Face-Lift 843

Guess the Plot

Trial of the Heart

1. Jennifer is a family lawyer who specializes in divorce. David is a family lawyer who specializes in fathers' rights. Can they somehow overcome all odds while--oh, screw it. They hop in the sack the minute they meet and spend the rest of the book bitching about it.

2. Emily's family was killed by egotistical Conway Duke. As she fights for justice, Duke becomes seriously ill. Should she ease his suffering by forgiving him, or should she try to get his trial date moved up?

3. When a donor is found for her husband Mark, 51, Sarah is elated- until the next person on the list begs them to let her have the heart for her 13 year old son. Sarah is all set to flatly refuse, but Mark isn't. Can Sarah live with either decision? Can Mark? Can the reader, without barfing?

4. Detective Swanson says the murders were caused by the heart of Ignatius Trematode, which has been beating in a jar at the medical school for 28 years. But Prosecutor Umbridge is skeptical that a heart could poison Mrs. Trematode and cause her boyfriend to jump off a bridge . . . until Umbridge, himself, sleepwalks to the railing of that very same bridge. Then he schedules a trial and seeks the death penalty!

5. Internet scammer Joseph Nwoye falls in love with one of the rich American ladies he's been fleecing. She's sure to discover his deceptions--unless he can cover his lies by actually getting a job as CEO of the Bank of Nigeria. One man finds redemption through the love of a woman.

6. The Spleen had enough malice to commit perjury. The Kidneys were too bashful to take the stand. The Liver (“Lily”) refused to testify, even though she was the key witness. The Spine was nowhere to be seen. Only Large Intestine had the guts to speak out about what happened, at the . . . Trial of the Heart.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Emily Hennas has the power to ease a man’s suffering. Yet, that same man is responsible for murdering her family. After her husband, son and daughter are killed by a drunk driver, the egotistical Conway Duke, Emily is left alone to raise her youngest son. [While drunk drivers deserve no sympathy, we generally reserve the term "murder" for those who kill intentionally.] She moves to New York and faces the most difficult decision of her life: keep fighting for the justice her children deserves [deserve], or forgive Conway Duke for causing their deaths. [I don't think we need the first two sentences. They vaguely state what we get with more specificity later on. What we do need is an idea of what kind of justice Emily is seeking. Was there a trial? What punishment has Duke received? Surely he would have been charged with manslaughter.]

Driven by anger and survivor’s guilt, shadowed by the memory of her emotionally abusive husband, Emily engages in a legal fight hindered by an obsession for hoarding, [I don't know how a hoarding obsession hinders a legal fight, and the query is no place to explain it, so leave out the hoarding.] fears for her surviving child, and an overprotective brother. She forges an unlikely friendship with Nicholas Travane, a neighbor who at first embodies the arrogance of her dead husband. She’s attracted to Nick, but lays down unbendable rules for their friendship. Friendship is all it must be. She doesn’t want or need anything more. [Suddenly Nick remembers there's someplace else he needs to be.]

In one explosive moment, the legal battle ignites and changes course. Conway Duke becomes seriously ill, [Is that the explosive moment? Usually becoming seriously ill takes longer than one moment.] and might never face the justice for which Emily fights.

Trial of the Heart is the story of a mother’s love, a woman’s heart, and the obsession for justice. The work of women’s fiction is complete at 87,000 words. Would you be interested in seeing more?

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


Notes

You mention that Emily's decision is whether to forgive Conway, which has me expecting you to come back to the idea after Conway is seriously ill. Instead it sounds more like she's worried he'll die before she gets justice.

Wouldn't it be harder to get justice once you've moved to another state?

Nicholas isn't needed in this query. Emily has no romantic interest in him, and he has nothing to do with her fight for justice. Focus on Emily and her main conflict.

In one explosive moment, the legal battle ignites and changes course. To me, this is the hook, but it needs some elaboration. What happened?

Cartoon 779

Caption: Paul Penna

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New Beginning 807

"No air-conditioner? Why didn't I marry a rich girl so I could blow her fortune while she blew my mind in air-conditioned, five-star comfort? Why am I trying to make a living supplying stuntmen to a sci-fi movie about lizards? Why am I staking out exotic locations with dysenteric food, mosquitoes the size of bats and stinking locals who never bath?"

"Ah Sahib is perfectly welcome to marry my camel. Under her enchantments, Sahib will never worry about bad smells again," Raul, the pint-sized guide and aide-de-camp on this trip answered. Gary flipped the bird at him.

"You can bite my ass too," Gary added to the gesture. "And quit calling me Sahib. We're not even in India," came out as an afterthought.

"You know Sahib. You're cute when you're angry Sahib. You give Raul a big hard one, much pleasure, Sahib." Raul's words earned him a boot in the ass outside. The hot wind blasted past them as the sky roared. Pointing up at a bright spot, Raul ran screaming. The bright spot grew larger and followed him.

Back inside, Gary continued, "Why did I have to hire a guide who gets freaked out every time the kleig lights come on for a shot? One who, in addition to being pint-sized, is also bald, incontinent and drops his pistachio shells all over the floor of this motor home rented from Film Location Services-R-Us that I have to share with the director's PA who also happens to be his underage transsexual sex toy? Why am I asking all these questions? Answer me that. Yeah, you, holding the book. Yes, this book. Who do you think I've been talking to all this time?"


Opening: Dave F......Continuation: Paul Penna

Cartoon 778

Caption: Whirlochre

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Face-Lift 842

Guess the Plot

City of Monsters

1. Once it was a town of polite theatergoers, considerate restaurant patrons, attentive drivers and literate schoolchildren. Then the cell phone was invented and it became a . . . City of Monsters.

2. To Pastor Jeremiah, the big city represents all the wickedness and depravity of modern life. People flock to his thundering sermons, but he is not content with simply allowing small-towners to congratulate themselves on their virtue and so he resolves to redeem the . . . City of Monsters.

3. Monstro City: where four million monsters reside, wishing their human ruling family were all dead. When Prince Thomas learns his family faces eviction from the castle--and certain death--he sets out in his swamp monster disguise to collect back taxes from a dragon. Can he keep the royal family solvent? Also, a socially challenged zombie.

4. Exorcist Lynn Bourne moves to Hollywood to set up shop. It's sensible to offer her services in a place so inviting to unnatural behavior. But during one of her spirit cleansing séances, she becomes host to an ancient demon who impels her to start a career as a reality tv producer.

5. The trip to Mars was too long and totally horrid, but now that Nannette is back in New York, she wishes she was still on the red planet. Something went wrong on Earth: everyone looks and acts like Godzilla. Or maybe it's just that fashion and attitudes have changed. Whatever. She refuses to lumber around in a green reptile outfit, no matter how stylish.

6. Charlotte works in The City, London's financial district. Her co-workers seem unusually ruthless, but Charlotte suspects nothing particular- until Alicia in Investments forgets to tuck her tail in one Monday morning. Time for Charlotte to get out her union suit, wear her underpants on top and kick some monster-butt.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

In CITY OF MONSTERS, humans are the endangered species. [This leads the reader to assume City of Monsters is the title of the book. Which explains why all the fake plots are for City of Monsters. I'd put the book's title there; the series title can come below, exactly where you have it.]

Prince Thomas is frustrated at his over-protected life and his irrelevant education about long-dead monarchs. After all, when Thomas turns eighteen in three years, he will become the titular ruler of Monstro City’s four million monsters. Determined to learn more about the world beyond his protective walls, Thomas escapes his giant ant-built castle and enrolls at Monstro Central School. [The middle sentence interrupts the logical flow of ideas. I would arrange this info in two sentences: Prince Thomas, future ruler of Monstro City’s four million monsters, is frustrated at his over-protected life and his irrelevant education about long-dead monarchs. Determined to learn more about the world beyond the castle walls, he slips away and enrolls at Monstro Central School.]

Disguised as a swamp monster called PT, Thomas is threatened by mafia goblin students at his first class. He is also befriended by the outcast Dead Gang: a motherly mummy, rebellious vampire, socially-challenged zombie, joker giant spider and sarcastic goblin princess. Sweating beneath his costume, Thomas knows if the monsters discover his identity, he will spin on a kebab stick before he can scream for his ogre bodyguard. [Too many monsters. Condense to: Disguised as a swamp monster called PT, Thomas is befriended by the outcast Dead Gang: a motherly mummy, rebellious vampire, socially-challenged zombie . . . you get the idea. Of course, if these monsters knew his true identity, he'd be spinning on a kebab stick.]

Thomas learns his family faces imminent bankruptcy and eviction, meaning certain death. He formulates a desperate plan: crossing the Mythic Quarter to demand back-taxes from Kalthazar the dragon. First, he must convince the Dead Gang to aid rather than devour him, [He needs them to help him collect taxes, but he can't tell them who he is?] and survive a double period of Biology! [This last joke falls flat.]

DRAGONIUM is a 42,000 word modern fantasy for young adults and the first book of the CITY OF MONSTERS series.

An award-winning fiction and non-fiction writer, I have written over 2,000 articles for 50 plus magazines and newspapers, contributed to a dozen anthologies and appeared several times on Australian national TV. Before I became a children's author, I wrote for surf magazines in over 30 countries, including the major three in the US. Dubbed ‘surfing’s literary giant,’ I was paid to roam the world with the likes of nine-times world surfing champion, Kelly Slater (mainly because I couldn’t afford my own air tickets). [As impressive as all that is, one paragraph about you is plenty, and the next one is more relevant to what you're selling.]

In the last four years, I have had four children’s novels published in Australia, including Erasmus James and the Galactic Zapp Machine (Ibis Publishing) and Stinky Squad (Barrel Books). Every year, I tour over 100 schools with my popular author show. The rights for all my books are available for all territories outside Australia.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.


Notes

It's not clear why the monsters would kill Thomas if they knew his identity. Work that in somewhere.

Why would four million monsters accept someone they want dead as their ruler?

This sounds like the kind of fare middle graders would love. What makes it YA?

The main plot seems to be collecting the taxes. Possibly we don't need to mention the school at all. Just say Thomas leaves the castle in his disguise and is befriended by the Dead Gang. When he decides he must cross the Mythic Quarter, he'll need help, so he calls upon his new friends. This would leave more space to explain why an endangered species is ruling the city, and how they're able to do so when they can't leave the castle.

Success Story

Elizabeth Walker reports that her YA fantasy novel, Heir to the Underworld, is now available from Sapphire Blue Publishing. It was Face-Lift 510 as well as Synopsis 13.

Here’s the link to the book page:

http://www.sapphirebluepublishing.com/catalog/product_info.php?products_id=97

Cartoon 777

Caption: anon.

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New Beginning 806

Angie traipsed downstairs, sluiced her mug, then went to put the kettle on, all the while ignoring the black-skinned demon squatting on the sofa.

She preferred to sit in the chair anyway.

"You made me." Its perennial complaint.

Black demon, black tea. She dropped a tea bag into the mug from a height. Missed. Grabbed a handful more from the box and scattered them, in the hope one might land in the right place. That first time, she'd thought the milk had just turned. Coming in through the door with a new carton, she'd realised her mistake, feeling it turn to yoghurt in her hands.

Back then she'd still noticed the smell.

"You were supposed to be beautiful," she said, making this the 231st day in succession on which she'd broken her vow.

The sofa creaked as the demon raised its melon-shaped head. One of those honeydew melons--the oval ones.

"I am beautiful."

Angie laughed. "In your dreams."

She could only blame herself. Sure, it was the demon that curdled the milk, but the clumsiness was her own. She had meant to sprinkle the potion on the spaghetti sauce jar, to bring to life her own beautiful Paul Newman. But a sneeze took her at that instant, and instead she splashed it onto the devil's food cake--

A shadow fell across the kitchen. She sighed and looked up through the skylight.

"HO, HO, HO!!"

-- and a small can of Niblets.


Opening: BuffySquirrel.....Continuation: Anon.

Cartoon 776

Caption: Anon.

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Success Story

In the first-ever Minion Trifecta, it's a 3-for-1 zombie win. The print anthology Gone With the Dirt: Undead Dixie features "Dixie Dust" by Sylvia Spruck Wrigley, "Bad Things Happen Here" by Shona Snowden (better known on this site as a furry marsupial), and "Shuffling Through Georgia" by Phoenix Sullivan (New Beginning 789). Available now from Pill Hill Press. http://www.pillhillpress.com/shoppe-anthologies.html

Face-Lift 841

Guess the Plot

How to Be Ruthless

1. Marry Ruth, fight with Ruth, divorce Ruth, stalk Ruth, die, haunt Ruth, get chased off by her new Ghostbuster boyfriend.

2. After insuring the life of his wife, Ruth, for a million dollars, Lance is looking for a hitman who can make her murder look like an accident.

3. When his beloved wife Ruth dies after 47 years of marriage, Aaron Cohen must learn to live, laugh and love again in the wild, savage jungle of senior dating.

4. Humble, henpecked accountant Fred Fotheringale plots to murder his shrewish wife, Ruth. The twist: she wants to be Fredless.

5. Orphaned in mysterious circumstances involving a runaway sled and a chain saw, Ruth now lives with her creepy, but clueless guardians. She’s sure they have her best interests at heart, that those near-misses were just accidents. But when she finds a flow-chart headed: “How To Be Ruthless,” her suspicions are aroused.

6. High school student Hunter Kent has been dumping girlfriends for years. Now he's dating hot hot hot Ruth, but while she's out of town over summer vacation, Hunter falls in love with someone new: Ruth's little brother. Hunter may become hunted when Ruth finds out.

7. Ruth and George seem to be the perfect couple. Then George discovers Ruth sleeping with the milkman and--after a protracted and painful divorce--begins his new Ruthless existence.

8. Existential poet Marcus Prufroche loves his all-grey decor, his beret, and his cadre of nubile graduate students. What he doesn't love is his grandmother Ruth Himmelburg, who thinks her Marky should go out and get a real job. When she tries to fix him up with her best friend's granddaughter visiting from a Lithuanian shtetl, Marcus decides it's time to take action. Fatal action.

9. When Fredrick is kidnapped by a band of female pirates, it seems like heaven at first. But the amazon pirate leader, Ruth, wants more from him than just pleasure. To prove that Fredrick is worthy enough to be her equal, he will have to launch a solo attack on a rival pirate band and bring back the forbidden Crystal of Foretelling. Can he succeed if he is . . . Ruthless?

10. Ruthless vigilante sorcerers descend on Mobile, Alabama when they hear rumors about a baby with the power to heal broken bones. Unfortunately, they're about to encounter a pack of ravenous ninja were-zombies.

11. In a post-apocalyptic world where the Catholic church is the only surviving authority, Ruth is an assassin for T.H.U.G.S.--the Thaumatological Heresy and Unnatural Gestation Society. In other words, she's an angel hunter. But after the Church discovers that Ruth's own biological father is an angel, it's Ruth's turn to be hunted. Her mother is as hot on her heels as hell itself, so it'll take a miracle for Ruth to survive.

12. At the behest of his therapist, smalltime hoodlum Petie Raklune begins blogging anonymously about his exploits. When the readership hits a million plus, book deals pour in amidst a clamor to reveal his identity. But should Petie give up a life of picking pockets merely for an international book tour?



Original Version

Dear Evil One,

At the end of his high school career, Hunter Kent has racked up four virginities taken, ten ex-girlfriends, and one-hundred twenty-six insane parties hosted. He has no idea what he’s going to do with his life, but never mind that for now. It’s the last summer before adulthood begins. [He sounds like Holden Caulfield.] [Wait a minute, Hunter/Holden. Caulfield/Kent. Too close to be a coincidence . . . although you might change Hunter's last name to Kenfield.] He just wants to live it up.

At Hunter’s very last high school party, theatre star Laura Welch fixates on him. [Whattaya mean, theatre star? Are we talking school play or Broadway?] [Okay, the truth comes out. I changed her name from Laura to Ruth in the Guess the Plot feature; I had to, or the title wouldn't make sense, as there's nothing about ruthlessness in the plot summary.] Hunter’s cool with that -- she’s hot. When Laura takes off to Mexico for half the summer, however, her sixteen-year-old brother Taylor crashes into Hunter’s life. Taylor is a musical prodigy, home for the summer from a prestigious fine arts academy. He’s fresh, uncharted territory, and Hunter is obsessed. Their relationship is a slow burn, evoking more passion in Hunter than he’s ever felt for anyone else. [He never suspected he could be this obsessed with a pianist.] For Hunter, the best part about dating the hottest girl in town is making out with her little brother. [The term "little brother" is introducing the Ewww factor, even though we know he's only a year younger. I don't think we need the word "little" now that we know his age.]

The only problem? Laura. Hunter thinks he can handle telling her he’s in love with her brother, until she drops a bomb: she’s pregnant. [And to make matters worse, the father is Hunter's kid sister.] On top of that, Taylor seems to be lying about everything. [Either leave that out or be more specific.] Grown-up life is a helluva lot more complicated than high school.

How To Be Ruthless is a YA novel complete at 50,000 words. Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,


Notes

For starters it's obvious that you simply must change Laura's name to Ruth.

It's not clear why it's called How to Be Ruthless. Normally that doesn't matter, but in this case I think you should mention some ruthless behavior in the Laura/Hunter relationship. "Ruthless" doesn't feel like the right word. Which is another good reason to change her name.

Are we supposed to like Hunter? I've noticed that the minions often make comments like: Why would I want to read a whole book about this jerk? If this is about Hunter coming to terms with his sexuality, you might want to tone down the stolen virginities part and try to make him sound more sympathetic. Unfortunately, you may need to do that in the book as well as the query.

Cartoon 775

Caption: Anon.

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Sunday Feature 13

Make this year's Thanksgiving dinner special.

I posted this recipe a couple years ago, but no one reported back that they had tried it. It sounds like more work than just roasting a turkey, but when you see the results, I think you'll agree it's worth it.

Cartoons for Super-Intellectuals

All they need is your captions. Criteria: 1. Funny. 2. Only super-intellects get it.


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Saturday Film Series

New Beginning 805

Owen listened as his closet door creaked open. He clutched his teddy bear and held it close to him. He knew he was too old for it, but it was the only thing that gave him any real comfort anymore. It was the only thing he had left that linked to his past, a time of comfort and good memories. In the sound of the door creak seemed to be the sweep of all the events of the past year—events that had turned his life upside down and turned him from the normal kid he once was into this scared, lonely boy with no friends and no one to rely on but himself. “Knock knock,” said a voice. It wasn't a pleasant voice. But Owen knew he couldn't just keep his eyes shut and ignore the thing that had entered his room.

He sighed and opened his eyes. Might as well get it over with. "Who's there?"

The seven-foot cockroach folded itself into the little desk chair by Owen's bedside. It swung a wide flat head down at him, antennae swaying. "Roach." Its carapace glinted in the light of a Spongebob nightlight.

"Roach who?"

"Gezundheit," said the cockroach, and laughed.

Owen shook his head and whispered to Teddy, "We'll get a better roommate next semester."


Opening: Stacy.....Continuation: Sean

Cartoon 774

Caption: Whirlochre

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Face-Lift 840

Guess the Plot

Living in Forgotten

1. George accidentally opens a portal to Forgotten - the land of awkward titles.

2. Annie lives in, um... uh... someplace, where she's a grocery clerk at, uh... some grocery store or other. Something happens.

3. The protagonist, whose name escapes me, leaves her hometown and, unable to remember its name or location, searches desperately for a way to return there.

4. A guy with a funny name was the mayor of Wherever when he got into some naughty trouble with the milkmaid, or was it the baker's wife? Anyway, a lot of crazy stuff happened and then, um, the end.

5. Khris thought it would be a good idea to move to Forgotten, which is filled with gangs and thugs and thieves, but now that he's here it's not the exciting adventure he was expecting. Can he find his way back to Privileged before he gets killed?

6. Forgotten, Illinois lives up to its name. They forgot to build a school, a church, a town hall or even a Wal-mart. When wannabe Senator, Bob Forthwright, makes a PR mission out of bringing these things to 'poor' Forgotten, the citizens revolt- led by hot country bumpkin Mary-Alice McMaddock.

7. After a brief stint of notoriety, a Payphone’s Occlusion is cast into a dimension of forgotten shadows. When the phone itself shows up in a background scene of Cheaters, fame and fortune return…but at what price? Calls cost more than 10 cents these days and the Occlusion can’t even scrounge up a nickel.

8. Alexandra Capricorn can't remember how she got to Forgotten. She can't remember her three ex-husbands, discovering Blackbeard's lost treasure, or what happened to her twin sister. She's not the only one--everyone in Forgotten has had their mind erased by evil producers mining their pasts for soap opera gold. Can Alexandra stop them in time?

9. Janie Kent loves her job running Ciudad Olvidado, a sleepy trailer park. But when drug dealers try to move in on her territory, ex-Marine Janie organizes her cadre of misfit tenants into a makeshift army, all while trying to duck the notice of that cute sheriff.

10. M’jula sells real estate on The Forgotten Planet, a Gas Giant orbiting a dying sun. She’s just discovered a legal loophole allowing considerable leeway in her depictions of the methane-rich frozen wasteland. Bring on the wealthy willing to buy "sight unseen". But the Alpha Centauri Mafia do not easily forgive being swindled.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor

Living in the streets of Forgot wasn’t the adventure Khris had hoped for. [Although it does get pretty exciting at rush hour.] Stealing, hiding from the gangs and keeping his home a secret wasn’t exactly what he had imagined. [The second sentence is more specific than the first, but basically, both say the same thing. They can easily be combined into one sentence.]

When running away from a bunch of thugs, he runs into a small mute boy with a very big talent. [He has the ability to speak with perfect enunciation, almost unheard of among mutes.] Together they learn to understand each other as well as to trust others. But life in Forgot never stays easy.

In the Forgotten, a gang will corner them into an impossible heist [The first paragraph was past tense, the second was present, and now we're in future tense? I can't wait to see what we progress to in the 4th paragraph.] while in the Privileged, the PC get ready to hunt for more talented, a hunt that will leave many dead and many more missing. [If that sentence is clear to you, it's either because you wrote the book or because your mind works in mysterious ways.]

Can they live the streets especially on the wrong side of the wall? [Ah, the hypothetical tense.] [Also, what wall?]

My young adult fantasy, LIVING IN FORGOTTEN, is complete at 69,000 words. It's the first instalment [sp.] of a planned trilogy, yet it is quite capable of standing on its own. [The word "quite" is almost always useless. Note that I didn't say "quite useless," as that would have meant the same thing.] LIVING IN FORGOTTEN is my first novel.

Thank you for your time and consideration.


Notes

What is Forgot? What is Forgotten? Why isn't the title Living in Forgot or Living in the Forgotten?

What is the mute boy's big talent?

Start over, and this time summarize the book such that someone who's never read it has some idea what you're talking about. Apparently the city of Forgot is divided by a wall into areas known as the Forgotten and the Privileged. Apparently Khris is from the latter but has crossed into the former seeking adventure? Why don't you just tell us this? Then tell us what happens to Khris. If the Forgotten isn't all he was hoping, why doesn't he just go back to the Privileged? What does he want and who's stopping him from getting it?

If the Forgotten is the bad part of Forgot, why do you claim that life in Forgot never stays easy? Shouldn't that be Life in the Forgotten never stays easy?

No way would the privileged allow their city to be named Forgot. You don't see the Park Avenue crowd campaigning to have New York City renamed Homeless Shelter. Also, I can see the forgotten referring to the two sectors as Forgotten and Privileged, but the privileged would probably have different names for them, like the Industrious and the Iniquitous. In short, if Khris is originally from the Privileged he probably doesn't call it that.

Do we have to name this place Forgot? It makes me think the novel is an allegory, and you want to make sure we get it.

Does PC stand for Politically Correct? Because the politically correct probably wouldn't participate in deadly hunts of talented people. If it stands for Privileged Commandos, use the words. You can't just toss out terms like the Privileged, the wall, the PC as if everyone knows what you mean.

Cartoon 773

Caption: anon.

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

New Beginning 804

“You will think about it. Right?”

He glanced over her shoulder at the valley beyond. The cottonwoods along the creek were just budding out. Almost spring. Strange, how life just keeps moving ahead, despite everything.

She grabbed his hand and squeezed. “Dad, please. I’m worried about you up here in this big old house all alone. I know Amanda’s coming for a visit, but after that… promise me that you’ll at least seriously consider it. Okay?”

She wasn’t going to make this goodbye easy. He looked at her and swallowed the lump in his throat. She was so perfect---this child of theirs. Her eyes, the same tawny brown as Ellie’s, were brimming with tears as she clutched his hand in hers. “It would mean so much to me, and the kids to have you with us.”

Her lower lip quivered and the image of a gangly seven-year-old with a banged up knee flashed into his mind. In his heart, she’d always be that seven-year-old. But, as much as he wanted to give her what she wanted, he knew he couldn’t. Her life was in Scottsdale, with Jack and the kids. And his life was here at the ranch, as it had always been. He took a deep breath and gave her what he knew was a sorry attempt at a smile. “Ah…Kate. Come on now. You know this old cowboy wouldn’t fit up there in Scottsdale.”

Her tears spilled, as they used to when he would deny her ice cream for breakfast, but she had to know he was right, that he wouldn't fit in Scottsdale. He hugged her tightly, so tightly he feared he'd crush her with his embrace. Then he waved as she drove away.

"Silly Kate," he sighed. "Not only would I not fit in Scottsdale, I'd crush the place."

He never understood how he, the tallest giant of them all, had fathered a munchkin daughter.


Opening: Valerie Davis.....Continuation: ChocolateMonster

Cartoon 772

Caption: anon.

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Face-Lift 839

Guess the Plot

Given the Shaft

1. At the Feast of Thibault, worthy squires are presented with swords to mark their ascension to knighthood. Those who fail to measure up are instead drafted as spearmen. Can Horatio, who has dreamed of knighthood his whole life, cope with the humiliation of being . . . Given the Shaft?

2. When Annie Templeton's fiancé leaves her at the altar in 1860s Colorado, he at least leaves her with a consolation prize -- the deed to his gold mine. But is there something hidden in the depths of the mine that he didn't want to deal with?

3. Inch-high aliens land on Miss Shaft's lawn right after she fertilized it. When half the crew dies they declare interstellar war - not realizing she's known locally as 'the crazy cat-lady'.

4. When a woman is killed in an elevator shaft, and the police won't investigate, it's up to student Jordan Bale to solve the case. But it won't be easy when she also must deal with a stalker, a murderer, her rapist, her abusive boyfriend, and that fact that she's flunking math.

5. Marlene was livid when all her no-good husband Bert left her in his will was a played-out silver mine in Nevada. She's even more livid when she sells it to Bert's first wife, Lily, for a song, and learns two months later that a vein of platinum has been discovered in it. When the devil offers to arrange for an irregularity in the sales agreement to come to light, she's mighty tempted.

6. After making the classic mistake of shagging her boss before collecting adequate blackmail material to keep her job afterward, unemployed Nora starts digging. The dirt involves three national governments, the fate of her boss's ex-wife, a LOT of dairy products and . . . running for her life.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Jordan Bale is an alienated college student who stumbles into the world of detecting by way of an administrative conspiracy, the murder of her favorite professor, and a serial rapist targeting campus. And one of these criminals is stalking her. With her personal life in shambles, Jordan must solve these crimes before she becomes the next victim.

It all started when a student was killed in an elevator shaft in her dorm and campus police appear to avoid investigating. [That sentence starts in past tense and switches to present. No reason to use past tense at all when the rest of the query is in present.] Jordan takes the story to the school’s newspaper, embarrassing a university that will do anything to protect its reputation. [Did you notice how I didn't say anything at the end of the previous sentence about the phrasing "campus police appear to avoid investigating"? That was me appearing to avoid criticizing. What you want to say is the police refuse to investigate or the police are too quick to call it an accident or the police are too busy busting kids for smoking weed to care about murder. Even if it's not exactly what happens in the book, it's better to state it simply than correctly.] [Also, when there's a dead person, I'm not sure the real police can be kept out of the mix.] When her favorite professor – the only person who saw Jordan as more than just one of Ohio State’s fifty thousand students – is murdered less than a week later, Jordan is determined to find justice. Even if it entails breaking into her professor’s office and stealing her research to look for clues. Then the Columbus Police Department starts turning away rape victims.

[Rape victim: I was raped.

Police desk sergeant: Take a hike, lady.]

[You need to show a connection between the Columbus Police turning away rape victims and the murders. Or leave the rape victims out of the query, which is probably best. You already have two murders, and you don't want the query to be just a list of crimes. Presumably the Columbus police are investigating the professor's murder, so focus on what Jordan can do that they can't.] Throw in an emotionally abusive boyfriend, her first academic failure, and the inability to solve one single case – could Jordan’s life get any worse? Yes. Now she must solve her own rape, as well.

[Jordan: I was raped.

Police desk sergeant: Come back when you've solved the case and we'll talk.]

Given the Shaft is an 80,000-word mystery that could be expanded into a series [in which Jordan once again is unable to solve one single case and the police do nothing]. I was named an up-and-coming star of flash fiction by the 6S Review, and my short stories have appeared in 6S2, MicroHorror, Blink Ink, FlashShot, Thrillers, Killers 'n' Chillers, and Long Story Short.

Thank you for your time and consideration.


Notes

It's not clear whether the student was found dead in an elevator shaft, having died after plummeting to the bottom, in which case she may or may not have been pushed, or whether she was found in the shaft with a bullet in her head.

Maybe you should come up with a fictional university. Ohio State may not want you publicizing the fact that they'll do anything to protect their reputation. Or the enormous number of murders and rapes that take place on their campus.

It's not clear why Jordan takes a major interest in the elevator shaft death. I would think her major focus/goal (at least until she becomes a victim) would be on solving her professor's murder case. I'd focus the query on that, and just mention the serial rapist as one of the complications (instead of her inability to solve a single case, which isn't a big selling point for a mystery).

I would start the query: When her favorite professor is murdered, Jordan Bale is determined to do what the police apparently can't: solve the case. Then tell us what she does and what obstacles make her task difficult and how she plans to deal with these obstacles.

Success Story

Dave F. reports that his short story "The Blacksmith's Gift" (New Beginning 799) appears in the print anthology Christmas Fear - Spooky Stories for the Holidays.
It is available from PILL HILL PRESS.

Cartoon 771

Caption: Zachary Gole

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New Beginning 803

Corrie shoved her way through the underbrush, branches snagging on her clothing and raising angry welts on her skin. Breathless, she glanced behind her as she struggled through the vacant lot. Her view was obscured by a jungle of vegetation, but she could hear a furious crashing in the distance, and the tops of small trees shook with her pursuer's passage. Hurry, she thought, plunging forward into the dense tangle of untamed bushes and vines, the pale glow of a streetlight like a beacon in the distance.

She didn't recognize the man who was chasing her, but Corrie knew, if he caught her, his intentions couldn't be pure. There was no other reason for a stranger to follow a woman down a deserted street in the middle of the night.

Not for the first time, Corrie cursed her bad luck. It seemed like anything that could go wrong, did go wrong. Like the espresso machine jamming right before closing, or the stillness of her car's engine when she'd turned the key in the ignition. Or the man who was now pursuing her, on the one night she'd decided to walk the six blocks from the coffee shop to her apartment.

Her foot caught on a root and she fell headlong into the dirt. Her shoulder scored a glancing blow off a mossy rock. Damn, she thought. This is it.

The crashing noise was getting closer. Then she heard a man's voice, stern, commanding, "Come Here!" The noise stopped. Then started again, in the other direction! She poked her head up over the bushes and could see, silhouetted by a streetlight in the distance, a man fixing a leash to a Labrador's collar.

Corrie's pulse was still racing, her hands still shaking uncontrollably, wild thoughts shooting like lightning through her mind. Yes, once she'd got the machine unjammed, that was one strong cup of espresso...


Opening: Joie.....Continuation: anon.

Cartoon 770

Caption: ril

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Sunday Feature 12

I made this little film to introduce my new business venture a while back, but I think only those who visited Robin's blog ever saw it.

Publication Opportunity

Writers: If you haven't committed to churning out a 50,000- word novel this month, why not write a short story for Phoenix's anthology Extinct (Doesn't Mean Forever)? The details are here.

And if you are writing a novel this month, write your story in December/January. The deadline is January 30. Think of it as a two-month writing exercise.

New Beginning 802

I knew I was lit when I cracked my eyes. Me, Steve Shamus, private eye, lit to the gills on giggle juice. No... I actually was lit, like I was caught in the high beams of every Buick driven by every two-bit mug in H-burg. How those Buicks got in my fifth floor office I don't know. But no, it was just one light: a chrome Rayovac, slender fingers grasping it lovingly. I thought about something else I'd like to have grasped like that. The ceiling bulb flickered on; a hand was on the light switch and another held a .38 aimed at my ticker. Yeah, I know - that's three hands. But that's what I liked about Bonnie the Hat: she was different.

She was the canary who sang in cheap dives for tips, shots and butts. Slip her a pack of Luckies and it'd be "Is You Is or Is You Ain't My Baby" until your ears bled. But the doll was a looker, and so she did, glomming me then shooting me that smile; suddenly a million violins exploded in my head. No... I'd left the radio on.

"Hand over the jack, gumshoe," she snarled.

"It's Steve, not Jack," I reminded her. How could she forget, after that night in the alley with the handcuffs, nylons and whipped cream? That reminded me to get myself a new pair; I always got a run in them after the rough stuff.

"Cut the gab and make with the cabbage," she hissed. "Toss me the lettuce."

I was onto her game and let her know it. "Sorry sweetheart, your salad days are over." A quick slug in my kisser with the butt end of her .38 left me with two less teeth but hope in my heart; maybe she remembered that night in the alley after all.

Then the world turned upside down; the door burst open and like the morning after a twelve tamale dinner in a cheap Mexican restaurant he showed up in my life again: Shades Blanchard.

He was the only guy I knew who, instead of sunglasses, wore miniature window shades. He pulled the cords and they rolled up neatly above his monobrow, revealing two shiners. "Shades," I said, "What happened?"

"Walked into a door," he claimed.

"Twice?"

"It was French doors. Who's the dame?"

"I'm Bonnie the Hat," Bonnie the Hat said.

"How come you ain't wearin' no hat?" Shades asked her.

"None a yer beeswax," Bonnie the Hat told him. She turned back to me and said, "Last chance, dick, hand over the cabbage or I plug the both of youse."

I tossed it over. She put it on and said, "Thank God. I feel naked without a hat, and mine's in the dry cleaners."


Opening: Paul Penna....Continuation: Evil Editor

Cartoon 769

Caption: McKoala

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Face-Lift 838

Guess the Plot

Bad Luck Woman

1. Blackjack dealer Fiona Carlyle doesn't know why none of the casino's patrons ever plays at her table. Could it have something to do with that pesky nickname?

2. Corrie has always had bad luck, but little things like losing her keys or breaking her toaster were tolerable. Now some woman has decided she needs Corrie's blood in order to release the legions of hell upon the Earth, and Corrie may finally have to put her foot down.

3. Alakshimi, Hindu goddess of misfortune, decides to pack her bags and leave her father's ocean of milk for the sunny streets of Mumbai. Unfortunately, her attempts to make it big in Bollywood are plagued by, well, misfortune. Can she overcome her own cursed divinity and hook up with the sexy, toe-stubbing prop handler before her father turns her into a goat?

4. Tony and his band never really thought they'd make it big. But when their album, "Bad Luck Woman," is picked up by a big-time record company, they find themselves in a world of fame and fortune. Trouble is, the Bad Luck Woman Tony's written about is his murderous ex-girlfriend, and when she finds out the new hit single is about her, she sets out on a path of revenge.

5. Marjorie Davis, American widow, takes a holiday in Glencoe, having read too many romance novels set in the highlands. Unfortunately for her, the foul-mouthed, slovenly proprietor of the B&B she stays at knows all the same stories.

6. Superhero Tornado Man has met his match. Every time he answers a distress call he is delayed by dodgy spandex, broken zips and velcro that won't unstick. It's the work of Bad Luck Woman! Can he overcome her fiendish powers, and if he does will she fall for him?



Original Version

Dear EE:

Corrie Kingston is plagued with bad luck: important items become lost or stolen, appliances and electronics break in her presence, and she seems particularly adept at getting herself into sticky situations. One night, her luck goes from bad to worse when a strange man [What's strange about him?] follows her home. Even stranger, [Even stranger than what? Being followed home by a strange man? I doubt any woman would describe being followed home at night as "strange." "Terrifying" is more like it.] he claims that she's the long lost descendant of some forgotten fairy king, [Is that how he puts it? "Some forgotten fairy king"?] and he's been tasked with protecting her. [Hard to believe he doesn't remember which king it is, yet he's taking orders to protect the king's descendants.] [Also, it's not clear how her luck has gone from bad to worse. A guy who could have been a stalker/murderer/rapist turns out to be her protector. Sounds like her luck has gone from bad to fantastic.] All her bad luck, he says, is a side effect of a spell that's been cast to hide her from her enemies.

Like any rational person, Corrie is ready to call the police, until a creature that's half-boar, half-wolf, and all nightmare crashes through her window. [Is it a boar with a wolf's head or a wolf with a boar's head? I think it should be whichever one looks scarier, but I'm having trouble deciding:]











Apparently Thom, the man who says he's supposed to protect her, isn't so crazy after all. [Is Thom there when the creature crashes in? Because I can't believe she invited him into her home. But if he's gone, he's not much of a protector. And if he is gone, why doesn't she think the boar/wolf is just her usual bad luck? Did Thom say, "Okay, I'll leave, but don't be surprised if a half boar/half wolf creature crashes through your window, because that's just the kind of thing your enemies will try."?]

After a narrow escape, Corrie finds herself caught up in the intrigues of Atlanta's hidden fairy court. Among the beautiful and manipulative courtly fae, Corrie learns that she's the last mortal descendant of Auberon, the Summer King, [At least someone remembers which king she's descended from.] and is considered a potent weapon. Only her blood can reopen the gate to hell and renew the pact between the fairy courts and demons. Long ago, the Summer King gave his life to seal it. Now, in a bid for power, the Queen of Night wants to break the seal and unleash the leigons [legions] of hell upon the earth. And she doesn't care if Corrie survives the process.

BAD LUCK WOMAN is an urban fantasy novel, complete at 85,000 words.


Notes

In my opinion, unleashing the legions of hell upon the Earth is more likely to give power to the legions of hell than to the Queen of Night. Possibly the legions of hell, out of gratitude, will give their loyalty to the Queen of Night, but can you really trust the legions of hell?

I don't see what bad luck has to do with anything. She's the last descendant of the king who closed the gate to hell, not a random person. We don't read about Frodo and Dorothy and Buffy and think, Man they're unlucky. Basically you're calling the book Bad Luck Woman because her coffee maker never works right.

Cartoon 768

Caption: anon.

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Cartoon 767

Caption: Evil Editor

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Face-Lift 837

Guess the Plot

Lullaby of Allat

1. Legend speaks of the demon-child Allat, who will bring ruin to the world should he awake. The Sacred Order of Choristers are sworn to prevent this from happening, but every year their numbers grow fewer. Can a cocky young inventor with wax cylinder technology save the day?

2. Young Sir Allat is heir to the family secret: a melody that puts its hearers to sleep for 100 years. Everyone in the kingdom is at pains to amuse him, because he has a wicked sense of ironic humor and god only knows what he'd do if somebody bored him.

3. When Dr. Alison Grayden finds a copy of the legendary Medieval poem "Lullaby of Allat" in her late aunt's safe deposit box, she's thrilled. Only--how did the manuscript, lost for 600 years, end up in a safe deposit box in Burbank? Also, a djinn.

4. For years Thea has been tormented by music in her head. But when the demon Acreosate invades, she realizes her destiny: to sing him to sleep! Right after she convinces the king to put a 13 year old girl in charge of the army.

5. When a zombie shows up on her doorstep seeking an explanation for his reanimation, Louisa is thrust into an adventure that takes her to Bulgaria and the tomb of an ancient bandit who worshiped Allat, the Mesopotamian goddess of the underworld. Does Allat's lullaby have the power to wake the dead?

6. When permanent insomnia strikes the king and queen of Khobistan, their health is at risk. Then a troubadour named Allat arrives, claiming his songs can bring sleep--but for a price: their first-born. Is that price worth the nightmares that will accompany the . . . Lullaby of Allat?



Original Version

Dear EE:

Louisa Dove is the practical, hardworking assistant of a prominent archaeologist in Victorian era London. Things [What things?] take a turn for the strange, however, [That transitional phrase makes no sense here, as you haven't described or declared a situation in which "things" weren't strange. Quite the opposite, in fact: a female archaeologist in Victorian-era London is pretty strange to begin with. To clarify, in which of the following does the transition work:

Bob's job making pads by gluing the top edge of sheets of paper together is so boring, the most exciting part of his day is when a telemarketer phones to suggest he switch long-distance carriers. However, his life takes a turn for the bizarre when . . .

Bob is a unicycle mechanic. However, his life becomes strange when . . .]
when formerly deceased pickpocket Pete Daggney [Never use terms like "formerly deceased" or "undead" when you can instead use "zombie." In fact, even if Daggney isn't a zombie, I recommend calling him "zombie-like" or saying, . . . when Pete Daggney, who gives every indication of being . . . a ZOMBIE! . . . ] turns up on her doorstep, seeking an explanation for his sudden reanimation. [He doesn't need her for an explanation. If he craves blood, he's a vampire. If he craves brains he's a zombie. And if neither of those is the case, he's the son of God.] [By the way, what makes him think she has an explanation?] An occult artifact of unknown origin is to blame, [I have an artifact, and I have no idea where it came from, but I know it is responsible for turning you into a zombie.] but to undo Daggney's unfortunate state, Louisa and her mentor must track the object back to its source. [How do they know they must do this?]

Along the way, their journey is riddled with complications, thanks to the meddling of the charming Mr. Villiers, amature [amateur] treasure hunter and future English Earl, unexpected Bulgarian railway bandits, [No need to call Bulgarian railway bandits "unexpected." No one expects Bulgarian railway bandits.] [For that matter, no one expects Bulgarians.] and not one, but two secret societies [If one secret society is a drawing card, two is a major attraction. Of course, the more secret societies you have in one place, the harder it is for them to stay secret.] seeking the same prize. [If you mean the same prize that Louisa is seeking, I didn't know she was seeking a prize. What is the prize?] Now, Louisa is caught up in a race to locate the tomb of an ancient [Bulgarian] bandit king, before what is contained within can be used to raise an army of the dead [zombies], and threaten the sanctity of the British Empire. [Is "sanctity" the word you want? I was thinking "stability" or "security." Or "braaaaaiiiiins."]

LULLABY OF ALLAT is an updated version of the Victorian pulp serial, with elements taken from turn of the century [Turn of which century?] gothic novels and traditional scientific romance. [Traditional scientific romance:

It is action-packed, fast-paced and complete at 90,000 words.


[Not part of query: ((Allat is a Mesopotamian goddess of the underworld, whom the aforementioned bandit king worshipped.))]


Notes

Was the bandit king the king of some bandits or a king who was also a bandit? I don't see why a king would want to be a bandit or why bandits would want a king, but then I'm not Bulgarian.

Louisa goes to an awful lot of trouble to make Pete the pickpocket dead again. Assuming Pete wants to be dead again, can't they just burn him at the stake?

The first paragraph is a useful setup, but I think I'd prefer the second paragraph focus on what's in the tomb and who wants to use it to destroy Britain than on secret societies and bandits and an annoying earl.

For those who like to keep track of such things, this is the first appearance of Bulgarians in a query since Face-Lift 280.

Cartoon 766

Caption: anon.

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Success Story

Steve Prosapio reports that his novel Ghosts of Rosewood Asylum (Face-Lift 679) will be published by Otherworld Publications in 2011.

New Beginning 801

In the half-light of a wraparound porch, the man lounged feet-up on an idle swing. His eyes, like black holes, reeled in the fly-aways and the odd disproportions...of me. His Rottweiler sat untied near a U-Haul.

I might have waved neighbor-like, but the intensity of that man disarmed me. On the sidewalk, I fumbled for the mace. There had been three beatings and two rapes this week in Montrose–nothing new, nobody caught. I lifted each foot, pushed it forward and set it down: only four blocks to the safety of a crowd.

Along Kipling Street, 40's bungalows and a few, once-proud Queen Annes told of families who didn't live here anymore. Flash! Past my face two squirrels soared from oak to pecan. Otherwise, nobody lingered outside without reason.

I glared at the man and his dark eyes turned away fast. Through porch rails, I couldn't make out...he was holding something in his hand.

Two years had passed since I last stepped out for Friday night, but tonight was important, my best friend achieving his dream; I wouldn't be turning around. The man on the porch stood up, again staring. Advancing to the steps, he held something at his hip. I swerved to cross the street, wondering what he--

* * *

The beeps and rasps of the machines woke me. Bright lights pounded at my lids and I had to open my eyes slowly to avoid even more pain. I was in the hospital. And so was he. Sitting on a chair next to my bed, leaning forward, staring at me with that same monobrowed intensity that had so unnerved me before.

I wanted to ask him "Why?" But my tongue stuck to my mouth.

"Relax," he said, like that was an option, him sitting there and all. "You had quite a bump." I couldn't even remember what he did to me. "You need to look both ways before you step into the road. You're lucky that Chevy was going slow. Here. I was trying to give you this. The postman left it with me."

I tried to reach out but my arms were too heavy. He smiled and tore open the Amazon package. It was the book I'd ordered: Paranoid Much? How to get fear out of your life in 5 easy steps.


Opening: Lucie.....Continuation: anon.

Cartoon 765

Caption: Whirlochre

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Face-Lift 836

Guess the Plot

Shadowlands

1. Twelve year old Ruul has the ability to blink from his home in the kingdom of Ithmire to the alternate world of the Shadowlands. On one of these blinks, Ruul becomes trapped in the Shadowlands and is dragged into the Shadowland people's struggle to overthrow their evil emperor Kylmere.

2. Kayli has no time for romance; she spends her nights in the shadows of the city, hunting criminals. But when two sexy guys move next door, Kayli thinks her love life is about to take a turn for the better, until the guys inform her that they are actually immortal warriors sent to protect her from a fallen angel who wants to banish her to eternal servitude.

3. When Rebecca Thompson realizes there is another dimension that mirrors earth, where our shadows live and breathe, she enlists the help of her best friend Gregory--a warlock--to transport her there. If Rebecca can steal her mother's shadow, she can use it to get her mother out of a coma. But Greg has other plans for his "best friend."

4. When twin brothers David and Jacob Grant uncover dinosaur bones while building a fence on the family's ranch, they know they're in for adventure. They just aren't expecting the Feds, the media, and those spunky but annoying Davis sisters to be part of the fun.

5. Forensic specialist Kara Hall falls through the shadow of her current autopsy and winds up in the Shadowlands--a parallel plane that mirrors our world. There she must solve the murder or become a shadow herself.

6. Justine has always lived in Death Valley. When she wakes up one day to nothing but darkness, she thinks a storm is coming. Unbeknownst to her though, a thick dark cloud has fallen over Death Valley, bigger than any storm cloud and chock full of electricity that will not just strike like lightning, but bathe the valley in charged light.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Kayli Ryan’s life is in the dumps. She’s the worst witch ever, forced to take her best friend with her when she hunts criminals at night, because she can’t even work one simple spell. [Why is she hunting criminals at night? Is it her job? A hobby? Why would her friend agree to hunt criminals with her?] As an artist, she’d have a better chance paying for groceries by hocking her painting supplies than waiting for a canvas to sell. Abandoned at birth, she has no family, just a cat that doesn’t like her. And if it weren’t for the erotic dreams she’s been having lately, she’d have no love life at all. [This list of stuff about Kayli is too long. And because almost none of it is important enough to be mentioned again, it seems to have no purpose other than to prove that the first sentence is true. We could save a lot of space by just saying: Kayli Ryan’s love life is in the dumps. In fact, if it weren’t for the erotic dreams she’s been having lately, she’d have no love life at all.] [Wait, that doesn't tell us she's a witch, which is important information--or it would be, except it turns out she isn't a witch, which she might have figured out for herself from the fact that she can't even work one simple spell.]

But when two sexy neighbors move in next door, Kayli thinks her luck might be changing. She is immediately drawn to golden-haired Chase Donovan. With the face of an angel and a body meant for sin, he makes her heart race like no man before him. But when noble Chase rejects her advances, Kayli turns to his willing roommate Alexander to fulfill her fantasies and quench the fire in her that is burning hotter every day.

Fearing his friend’s sexual pursuits will turn into coupling—[It sounds like it already has.] or heaven forbid, bonding— Chase tells Kayli the truth, that he and Alex are immortal warriors sent by her father to protect her. In fact, she’s not a witch at all, [Where did she get the idea she was a witch?] but the hybrid daughter of a powerful fallen angel—and she’s been hidden on earth all these years to keep her safe from her family’s enemies who have long since sent her father and mother into the abyss. Chase and Alex believe that one of the original fallen angels has Kayli in his sights, playing a game that could lead to her eternal servitude—or final death.

As if that isn’t bad enough, Kayli’s highest purpose on earth is put to the test when a rapist she’s let slip through her fingers begins to murder his victims to punish Kayli for her interference. [If she was abandoned at birth, how does she know about her purpose on Earth?] She just might be able to stop him from claiming his next victim if she can keep her hands off her neighbors and old enemies off her back.

Shadowlands is a completed 70,000 word erotic urban fantasy.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


Notes

The first two paragraphs describe a romantic comedy. Then it morphs into something far more serious, with talk of eternal servitude, final death, a rapist. Then it closes with a combination of the two: She just might be able to stop the rapist who murders his victims if she can keep her hands off her sexy neighbors. I'd like to end the killing spree of this rapist/murderer, but I'm too busy having fallen-angel sex.

If Kayli can't work spells, how does she manage to defeat criminals? Does she have any supernatural powers?

I think you need to tell us what Kayli is, rather than what she isn't, up front.

Sending your daughter to Earth to hide her from your enemies may be noble, but abandoning her at birth is a bit extreme. Couldn't they leave her with a family? Who raised her?

I would reorganize this and leave out some element. Perhaps the rapist is the main conflict and we don't need the original fallen angel who's out to get Kayli. Or the opposite, we can do without the rapist. Focus on the main problem, and the plan to solve it.

Do Chase and Alex provide any evidence that they're immortal warriors and that Kayli is the hybrid daughter of a fallen angel? Because most people probably wouldn't buy this line at face value.

The usual situation in urban fantasy is that a kick-ass heroine with a lot of attitude fights bad guys while dealing with personal problems. Thus I would expect the sexy neighbors to be the personal problems. Instead they're immortal warriors sent to protect the heroine. I'm less inclined to cheer on a heroine who needs this much protection.

Cartoon 764

Caption: Marissa Doyle

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