his heels kicking against the nuclear warhead that rolled back and forth about the deck of the “skyboat’s” cockpit. Looking down, a splinter of his fragmented mind suddenly flashed a remembrance of this warhead he’d stolen from an abandoned Air Force base, to take to the evil serpent king who planned to destroy all the good guys left in the world. “Bumpy bump bump,” sang McCord. “Ci-a-bola, Ci-a-bola, black-crystal-snake-made perfect hemisphere, Bumpety bump bump!”
He saw a great golden hand, then, forming in the sky, index finger pointing down toward the perfect hemisphere ahead, waiting to “push the button” when McCord and his “deathcargo” arrived.
But what the hey, the Big Mac had flown more Viet Nam missions than any one could count. The residual effect was a nasty drug habit which made him giggle and made the lords of banned substances wonder if they were nuts to entrust their grandchildren's trust funds to an idiot whose only enjoyment in life was blue M M's and scaring the crap out of his co-pilot.
P1: I would drop the quotation marks around skyboat, and end the first paragraph at intervention.
P3: I would change "erupted" and "terminated" to "jutting" and "terminating," if I'm correct in assuming this eruption isn't actively occurring as McCord approaches.
Do you need any money? How come you never visit?
This is overwritten. You can still get your point across (the pilot is crazy) with a lot fewer words. Consider:
His bony hands were a flurry of shifting levers and twisting dials. The engines groaned at their pilot's pointless antics; nothing would knock this craft off its course short of divine intervention.
Clever asides have to be damn clever in order to justify distracting the reader. Especially in an opening.
As for the first sentence:
McCord giggled from the cockpit of the "skyboat."
"From" doesn't really work here. Jumped from, leapt from, sure. "Giggled from" made me expect the POV of someone listening to him over a radio feed.
Not sure why there are quotes around skyboat.
I would have sworn this was Dave's writing from the very first sentence. Is Dave the illegitimate offspring of the Evil One?
I doubt that I'm EE's illegitimate offspring considering I think that I'm older. But that's a digression.
Too many adverbs for my taste and a splitting of focus between the crazy McCord and the menacing Rise. So try collecting McCord in one group of sentences and the Rise in a second.
AlaskaRavenClaw had a good condensation.
I would cut the first paragraph down to this:
Inside he cockpit of the skyboat, McCord giggled, his hands shifting levers and twisting dials. Nothing would knock this craft off its course short of divine intervention. He squealed in delight as the skyboat breached he cloud ring surrounding the Rise.
And the third paragraph could be this:
The Rise loomed: a jagged, unmoving gash of black crystal, half a mile in diameter, jutting from the ocean’s surface and terminating in a perfect hemisphere.
And then I would return to McCord and his mental problems.
This sounds like Steampunk. I like both Steampunk and Urban Paranormal fantasy for the devices and the atmospherics that form the settings. I end to write without much scenic description and with Steampunk and Urban Fantasy, I have to add those elements into the story.
It's hard for me to comment on this kind of writing, if only because I don't like it. It's too distanced and mannered. But hey, some people like distanced and mannered.
Trying too hard, that's my feeling. And I think maybe his hands should be IN a flurry. Every time I read that sentence it jars.
Hilarious as satire or parody. This Steampunk stuff being essentially absurd to the core, tho the authors tend to be so very over-serious. Not sure it would keep my attn thru a whole novel but would read on to see.
You're going to have fun reading the next book for discussion: THE IRON DUKE is Steampunk and a Romance at that.
...and unintentionally hilarious. I'm really looking forward to this month's book chat. :D
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