Friday, March 25, 2011

Face-Lift 883

Guess the Plot

Souls and Sex

1. High school senior Summer Shore falls for the dark brooding new guy. Little does she know he's a demon, interested in just two things.

2. Our souls are a major part of our physical world and knowing about them makes sex better. This memoir touches on that topic, plus the trials and tribulations of my attempt to get it published.

3. When the headless body of singer Crimson washes ashore in El Segundo, homicide detective Zack Martinez knows two things: whoever did this hated her new song, and he's going to have to break the bad news that the concert is canceled to his 12-year-old daughter.

4. Ghost couple Morty and Morticia have a problem- no bodies, ergo no sex. When Morticia possesses the body of Melissa, a hot high-school cheerleader, Morty reciprocates by possessing Jake, a geeky virgin freshman. Can they manage to "do the deed" before Melissa's football captain boyfriend makes Morty dead again?

5. Eager to experience the pleasures of the flesh, Halo and Hoopy infiltrate a demonic possession cult only to find their souls imprisoned inside a sacrificial goat on the eve of the Antichrist's return. If they can figure out quadruped limb anatomy, maybe they can make it back to Heaven — unless the suicidal zealot of a herbivore thinks otherwise.

6. Good sex is an intersection of souls, claims reknowned sexpert Dr. Lilian Jenkwold. But say you don't want somebody's sticky, sweaty soul touching yours? How the hell do you clean that? Anna thought she had it covered with extra strength condoms and Hibeclens, but noooooo. A novel of physical love in the OCD world.

Original Version

Dear Mr. Evil Editor:

I thought I’d been everywhere and done everything. Then last week I was surfing the Internet, found Miss Snark, and there you were. So here I am. [How did Miss Snark let you get away?]

BOOK 1: SOULS & SEX is the first book that materializes our souls. [Ah, that's how.] Our souls are a major part of our physical world [Or at least they will be, after my book materializes them.] and knowing about them makes sex better. My soul is an active participant in my life.

BOOK 1 ends the four-century war between religion and science. [Finally. Who wins?] It addresses my trials and tribulations of becoming published, how the book industry is sabotaging itself [by not publishing my books], and other big thoughts [that have nothing to do with souls or sex] from my average American work-boot wearing middle-class life.

I am a virgin author [A virgin author writing a book about sex is like a Scotsman writing a cookbook.] with a nonconforming book that cannot be easily classified. If you are interested in reading my entire 77,000-word creative nonfiction memoir/journal, [So, apparently it can be easily classified.] I will happily give you exclusivity, and complete solitude, for six long-ass weeks.

Cheers likesa beers,


Your book consists of thoughts you've had about stuff? And soul theories? It's going to be a hard sell. Look through the book and find the most interesting stuff (interesting to other people, not you) and work it into the query. Next, eliminate everything that's already here. Then see what you have. It's sure to be better than this.

Is the title Book 1? If so, at least naming the sequel won't be hard.

I'm tempted to request the manuscript, not so much in hopes that it will be unintentionally hilarious, but because I like the idea of getting six weeks of complete solitude.


Dave Fragments said...

This query reminds me of that infamous canned product:
"HAGGIS in a can"
Which is gourmet food for, I guess, for those who can't cook and never want to try.

...A book for those who only think in grand concepts and high ideas...

vkw said...

Do you know want to know what deep thoughts come to mind when I read this query? Tough, I'm going to tell you anyway.

Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.

Why? (I ask myself because I know no one would actually want more information).

Two reasons -

One - this book may be that good and that crazy. It could be the next cult bestseller. (Unlikely, yet stranger things have happened. Like Twilight was published and became a bestseller).

Two - I ask myself what the query letter for Hitchhikers would have been.

Now that would be an interesting writer's challenge - pick a favorite books the more outlandish the better and write the query for it.

Now back to your query . . . nah. My deep thoughts have drifted to . . . whe the hell is going to take out the garbage today. Then I decided, it will be me.


BuffySquirrel said...

Hitchhikers never had a query letter, so speculation about its nature would be fruitless. Hmm, what else here is fruitless?

150 said...

No hoax tag?

Evil Editor said...

Not a hoax, but one of the queries described in the March 14 posts, so little chance the author will see any comments.

Trisha said...

Oh my gosh, this is awkward. ;)

Anonymous said...

Hitchhiker's Guide was funny with that kinda self-aware, self-mocking British humor (or humour) that is so... funny.

This is funny without being aware it's funny.

no-bull-steve said...

True Story:

2 months ago a guy showed up at our Writer's Group for the first time (a one). He'd not yet written his screenplay but informed us that his idea was so amazing (and had to do with two guys talking about stuff) that he wanted us to suggest ways he could write something up to sell the idea.

IMO, that's what this query sounds like.

Ink and Pixel Club said...

The best advice I can offer is to start a blog, since this book sounds like a blog already. Post your various thoughts on souls, sex, and how the publishing industry won't recognize your genius. A blog allows you to jump around from topic to topic, while a book usually needs to be more coherent than your thought on a variety of unrelated topics, unless you are already famous and people want to know what you think about anything and everything. If your blog takes off and people are absolutely fascinated by your pearls of wisdom, then you can approach a publisher and explain how you wish to write a book based on your phenomenally popular blog,hopefully with a better title than "Book 1." As it stands, you are basically trying to sell the memoirs of a person no one knows with no evidence of a compelling story or single revolutionary idea. If materializing souls - whatever that means - is really going to improve people's lives, make sex better, and end the war between science and religion, then make the book about that. Dump the "The publishing industry is self-destructing because there's no other explanation for why it's so hard for me to publish my book" and "big thoughts from the average person" stuff. Those are separate books. If no one knows who you are and you don't have an amazing story to lire readers in, then you need to hook your audience with one big idea, not every thought that comes into your head.

AA said...

"Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little window and think, ``Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in THAT.''"

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Trisha said...

I love that plot about Crimson's headless corpse though ;)

Xenith said...


Oh, I have missed this place.

(BuffySquirrel told me to send my query here, so here I am, looking for the link & trying to focus long enough to send an email. It might take a while.)