Friday, April 28, 2006

Face-Lift 2

Guess the Plot

Mark of the Beast

1. Hermione Flapsaddle dotes on her darling little poodle, Kippy Yippy, until the day she leaves the creature in her apartment too long. Nothing can prepare her for what she finds on the carpet.

2. Senator Blake Johansen suspects his son may be the Antichrist, so he shaves the boy's head to check for the mark of the beast. To his relief, all he sees on the naked scalp is the number 999.

3. After six nannies die gruesome deaths while potty training her toddler, Mrs. Martin begins to suspect the man she had an affair with three years ago was not a real milkman.

4. Alone in her rented vacation cabin, Abby realizes that something is trying to claw its way inside. Could it be a bear? Or is it, as she hopes, the hunky research scientist from up the road, nude and horny?

5. A mix-up at the hospital has the Antichrist being raised by the Pope's housekeeper. A wacky battle of wills ensues.

6. Marcus Sheldinger reluctantly goes to work on a cattle ranch, and learns important lessons from the cowboys about life, love and branding irons.

Original Version

Marketing assistant Abby Clumm isn’t the kind of girl who travels to remote cabins in Alaska alone. [Makes it sound like traveling alone to Alaska is slut-like--she's not that kind of girl.] But with the expectation that her friend [name him or her] will be arriving shortly, she flies solo and makes the journey to their rented cabin. Unfortunately, things don’t go as she plans [How so?]--no real surprise there, when do they?--and her first night she finds herself alone in the boonies. Worse yet, a shotgun she doesn’t know how to use and a failing wooden door are the only things standing between her little city-girl self [yuck] and some kind of enormous, hungry animal. Thanks to her foolishness, she’s now caught in a battle for survival. [not clear what she did that was foolish, unless it was failing to anticipate that Tarik Evert would morph into an unstoppable (but no doubt wildly attractive) predator.]

Research scientist Tarik Evert has no idea what’s wrong. He’s suddenly driven by a need so overwhelming, so urgent it’s painful. He wants to mate. No, he needs to mate. [Sounds like he has an excellent idea what's wrong--he's been in Alaska too long.] The scent of a woman nearby beckons him, sends him staggering outside into the cold. And then somehow he’s at her door, freezing and nude, [Nude? This guy is going to make one lousy first impression.] not sure what just happened [Here's what just happened: he decided to pay a social call on Miss Abby, but forgot to put on some clothes.]...or what is about to happen if she lets him inside.

He only knows one thing--the hunger that brought him to her in the first place. [May as well tack this onto the previous paragraph.]

MARK OF THE BEAST is a 40,000 word paranormal erotic romance novella, written to target erotica and/or erotic romance publishers. [No need to spell out the target publisher; you're sending the query to the target publisher.] I am a multi-published author of erotic and paranormal romance fiction. My published books have received excellent reviews, including Top Pick from Romantic Times. [Editors might want to know your publishers and titles.]

Thank you for your time. I look forward to your response and can provide additional material upon request. I can be reached via e-mail at or phone at 555-220-1234. [Unlikely an editor will be phoning you to respond to a query.]


Revised Version

Marketing assistant Abby Clumm doesn't relish flying alone to a remote area of Alaska, but at least she knows that her friend Maxine will be joining her. Unfortunately, Maxine doesn't show, and Abby finds herself alone in their rented cabin, out in the boonies. What's worse, only a shotgun she doesn’t know how to use and a rickety wooden door stand between her and . . . whatever is trying to claw its way inside.

Research scientist Tarik Evert has no idea what’s happening to him. Driven by a need so overwhelming, so urgent it’s painful, he staggers outside into the cold, drawn by the scent of a woman. And then he’s at her door, not sure how he got there . . . or what will happen if he gets inside. He knows only one thing--the hunger that has brought him there.

MARK OF THE BEAST is a 40,000 word paranormal erotic romance novella. I am a multi-published author of romance fiction. My published books include Maureen and the Mongoose (Torchlight, 2002), which received a Top Pick review from Romantic Times.

I would be happy to submit the manuscript upon request. A stamped envelope is enclosed for your reply, or I may be reached via e-mail at ______________.



It's a little short. Perhaps some background about why Abby's going to remote Alaska, what Evert's researching? Also, it sounds more like a horror story than a romance. If your target is romance publishers, maybe something hinting at the romance would be useful. Something like:

Abby Clumm, stranded in remote Alaska, is so horny she'd be happy if the toothless, grizzled old lumberjack in the next cabin dropped by. Hell, she'd settle for a nude, deranged, sex-starved man-beast. Little does she know, she's about to get her wish, and I don't mean Gummy.

Okay, not quite like that.


Anonymous said...

You've got me laughing like a lunatic. Thanks.

Anonymous said...

Your wrap up comments were too funny. (snickering into my hand) (sorry, Wannabe writer:) You're not just throwing blood on the waters. You're chunking in the chum.

Mad Scientist Matt said...

I especially loved the line about how "He's been in Alaska too long."