Ever made a fatal mistake? No wait. Let me answer that for you. ‘Not yet.’ Yep. That’s right. There’s still time. For you.
After all that happened, who’d’a thunk one little thing would totally ruin my wedding dress. Do you know how hard it is to get blood out of organza? Don’t even go there with the silk. My God, the silk. Yeah. Impossible. But I had to try, ‘cause darling, it was my Big Day.
Was being the operative word here. Never did kiss that man of mine while the seriously cute preacher… Oh chile, did I mention he was cute? Well I never did get to hear him say ‘husband and husband’. What a waste. Ha ha. Waste. I kill myself. Well shit, I actually did. But not intentionally, you know.
And now I’m stuck here in these pages talking to you. Lord knows why. But he’s not telling me. Not today. Maybe tomorrow. Who am I kidding? He doesn’t talk to us newbies. Just sends these hired goons in white and looking all angelic until you tell them ‘no’. Then the proverbial shit hits the fan and explodes all over the damn place.
My God, Nigel, you are such a drama queen. All you did was prick your finger on the corsage. You'll live. As for your "hired goons" -- sorry, gents -- they're the caterers. And that over there in the chocolate fountain? It's chocolate, not proverbial shit.
Now pull yourself together and let's get this ceremony over with before I waste you.
Opening: Sarah Laurenson.....Continuation: anon.