Tuesday, April 02, 2013
Guess the Plot
Guardian of the Phoenix
1. Joel was born for greatness--and he's going to achieve it, just as soon as he can find someone to watch Uncle Marvin's weird parrot.
2. Sheryl's substitute teaching job explodes in a dazzling pyrotechnic display that burns down the science lab. Now she's desperate to take any job--even pet-sitting in creepy Zanzibar Manor.
3. When Gwyn learns that her childhood necklace, "the Phoenix," is the only thing keeping the sun burning in the sky, she realizes it was possibly a mistake to give it to a vampire who wants to extinguish the sun so it'll always be night.
4. Tipped off by lapsed minions, Internet hacker Shazam targets the firewall blocking insightful blog posts of southern writer, Phoenix. Soon Shazam is on the run from ace detective Zach Martinez. Also, an evil editor.
5. After a bizarre series of fatal highway "accidents," 42-year-old paraplegic tax lawyer Jill Walters finds herself the legal guardian of 14-year-old super heroine The Phoenix, who's determined to avenge her parents' deaths.
6. When Wendy signed up to become a foster parent, she certainly didn't anticipate having a little pyromaniac in her house. Now, how to use the kid in an insurance scam?
Gwyn has spent her whole life pretending to be something she's not… human. But when you're going to live forever, seventeen years of lying shouldn't be a big deal. Guardian of the Phoenix is complete at 58,742 words and would fit in to the Paranormal Young Adult genre. [That sentence could be placed at the front of the last paragraph where it won't interrupt the plot summary.]
Gwyn has been playing the part of human for so long, [In the previous paragraph 17 years was next to nothing. Now it's sooooooo long.] she has denied who and what she really is, an immortal. [We learned she's pretending to be human and she's immortal in the first paragraph. You must think we have really short attention spans. Dump the entire first paragraph and open: "17-year-old Gwyn has been playing . . . ] But with immortality comes responsibility, and her guardianship comes far sooner than she ever expected. [When did she expect it?]
Her treasured childhood necklace turns out to be the Phoenix, the only thing keeping the sun burning in the sky. It is her responsibility to protect it.
She is devastated when she finds out because she’s already given it away. [Why would a 17-year-old keep some plastic bead necklace she had when she was 4? It's bad enough giving a child the only thing keeping the sun burning in the sky, but to not even tell her to protect it is the height of stupidity.] Her desperate attempt to prove her love to a dhampire, [For those not in the know, a dhampire is vampire who works for the Dharma Initiative.] [No, seriously, it's the offspring of a vampire and a human woman, and my embarrassment at not previously knowing this is matched only by the author's at not knowing it's spelled "dhampir."] Nolan, has threatened the balance of the world. [She attempted to prove her love for Nolan by giving him her childhood necklace?] [I shouldn't talk, on my 3rd date with my 2nd soul mate I gave her my Tonka truck and she gave me her Barbie doll. We were both 23.] Nolan’s vampire father would like nothing better than to end the reason for Gwyn’s existence, allowing night to reign always. [If you mean he wants to destroy her necklace, stopping the sun from burning in the sky, has he given any consideration to the fact that it would soon become really cold? And all the food sources would die off, including those of dhampir?] [Note that the plural of "dhampir" is "dhampir." You may need to know that someday.]
On top of all of that, Gwyn is falling for Brandt, the Phoenix's soul mate. [I thought the Phoenix was a necklace. What's it's soul mate? A bracelet? She's falling for a bracelet?] [Two sentences ago she was proving her love for Nolan and already she's falling for Brandt?]
She's got a major decision to make; become the Guardian of the Phoenix or let the sun set for the last time. [Tough decision. I'd start by making a list of all the advantages and disadvantages of a burning sun.
Can see the moon
Can start a fire with a magnifying glass
Blindness from looking at eclipses
Easier for the Borg to find us]
I want to sincerely thank you for your time. I have a full manuscript available should you be interested in reading Guardian of the Phoenix. This novel can stand alone, but I have the desire for it to become a series. I am currently working on the second novel which features a new main character.
Who gave Gwyn the only thing keeping the sun burning in the sky, and why?
Who was responsible for the necklace before Gwyn, and why has this person been replaced?
Who are Gwyn's parents?Are they immortal too? How can you tell someone's immortal when they've been alive only 17 years? Is she a goddess? A dhampir? A zombie?
This is all setup. You don't tell us anything that happens in the book. And the situation you've set up doesn't make a lot of sense. If it all makes sense in the book, rewrite the query in a way that shows it.