Wednesday, June 02, 2010
Guess the Plot
Bound and Fallen
1. Anatoly Green's meteoric rise to the top of his sport and his plummet into drugs, sex, and gambling are recounted in this shocking exposé on professional three legged racing.
2. When dominatrix Katherine goes too far with one of her subjects, she is ostracized by the BDSM community. Can she redeem herself by holding the best spanking-for-orphans charity event that downtown Seattle has ever seen?
3. A Fallen god has tasked Ki with training De, but Ki is bound to fail because the Sister gods and the Rising gods both want De. But Ki doesn't want anyone else to have De because . . . he's kinda cute. Confusion ensues.
4. Mountaineer Raymond Hastings falls to his death just short of the summit of Annapurna. His expedition battle their way to his body and discover that some practical joker tied his bootlaces together.
5. The Dark Angel Cywhythyn has been cast into cyberspace as punishment. One night he appears to Narissa on the other side of her screen while she's on Facebook. She discovers that by pressing CTRL-3 she can join him, which is a good thing because she hates high school, her baby stepbrother, and days that end in "Y."
6. When Lucifer and his clan piss off God, heads start to roll and wings get clipped. God rounds up all of his best--Michael, Gabriel, Raphael--for a battle against the forsaken angel. After losing, Lucifer the Fallen is bound to hell--a condo in Toledo.
Dear Evil Editor,
Ki is fifteen years old and a reluctant Fallen Servant. A trainer she is not.
Unfortunately, her trickster god -- the worst of the Fallen gods -- insists her random new mission is to train a child nicknamed 'De'. And, like [as] usual, her god fails to mention that the 'child' is actually two years older than herself and is an annoyingly attractive boy. Ki would rather face a hundred demons than deal with one cute boy. [What kind of YA female MC is this?]
But in De's house, Ki finds the strangest combo: De's mother [Ma] is a follower of the Sister gods, yet his father [Pa] is possessed by a demon [Oy]. The Sister gods' power protects the entire house but neglects the intruding demon. [That seems contradictory, assuming the demon is a threat.] To make matters worse, De is a Genius, [Are you sure his name isn't Ee?] wanted by both the Rising and Sister gods. A god-war is brewing and Ki's trickster god [Zq] has happily put her in the middle of it. Each god prefers a specific action from Ki, ensuring their exclusive victory. However, Ki wants no one to get De [I need six ibuprofin tablets right now.] -- a budding first friend -- since a god-war is exactly what ruined her own life, four years earlier.
Complete at 80K, BOUND AND FALLEN is a YA fantasy novel. I would be pleased to send it for your review. Thank you for your time and consideration.
This can all be boiled down to one sentence: There's a bunch of gods.
Things I want to know: Is this set on Earth? Are Ki and De human? What's a reluctant Fallen Servant? What is training? Is it like training a dog? Any girl who'd rather face 100 demons than one cute boy must be pretty confident she can defeat demons, so what are Ki's amazing super powers?
We need to know what your main character wants and what's stopping her from getting it. That way we'll care about her and her predicament. The only characters in the query who want anything are the gods, each of whom wants something different from Ki, but we don't even know what. Except that Zq wants her to train De, but we don't know what that means, and it's a random task anyway, so maybe he doesn't really want it.
Start over. Focus on Ki's goal and obstacles. We don't need to know about Fallen and Sister and Rising gods. Just start with a setup statement like: In a world where the gods would rather go to war with each other than watch over their devoted followers, 15-year-old Ki must train De to cook for the Big Kahuna or they'll both be turned into yaks.
Now there's plenty of room to tell us how De can't boil water, and Zq keeps sabotaging Ki's souffles, and all the other hilarious things that lead to god-war.
The main characters' names are distractingly long. If you shorten them to K and D, it will save a lot of space, and possibly a lot of trees. Wait, you can also save ink by changing their names to ` and ~.