Face-Lift 288

Guess the Plot

The Leprechaun Connection

1. Popeye Doyle and Cloudy Russo come out of retirement for one more bust after stumbling on a container-load of Lucky Charms.

2. Taran McSwilligan is only an eighth-grade geek, but even he can see the problems extant in using live leprechauns as relay switches for his eire-ish island's electrical system. Can Taran perfect his leprechaun cryo-freeze and stabilize the connections before the whole year's stash of frozen fish melts into a steaming puddle of fertilizer?

3. Hired to track down a billionaire's daughter, a private eye stumbles upon a dimension of elves, gnomes . . . and leprechauns. Not only that, she must assume the throne to prevent all of humanity from slipping into the black hole of nothingness.

4. The manufacturer of Amy's new cell phone used warm fuzzy names for all the parts, so she wasn't surprised to find a button for the "leprechaun connection." But she was surprised to push it and find herself lost in a patch of clover, with huge bees buzzing overhead.

5. Moira's mission is to get crucial documents from Belfast to Stockholm, but getting the documents out of Ireland is proving tricky--and she's being followed by a dark stranger who may be after more than the papers. Can Moira reach the dropoff point to make . . . The Leprechaun Connection?

6. When the DEA recruits his roommate Julian to discover Andy's mushroom source, Julian is shocked to find the source is an actual Leprechaun. Will the DEA believe him? Also, a centaur with bladder control issues and an exhibitionist wood nymph.


Original Version

To the Evilest of All Editors:

Why are leprechauns stealing human children to work in factories purloined from forest gnomes? [I don't know. And odds are you aren't going to tell me.]

P.I. Puck Railian would like an answer as she tracks down a billionaire’s kidnapped daughter.
She almost captures [is about to capture] a leprechaun when elven warrior Kellen, who insists she is the lost heir to the throne of Shadowrealm, waylays her. He agrees to help her find the missing girl if Puck ascends Shadowrealm’s throne in a coup overthrowing the troll-led government. All Puck wants to do is find the kid to collect her reward. The closer she gets to finding the girl, the more she learns about herself. [Dump that sentence; it interrupts the flow of the plot description.] But when she discovers that her father is still alive and held prisoner by the corrupt leader, it only entangles her deeper into the politics of Earth’s alternate dimension, Shadowrealm. If Puck refuses the throne, the consequences are dire as a rift between the two worlds will widen, imploding both worlds, spilling banshees, ogres, humans, and gnomes into the black hole of nothingness. [The black hole of nothingness! I think we've finally found a phrase to replace the nexus of time travel itself.] [It seems to me that if the rightful heir not being on the throne would open the black hole of nothingness, it would already be open. It would have opened when the troll leader took the throne. We'd all be dead.]

Will Puck find the missing child? Will she discover the leprechaun connection? Will she be able to prevent a civil war in Shadowrealm? Will she fall [into the black hole of nothingness?] for the handsome elven warrior? [And last but not least, Why are leprechauns stealing human children to work in factories purloined from forest gnomes?] The answer to these questions, and more, lie between the pages of THE LEPRECHAUN CONNECTION. [Between the pages? What's on the pages?]

I had a difficult time researching this novel, since alternate dimension traveling is out of my financial ability. I did manage a trip to Germany to view the gnome’s Black Forest factories, and I must say the sale of wooden smokers, nutcracker, and ornaments are providing the gnomes a thriving cottage industry. And I’m happy to report the Scottish Doonies are back to their shape-shifting tricks again, according to the locals. [Very cute. Now get rid of it. Your editor/agent may want to meet her latest client. You don't want her worrying that it's going to go:

You: Sorry I'm late. Gnomes and elves stole my luggage at the airport.

Editor: Heh heh. Nice to meet you. Your book--

You: Ah, you're wondering how I know so much about leprechauns and fairies. I grew up in a giant toadstool in Candyland.

Editor: Cute. Now about your contract, I'll need you to sign--

You: Wait, let me get out my lucky pen. It writes with magic potion instead of ink.

Editor: Get out. Get out or I'll have you thrown out.]

The Leprechaun Connection is a 120,000-word fantasy adventure. My protagonist Puck has been compared to a mixture of Evanovich’s Stephanie Plum and hard-boiled noir detectives of the 1940’s. [Sort of a klutzy Sam Spade.] [Was this comparison made by Janet Evanovich and James Ellroy? Or by a friend of yours?] I’ve included a few sample pages for your perusal. The full manuscript is available upon request, though it might be somewhat delayed due to the fairies claiming union rules, For some reason they are insisting upon a break every three hours to toke some pixie dust and clean the ink off their feet.

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,


Notes

Those last two paragraphs pretty much guarantee that your manuscript will end up in . . .

The
Black
Hole
of
Noth-
ing-
ness.

You have a protagonist for adults, but I'm not sure how many adults will want to read about leprechauns, gnomes, fairies, etc. The title and setting sound more like they'll appeal to kids. Maybe you should make up the Shadowrealm characters, or at least use fewer known fantastical creatures.

Is there a reason for naming the character Puck? No one has that name. And I believe it's been used in at least one work involving fairyland creatures already.