Monday, April 01, 2013

Charity Auction

The Brenda Novak Auction to aid diabetes research ( begins May 1. As usual, Evil Editor will have items up for bid, but for the past three years I've also run my own charity auction concurrently with the BN auction, and this year I'll be offering up the same items as in past years, as thinking up new stuff is too much trouble. And what better day to provide an advance look at the Evil Editor Charity Auction than April 1?

EE in Oil.

Self-portrait. As good as the crap you see in places like the Louvre. By the time your kids inherit it, it'll be worth twenty million.


The Lindbergh Baby
I've had this fellow in my cellar since 1932. He's really become a drain on me, so maybe someone else can take on the responsibility.

Evil Editor's "Throne"

It's like giving up an old friend. I've spent so much time sitting here my ass has worn an impression into the seat. Autographed.


The Gulf of Mexico

I shoulda dumped this a while back. It's a fixer-upper, so you can probably get it dirt cheap.


Frozen Foot of a Hobo

Right foot.


Everything in Evil Editor's Attic Storage Room

Winning bidder will need to bring a truck, boxes and a few workers. Contents of room includes half ton of unopened slush.


An Evaluation of Your First Sentence

by Evil Editor. More manuscripts get rejected after the first sentence than any other sentence. Find out why no one has ever seen your second sentence.

Name a character in your book Evil Editor

Change the name of any character in your book, whether it be a murder mystery, a horror/slasher book, or a historical romance, to Evil Editor! (No lit-fic, please.)

An Evaluation of Your Book's Title

Evil Editor will run your book's title by his minions, who will explain that it doesn't make them want to pick up the book, has been used by too many other authors, or simply sucks--but that it doesn't matter because the publisher will change it anyway.

Wake Up With Jesus

Get a good night's sleep for a change, knowing Jesus will be in your bed when you wake up. Evil Editor will arrange for Jesus (or someone resembling Jesus) to be in your bed when you wake up.


Reminisce about EE
You and one other person will meet for lunch at a restaurant of your choosing and have a lively conversation about Evil Editor. Share your impressions, brag about your contributions to the blog, enjoy a hearty meal.

Transportation, meal and gratuity are the responsibility of the winning bidders.


Evaluation of Your Font

Used to be courier was the default. Then Times muscled in. Now anything readable goes, but you are the worst person to decide if a font you love is readable. And Evil Editor is the best.

Take Evil Jr. to Dinner

You get to grill Evil Jr. about EE while treating him to dinner at his favorite grille.

Evil Jr. guaranteed to show up, but not to be truthful.

ARC of the Covenant
An Advance Rapture Coffer for those who want a look at what awaits. Winning bidder opens at their own risk.

An Evaluation of Your First Word

by Evil Editor, the world's most famous editor. EE has rejected more manuscripts after the 1st word than he can count. Among these first words were "Irregardless," "Eventually," "Bivouac" and "Archau'tnau." Don't risk a 1st-word rejection.

**NOTE: This is an evaluation of your work, not a complete line edit. Winning this read does not guarantee a sale.

Filling of 2 Plot Holes
The last thing your career needs is some snarky book reviewer saying your romance novel has plot holes the size of Hudson Bay. Evil Editor will fill in any two plot holes in one of your novels.

No novelizations of summer blockbuster movies, please.

Evil Editor's Scented Manuscript Paper 
They say smell is the sense that brings forth the strongest emotional reactions. Of course you'd never dip your manuscript in perfume before submitting it, but Evil Editor's scented manuscript paper has a faint aroma that won't be noticed until it reacts with the editor's skin oils and begins wafting toward his nostrils halfway through your pages. Choice of lilac, cinnamon, bacon or new car.

Evaluation of a Proposal, by Evil Editor

Nothing is more likely to send her running in the other direction than a marriage proposal filled with vagueness, adverbs, and misuse of the word "literally." Run your spiel past the world's most famous editor for a complete line edit. Ring not included.

Evil Editor's Junk

Evil Editor recently cleaned out his junk drawers and his attic. Don't miss this rare opportunity to get your hand's on EE's junk.


An Evaluation of Your Name, by Evil Editor

You'd like to think your manuscript has never been rejected just because an editor thought your name was boring, forgettable, blah. Don't be so naive. Let Evil Editor do a complete line edit of your name, and suggest three noms de plume, at least one of which will include a middle name.


An Evaluation of Your Pie Recipe.

Send Evil Editor your pie, Fed-Ex, overnight. EE will provide a critique within 48 hours.

A Complete Housekeeping Critique, by Evil Editor

EE will move into your home and critique your housekeeping methods, including how you fold your T-shirts, how efficiently you store your kitchen utensils, whether your shower needs grout work, and why you vacuum in the wrong direction.



BuffySquirrel said...


Veronica Rundell said...

Are interesting trades considered?
I've got Jon Voight's pencil rescued from the tragic fire that claimed his Le Baron.
Or, how 'bout Anthony Quinn's t-shirt?

Dave said...

I wish I could make my eyes shoot out evil death rays when I look at some of the work my 6th grade students hand in.

Unfortunately, I can't just read the first sentence and then toss it in the trash.

Dave Fragments said...

Damn, I'm in the market for a left foot.
Got Too many right foots...

Tk said...



Though you should put the plot hole one up for real auction :)

khazar-khum said...

I'll take a Plot Hole Filling Bulldozer, please, with a side of Winning Proposals.

Jo Antareau said...

But they're all soooo good....I can't decide!