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Guess the Plot

Dark Inheritance

1. Sydney Fermoyle's got oil. Uncle Jack left him the wells, along with instructions for a ridiculous ritual that must be performed before each new drilling. When Sydney tosses the instructions, strange, shadowy creatures begin to haunt the wells.

2. Lorraine's late mother always referred to her childhood home as "the ancestral castle of pure evil." So when Lorraine learns that she's inherited the old house, she does what any goth girl would: she moves right in.

3. When 10-year-old Petra's eccentric Uncle Nox dies, she inherits his estate, the Kingdom of Night. But the evil troll Dunkel believes he is the rightful heir. Can Petra and her loyal bats and owls thwart Dunkel's evil schemes before her parents start enforcing curfew?

4. With few memories of Grandpa Pete, twelve-year-old Misty isn't sure how to feel about his death. When she's visited by Mabel, Herald of the Dark, Misty learns grandpa Pete wasn't just any old grandfather; he was Lord Dark, the only hero on Earth capable of holding the evil ghoul brigade at bay. Now that Misty has inherited that title, can she learn to wield Pete's wand in time?

5. Julia, 28 and lovely, is alone in the world after her parents die in a fire that left only a mound of ashes and two silver stakes. Rex Hamilton, the handsome executor of their wills, informs her that as the mortal child of two vampires, she must atone for every life they took or become a vampire herself. Horrified, Julia pleads for Rex's help -- but eventually she decides being a vampire is worth it. Could it be she saw Rex's billing rates?

6. Possessed by a demon, Una is in danger of losing her soul. She does have one ace in the hole: Dark Power, which she inherited from her mother. But is that enough to exorcise an incredibly strong demon before it takes control? Who knew being a teenager would be so aggravating?



Original Version

Your Esteemed Evilness,

Life sucks for Una White. Her mom is not only famous (for varied reasons) but also extremely overprotective and controlling. It doesn't help much that Una has the ability to read people so well that she can figure out what annoys someone in under five minutes. [If I'm annoying someone, it takes me only a few seconds to figure out what I'm doing . . . and to start doing even more of it.] [What are you saying, Una has a super power that allows her to look at a complete stranger and determine within five minutes that he is annoyed by people chewing their ice, even though Una hasn't seen anyone chew ice in his presence? I don't see how that would be useful except that she can avoid chewing ice in his presence, but as it takes her five minutes to figure out that he's annoyed by ice chewers, she might chew ice three minutes after meeting him, and then two minutes later she realizes that she's gotten off on the wrong foot. She needs to hone her skill so that she can tell what annoys someone within five seconds.] Safe to say that Mom doesn't much approve of Una's new bad boy beau, Auryen. [Apparently Auryen chews his ice?]

But when some of Mom's old enemies from her past [Your old enemies are always from the past.] come back for revenge, Una's caught in the crosshairs. [I think you better tell us what Mom is famous for, so we have an idea what form this revenge is likely to take.] Sporting a new Mark from their attack, she discovers that not only does she have an incredibly strong Demonica [Nice of you to capitalize the words I need to look up so I can find them more easily. I'm guessing a Demonica is a demon who, in a past existence, was football player Daryl Lamonica. No idea what a Mark is. Perhaps if I took up World of Warcraft it would all make sense?] using her for a host body but she also has some Dark Power that got genetically passed down to her from her mom.

Now it's a race against time to exorcize the demon from Una before the Mark spreads and Una loses control. But in order to rid Una of the demon, her mom must first trust Auryen because he may be the only one with the key to saving Una's soul.

Dark Inheritance is a Young Adult fantasy complete at 70,000 words.

Thank you,


Notes

It's not clear to me whether the Demonica is connected to Mom's enemies. Are the enemies responsible for the Demonica?

Also, I don't see how the Demonica can be described as "incredibly strong," when it's not even in control.

I don't see what the 3rd sentence has to do with anything. Why not start out:

Life sucks for Una White. Not only does she have an overprotective mom who doesn't approve of her boyfriend Auryen, but she's also possessed by a demon.

Then you can say something like: Luckily for Una, the demon is incredibly weak--so far--so there may be time to exorcise it before it takes control and kills her soul/destroys the Earth/ruins her birthday party.

In other words, what's at stake, and what does Una plan to do about it, and what's making it almost impossible to do it?

If you can avoid using the terms Demonica and Mark, all the better.