Face-Lift 849

Guess the Plot

Flute Music

1. In the woodwind section of the New York Philharmonic, Dan is infatuated with first flautist Steve, and the masterful technique with which he wields his impressive instrument. Unfortunately, all Dan has is a piccolo.

2. The new boy at school, Hiro Yotosan, plays the flute and is from Japan. He'd like to ask out some of the girls . . . but he plays the flute. Can he talk the handsome football captain, Jock, into loving his kind of music?

3. An unfortunate piercing incident leaves Zeke's nether region horribly disfigured - or so he thinks. While seeking comfort and oblivion in the embrace of a lady of the night, Zeke discovers a unique use for "Little Zeke," and embarks on a quest to have his unusual instrument accepted in mainstream orchestral circles.

4. When Mala's environmentalist friend becomes the latest in a line of people murdered for trying to expose polluting practices at the mine, only one thing keeps her from falling into a state of depression: flute music.

5. Stoners Ralph and Earl go on a quest for dope and bring back finger paints, which is not pleasing to their girlfriends. Their second attempt results in the discovery of flute music, another unappreciated advance in the technology of man. Will these lovable losers ever get laid?

6. France, 1689. Young Charles Le Tour has been playing the flute with Master Le Normand since he was six. He's sixteen, writing his own compositions. With a Royal visit due in their town, can he convince M. Le Normand to let him play his own work for the King--or will he have to play the same Te Deums as everyone else?



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Sixteen-year-old Mala's decision to take up cudgels on behalf of the environment gets the attention of the local mine owner. People who get his attention usually end up dead. [My research reveals that taking up cudgels is a British and Australian idiom. In the US, readers may assume Mala plans to use her cudgels for bludgeoning.] [I was going to declare "cudgel bludgeon" a great tongue twister, but personal experimentation reveals that it's not as tough as you'd think to say it five times fast. Thus I'll instead recommend "ski sash."]

When Mala's mother gets a job at the Calvert Mining Company, it's a chance at a new life, a chance to leave behind their old town and its bitter memories. [Their idea of a fresh start in life is to move to a mining town where people regularly and mysteriously end up dead? Maybe you should tell us what their life used to be like.]

A short time after they move into the new town, a fiery accident kills an EPA agent. Police close the case as a DUI. But Mala's environmentalist friend convinces her that her mother's boss, Mr. Calvert, murdered the agent to hide the fact that the mine failed to use proper safeguards to prevent pollution. Mala is torn between helping her friend get evidence and fear her mother would lose her job [working for a serial killer]. Then her friend's body is found in the mines, next to a stack of explosives. Police close that case as an accident too - that her friend, in the process of trying to blow up the mines, fell and hit her head. The police chief happens to be Mr. Calvert's close friend.

[Police chief: We found her in the mine; looks like she fell and hit her head.
Medical Examiner: Actually, it looks more like she was bludgeoned with a cudgel.
Police chief (glaring): Perhaps you didn't hear me?
ME: What was I thinking? I don't even know what a cudgel is.]

Bitter and angry, Mala takes on Aiyana's cause, [If you're going to name this character, name her when you introduce her. Then you won't have to keep calling her "friend."] determined to bring down the powerful mine owner. Brad, a junior in her school, offers to help. While warm feelings stir between them, a cold reality faces them. Mr. Calvert is not about to let a couple of teenagers stop him [Stop him . . . from not using proper safeguards? How about shut down the mine?] - and murder comes easy to him by now.

My YA novel FLUTE MUSIC, complete at 54,000 words, is available for your review.


[Note (not part of query): I decided on that title because Mala meets her friend through their love for flute music. When her friend dies, the flute keeps her from going into depression and focused on her goal.] [I don't care who died; no one can stay sad for long with Jethro Tull's "Bourée" on the iPod.]


Notes

Few are aware that Jethro Tull's song "Bungle in the Jungle" was originally titled "Bludgeoned with a Cudgel."

I don't think the first paragraph is needed. Presumably Mom and Mala are unaware that Calvert murders everyone who gets his attention, so we don't need to know it up front. The murders will seem more shocking if we don't know they occur on a daily basis.

Possibly you could try opening with Aiyana's death, then mention the other murders and put more time into the Mala/Brad part of the novel, which I assume is the main plot. Much of what's here (moving to town, EPA guy's "accident") is just setting up the situation.

Cartoon 792

Caption: anon.

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

New Beginning 812

Ever made a fatal mistake? No wait. Let me answer that for you. ‘Not yet.’ Yep. That’s right. There’s still time. For you.

After all that happened, who’d’a thunk one little thing would totally ruin my wedding dress. Do you know how hard it is to get blood out of organza? Don’t even go there with the silk. My God, the silk. Yeah. Impossible. But I had to try, ‘cause darling, it was my Big Day.

Was being the operative word here. Never did kiss that man of mine while the seriously cute preacher… Oh chile, did I mention he was cute? Well I never did get to hear him say ‘husband and husband’. What a waste. Ha ha. Waste. I kill myself. Well shit, I actually did. But not intentionally, you know.

And now I’m stuck here in these pages talking to you. Lord knows why. But he’s not telling me. Not today. Maybe tomorrow. Who am I kidding? He doesn’t talk to us newbies. Just sends these hired goons in white and looking all angelic until you tell them ‘no’. Then the proverbial shit hits the fan and explodes all over the damn place.


My God, Nigel, you are such a drama queen. All you did was prick your finger on the corsage. You'll live. As for your "hired goons" -- sorry, gents -- they're the caterers. And that over there in the chocolate fountain? It's chocolate, not proverbial shit.

Now pull yourself together and let's get this ceremony over with before I waste you.


Opening: Sarah Laurenson.....Continuation: anon.

Cartoon 791

Caption: Whirlochre

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Face-Lift 848

Guess the Plot

The Spices of Life

1. As the Food Channel gears up for another battle among amateur chefs, the competition couldn't be hotter. Rosemary must face her nemesis, Cinnamon, who not only stole her signature recipe, but her husband too. Can Pepper win back the love of her life and the golden bundt pan?

2. Ginger comes home after a bad day only to discover that all of her spices have disappeared from her spice cupboard, which has become a portal to a world where the food is completely bland. Turns out her spices are the legendary Lost Seasons, but can she get them back in time to finish making her bruschetta?

3. Unemployed banker Nigel Warner goes on a drunken binge to prepare himself for suicide, but as he's teetering on the ledge, his fairy godmother appears and reveals his mission in life: create a line of ice creams flavored with the spices of life, starting with Hope. So he crawls down to begin the Internet research phase.

4. While experimenting with ingredients for a new pizza sauce, Bela inadvertently creates a formula that can reanimate the dead. Does his chance discovery spell the end of humanity as we know it, or will it merely provide Bela with an army of delivery boys who'll settle for less than minimum wage?

5. When Pepper Morgan meets Eric Salt, she immediately knows they were made for each other. Commitment-phobic Eric's belief in destiny, however, is somewhat less strong. While he dallies with a string of quickly forgotten women, Pepper summons her hidden talents and embarks on a quest to prove to Eric that variety is just one of the spices of life.

6. When TV chef Hillary Grimes drives her Porsche into the Pacific off of Malibu, homicide detective Zack Martinez knows two things: no one would ever deliberately do that to a 914, and his wife is probably gonna make enchiladas tonight. Again.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Ginger is an average high school sophomore whose one great passion is cooking. She knows the uses of every spice in her beloved spice cupboard, from anise to wasabi, [and hopes one day to know what to do with the allspice and zedoary.] and can make anything from simple scrambled eggs to a triple layer cheesecake. [If that's another alphabetical range, it's not as impressive as the first one. Plus, anyone can cook simple scrambled eggs. Considering the next sentence, if you must name two dishes Ginger can cook, they should be two exotic dishes. From aardvark pot pie to yellow-bellied sapsucker croquettes.] However, as exotic as her cooking can be, Ginger has never considered leaving her small hometown to visit other countries [from Afghanistan to Zimbabwe] with her wealthy parents, who spend much of their time abroad. [This makes it sound like it's highly unusual for a high school sophomore who can make triple-layer cheesecake not to be a world traveler. I don't think we even need the parents in the query.] Adventure, she tells them, is just not her thing.

Then Ginger comes home from a bad day at school and discovers that her spices are missing, along with the entire inside of her spice cupboard, which has become a portal to another world. [That happened to me once, or at least I thought so. Turned out I shouldn't have eaten that whole tin of nutmeg.] Furious, the girl plunges through and finds herself in a strange land where most people have pointed ears [She's on Vulcan?] if not scales or fur, animals can often talk, and worst of all, the food is completely bland. [Actually, it's not that the food is bland, it's just that Vulcans don't show emotion, even when eating. Although it's hard to believe even Spock could remain stoic while eating a chocolate souffle or a jalapeno burrito.]

Turns out her spices are believed to be the legendary lost Seasons hidden by a wizard many years ago, [Where'd they get that idea?] and everyone wants a piece of their power. [Aha. It's Dune for kids.] Everyone, that is, except Ginger, who just wants her spices back so she can go home and finish that lovely bruschetta...

At 60,000 words, The Spices of Life is a middle grade fantasy novel. The complete manuscript is available upon request. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,


Notes

Are Ginger's spices the lost Seasons? If so, say they are, instead of saying they are believed to be. If they aren't, you might explain why everyone thinks they are.

Wouldn't it be easier just to go to the grocery store than to cross into a land where people are willing to go to war for her spices?

It's about time home economics students had a fantasy just for them. They must be sick of stories about cooking contests and making dinner for their invalid grandparents.

Cartoon 790

Caption: Whirlochre

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

Sunday Feature 16

The 5th Annual
Zombie
Guess the Plot
Quiz

Each year zombies make numerous appearances in fake plots, but this year four of the following turned out to be the actual plots of minions' novels. Which four?

1. Minerva has always been wayward: cigarettes at thirteen, booze at fourteen, and motherhood at fifteen! That, however, proves to be only apprentice waywardness, for when she turns sixteen, she experiences . . . the waywardness of the undead!!

2. When a drunken surgeon replaced her hands with lobster claws, Natalie's popularity crashed. Exiled from polite society, she takes off sailing solo round the world -- only to be shipwrecked on a desert island inhabited by walrusmen, midget vampires, and zombie pirates. But it's not so bad once they make her their queen.

3. The network has spoken, and they've voted off survival reality show host Guy Sly. In a plot of cold revenge Guy orchestrates a mass kidnapping of network bigwigs and plants them on a remote island full of immortal beings. Vampires, zombies and faeries galore! Which fat cat will be dinner first?

4. When Jared and Jason's father is killed by a mysterious explosion at the Foxfire Lab, they know there's more involved than a simple gas leak. Can they find the culprit--or will they unleash a zombie apocalypse?

5. Mary Sue and her boyfriend Gary rampage through Brooklyn while stalking a were-zombie with Lovecraftian ambitions. Meanwhile the Greener in Pieces initiative (run by ghouls) has decided on drastic measures in the once-man vs nature war. Also, a kitchen sink.

6. Joan thought she had problems when zombies started sprouting in her flowerbeds. Then, this morning it rained lobsters. Maybe scrubbing the marks off that oddly-shaped stone in the back was a bad idea.

7. Librarian Jeannie Flaherty knows there's something wrong when every new acquisition that comes into her library involves fog, spectral dogs, alien abductions, and Sasquatch. Could it be a sign that the zombie apocalypse really is happening? Also, undead hamsters.

8. High school's tough for everyone, but while other kids have to worry about locking braces when they kiss, Francie and Chad have to worry about their lips falling off.

9. After the zombie apocalypse kills us all, Marley discovers that brains taste sweeter when he's shambling alongside Dixie Adams. But then the vampires show up and ruin everything.

10. Soon after Jack starts working in Lisa's pizza parlor, romance blossoms. Should he tell her he's a zombie now, or let her find out the hard way, when customers complain that fingers weren't among the toppings they ordered?

11. Melissa has grown tired of dating men who are interested only in her body. Eventually she meets George, a man who actually wants her for her braaaaaaaaaiiins.

12. John's beloved zombie bride Marsha has been kidnapped. Can he lead his fellow rotting corpses through the city and rescue her before she ends up as fertilizer?

13. Marla Higginson falls asleep watching TV only to awaken in a Zombiefied version of her favorite soap. Will she escape Zombism or, since her lover Brendan is now undead, will she convert for him? Tune in tomorrow when…

14. Spirit Hill got her name from her granola-munching parents, and her necromantic ability from a two-timing gypsy. When zombies come looking for organic brains, can she save her beloved commune?

15. As the end of the world draws nigh, miracles are on the rise. So when Jesus Reyes’ modest two-story colonial shows the ability to do long division, a skill long lost to the general populace, no one takes notice. How can they, with zombies wreaking havoc on the town?

16. Elizabeth is having one lousy fifteenth birthday, mostly because of the hitman who killed her. Now she's awakened in the morgue, and the hitman wants to turn her from the living dead to the dead dead. It's beginning to look like she won't make it to her senior prom.

17. One day Josh oversleeps and wakes up to find zombies attacking the city. What's worse, his brain has already been eaten, yet somehow he's still walking around. Being dead feels great! He decides to help others find the same undead bliss he's discovered--while at the same time satisfying his craving for grey matter.

18. When zombies overrun the palace, prince Eduard escapes on foot, shielding his younger sister, princess Aija. But to become king, the law says he needs the actual royal crown, the one they left behind on the dead--now a zombie--King's head.

19. Young and beautiful Gwyn has undertaken to retrieve the talisman that can destroy the cursed zombie army of Francis the Furious from the nunnery at Ammanpur. With the aid of a handsome seaman, Gwyn crosses the ocean only to find the nunnery surrounded and besieged. Can she retrieve the Amulet of Ammanpur and save the . . . sisters across the sea?

20. When a zombie shows up on her doorstep seeking an explanation for his reanimation, Louisa is thrust into an adventure that takes her to Bulgaria and the tomb of an ancient bandit who worshiped Allat, the Mesopotamian goddess of the underworld. Does Allat's lullaby have the power to wake the dead?

21. Monstro City: where four million monsters reside, wishing their human ruling family were all dead. When Prince Thomas learns his family faces eviction from the castle--and certain death--he sets out in his swamp monster disguise to collect back taxes from a dragon. Can he keep the royal family solvent? Also, a socially challenged zombie.





Answers below




The actual plots are

10, 16, 20, and 21.

Face-Lift 847

Guess the Plot

The Torturer's Daughter

1. The guys are always excited when they see the whips and leather at Laurie's house--until her 6'8" dad comes out, handcuffs in hand. Will Laurie ever get a date her dad doesn't put to death in the torture chamber?

2. When Allie, the Royal Torturer's daughter, disappears from her prep school, there's only one man the King can turn to: Cocks Magnum, Private Eye.

3. Willwithers is no ordinary high school. Drug-free and gang-free, it boasts perfectly-behaved students and the highest test scores in the state. Sure, the school's methods are controversial. Among other things, it employs a torturer. And 10th grader Kenedy Kipling, pretty but dateless, can tell you it sucks to be . . . The Torturer's Daughter.

4. When her BFF Heather phones one night, Becca assumes it's to talk about the cute new boy at school. But no, it's to complain to Becca that her mother has just tortured Heather's parents to death. Who knew having a mother who's an infamous torturer would bring so much friction into her friendships?

5. Alva Hood is tired of being an outcast. It's not her fault her dad tortures fellow citizens for a living. And she hates her nickname - The Iron Maiden. Can Alva reinvent herself as an image consultant to social lepers, and prove that she's more than just . . . The Torturer's Daughter?

6. All the other girls study embroidery, but Camilla must learn to use instruments of torture. Her mother died after birthing just one child so it's her fate to learn the family business: torturing the enemies of her uncle, the King. Unless . . . she can join forces with that cute guy in Dungeon #9, murder Uncle Harry, and take the crown.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

When her best friend Heather calls in the middle of the night, Becca assumes it's the usual drama. Wrong. Heather's parents have been arrested as dissidents - and Becca's mother, the regime's most infamous torturer, has already executed them for their crimes against the state. [Hi Becca. Your mother just tortured my parents to death. Oh, and do you understand the math homework?]

To stop Heather from getting herself killed trying to prove her parents' innocence, Becca hunts for proof of their guilt. [Brilliant. Your mother offs your friend's parents, so to smooth things over you try to prove her parents were treasonous subversives.] But she finds more than she bargained for - she discovers evidence that the government is scripting dissident confessions in order to keep the population in constant fear, and her mother is at the center of it all.

Becca doesn't know what to believe anymore, or who to trust. Can she reconcile the mom she's always known with the cold-blooded killer she learns more about every day? [Wait a minute, Mom, you're telling me you're Borgo, the Disemboweler?] [I should have suspected you were an infamous torturer. I mean, other kids get grounded; I get the rack.] Is the cute new boy at school spying for the secret police, or does he have an agenda all his own? [Or--and this may seem far-fetched--did his family just move into the school district?] What is Heather's grief turning her into? [Either delete that question or answer it, preferably the former.] And how can Becca continue to live silently in a world where lives are sacrificed every day to feed propaganda and lies? [I don't know what is meant by "to feed propaganda and lies." Do you mean to feed the people propaganda and lies? To feed the propaganda machine?] [Not sure I'd call the lives "sacrificed" if the people are just being murdered; usually a life is sacrificed for a good cause. It seems that what's happening is that lives are being taken to terrorize the people.]

When Becca risks her life to save a dissident, she learns that her mom isn't the only one with secrets... and the plot she uncovers will threaten the lives of the people she loves most. For Becca, it's no longer just a choice between risking execution and ignoring the regime's crimes; she has to decide whose life to save and whose to sacrifice. [Whoa, you guys are planning to kill all the torturers? That's my mom you're talking about. She didn't even enjoy torturing innocent people! She wore her iPod with the Vienna Boys Choir turned up full just so she wouldn't hear the screaming!]

THE TORTURER'S DAUGHTER is a dystopian young adult novel. It is complete at 63,000 words.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,


Notes

This reads pretty well, though it could use a few tweaks. Make sure you mention that the book should appeal to all those readers who liked The Hunger Games but thought it wasn't bleak enough.

I think you need to make it clear whether Becca knows her mother is a torturer. If she doesn't, maybe sentence 3 could read: Heather says her parents have been arrested as dissidents--and claims that the torturer who executed them was Becca's mother!

If Becca knows her mom's a torturer, but thinks she tortures only people who deserve it, I assume there's a mother/daughter scene in which the rebellious teen screams, "Why is it that every time I make a new friend you have to go and torture her parents? You're killing my social life."

Cartoon 789

Caption: anon.

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

New Beginning 811

Kit ran to the Pacific Ocean Park, her favorite amusement park, like a kid would to an ice cream truck. It was already eight-o-clock, two hours until the fun closed down. Kit’s mother, Mary Jane, had already made them late—taking on a killer double shift at the diner—despite the mile walk from their bungalow to the pier. En route to the old Ocean Park Pier, Mary Jane ran into Kenny, or better said: Kenny almost ran over her as he pulled his filthy blue pick up beside the girls.

Kenny was sickly thin with dingy brown hair and insincere green eyes—someone her mother didn’t know from Adam, aside from the fact he was a man. And since he was a man, for Mary Jane, Kenny was worth getting to know—at least for ten or fifteen minutes.

His smile as greasy as his hair, Kenny leaned out of the open window, his hand careful not to disturb the orange-peeled paint on the door. “Hey ladies, mind helping a poor guy who’s lost? Ev’ry road I’ve taken’s blocked off.”

Mary Jane swung her arm like a car show model and pointed to a parking lot up the road about a block. “None the roads lead smack dab into the park.”

It annoyed Kit how her mother changed her tone, her dialect depending on the kind of man who tried picking her up.

“Not with all them condos they’re puttin’ up.” Mary Jane pouted like Marilyn Monroe, she was almost her doppelganger.

Kenny sported a sly but somehow dopey smile. "Don’t suppose you’d wanna hop on in and show me ‘round?”

"I can durn do better'n that."

Kit rolled her eyes, knowing exactly what was coming next. And sure enough, her mother reached into her pocket and pulled it out. "Well, lookee here," Mary Jane said. "See, here's where we are now, right here, you can see the latitude and longitude displayed in the corner here. This is Long Pier Road right here, you take a left there where the statue is for the East parking lot, or go straight for the Central lot.

"Look here, parking's free in the East lot, but it's a ten minute walk to the park, while the Central lot is right next to the Ferris wheel, but you gotta pay five bucks to leave your car there. I'd recommend the East lot, but, whoa wait a minute; see, if I tap this, it says the East lot is full already so..."

Kit began to walk on toward the park. Ever since her mom bought that damned iPhone, she couldn't resist showing it off to any asshole who happened by.


Opening: Angela Robbins.....Continuation: anon.

Cartoon 788

Caption: anon.

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Holiday Shopping Guide

If you always find yourself at a loss for words when someone asks you what you want for Christmas, note that Evil Editor has added a few books to the Book Chat Schedule. I can't claim to have read any of them, but they have received critical acclaim and they sound good to me. Join us for a chat.

And if those don't sound like your cup of tea, Evil Editor's Store may have just what you want.

Face-Lift 846

Guess the Plot

Of Two or More Minds

1. Penta the Hydra's left head (Gil) summons a demon to rid himself of the right head (Sullie) who's hired a mad scientist to off him. When the demon and scientist team up and imprison them it's up to the middle head (Cal) to free them.

2. In half of his mind, Adrian believes he could make Regina happy, despite being a bisexual homophobe. But in the other half, he knows she won't be thrilled to find out he works for a pornographic video production company connected to a Salvadorian child prostitution ring.

3. Charlie the zombie could never do anything right. Instead of just eating brains, he's been gulping down the minds as well. Now he's afflicted with multiple personality syndrome. Can he find a cure before two or more of the minds he's eaten talk him into chomping down on a head and getting hair between his teeth?

4. Kate knew exploring the haunted house at night was a bad idea. Now she has two ghosts possessing her body. One is out for revenge while the other just wants to live a normal life - and they're both in love with Kate.

5. Five-year-old Malcolm could barely read English when he started speaking Spanish, and Swahili and Sanskrit. Psychiatric consultations provide the explanation: three ancient spirits are feuding within Malcolm's mind. Can Malcolm's own mind take control . . . or has he already lost it?

6. When a photo booth generates an exact double of 15 year-old Yin Chee, she thinks it's the solution to her problems. She can party while her double keeps up with the grueling study regime that her parents force on her. Trouble is, her mind simultaneously occupies both bodies. And when her double spontaneously splits, her mind gets shared between three Yins.



Original Version

Dear Evil and expanding evilness:

Query for novel "Of Two or More Minds"

Adrian's friends attempt a shakedown of his boss by stealing an illegal adult film and threatening to turn it over to authorities. This leaves the sexually confused theater manager playing both sides; [Not clear whether Adrian or his boss is the theater manager.] earnestly trying to prove his loyalty to the company while reluctantly pocketing his share of the stolen cash. [What stolen cash? It was a film they stole. Did the guy pay them off? Usually when someone says a shakedown was attempted, I assume it failed. Otherwise the writer would have just said they shook him down. Why does Adrian get a share? Was he in on the theft? When a guy has something illegal and you steal it from him, you now have something illegal. Seems like you're the one potentially in trouble now. And if he buys the item back, does that make the payment stolen cash?] Actually, Adrian distrusts Lou Davis, his boss, but doesn't know the porn operator had partnered with a Web-based video production company deeply connected to a Salvadorian child prostitution ring. [If you're gonna partner with a child prostitution ring, make it a Guatemalan child prostitution ring or a Nicaraguan child prostitution ring. Anything but a Salvadorean child prostitution ring.] [How come whether I spell it Salvadorean or Salvadorian or Salvadoran, Blogger doesn't tell me it's misspelled? Apparently you can spell it any way you want. Salutatorian. Slovenian. Slobodan Milosevic. Christ, everything works. In El Salvador, spelling bees never end.] He doesn't know Lou's partners had already gained control of the business by turning Lou's weakness against him. Adrian was soon to get set up the same way but gets off much easier, [The younger you are, the easier it is to get off.] the blackmail only having destroyed his half-serious engagement to Regina, [You're dumping me? Just because I'm a blackmailer tangentially involved with child pornography?] his best friend and lover. But he could rationalize that as the fair outcome. A bisexual homophobe not much for sharing is probably not the reliable lover she wanted so to believe. [And probably not the main character we wanted so to cheer for.] Even if he wanted just as much to believe. Belief, it seemed, could be complete in just half of one's mind.


Notes

Half of my mind believes this is a hoax. The other half wants to believe it's a hoax.

But just in case it isn't, it needs clarity, it needs paragraphing, and it needs to focus on the Adrian/Regina relationship. If Adrian loves Regina and has no idea he works for a porn producer and then he finds out, but his criminal bosses threaten to kill him if he quits . . . Nah. I don't see anything making us want to root for a homophobic blackmailer who is torn about remaining loyal to a company connected with child porn. I recommend putting this novel in a trunk and writing one about kittens.

If you want to make money by stealing, it's kind of stupid to steal from a criminal involved in a sleazy racket. You could end up sleeping with the fishes. Better to steal from a little old lady, so you only have to worry about the police.

Cartoon 787

Caption: Paul Penna

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

New Beginning 810

Once two horses pulled the Plough, and the ploughboy stumbled behind over clods and lumps of meteor, but now only the patient gelding walks the furrows of night, and both the boy and his mare are gone.

This is how it happened.

The boy goaded the mare once too often, perhaps, or maybe a shooting star stung her hindquarters, but in any case, one night, with the Plough wheeling over Lincolnshire and the land far below huddled under snow and ice, she stopped hauling the Plough, and turned her head over her shoulder.

"Get up," the boy said. He leaned into the frame, one hand gripping the lash tighter. His gaze took in the mare's broad, sweaty back.

"Why?" said the mare.

The gelding nipped her shoulder. "We must."

Ears back, she said, again, "Why?"

"The humans." The gelding glanced back toward the boy. "The humans will be angry."

"In the name of Pegasus!" the mare said. "Look at the size of us compared to the size of them! For pity's sake, grow a pair, would you?"


Opening: BuffySquirrel.....Continuation: Anon.

Cartoon 786

Caption: ril

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Face-Lift 845

To Have a Revolution

1. Or not to have one -- that is the question for Ingrid Paddington, college freshman. She has terrifying quantities of homework due soon, but the world is in an awful state and her new boyfriend makes revolution sound like the best time ever.

2. One man's valiant attempt to conjugate a verb: I have a revolution, you have a revolution, he/she/it has a revolution...

3. In order to get medicine that will slow his sister's zombification, Ion agrees to help Nadia and her team of Romanian revolutionaries by killing the government's dragon. But what Ion doesn't know (because Nadia "forgot" to mention it) is that killing the dragon may zombify him.

4. First, you need a motivated populace (or friends like Joey and Vik). Next, a way to throw off the secret police (easy - your tattle-tale brother has the hots for easily bribed Missy Smith). Last, a decoder ring - but the despised leader has banned Cracker Jack, so we're stuck.

5. It’s not the king's fault an earthquake left most of his people homeless and hungry. Or that his son gambled away the emergency fund. Or that his queen insists that fabulous-looking royalty keeps morale up. Or that his daughter’s lavish coming-of-age party was planned months ago, and canceling would break her heart. So why are the peasants sharpening the guillotine blade?

6. Emo twins Jared and Jason are convinced that being 15 in Mountain View is the worst possible fate. To destroy the hopelessness of the Silicon Valley, they foment a revolution at elite Berkeley Academy. Only one problem--the teachers are more into the revolution thing than the kids.



Original Version

Dear EE & Minions,

In an alternate communist Romania filled with dangerous magic, a magically gifted youth must use the abilities he fears to overthrow the government--and the power secretly controlling it.

Over the past few months, Ion Popescu has watched his sister begin to transform into a strigoi, the zombie-like creatures that people become when they use magic objects. [Watch me pull a rabbit out of my ha-- Braaaiiinns!] Ion can’t stop the transformation, but he can delay the inevitable. Determined to prolong her human life as long as possible, he seeks out black market contacts who will give him medicine to slow the transformation in exchange for magic talismans. But although he trades talismans, he wouldn’t dream of using them. [Why would anyone use them? Is there any advantage to becoming a strigoi?] [Is that pronounced strig oy or strig wah? The good thing about just calling them zombies is that everyone knows how to pronounce zombie.] So why do his market contacts, his best friend, and a mysterious girl all suddenly seem to think he’s using the talismans himself? [Possibly because he's now buying underwear in extra large.]

The mysterious girl is Nadia Luca, a member of a conspiracy of revolutionaries plotting to overthrow the government. She believes that Ion has skill, an innate magic ability that enables him to use some talismans safely. She’s been looking for someone like Ion: someone with enough skill to use the talisman weapon the revolutionaries have acquired. The weapon is strong enough to kill the dragon that the government is secretly using to transform and control the strigoi army--thus overthrowing the government, freeing the strigoi, and stopping the transformations for good. But what Nadia doesn’t tell Ion is that the revolutionaries have their own plans for the strigoi army. She also doesn’t tell him that even with his skill, using the talisman weapon could very well mean Ion will end up as part of the strigoi army himself. [That's it? What about Dracula? You've set the novel in Romania and Dracula's not in it? That's like setting your novel in Gotham City and not including Batman. You have a zombie army instead of a vampire army? Is that what the revolutionaries want the zombie army for? To take on Dracula's vampire army? If so, may I suggest a title change? Zombies VS. Vampires: War of the Undead.]

To Have a Revolution is a fantasy novel set in an alternate version of 1989 Romania and complete at 75,000 words.

I am a freelance writer and have published nonfiction articles in various print and online magazines. I lived in Romania for a year in 2004 and am proficient in Romanian. This is my first novel.

Thanks for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


Notes

You start by saying people transform into zombie-like creatures when they use magic objects. This suggests that it's common knowledge that using magic zombiates you. But at the end you make the point that Nadia didn't tell Ion that he might zombiate if he used their magic talisman. Shouldn't he know this without being told?

Nadia is the one who believes Ion has an innate ability to use magic without zombing. If Ion believed that, he wouldn't be so afraid of using magic. Yet at the end, it seems Ion is willing to use magic, while Nadia has decided Ion might zomb. They've both changed their positions?

I can see Nadia changing her position if she discovers she was wrong about Ion having used talismans, but Ion? If Ion's sister is zombomorphing, I would think it would be doubly hard to convince him that he has an innate ability to not zombomorph, as "innate" means inherited, congenital.

The question of why everyone suddenly thinks Ion is using talismans is worth answering in the query, as it seems to explain why Ion is in demand.

Cartoon 785

Caption: John

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

Sunday Feature 15

The 1st Ever Witch Guess the Plot Quiz

Witches have made numerous appearances in fake plots over the years, but five of the following were the actual plots of minions' novels. Witch Which five?


1. Lucia is never going to get her cookbook entry completed in time - without a chrono-spell. Is a Betty Crocker Bake-Off Award worth destroying the fabric of time?

2. What starts as an itchy back turns into two wings, and Rose Nesbit's dream of becoming a witch disappears. Instead of casting the spells, she's running - or rather flying – away from them.

3. Black-hatted, wart-chinned Esmeralda Grue was shunned by everybody...until her recipe for Buffalo Wings appeared in Gourmet magazine. Now everyone's angling for an invitation to her Super Bowl party, but Esmeralda's out for revenge.

4. Thanks to a centuries-old curse, if literature teacher Fortessa Stein doesn't find a husband within six weeks, she'll have to marry a man chosen by a guy named Milt.

5. When pilot Andy Martin, guest speaker at the annual witches convention, suggests that wings are more efficient than broomsticks, he soon finds himself tossed into a cauldron of boiling brew.

6. As an ex-nun on the run, there are two choices for Jayne deWynter in the warren of dark alleys that make up the Black Heart district. She decides being a black witch in training is too reminiscent of the Church, while being a pole dancing stripper at least has shorter work hours.

7. Enid Whiffleton was the sorriest teenager in Littleville until she ate a basketful of calendula blossoms and acquired magical powers of canine bewitchment. Now she's the proud owner of the Twelve Dog Flying Trapeze Circus. But will she complete her destiny by finding love in the arms of her arch-rival, lion-tamer Thor Jones?

8. Bitsy Binter finds a magic book and decides to become a witch. Will her garden club friends still want her around when they see the size of her dahlias? Or will what she can do for their husbands make up for everything?

9. "My mother's coming to visit. Can't you get a decent job? Aren't those storm shutters up yet? When I think of all the men I could have married!" Mort Gumpler's wife, Pootsie, is an irritation, but she's worth six million, so he's willing to . . . Suffer the Witch.

10. Winters were long and hard, but it turns out that witches burn even longer than oak wood in the fires of Turner Hall. The villagers will survive until Spring!

11. Octavia Tizano needs only one more ingredient for her Unquenchable Love Potion: ear of twit. This would be easy if she could just travel by night and pilfer one, but it has to be a gift. And what kind of person would give away his ear?

12. Fourteen-year-old Allyson wants to die--her friends have just discovered that her Mom is a witch. Now everyone wants her to tell their fortunes. But what is she going to do when Josh Dryton, her secret crush, comes for a session?

13. When he was a kid, Don Venolia thought that all moms wore drifty scarves and muttered into crystal balls. Now he's fifteen and his medium mother is just weird - especially when she sets up her tent in the middle of the school soccer field. She says that disaster is coming, but for Don, the real disaster is his mother.

14. Ginger could be using her new-found witchcraft abilities to make 80-yard field goals for the football team; instead she has to rescue her soccer mom from the evil Ghouligans, who've kidnapped her and the other witches.

15. A seance sounds like fun, right? RIGHT? Well, not for Snotgurgle Mcflop. It's bad enough he has a mom who plays soccer, but when his mother decides to take a class on Basic Witchery, what's a troll to do? Eat her, of course!

16. Ace homicide detective Zack Martinez sneezes halfway through telling Sgt. Shamrock they need a "calendar witch" who can alter time if they ever want a day off, and presto! A magical hippie chick appears, contaminating the crime scene with flower petals and enchanted glitter dust. She is horrified to see a corpse lying there with an ice pick in his head and quickly re-animates it. Trouble ensues.

17. When her parents die in a car crash, twelve year old Mary Gold will do anything to keep her siblings from going into foster care . . . even witchcraft. But she's not very good at it, and when a love potion goes terribly wrong in the school cafeteria, hilarity ensues. Can Mary learn enough witchcraft to keep Child Services from splitting up her family?

18. The spells of a young witch named Katya's have been backfiring lately. She heads to Siberia, aided by trolls and werewolves, to save her family and home from the evil shaman who cursed her father. Also, a half-vampire.

19. When Dorothea enters the local spelling bee, she thinks she'll be studying the dictionary. Much to her shock, she discovers that the bee isn't about spelling words, it's about casting spells. And with competition in the form of wicked twin witches, she's going to have to be the best speller around.

20. When her assistant at the magical research laboratory is injured and hospitalized, Callie investigates, discovering that the hospital is a locus of pure evil. The good news is that she rescues her assistant. The bad news is that her closest friends kidnap her baby daughter. Is Callie witch enough to defeat the forces aligned against her?

21. In Rothshire Village, young girls are sent to the witches' castle when they reach puberty. Those that are found not to be witches are killed. When Gwendolyn and Heather find out they are indeed witches, they jump for joy. But their BFF Yvonne is not a witch. Can G and H pool their power to overcome the old hags who run the castle and save Yvonne?

22. Becca has always been heavy. The summer before senior year, she plans to attend Camp Weight-A-Spell, a weight-loss camp famous for its astounding success stories. What she doesn't know is that Margie, the camp's director is a witch, and her "diet shakes" are actually magic potions that quite literally melt away the pounds.

23. After setting the governor's tie on fire, Alice is sentenced to be executed. She is sent to Gallows Hill. There, a group of dead witches stalk her dreams and plot to kill her. That was one hell of a tie.

24. Wounded in battle, Steve Logan is dying when a "nurse" stanches the bleeding with a spell. Is this the beginning of a beautiful romance, or will Steve be unable to deal with the fact that his true love is a witch, sort of like Darren didn't want Sam doing magic on Bewitched?




Answers Below




The real plots are numbers
4, 14, 18, 20, 23

Saturday Film Series

MerPeople!

The 1st Ever
MerPeople
Guess the Plot
Quiz

Mermaids and mermen have appeared occasionally in fake plots over the years. But four of the plots below were the actual plots of minions' novels. Which four?


1. Kyle designed the Mermaid Virus to trail bubbles across random office monitors and to relieve boredom. But when the saucy fish-tail starts skimming the managers' accounts and transferring the money to orphanages, cancer research, and Save the Whales, Kyle isn't sure if he's created a monster or an angel.

2. When he gets into salt water, Garrett sprouts gills and a scaly tail and becomes a merman. What will his girlfriend Frances say when she finds out?

3. Medieval woodcutter Eldrid Svenson learned everything the hard way. If he didn't accidentally offend some belligerent tyrant, he was trying to appease a dragon or an elf. And when his parents insist he choose a bride and settle down, he sails toward Greenland in pursuit of the beautiful mermaid Marina Nox.

4. When her ship sinks, a US Navy sailor finds herself miraculously transformed into a mermaid. Before she can even swim back to the US, she undergoes yet another transformation, this time into an inhuman goddess of the sea, heiress to all its wealth, and as cruel as its laws of survival.

5. For years, virologist Lyle Bodecker has been studying a mysterious disease that transforms women into near-duplicates of Daryl Hannah during the filming of Splash. Now he's announced he's on the verge of finding a cure. Can he be stopped in time?

6. As little girls are encouraged to dream of becoming astronauts, doctors, and bus drivers, the number of qualified fairy princesses grows smaller each year--until Charlemagne Smythe takes charge and starts outsourcing to mermaids and witches.

7. When a dead mermaid with open sores washes up on the beach it causes a media frenzy. Can Dr. Michaels stop the plague she carries from spreading to humanity--before Arnold Toole convinces everyone that eating mermaid flesh grants immortality?

8. She claims to be a mermaid and although most people would be skeptical because she uses a submarine instead of swimming, crewman Digby believes it and lets her aboard the Sea Guppy. Hilarity ensues.

9. In a village famous for its seafood and its smell, Kayla's scientist parents are studying a mysterious virus that kills one teen-aged girl per year. When her parents suddenly die, Kayla must finish their work before she becomes the next victim of . . . The Mermaid Virus. Also, Rastafarian surfers.

10. Navy SEAL Hank Deadle knows he and his badass comrades are the best of the best . . . until they start growing iridescent green tails. Could it have anything to do with that top-secret medical research project funded by Disney that they volunteered for?

11. Nissy is the mermaid in charge of keeping Neptune's oysters happily making fine pearls. When young Danny Banks dives too near the pearls, she stops him before Neptune can order him killed. Can she get him home without arousing the King's suspicions?

12. Madison wakes up on the beach and discovers that her hair has lost its natural curl. Also, that she's become a mermaid. The bad news is, her boyfriend may not be able to handle it. The good news is, she has gained the power to command the ocean's waves, which is much cooler than having a boyfriend.

13. The merpeople are almost ready to take over the world and wipe out humanity with their water sorcery. Meteorologist Fenwick Jones is the only one who can stop them. But will he do so when the merman king offers him his beautiful daughter if he stays mum until the merfolk institute a worldwide fishocracy?

14. When fishermen in Nova Scotia land a mermaid, they think they've hit the jackpot--until they're stricken with a mysterious illness that makes them unable to breathe except while underwater. Can fish pathologist Hank Walley decipher the genetic code of this nightmare virus and identify a cure in time to save himself? Or must he, too, soon be tanked?


Answers below





The real books are numbers

2, 4, 9, and 12.

Cartoon 784

Caption: Anon.

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

Guess the Title

Thanksgiving being a day we celebrate by eating, I've taken the subtitles of ten food-and-drink-related books that are for sale online from Barnes and Noble. Your job is to guess which title goes with each subtitle.



The One! The Only! Guide to Cooking on Your Car Engine!

Gourmet Grill
Manifold Destiny
Radiator Roadkill
Carburetor Cuisine
The Six-Cylinder Superchef
On the Road . . . With Meatloaf and Steak Fries


Recipes and Rants

The Cranky Chef
Kristen Nelson Cooks!
Bitchin In The Kitchen
Gordon Ramsay's Fuckfest
The Crabby Cook Cookbook
Frost My Chocolates and Roast My Butt


Drinking Games for Times You'll Never Remember with Friends You'll Never Forget

Shit Faced
The Imbible
Pickle My Liver
Beer Pong and Beyond
Wasted and No Remembrance
George W. Bush’s Guide to College


Recipes for Self-Loathing

Humble Pies
Bevittle Yourself
Eat Your Feelings
The Blimp in the Mirror
The Sylvia Plath Cookbook
How Sharp is Your Chef's Knife?


Grim and Ghastly Recipes for the Gruesome Gourmand

Awful Offal
First, Peel the Otter
Ghoulish Gastronomy
The Zombie Cookbook
The Brains are the Best Part
When I Asked You to Bring Me Some Grub, I Didn't Mean it Literally


Have Your Best Friend for Dinner

Poached Pooch
The Pet Cookbook
The Culinary Cannibal
The Donner Party Recipes
The Cuisine of Papua New Guinea
Hannibal Lecter’s Guide to Entertaining


A Philosopher's Guide to Wine

Plato on Pinot
Vintage Insights
Que Syrah Syrah
Descartes Decanted
I Drink Therefore I Am
The Transcendental Oenophile


The Art of Miserable Meal Making

Just Nuke It
When I Cook, They Run
Last Meals in the Worst Prisons on Earth
The Cat Food Commission's Gourmet Automat
The Gray Ground Meat and Brown Vegetable Cookbook
The Worse I Cook, The More He Takes Me Out to Dinner


Hold the Mayo, Muffy--I'm Feeling Miracle Whipped Tonight

Deli Delights
Condiment Love
Sandwich Frenzy
The Ellora's Cave Cook Book
How to Eat Like a Republican
There's Something About Reuben


Thirty Eight Lip-Smackin' Meals Men Can Cook in the Garage...Using Their Own Tools!

Me Hungry
Cook Like A Stud
Man Cave Recipes
Eat This--I Dare Ya!
Who Needs a Kitchen?
Grab a plate! It’s Hammertime!




Answers below



Fake titles were submitted by Dave F., Angela Robbins, Khazar-khum, anon., Faceless Minion, Slush, Steve Prosapio, Evil Editor, Marissa Doyle, BuffySquirrel, Madison, and Maureen.



Actual Book Titles:

Manifold Destiny
The Crabby Cook Cookbook
The Imbible
Eat Your Feelings
First, Peel the Otter
The Pet Cookbook
I Drink Therefore I Am
When I Cook, They Run
How to Eat Like a Republican
Cook-Like-A-Stud

Cartoon 783

Caption: McKoala

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

New Beginning 809

Doctor Johnathan Harker fastened the couplings on the government issue gloves he had been given. There was a subtle hiss as the suit pressurized. He sat still and inhaled slowly, as he had been taught, to avoid oxygen deprivation while the suit switched over to its internal supply.

Harker made a conscious effort to avoid looking out the twin portholes on either side of him. It was ironic. He had counseled dozens of men on the stresses of space-agoraphobia and yet he had somehow developed an acute fear of it himself. It all boiled down to a fear of the unknown.

That’s a healthy fear, Harker thought as he thumbed at the screen mounted on the back of his glove. The ISA logo illuminated within the polished black surface. Government jobs tended to pay the best. They also tended to be the most full of bureaucracy and bullshit.

The logo on the glove display faded and was replaced with the message: Please key in your employee ID. Harker fumbled the 12 digit number twice on the tiny keypad, and got it right the third time.

The display faded and then provided another message: IMPORTANT: Do not use this interface device while in motion (REG 1.34.5542.3)

Obviously. He tapped the 'OK' button.

Contacting host...

Harker waited while his wrist-con registered with the central mainframe to authorise his sojourn outside.

IMPORTANT: You training records indicate you are authorised to undertake class 1, 2 or 5 maintenance work only (Reg 1.34.8854.5823).

This was a class 2 job. Simple. 'OK'.

Confirming authorisation...

Harker double-checked his tool belt.

Authorised.

Downloading work instructions...

Pages of text and diagrams scrolled across the tiny screen. Although he'd undergone hours of intensive training for this task, it was deemed important to have the manual to hand.

Ready to Proceed.

Please confirm the airlock door is clear on both sides before opening (Reg 1.34.9981.4334).

'OK'.

Requesting lock release. Please stand by.

Yeah, yeah. Standing by.

Lock release authorisation granted per Reg 1.34.5542.5549.

Good.

Ready to activate door release mechanism. Please ensure once more access area is clear.

Duh, it's clear. Still. 'OK'.

NOTE: You are responsible for the safety of yourself and others when carrying out external maintenance work (Reg 1.34.7769.0112). Remember: Safety First! (Reg 1.34.7769.0113)

Yes. 'OK'.

WARNING: Suit oxygen supply dangerously low! Aborting mission!

Fuck it.


Opening: Nick Berggreen.....Continuation: Anon.

Cartoon 782

Caption: Anon.

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

Face-Lift 844

Guess the Plot

The Keeper

1. After Jenny trades Susie her favorite doll for a cookie she starts to have second thoughts. She begs Susie to give her back the doll. But there are no trade-backs with . . . The Keeper.

2. Sarah hates working at the family-owned cemetery. Who wants to cut grass and pick weeds over dead people? But then comes the day she falls into an open grave and finds the cast iron gates and the handsome boy who introduces himself as . . . The Keeper.

3. Betsy Charm's never had a boyfriend that didn't kiss and tell. When she meets Gary Simon she thinks she may have finally found a keeper. Now there's just the small issue that he's sworn off romance because his last girlfriend was heir to a fantasy world empire . . . that's now invading.

4. When she lived in ancient Egypt, Mal was the Keeper, the person assigned to protect the Buddhist flags that foretell the coming of a Tibetan demon. She died protecting the flags, and then she killed herself hundreds more times, but now she's back on Earth, and she'll stop at nothing to find the flags and bring them to America.

5. On her vacation in Aruba, a young woman falls in love with a stranger visiting the island on business. When he abruptly ends their summer fling, she imprisons him in a B&B cottage run by her demented grandmother. Meanwhile his fiancée begins a search for a missing groom to be.

6. When hillbilly boy genius Buddy Boone loses 132 golf balls in the sand trap known as "The Keeper," he knows this defies the laws of physics. He digs into the sand and discovers The Keeper is a time warp, but can he convince the buzzing hairy space creatures that his mother is calling and they must send him back to the 21st century?



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Seventeen-year-old Mal knows exactly how many seconds it takes to drown. After all, she's killed herself hundreds of times since she arrived in the Valley, an isolated landscape between the world of the living and the world of the dead. Breaking the Habit of drowning is Mal's only concern; that is, until memories begin to resurface, [It's Mal who needs to resurface, if she really wants to break the Habit of drowning.] [Why are we capitalizing "Habit"?] flashes of a previous life in ancient Egypt and the set of prayer flags she died trying to protect.

When Mal is reassigned to a body on earth, she is determined to find the prayer flags and bring them safely back to America. Disguised as a study abroad student, [She hasn't been on Earth for thousands of years; why does she need a disguise? Who's gonna recognize her?] she travels to a remote village in Nepal, [What did you mean by, "she's reassigned to a body"? Some guy is walking along and suddenly someone else has been assigned to his body, someone who insists on going to Nepal? What if this guy already had plans for the evening?] living in a dorm room near the base of the Himalayas. She never expects to find friends. [You mean she doesn't expect to make friends? Or she finds friends from ancient Egypt? Or friends from the Valley?] She never expects to fall for Damian, the handsome Russian student whom she's not sure she can trust. [Instead of wondering whether to use "who" or "whom," use neither.] But most of all Mal never expects to find out the truth about her life in Egypt, the Pharaoh, and the prophecy that drives it all - a prophecy inscribed in the symbols of Buddhist prayer flags, foretelling the rise of an ancient Tibetan demon. [You could save a lot of space by telling us she finds friends, falls for Damian, and finds the secrets of life, instead of repeating that she didn't expect any of this.] Aided by her newfound friends, the advice of a monk, and only a moderate dose of sarcasm, Mal must come to terms with the past if there is any hope of protecting the future.

Complete at 84,000 words, THE KEEPER is aimed at a YA audience. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


[Author's note (not part of query): The Keeper is the person assigned to protect the prayer flags.]


Notes

It's claimed that Mal is seventeen, but I can't tell if that means she has taken over the body of a seventeen-year-old, or she was seventeen when she died in ancient Egypt, or something else.

The last time Mal was on Earth, there was no America. And the prayer flags were in Egypt. So what's with taking the prayer flags back to America?

How can flags that existed two or three millenia ago be found? Wouldn't they have disintegrated by now?

Those are just plot points that can be addressed or not; the main problem is that this is all over the place. You need to focus on the main plot. What is Mal's mission? To find the flags and get them to America? Why does she want to do this? What happens if she fails? Who wants her to fail? What's her plan?

I don't think we need this stuff about drowning hundreds of times. Or the dorm room or the Russian. Thousands of years after she died in Egypt she's back on Earth, and it's up to her to save us all from a Tibetan demon. If that's the story, keep the query focused on it.

Cartoon 781

Caption: anon.

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

New Beginning 808

“I HATE YOU!” she shouts as she approaches the stop, chasing the retreating bus a few yards before admitting defeat and strutting back to the shelter. Cassandra’s golden hair streams down her back, the rain makes her dress cling to her curves and her tall shoes enhance her feminine legs and her models’ walk.

She wishes.

In reality she mutters profanities as the bus vanishes into the distance. She’ll be even later for the party now.Her dress clings to her like the skin clings to an old sausage and her new heels are too high and difficult to walk in with any sort of grace. Or walk in at all. And they are giving her blisters. In fact they are 99% of the reason she missed the bus in the first place, (the other 1% being the not too undesirable, incredibly rugged carpenter fixing her banister). Her (reddish) blonde hair streams down her back - that was at least partly accurate in her idealised fantasy. Ignoring, of course,that it is still bunched up into the ponytail she slept in.

In her dreams.

In actuality, she wouldn't have run after the bus at all if the driver hadn't deliberately swerved into a puddle, sending a plume of water over the shopping cart that held her life's possessions. And her real name isn't Cassandra, though she thinks of herself as such.

Yeah, right.

"Madge!" She freezes and turns toward the source of the voice. "Madge! Come here! Stop chasing the buses you stupid thing!" She lets out a brief "Yip!" and trots back toward her owner. Isn't her fault that Retrievers have a short attention--

Scatalogical punchline.

Ooh, interesting turd. Sniff, sniff. Definitely not one of mine.


Opening: Naomi.....Continuation: Anon.

Cartoon 780

Caption: Anon.

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

Success Story

BuffySquirrel reports that her short story "Snow Cat" (New Beginning 643) has been accepted for publication in Andromeda Spaceways Inflight Magazine (ASIM).

Sunday Feature 14

Still More
Cartoons for
Super-Intellectuals

Caption: Paul Penna

Caption: EE, inspired by WO

Caption: Paul Penna & EE

Caption: Paul Penna

Caption: Paul Penna

Caption: EE, inspired by Paul Penna

Saturday Film Series