Guess the Plot
1. Investigating a murder for the FBI, 17-year-old Taylor Pritchard follows the killer, Valafar, into a computer game, where she discovers she has been chosen as the guardian of the Nephilim. Now she must decide whether she'd rather be an FBI agent or spend the rest of her days fighting a religious war.
2. Eighth grader Valafar has a weird name. Since the first day of kindergarten he's been bullied and tortured by the Sues and Joes and Toms of the world. But he's found himself a magic jewel and now it's time for . . . Valafar's revenge.
3. Mt. Valafar is tired of the puny humans that inhabit its slopes and their deforestation, pollution, noise, and littering. Tomorrow there will be a surprise as it blows its top. We'll see how they like deadly gas and LAVA!!!!!!!!!!!!
4. It's not easy being the younger brother of a Disney villain. In Valafar's Revenge, follow the exploits of Jafar's feckless younger brother as he tries to finally get even with that miserable street rat Aladdin and with the Disney studio execs who passed him up for the lead bad guy in favor of his taller older brother.
5. When Valafar invents a delicious snack from the humble chickpea, he looks set to make a fortune. But his jealous twin brother, Falafel murders him and steals his recipe. Can Valafar's unquiet spirit return to take revenge on his brother's many descendants?
6. Nathan had heard of Montezuma's revenge. It's why he never strayed far from a bathroom on his trip to Mexico. But when he discovers on his trip to Iran that most of the bathrooms have two toilets, one directly opposite the other, he begins to suspect the horrible nature of . . . Valafar's Revenge.
Think Angelology meets Tron. [Who meets what? Here, you try one: Think brontology meets Zardoz.] With computer games, reality is in. [When I play a computer game, reality is out. I thought that was the whole point.] But when the hottest new release proves all too real and two of its players are found dead, FBI intern Taylor Prichard is plunged into an investigation that weaves a bizarre path back to her father’s work on the Dead Sea Scrolls and the Nephilim, the cursed children of fallen angels and human women.
My recently finished novel, VALAFAR’S REVENGE, is an 88,000-word supernatural young adult novel.
Seventeen-year-old Taylor has just landed the internship of her dreams – to shadow one of the FBI’s top investigators. [To me, shadowing someone means secretly following him.] But when she finally makes it onto a murder scene, the terrifying nightmare[s] and panic attacks she suffered when she was eleven suddenly return, and she worries that she might lose her mind along with her job.
When the killer strikes again, all evidence points to a computer game whose villains are the spawn of the ancient fallen angels, and to the teenage paraplegic game designer who created it, Jason Bindthall. [Are you saying evidence points to Jason as the killer or that evidence points to the video game villains? Because if she's worried her panic attacks might cost her her job, wait till she has this dialogue with her boss:
Boss: Three murders and we're not even close to solving them.
Taylor: Actually, sir, I've pretty much determined that the murderer is Sephiroth, from Final Fantasy VII.]
In her hunt for the killer, hunter becomes the hunted, and Taylor is forced to face the tragic secret from her past that inexorably links her to Jason Bindthall and to the Nephilim [, a secret which I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you.] She teams up with the game’s number-one player and pursues Valafar into the game itself. [Who or what is Valafar? The killer? If hunter has become hunted, I would expect Valafar to be pursuing Taylor, not the other way around.] But to defeat Valafar, Taylor must forever abandon her old life, her longtime dream of becoming an FBI agent, and accept her role as the chosen guardian of the Nephilim.
Valafar's Revenge is the first book in a series that will take Taylor, a descendant of the sorcerers of Enoch, on a journey to Beyul Pemako, the heart of the world, to release the Watchers and join her sisters in their war against the Nephilim. [She has sisters who are at war against the Nephilim, and she, the chosen guardian of the Nephilim, is going to join them in this war?] Told from multiple viewpoints, the novel would appeal to readers of Nancy Holder. [When you've finished describing a complicated and fantastical plot, it's not a good idea to tack on an additional paragraph about the sorcerers of Enoch, Beyul Pemako, and the Watchers, none of which has been mentioned previously.]
I have won numerous awards as a journalist, and have completed fiction writing courses as part of my B.S. degree in communications from the University of Maryland. I am a member the Writers Center in Bethesda, Maryland, and Washington Independent Writers (WIW), and have attended several writers’ conferences. I am a member of a critique group that has met for three years. [We don't need
I hope you will decide to represent me.
Lemme see if I've got this straight. Taylor gets an internship with the FBI. As she tags along with her boss on a murder investigation, she discovers that she is the chosen guardian of the Nephilim. Now, how are we gonna make this sound plausible so that an agent will want to read the book?
Possibly the best way is to leave out the fallen angels and the Dead Sea Scrolls until the end. Leave out the team-up with the game's best player. Taylor gets her dream job, she and her boss stumble onto a murder scene. So far so good. Now explain what evidence points to computer game villains who are the spawn of Nephilim, and how Taylor enters the game. At the end of the query you can mention Taylor's realization that she has a greater role to play in mankind's history than FBI agent.
Usually computer gaming is on the opposite side of the spectrum from religious stuff, by which I mean the target audience of Nephilim fans may not have a huge intersection with Tron fans. If you can connect these aspects of the story in the query it would help. For instance, is it an angel of God who enables Taylor to enter the computer game? Is the paraplegic game designer Satan?
What's the name of the game? That should be in here somewhere.