Why you don't get published.
Monday, August 28, 2006
New Beginning 92
He pushed the play button again. She appeared on the screen, smiling from her make believe kitchen, skillfully dicing leeks while explaining the intricacies of preparing vichyssoise. She held the classic 10-inch chef’s knife perfectly balanced in her hand, her stokes, smooth, rapid and precise.
Reclining in his chair, his hand dropped to grip and caress, while her voice flowed over him. He watched, captivated by her beauty and her ability to talk, smile and teach while wielding that amazing blade with such proficiently.
This time would be different. She would be the one to stay as long as he wanted, maybe forever. And if not forever, there was the blade, an equally tantalizing thought. Either way, soon, she’d be his.
The others . . . didn't understand, didn't have the passion, the technique, the nerve. This one, though . . . He watched her slender hands dart over the cutting board like small predators, her smile all for him. It was there in the way she chopped the leeks. He felt it. She was the one, the one who would do as he asked, and cut off his penis.
Opening: anonymous.....Continuation: Writtenwyrdd and Kathleen
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14 comments:
Watch the typos. Better proofreading helps; don't rely on spellcheck and autocorrect. stokes proficiently
By the end of the second paragraph, the lack of antecedents for him and her really began to annoy me. Can't we have one name? A first name for him perhaps? The story also develops a little too slowly, I think.
Other than that, I liked it. I think it sets up some character, history, creepiness, and tension right away.
It's probably just me...but is everyone stuck on freako serial killer scenarios these days?
Believe me -- this is a very hard thing to find in a woman.
I'm just bob, bob, bobbiting along.
Good story beginning! This was effectively creepy, and I'd read on.
And good work to the continuer as well - you really matched the original's style nicely. "(H)ands...like small predators" was inspired.
I agree with pjd, but I did like what I read and would continue on.
I think it is good. I is creepy. But, not what I usually read. -JTC
I thought this was a good opening. Not my type of book - I don't like creepy. But this is done well IMO. I wasn't bothered by the lack of names. It seems appropriate for the situation. We might be wondering for a long time who this stalker is as the writer builds up suspense.
Nicely creepy. Watch the spelling and punctuation errors. Love the "hands like small predators" in the continuation.
Oh, ick. Good thing I don't like vichyssoise, cause this would have put me off it for a while. That is to say, it accomplished its objective--it creeped me right out.
The only thing missing from the continuation IMO, is the identification of the cook as Rachael Ray. I tell ya, that woman's too perky to live.
Kudos to the author who wrote the continuation, caught the style just right.
"Kudos to the author who wrote the continuation, caught the style just right."
I agree. In fact, I’m a little concerned that one of those voices in my head may have escaped to take over my nonexistent writing career.
Ooops, I think Stephen King already wrote that book.
Author
Author
OMG, the continuation makes me flinch (and I'm female).
I liked this. Has a creepy, obsessive feel to it. For some reason (maybe because I was coming from hot sauce and ferrets), I had to read the first sentence twice.
I read over the typos, but they need to be cleaned up (where you have stokes instead of strokes, proficiently instead of proficiency). And it helps to use hyphens when called for (make-believe).
I didn't like "this time would be different." It has no prior reference. Does he have a relationship with her? Or does this simply refer to the fact that her show is just a 1/2 or something? I want just a tad more there.
But I'd keep reading --daytime only.
Obviously this one registered super high on the creepometer.
While it's not my usual reading; I avoid all serial killer stories, I'd give this one a few more pages.
The continuation was . . . creepy.
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