Thursday, June 10, 2010

New Beginning 758

Mr. Bimble swiftly strode up the mountain trail in gigantic steps. He swung his walking stick about as if he was a super hero massive in height and long in limb. However, Mr. Bimble was nothing of the sort. To picture Mr. Bimble doing any sort of swift walking just days ago would have been a fantastic feat. For Mr. Bimble was a stout, round fellow with legs low to the ground that bowed out and a belly that confidently swung to and fro when just shuffling along. His arms were so short that often it was exasperating for him just to reach an itch on the back of his wrinkled, flabby neck.

But today he seemed like a giant of the wood. He hiked powerfully along as his large belly bounced with vigor and his arms flew up and down propelling him on a blanket of pine needles. His green eyes sparkled in the dappled sunlight and a slight grin settled on his round face as he climbed higher up the mountain.

* * *

Catherine looked over her husband's shoulder and let out an enormous "tut".


"Mister Bimble?" she exclaimed. "Why do you waste your time writing such nonsense when there are mouths to feed? You are, by far, the worst husband a woman could receive. Do something worthwhile with your talents, for pity's sake."


Charlie tore the page away, crumpled it, and tossed it to the bin. He dipped his pen and began to scratch furiously: "
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times..."


Opening: Donna Galanti.....Continuation: Anon.

6 comments:

Evil Editor said...

Unchosen Continuations:


It was so much fun to watch Mr. Bimble climbing the mountain, wondering if at any moment he would trip on a root and roll back down to the village. But puffing and panting and streaming with sweat, Mr. Bimble made it to the top. Oh, it was such hard work; but maybe Mr. Bimble will remember his near-coronary and never again let Mrs. Bimble's little Maisie off her leash in the woods. Will you dear?

--Anon.


Another donut, Mister Bimble?

"Fuck off, Harry. And it's pronounced Bim-blay."

--anon.

Evil Editor said...

This certainly makes the reader curious about why Mr. Bimble is zooming up the mountain.

My main problem is with the sentence:

To picture Mr. Bimble doing any sort of swift walking just days ago would have been a fantastic feat.

Is it the walking or the picturing that would have been a fantastic feat? The sentence says it's the picturing, but picturing something isn't a fantastic feat.

If it's the walking, and Mr. Bimble has become a super hill climber simply because he's highly motivated to get to whatever's on the mountain, we don't need this sentence, because we're already wondering what's motivating him.

If it's the picturing, you might say: Just days ago the idea of Mr. Bimble doing any sort of swift walking would have been unimaginable.

That also works if it's the walking and something happened in the last few days to make Mr. Bimble a super hill climber, like he was granted super powers.


I don't know how one distinguishes between a belly swinging to and fro confidently and not confidently.

Though I wasn't particularly bothered by He swung his walking stick about as if he was a super hero massive in height and long in limb, it does imply that super heroes swing sticks about. Maybe a swordsman?

Dave F. said...

I would simply delete from the first "Mr Bimble" up to the second "Mr. Bimble."

That lets you begin with "Mr. Bimble was a stout," etc... and then hit the second paragraph head on. I consider the second paragraph a repetition of the ideas in your first 3 sentences.

Now you can use the word "strode" instead of the dread verb-adverb "hiked powerfully." I would also change bounced to bouncing and delete "with vigor". That necessitates using flying instead of flew and bringing in the idea of his feet propelling him along (as it is, I thought Bimble was flapping his arms and flying)

vkw said...

I started to re-write this because I liked it enough to care but thought it could be better. but then was changing its tone and I like yours so some comments

It was a catchy opening. I would read on.

But some changes,

To picture Mr. Bimble doing any sort of swift walking . . .

should change to something like

Just a few short days ago, the very idea of Mr. Bimble doing any sort of swift walking would be unimaginable.

I would take out his arms because although interesting it bogs the opening a bit.

P2

his arms flapped about him as pine needles scattered in his wake.

"dappled sunlight" hmmm not sure about that

and didn't like

slight grin settled; prefer - slight grin crossed his face, shone brightly on his round face, glimmered in the dappled sunlight.

I would leave out the climbed higher up the mountain.

We get that already.

Joanna Hoyt said...

I really like this, though I agree with Dave about 'strode" being better than 'hiked powerfully.'

_*rachel*_ said...

You could probably do with fewer Mr. Bimbles and adverbs, but don't overdo it and ruin your style.

My main revision:

For Mr. Bimble was a stout, round fellow with legs that were low to the ground and bowed out, and a belly that swung to and fro as he shuffled along.

I'm perplexed by how a belly can be confident.

This reminds me a bit of Narnia stylistically; it's a very storytelling style tailor-made for children and not all bad for adults, either. The sort that'd be fun to read aloud.