tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post1240749126930646486..comments2024-03-26T18:28:06.391-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: Face-Lift 789Evil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger11125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-75679836296092384682010-07-06T18:25:24.971-04:002010-07-06T18:25:24.971-04:00Eric ftw!
This strikes me as mostly setup. Sugges...Eric ftw!<br /><br />This strikes me as mostly setup. Suggest that you spend more time on what happens in the book and what Una _does_.batgirlhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15143310557906978680noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-6895232671504355082010-07-02T12:06:23.010-04:002010-07-02T12:06:23.010-04:00The Demonica is very lovely when playing trios wit...The Demonica is very lovely when playing trios with the Infernoboe and Necronomiccordion.Erichttp://www.ericpazdziora.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-24023458677191730612010-07-02T01:11:23.558-04:002010-07-02T01:11:23.558-04:00Some questions you might consider answering:
1. Wh...Some questions you might consider answering:<br />1. What, specifically, is her mom famous for?<br />2. What old enemies? Demons? People? The IRS?<br />3. Is a Demonica a female demon, or a very bad sounding musical instrument?<br />4. How does she know she has this Dark Power?<br />5. What is a "Dark Power"? What is it good for?<br />6. How does a mark- excuse me, a Mark- spread?<br />7. What does Auryen have that is the key to saving Una's soul?<br />8. Does all this take place in our world, or some other world?<br />9. Most importantly, how is the reader supposed to identify with a psychic, demon-possessed teenager whose mother is famous?<br />Inquiring minds want to know.St0n3hengehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08504412781917592790noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-51576484025504730452010-06-30T11:03:04.004-04:002010-06-30T11:03:04.004-04:00This one lost me, too. I agree with 150: be specif...This one lost me, too. I agree with 150: be specific. And it irks me to read that her mother is famous, but no explanation is given as to why. Not to sound mean, but it makes me think it has little importance to the story, so why is it at the beginning of the query?angela robbinshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07114119913653244467noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-28269871570821947382010-06-29T16:45:04.118-04:002010-06-29T16:45:04.118-04:00Old enemies don't have to be from your past. I...Old enemies don't have to be from your past. It is possible you have a herd of vengeance seeking senior citizens who hate you.Eileenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07967828178034612278noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-51007065856139915232010-06-29T15:09:49.999-04:002010-06-29T15:09:49.999-04:00well, I agree with EE and the rest of the minions ...well, I agree with EE and the rest of the minions so far but now let's pick apart the last part of the query - <br /><br />using her for a host body but she also has some Dark Power that got genetically passed down to her from her mom. (this could be written: Una discovers she is the host body for a demon and dark magic that (could destroy the world, make her into a vampire, take over the world or rid the world of fried chicken, etc) if not controlled. <br /><br />Avoid "gentically passed down" "got"<br /><br />who cares where she got it? Could have been marsh water, who cares.<br /><br /><br />Now it's a race against time to exorcize the demon from Una before the Mark spreads and Una loses control. But in order to rid Una of the demon, her mom must first trust Auryen because he may be the only one with the key to saving Una's soul.<br /><br />Could be written -<br /><br />The demon must be exorcised before it (hatches from her body, takes over her soul, mind and body, rids the world of watermelon) or she loses control of the evil power that is threatening to (consume her soul, clean her room or makes her break up with boyfriend, makes her addicted to candy).<br /><br />In order to save Una, her mother must trust the boyfriend, who (may or may not? I don't think so because you know you know and I know you know and we both know that he does.) has the (resources/wand/sexy stamina/hard rippling muscles/the sacred, top secret scroll to save her.) Una, however, must find the courage/stamina/willingness to overcome her own personal demon by . . . . cleaning her room, if she is to be saved. <br /><br />But the three heroes are running out of time . . . because the boyfriend is moving to Ohio to go to college next month, demon or no demon be damned. <br /><br />Una needs to step up to the plate here and show that she is a hero worth writing about or your book's main character should be the boyfriend or the mother. <br /><br />(I had the same problem, which a minion pointed out when I submitted by query and syn, and resulted in a huge amount of rewriting. I didn't like the advice but the minion was absolutely correct. Readers want to read about the HERO not the VICTIM). <br /><br />vkw<br /><br />P.S. why should i care if Una can figure out what annoys me in five minutes? Children are able to figure out immediately that whining/crying/begging/tattle-telling/yelling annoy me immediately - as noted by the fact they do this around me. but you don't care about but you must give me a reason to care that Una has this skillvkwnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-66603685110555485052010-06-29T14:58:49.103-04:002010-06-29T14:58:49.103-04:00So exorcise your Demonica, and celebrate Hanukkah!...So exorcise your Demonica, and celebrate Hanukkah! Don't be vagueronica and incite 150's Specificanica...<br /><br />Okay, so her mom is like a "Hit Person" for Demons or something? Why are you hiding that if it connects to the central plot of the book?<br /><br />Contradiction. Mom is both extremely over-protective and controlling...yet she let's her date a bad boy beau??? Does not compute. What's he over-protective and controlling about, how she wears her hair???<br /><br />Sounds like the beginings of a cool story here but it needs to be flushed out. And after my rant from a week ago, I must say....<br />GREAT TITLE!Stephen Prosapiohttp://www.prosapio.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-34676319621889655482010-06-29T12:13:45.416-04:002010-06-29T12:13:45.416-04:00Why be coy about the sources of Una's mom'...Why be coy about the sources of Una's mom's fame? How does her fame make Una's life suck, and how is it essential to the plot? Seemingly, it's mom's misbehavior, not her fame, that puts Una in the crosshairs. <br /><br />I'm harping on that one thing, but there are others. The query suggests that you simply haven't thought things through.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-24077048837848982942010-06-29T11:41:58.907-04:002010-06-29T11:41:58.907-04:00Sounds like the first Weather Wardens book by Rach...Sounds like the first Weather Wardens book by Rachel Caine.<br /><br />The MC is stuck with a Demon Mark that eats at her like a cancer.<br /><br />Of course, that one was rather better thought out.<br /><br />Una? Her mom named her Una? On purpose????Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-26444482146100228402010-06-29T10:38:04.296-04:002010-06-29T10:38:04.296-04:00Things that went through my head:
1. Her mom is f...Things that went through my head:<br /><br />1. Her mom is famous for...what? Even if there's more than one reason, pick the most important one.<br /><br />2."Una has the ability to read people so well that she can figure out what annoys someone in under five minutes." What does that mean? I know what you're trying to get at, actually, but it's very much not clear from the get go. If her ability is truly that strong, keep it simple and clear "Una has the ability to read people so well she's practically psychic".<br /><br />3. "Safe to say that Mom doesn't much approve of Una's new bad boy beau, Auryen." Sequence? The sentence between the first and third doesn't relate to them enough and they end up feeling randomly thrown together.<br /><br />4. "Una's caught in the crosshairs." I think the word you want here is crossfire. Crosshairs, slightly different thing. <br /><br />5. Demonica? Mark? What? <br /><br />6. "But in order to rid Una of the demon, her mom must first trust Auryen because he may be the only one with the key to saving Una's soul." And uh...what does Una do? Even if she's trying to run away from her problem rather than fight it, she'd at least be doing <i>something</i>. Instead the story sounds like it's about Boyfriend and Mom doing all the work while Una does zilch. <br /><br />It's short, which is good. There aren't loads of extraneous details. I think you just don't quite have the <i>right</i> details in the <i>right</i> sequence.Anon Y. Authorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12439589464351802473noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-50515583566638756842010-06-29T09:08:12.486-04:002010-06-29T09:08:12.486-04:00*strolls past wearing a sandwich board that says B...*strolls past wearing a sandwich board that says BE SPECIFIC*<br /><br />I've got no idea whether this is a secondary world or not. Specifics will help.150noreply@blogger.com