Tuesday, March 08, 2011
Guess the Plot
The Four Prophecy
1. If the Buddha has three lotus blossoms and our collective unconscious dreams up another, how many lotus blossoms will there be? I predict there will be four. A new age counting book for esoteric infants.
2. The user known as Beelzebub objects to the sunset of his favorite MMO game. When he turns out to be the actual Lord of Flies, consultant Death (pronounced Deeth) breaks a few rules to bring in his three buddies for an end-of-the-world takedown.
3. Galeeka has lived her whole life in the Temple, learning to be a Priestess to the Goddess. When the High Priestess of Halfard singles her out as the embodiment of the Four Prophecy, will it mean eternal damnation--or being sent to a High School in New York?
4. Takisha and Bud learn their credit cards have all been canceled, the phone goes dead, and the zombie who lives next door leaves a mess on their sidewalk. Bad luck comes in 4's, so . . . What's next?
5. As Todd prepares his "Shoe Shoppe" business plan, he smokes too much of the wrong stuff. Three days later he emerges from the basement with red glowing eyes and a 600-page manifesto predicting a quartet of malevolent spirits will take over the world in 2015 unless precautions are taken now. Everyone laughs until the eerie happenings he says will precede the takeover begin to occur. Can Janine and Max help him save the world?
6. The Four Prophecy says that Mard and his three friends will defeat the evil tyrant known as Armoth. But two of his friends have better things to do, so it's down to Mard and Malia. Can Malia talk Mard out of taking on Armoth? Or will Mard convince her that it was really the Two Prophecy?
Dear Evil Editor,
Prophecies don't always come true. [Stop the presses! We've got a scoop!]
Standing beside the smoldering remnants of Crayden, Mard, Malia, and two others hear an ancient prophecy from a dying old man. [Until we get to the word "hear," we're thinking the "smoldering remnants" are the smoldering remnants of Crayden, Mard, Malia and two others. When we then get to the word "hear," we realize that either we screwed up the reading or you screwed up the writing, so we either go back to read more carefully, or we ball up the query and pretend we're playing the Paper Toss app. Life imitating art imitating life. Those few who choose to reread the sentence and decipher its meaning can't tell if Crayden is a person or a place, and if Crayden is a person, we can't tell if he's the dying old man or if he's ashes and there's a dying old man also present who wasn't in the inferno, or if the dying old man died centuries ago, and someone else is quoting his prophecy. We could try to figure it out, but we've already put so much work into this query that we cut our losses by balling it up and pretending we're playing the Paper Toss app.] Four heroes? Sole survivors of an inferno? His eerie words describe their situation perfectly. [Amazing. How could he possibly know their situation? Oh, right, he's there.] [Actually, if they were truly heroes, wouldn't they have rescued some of the people who died in the inferno?]
The prophecy says the Four can attain the power to vanquish the darkness, and to Mard, that means one thing: defeating the tyrant Armoth. [To Malia, it means she must locate her flashlight.]
When Mard discovers darkness guards, Armoth's servants, murdered his parents, he uses the prophecy to justify vengeance. [Another sentence that will stop some readers cold. We aren't familiar with the term "darkness guards" so we try to read the word "guards" as a verb, but this doesn't help, so we assume you screwed up again. Maybe you should capitalize Darkness Guards. Or maybe you should delete it and just go with Armoth's servants. Or his minions or henchmen.] The other two pursue different goals, but Malia joins Mard in his quest because she cares for him and knows he can't succeed on his own. That, and deep down, Malia wants a little vengeance of her own; darkness guards destroyed everything she knew when they torched her city.
But Armoth's magical obstacles stand between them and their destination, Darkness Mountain. Buffeted by whirlwinds, blasted by sandstorms, enveloped by a forest of sheer darkness, Malia must use her resourcefulness, and Mard his strength, just to survive the journey. [Two stalwart heroes making their way to the mountain of prophecy, where they will attempt to recover the lost Ring of Power with which they can destroy the evil villain.]
However, strange symbols in the desert indicate it is not yet time to confront Armoth. Malia needs no more convincing, but despite the bond between she [her] and Mard, her well-reasoned arguments fall on deaf ears. Mard won't change his mind. [That sentence says the same thing the previous phrase said.] [Which one of them deciphered the strange symbols? If the symbols are so strange, how can they have any confidence that they mean anything or that they were intended for them? I'm surprised any symbols remain intact after sandstorms and whirlwinds.]
According to the prophecy, only together can the Four vanquish the darkness. Can Malia bring Mard to his senses before it's too late? [So the big closing cliffhanger question isn't Can Malia and Mard defeat Armoth? It's Can Malia talk Mard out of even trying?]
THE FOUR PROPHECY is a fantasy novel, complete at 90,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.
If Mard is truly using the prophecy to justify vengeance, and the prophecy says only with all four can they win, he should be spending his time recruiting the other two instead of crossing deserts and forests.
No one would name their kid Mard, and if they did, he would go by his middle name.
Based on the query, Mard was ready to take on Armoth as soon as he heard the prophecy. Yet in the next sentence it's declared that he goes after Armoth only after discovering Armoth's behind his parents' death. Which is it?