Tuesday, December 07, 2010

New Beginning 812

Ever made a fatal mistake? No wait. Let me answer that for you. ‘Not yet.’ Yep. That’s right. There’s still time. For you.

After all that happened, who’d’a thunk one little thing would totally ruin my wedding dress. Do you know how hard it is to get blood out of organza? Don’t even go there with the silk. My God, the silk. Yeah. Impossible. But I had to try, ‘cause darling, it was my Big Day.

Was being the operative word here. Never did kiss that man of mine while the seriously cute preacher… Oh chile, did I mention he was cute? Well I never did get to hear him say ‘husband and husband’. What a waste. Ha ha. Waste. I kill myself. Well shit, I actually did. But not intentionally, you know.

And now I’m stuck here in these pages talking to you. Lord knows why. But he’s not telling me. Not today. Maybe tomorrow. Who am I kidding? He doesn’t talk to us newbies. Just sends these hired goons in white and looking all angelic until you tell them ‘no’. Then the proverbial shit hits the fan and explodes all over the damn place.

God, Nigel, you are such a drama queen. All you did was prick your finger on the corsage. You'll live. As for your "hired goons" -- sorry, gents -- they're the caterers. And that over there in the chocolate fountain? It's chocolate, not proverbial shit.

Now pull yourself together and let's get this ceremony over with before I waste you.

Opening: Sarah Laurenson.....Continuation: anon.


Evil Editor said...

Unchosen continuation:

But enough about working for Evil Editor. Let's get back to my wedding!


Anonymous said...

Belligerent voice. Seems to be his own worst problem. Not sure wtf he's talking about. Don't really care.

Mother (Re)produces. said...

I'm absolutely intrigued, but also found the voice a bit weird. You try so hard to establish it- kind of too hard. It gets repetitive and wordy instead of telling us what's going on, and in spite of all the clues, they are contradictory and I can't tell who's talking.

But I'd read on...

Anonymous said...

I like the second para the best. I'd go for that voice over the others. I didn't like the word newbie. Not sure why but it just sounded off to me. And I don't like the stuck in these pages device--is that necessary? Is the dead person actually stuck in book?

You've got our interest!

Evil Editor said...

I don't find the tone consistent. The middle two paragraphs sound like Nathan Lane in The Birdcage, except that he wouldn't have used terms like "yeah," "chile," "who'd'a thunk." Those sound more like Jethro on The Beverly Hillbillies.

The first and 4th paragraphs don't have the same tone, although the "Yep" sounds like Jed Clampett.

No need to say both "Yep" and "That's right" in p.1.

Not sure what letters that second apostrophe in who'd'a is replacing. I'd go with who'd a or who'd've.

Put quotation marks around "Was" in p.3.

Should "he's" be capitalized in p.4?

Dave F. said...

I think that you are trying too hard. I think that you should open with just one sentence and not attempt the dialog with the reader. The same in the fourth paragraph that talks about someone else -- not the speaker or the main character. It seems to address the reader and gossips about the author:
And now I’m stuck here in these pages talking to you.
I think a character doing that this early in a story is annoying.

Like Maybe:
Ever made one of those ugly fatal mistakes that just destroys your day?

Who would think that one little thing would totally ruin my wedding dress. Do you know how hard it is to get blood out of organza? Don’t even go there with the silk. My God, silk stains are like impossible. But I tried, because darling, it was to be my Big Day.

I never did kiss that man of mine with the seriously cute preacher presiding. Did I mention he was cute? Well cute or not, he never did get to say ‘husband and husband’. What a laugh. I kill myself. Well shit, I actually did, kill myself. But not intentionally.

Anonymous said...

In my mind people who say "darling" and "Don't even go there with the silk" are not the same people who say "who'd'a thunk", and "chile" is another person altogether. In fact, I began to think at least four different people were speaking here.

Even if this is one person's natural speech pattern and you wrote it down verbatim (unlikely given the ending) the point is that it doesn't ring true on the page.

As a beginning, all this disembodied talk is too confusing. Your hook is that someone managed to kill himself just before his wedding - possibly even on his way down the aisle in a white silk dress - let us see that because it sounds interesting.

arhooley said...

The stops and starts annoyed me.

And organza can be made of silk -- in fact if you've got any silk in the dress, the organza is probably silk -- so I'm not sure whether the organza and the silk are two things or one. You might have meant the organza and the chiffon, or the organza and the georgette, or the organza and the taffeta or jersey or shantung or pongee or whatever. But they would still all be silk. On top of that, organic stains are relatively easy to get out of silk -- cottons and synthetics are hell.

BuffySquirrel said...

All over the damn place is right. Focus!

150 said...

This has about four different opening paragraphs. Pick one and commit. There seems to be some interesting content here but it's like hacking through thorns to get to it.

chelsea said...

I think you could do without the first paragraph. The second para was the one that sucked me in. In fact, I liked the second one a lot.

There were a couple of things in the third that I think could be simplified. The sentence beginning "Never did kiss that man" doesn't have an ending. And maybe I'm still waking up, but why is the word "waste" so funny to the narrator? Because he wasted himself? If so, that and "I kill myself" are essentially the same joke.

As for the fourth para, the narrator continues digressing to make jokes to himself and at this point it's just distracting from the story. Also, is he literally in the pages? If not, I think "And now I'm stuck here talking to you" would suffice. Lastly, I think you could go right from "But he's not telling me." to "He doesn't talk to us newbies."

I hope that wasn't discouraging. I really loved the voice in para two, and the premise is definitely intriguing. I just think (some of) the voice is getting in the way of the action.

Ellie said...

I agree that you seem to be trying too hard and have too many different openings mashed into one. That said, there's a definite gem in there somewhere -- I did laugh at the opening being all, "Have you ever made a fatal mistake? Obviously not, if you're alive to read this. Well, let me tell YOU what."

Pare it down -- waaaaaaaay down -- and you'll be well on your way. As the great Miss Snark said about comic touches, "Like perfume, too much is cloying."

Chicory said...

I haven't read the other comments yet, so maybe these things have already been addressed.

I don't think the first paragraph really adds anything. The opening to paragraph 2 is much more interesting.

Also, the white wedding dress coupled with `husband and husband' has me confused.

batgirl said...

I had the same problem with the inconsistent voice. Also, I had a hard time fitting the narrator's presented personality - the over-the-top stereotypical drag queen - with someone who would make the serious commitment to marry in a church. That may be just my own stereotypes in play, though.

Sarah Laurenson said...

Chelsea - "waste" is sort of a gay joke. Actually, it's what straight women might say about gay men.