Why you don't get published.
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
New Beginning 34
The clang of the gate echoed through the silence of the dawn. The sound of freedom.
Hugo narrowed his eyes against the rising sun, and scanned the surroundings. Too early for anyone to pass.
Remembering the directions the guard gave him, he turned left and walked towards the nearest bus station, the small change they returned to him just enough to get out of this no-man's land. But where to?
His house was sold, his bank accounts, save a frozen one, confiscated and his possessions auctioned off. Well, apart for his computers; he was sure they had been stripped bare and demolished.
Computers. His fingers were itching; he couldn't wait to get his hands on one again, and for that he needed cash, fast. He had to be careful though, they would be watching him like a hawk now. He couldn't risk getting caught again.
Next to the bus station stood a 24-hour Internet café. Abandoning all thoughts of travel, Hugo staggered inside like a zombie on the trail of fresh blood.
“How much?” he asked, caressing a brand-new Dell XPS 700.
“Six bucks an hour.” Hugo fingered the two twenties and a ten that lined his pocket. Eight-point-three-three hours of bliss.
In seconds, he was connected. 1,948,873 emails waited in his gmail inbox. Not surprising after five years, three months, and twenty-four days in federal prison. Those emails would have to wait. Hugo had more important things to do.
His fingers flew over the keyboard. Hour after hour passed. As the clock ticked down, sweat appeared on Hugo’s brow. Finally, he slumped in his chair. “Damn!” he cried. "Five years, three months, and twenty-four days of waiting, and Evil Editor still hasn’t critiqued my query."
Opening: Anita Dapperens.....Continuation: Nancy Conner
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
18 comments:
LOL!!!!!!!! EE, you are absolutely amazing.
Is the continuation... autobiography?
Dear Author: I enjoyed the nice crispy appetizer of a beginning here, this story could (and I'm sure does) develop interestingly!
Dear Continuiter: Nice next-of! Wry and entertaining with just one wee troublesomely jarring bit to me, if you are going to name his email program, pick one that was actually around 5 years ago, hehe. Nicely done overall!
(wd Verf: vpeeq. (the teensy noise I made when I got jarred from the tale, hehe)
I probably wouldn't read this, because I've yet to find a mystery centered around computers that held my interest.(Even Jeffrey Deaver couldn't pull it off with his novel The Blue Nowhere.) It's just not all that interesting to watch people frantically type at their keyboards and spout technical jargon. If you can avoid that trap, then go for it. But I'd probably close the book when I hit the word "computers." Just my personal taste.
magz: Yeah, you got me on that one. I was trying to think of an email account that would hold a bazillion messages. Just goes to show specific isn't always better!
P.S. Do you moonlight as a fact-checker?
Wasn't that a comma splice in the first sentence, second paragraph?
And "watching him like a hawk"? Author, author, empty out your cliche bag.
Add a big me-too about the computer thing. Not for me.
PicAxe
I should be asking myself why this guy was in prison, was it for some fraud committed on a PC? Is he a pedophile? But I'm not asking myself any of those questions. I think the beginning needs to be richer. I neither root for this guy or despise this guy. I should be feeling something.
The follow-up is funny.
I also noticed the cliche -so it must be something that needs to go.
Hi there Anon E! LOL, Sure I moonlight! And moonshine, and often wander around moonstruck...
Will trade faxchex for spellchex, any day! I'm a very sloppy speller and havent had much luck with official spellcheckers as I'm also prone to either making up words, or joining two or more in odd ways, just a fault I suffer myownself hehe.
Drop by my farmblog anytime, I'd enjoy swapping offbeat humor withcha! Maggie aka Magz
Bravo, Yves.
Is it actually helpful to post that you wouldn't read a mystery with computers? How is this useful to the author?
This intro raised three questions for me: 1) why in prison?; 2) will he get caught obtaining another computer?; 3) what will he do with the computer?
I think the author has managed to set up these questions well but I don't care enough about the character to want the answers - therein lies your problem.
Anon, I agree with you. It's getting so most of the comments posted are subjective, obvious and useless. It isn't worth a comment when an author chooses topic B, or a word not liked by a particular minion, etc.
Everybody is a critic! Now we're criticizing the comments.
Comments are just one person's opinion, usually based on his or her experience. They can and do vary widely.
And one commenter's opinion about what is a helpful comment can also be different than another's opinion about what is useful. So, imho, offer your comment. Let the author decide if it's helpful or not.
And since I submitted one of these openings, (but not this one) I can say that I want ALL comments. fwiw.
AUTHOR--
For me, I was with this all the way to the computers. Freedom is a pull for me. Even the worst felon can relish freedom. So I had enough to root for the POV character in the first few paragraphs.
Prison is a dehumanizing event. Having all of his possessions taken or "frozen" made me want to know how how he would cope.
But the computers just didn't seem like the first thing a newly released prisoner would want. Or need. Certainly not what I'd want. So I lost interest. And I no longer care about the POV character. Or his motivations.
If there was something noble about his need to get to the computer, then I need to know that to keep caring-even before I need to know that it's computers he wants. If it's for a nefarious purpose, I'd probably tune out again.
The writing is clear. There's a little sensory detail (but I'd want more). The cliche needs to go, as others commented.
There's also a hint of the antagonist (The people watching him, trying to catch him.) Nice (if I still cared).
jmho.
Fwiw, author, I wanted to know what he wanted the computer for. I was intrigued, rather than put off by the fact that was the thing uppermost in his mind. Presumably he has unfinished biz to be finishing and I did want to know what.
The only thing that bothered me a bit was why he needed cash to get his hands on one. If he is engaging in cyber crime or the like, could he not use an anonymous internet cafe or the like? Would it not be better? If the question of why he needs to buy a computer urgently is answered fairly quickly, I think this opening is fine.
Also, if he is out after only 5 years, he can't have done anything too desperate - why has he lost everything?
Again, a question that is presumably answered as the story unfolds.
I did like the add-on though - very funny!
Yeah, does he need a computer so he can check on his Swiss bank accounts or something? Or google if the bastard who sold him up the river, hung him out to dry, left him twisting in the wind, etc, is still living in Bangor? Although if he just wants to play Quest or something, then forget it.
I think your story starts here:
"A computer. His fingers were itching. He couldn't wait to get his hands on one again ..."
We can wonder why he needs the money, why they'll be watching him and what he's going to do with the computer, but you can tell us later that he's just getting out of prison. Just my thought.
If you stick with it as it reads now, I have just one minor thought: you don't need "he turned left" since real estate is so valuable in the opening page and that tells us nothing noteworthy.
Good crisp writing though, I was drawn in by that and would definitely keep reading to learn more of what's going on.
John
and a small type--"apart for his computers" should be "apart from..." I think
I'm the author of this beginning. I apologise for reacting so late, but I was on vacation the past week (bad timing, both with posting, and the rain filled week)
the complete scene is my prologue. The only reason it's a prologue is because it doesn't fit into the way I timelined my chapters (which is one day - one chapter), and this scene happens approx. 2 weeks before chapter one.
I liked the continuation a lot, even though Hugo isn't much of a writer :)
It touched a subject I hadn't even thought of, internet cafés. *headdesk* Imelda also asked about that.
He still needs to get his own computer, for what he is planning, but the internet café might solve some more urgent problems.
The cliche: It will die soon, I promise.
Computer as 'stop reading' sign: Not reading past 'computers' makes you miss out on the toy-stealing, kidnapping and prophetic dreams. I can't promise that people won't be typing away on their keyboards, but it's not all they do.
Magz: Thank you for the compliment.
PicAxe: I don't know the term, but I know what you mean, and I think I need to take the comma out of there, ASAP.
thank you for noticing it.
Anonymous 2+4: I get what you're saying. I could say that I don't necessarily want you to root or despise Hugo, yet, but it's not really true. This scene is supposed to be of the 'something wicked this way comes' variety. According to you, something is lacking, so I'll need to look into that. Though I've been hesitant about revealing what he went to prison for in this opening scene, I think I might need to, because it won't be mentioned for a long time.
He's not a peadophile, though I found it a strange coincidence that you asked that, since some characters in my book have wondered about that as well.
Xigay: Thank you for the compliment.
I already answered the part about not caring for the POV character above. As for noble or nefarious, that's a matter of opinion ... does it help if I say he's NOT the protagonist? (the people watching him are not antagonists either ... sorry)
He has just spent 18 months in jail (not five years, three months, and twenty-four days) planning revenge. Being a hacker, computers are his means to gain income, so a computer is very important to him.
Imelda: You're very right about the unfinished business. It was what I was trying to hint at, but since most didn't get it, I guess I failed. It needs to be clearer.
As I mention above, it was 'only' 18 months. He lost (almost) everything because what he had was paid for with stolen money. It was never really his to begin with.
Kis: I doubt he'll be playing Quest. The jury is still out on the googling. It could be usefull. But he mostly needs a computer to hack. And though some of his hacking can be done in an internetcafe, the object he wants to gain access to would be too large a clue if he kept dragging hit with him.
Frainstorm: To me, the getting out of prison is the most important part, because everything that follows is a result of that. If he'd still be in prison, it wouldn't have happened.
I don't get your 'real estate is so valuable' comment, but I'll think about leaving out the 'he turned lef'.
Thank you for the compliment.
Anonymous the last: 'apart from his computers'. I think I typed that originally, but changed it to 'for' because it didn't feel right to me. I'll need to look into that.
From all the comments I gather I have not completely failed, but not really succeeded either. I will work on it a bit more.
Thank you for your input :)
Post a Comment