Friday, April 19, 2013
Guess the Plot
Kiss the Girls, Then They Die
1. Ralph's curse is really putting a cramp in his love life, until he travels to Hollywood and meets sultry prostitute Vivian Ward. Viv has a policy to never kiss her johns, so Ralph's all good.
2. Lucian's first bride died at the altar. His second bride, on their wedding bed. Does three times make the charm, or will Lucian bury yet another unwitting maiden? Also, an impatient grandma-to-be.
3. The "Lipstick Killer" is on the loose, so called because he kisses his beautiful victims and smears their lipstick before strangling them, but efforts to capture him are hindered because the sheriff hates the police chief.
4. Bill, former Navy SEAL, starts at the police academy. He dates Janet. She’s found strangled. He dates Bridget and she too is murdered. Bill, suspended from the academy, is a person of interest. Can he find the real serial killer before detectives nail him for the murders?
5. Four socialites have turned up dead in the Hollywood hills. The only clue? Ricin-laced chapstick smears on their pale lips. It's up to DJ Shazam to step in and solve this thriller set in the LA club scene.
6. The Frog Prince is human. Unfortunately, his saliva is toxic. Now who will marry him? Princesses vying for the position are summoned for a tournament to decide.
7. Basil Letchworth is an asymptomatic carrier of a previously unknown deadly disease that's spread orally. But he's not going to let that slow him down in his search for Ms. Right.
What do you see when looking into the mind of a killer? What drives a man to murder beautiful women? I wrote this novel because "Kiss the girls, then they die" answers these questionsby [2 words.] the unknown killer. [Not clear if you mean the killer answers them or asks them. Or are you saying you answer them through the killer?] "I got another one tonight baby," he said softly to the photograph in the cheap imitation leather frame. "That makes three, listen! [Capitalize "listen."] do [Capitalize "do"] you hear the sirens? Do you hear them screaming?" It seemed to him that the girl in the picture was smiling, [End of sentence.] then his lips trembled a little, [and] he bent his head down and kissed the pretty timted [tinted.] mouth." [We're in trouble, and not just because I'm worried this is autobiographical and that I need to report it to the authorities. Most people to whom you might send this won't want an excerpt from the book, and those who don't mind an excerpt, upon noting that the excerpt you chose is riddled with errors, will give up at this point.]
This novel is about misguided revenge on society, [End of sentence.] it is set in the fictional city of Tillman in Tillman County, Illinois; that [It] pits a small city police cheif [chief] against a killer and the Sheriff who hates the cheif [chief]. The novel is approximately 90,000 words and will fit into any crime drama line.
I have published 7 articles (they are attached) they were published one in The Journal of the United States Stamp Society, twice in The Poster (A local post stamp journal), one in the Journal of the German Philatelic Society and the Journal of the American Philatelic Society and one in the Gulf Coast Community College school newspaper. [These credits aren't helpful unless you write The Postage Stamp Murders, set at a stamp collecting convention.]
Enclosed are the articles, [Unnecessary, even if they were relevant.] a synopsis and 3 chapters. thank you for reading my query and material, and I look foward to your reply.
Dear Evil Editor,
When my book is finally finished have 2 more chapters to type I am thinking of changing the title which do you feel would work:
1) Kiss the girls and then they die
2) The lipstick killer (cause the killer kisses and smears the lipstick)
3) The tillman strangler
4) A kiss before strangling (cause he strangles the kisses)
I want to make a title that will sound good so please let me know if any of the four work, you can even wait till you ripped my query
First, the title, since you asked. Number 1, being a play on Georgie Porgie, should be Kiss the Girls and Make Them Die. There've been a couple movies by that name, and of course there's the book/movie about serial killers titled Kiss the Girls. Number 2 is okay, but there was a real serial killer called The Lipstick Killer, so people might think the book is nonfiction. Maybe The Lipstick Murders is catchier, anyway. Number 3: Most serial stranglers are named after the site of their crimes, though using a real city instead of Tillman might be better. Number 4 will remind people of the book/movie A Kiss Before Dying. (Not that filmmakers and publishers don't play off of popular titles all the time.) I'd go with The Lipstick Murders. In any case, the title should be the least of your worries. Only when the book is in bookstores will the title matter, and if the publisher thinks your title sucks, they'll give it a better one.
The query and excerpt have many run-on sentences and misspelled or misused words. While the editor of Stamp Collector Quarterly may be willing to fix a short article, no editor wants to doctor a complete novel filled with errors. They will assume (correctly) that the novel is as filled with errors as the query.
You need to educate yourself on conventions of grammar, punctuation, etc. Then get your book as perfect as you can. Then read a lot of the query critiques on this blog. Then write a query letter that summarizes the story in one page and convinces the reader that your book will sell better than the hundreds of other books that were offered to her this month.