Friday, March 25, 2011
Guess the Plot
Souls and Sex
1. High school senior Summer Shore falls for the dark brooding new guy. Little does she know he's a demon, interested in just two things.
2. Our souls are a major part of our physical world and knowing about them makes sex better. This memoir touches on that topic, plus the trials and tribulations of my attempt to get it published.
3. When the headless body of singer Crimson washes ashore in El Segundo, homicide detective Zack Martinez knows two things: whoever did this hated her new song, and he's going to have to break the bad news that the concert is canceled to his 12-year-old daughter.
4. Ghost couple Morty and Morticia have a problem- no bodies, ergo no sex. When Morticia possesses the body of Melissa, a hot high-school cheerleader, Morty reciprocates by possessing Jake, a geeky virgin freshman. Can they manage to "do the deed" before Melissa's football captain boyfriend makes Morty dead again?
5. Eager to experience the pleasures of the flesh, Halo and Hoopy infiltrate a demonic possession cult only to find their souls imprisoned inside a sacrificial goat on the eve of the Antichrist's return. If they can figure out quadruped limb anatomy, maybe they can make it back to Heaven — unless the suicidal zealot of a herbivore thinks otherwise.
6. Good sex is an intersection of souls, claims reknowned sexpert Dr. Lilian Jenkwold. But say you don't want somebody's sticky, sweaty soul touching yours? How the hell do you clean that? Anna thought she had it covered with extra strength condoms and Hibeclens, but noooooo. A novel of physical love in the OCD world.
Dear Mr. Evil Editor:
I thought I’d been everywhere and done everything. Then last week I was surfing the Internet, found Miss Snark, and there you were. So here I am. [How did Miss Snark let you get away?]
BOOK 1: SOULS & SEX is the first book that materializes our souls. [Ah, that's how.] Our souls are a major part of our physical world [Or at least they will be, after my book materializes them.] and knowing about them makes sex better. My soul is an active participant in my life.
BOOK 1 ends the four-century war between religion and science. [Finally. Who wins?] It addresses my trials and tribulations of becoming published, how the book industry is sabotaging itself [by not publishing my books], and other big thoughts [that have nothing to do with souls or sex] from my average American work-boot wearing middle-class life.
I am a virgin author [A virgin author writing a book about sex is like a Scotsman writing a cookbook.] with a nonconforming book that cannot be easily classified. If you are interested in reading my entire 77,000-word creative nonfiction memoir/journal, [So, apparently it can be easily classified.] I will happily give you exclusivity, and complete solitude, for six long-ass weeks.
Cheers likesa beers,
Your book consists of thoughts you've had about stuff? And soul theories? It's going to be a hard sell. Look through the book and find the most interesting stuff (interesting to other people, not you) and work it into the query. Next, eliminate everything that's already here. Then see what you have. It's sure to be better than this.
Is the title Book 1? If so, at least naming the sequel won't be hard.
I'm tempted to request the manuscript, not so much in hopes that it will be unintentionally hilarious, but because I like the idea of getting six weeks of complete solitude.