Face-Lift 1411

Guess the Plot

Byzantine Purple

1. Turkish bare knuckle boxer Muhmat “The Byzantine” Balkan is easy on the eyes, but his new uppercut is not.

2. Competitive ballroom dancer Viorel is entranced by the moves of a street woman in a purple dress. He’s desperate to make her his partner, but first he’ll need to convince his club to accept her. And before that . . . he’ll need to find her again.

3. When strange corpses appear with purple goo in their veins, Leudora realizes that the prophesies of her family's enemy, the notorious Dalmatian Serpent, are coming true, and if she doesn't act fast, all Byzantines will be exterminated. 

4. When fashion student Cassi Folter is transported back to ancient times she's more horrified by the clothes than the sanitation. Can she revolutionize the textile industry or will wearing the wrong color land her in prison? (And can she convince the jailers that style is always possible?)

5. The Byzantine Empire was once the Roman Empire just as Istanbul was once Constantinople. So Byzantine Purple must be about the dye from snails, right? Wait, what? The modern color? Robin's history report is about to get a creative spin when her time traveling adventure was about the wrong thing.

6. Fortune hunters from all over the world have long sought "Byzantine Purple," a fabled gemstone believed to have been owned by Constantine the Great. John Niedenaker is the latest. Intrigue ensues when his team crosses paths with seekers of the Maltese Falcon and the Ark of the Covenant and they all have to sort out their quirky native interpreters, intrepid girl-reporters, arch-villains, and other stock characters. As for John, he swaps away his brunette femme fatale for a ginger and goes off to find the Treasure of the Sierra Madre.

7. Kelly Mercado, chemist for struggling paint company Adore, is sent to Istanbul by new corporate consultant Leo Ione to join an archaeological dig to find inspiration for a color that can beat rival Heritage’s “Lost Atlantis”. Corporate espionage, a game of cat and mouse in the Grand Bazaar, romance, a prince and more!

Original Version 

Dear Evil Editor, 

The blood on her hands no longer troubles Leudora. What keeps her awake at night is the chilling suspicion that her crimes might have been in vain. 

The massacre she committed a decade ago was necessary. The death of her brilliant enemy, the Dalmatian Serpent, was unfortunate but inevitable. [I know nothing about the Dalmatian Serpent, but I feel confident there was nothing unfortunate about his death. Did he die in the massacre? Because when you stage a massacre, you have no right to complain that the death of your victims was unfortunate.] [I would call the Dalmatian Serpent's death necessary, rather than inevitable. Pretty much everyone's death is inevitable. Of course you've already called the massacre necessary, but I'm not convinced that it was. For instance, if she massacred everyone in some village because she knew the Dalmatian Serpent was there, she could have avoided the massacre by asking the villagers which house the Dalmatian Serpent was holed up in. I think you'll find that history books rarely (if ever) refer to massacres as necessary.] Only through violence could Leudora save the Veil. She will live with her guilty conscience for as long as the invisible barrier that shields civilization from madness remains intact. [Shouldn't that sentence be "She lived with her guilty conscience for as long as the invisible barrier that shields civilization from madness remained intact."? She "will live" implies that she currently lives with her guilty conscience, but you said the blood on her hands no longer troubles her.] Only it is no longer so. [Aha! Reinforcing my argument.]

Whenever parts of the Veil fade, strange corpses appear with purple goo in their veins. ["Goo" sounds somewhat childish. More mature synonyms include guck, goop, and gunk.] [Also, if the Veil is an invisible barrier, how can you tell if parts of it have faded? In other words, how do you know whether the fading caused the goo or the goo caused the fading? It's like a chicken/egg thing, except it's a Veil/goo thing.] Determined to stop the Veil’s decay and justify her past actions, [You mean justify massacring that entire village? Unjustifiable.] Leudora follows the bloody trail. [Is it a bloody trail or a gooey trail?] All the evidence that she uncovers confirms her worst fears: The Serpent was right in his theories. It is Leudora’s Byzantine kin that stands [who are] behind the Veil’s degradation. [That was his theory? That his enemy was to blame? You don't have to be brilliant to blame your enemy for everything that goes wrong. ] But Leudora knows one more truth. It will not take long for her family’s political opponents to connect the same dots. When they do, they will have a perfect excuse to exterminate not only her, but all Byzantines. [Do you really need an excuse to exterminate Byzantines?] Before that happens, Leudora will [must] find a way to restore the Veil, eliminate the murderers [That one's easy: massacre them.] and bury the Serpent’s research. [You keep calling him the Serpent. It's the Dalmatian Serpent.]

A disgraced scholar with an unsavory reputation, Leudora  [Whew, for a second I thought the plot summary was done and you were starting your bio.] seeks allies and knowledge. Potential allies want her to bring them to power and overthrow the unstable government. And knowledge remains hidden in the works of her defeated enemy. The deeper she delves into the Serpent’s secrets, the more Leudora finds herself drawn to his fascinating mind and dark science. If Leudora follows in his footsteps, her own people will turn against her. If she does not, the Veil will not endure, and her own demise will become the least of her problems. [I'm more interested in what will be the worst of her problems.]

Byzantine Purple is an adult fantasy set in an alternative version of Eastern Europe, told in multiple POVs, complete at 103,000 words. The novel stands alone but is envisioned as the first book in a trilogy. It combines the conflicted protagonist of The Masquerade Series and the political intrigue of A Memory called Empire. 

Thank you for your time and consideration, 

[ The title alludes to the purple mantle traditionally worn by the Byzantine Emperors. ] [And here I thought it was the purple goo.] 

Notes

The plot summary is too long. And I find it difficult to follow, especially with all those blue words interrupting it. The connections between sentences don't seem obvious enough. I have to work to come up with guesses at how they're connected.

What are Leudora's kin doing that's causing the Veil to decay? Why don't they quit doing it? Is the solution to this threat somewhere in the Dalmatian Serpent's notes?

If I'm looking for someone to help bring me to power and overthrow the government, a disgraced scholar with an unsavory reputation won't be my first choice. I assumed Leudora was a political or military or rebel leader. Who is she?

Try the often-effective three-paragraph plot summary:

P1. Who's the main character, what's her goal, and what's her plan to achieve it.?

P2. What obstacles might prevent her from doing so, and what decision must she make to hopefully overcome the obstacles?

P3. What's at stake? What happens if she fails? What happens if she succeeds?

Limit the plot summary to ten sentences. We'll let you know if that improves it or not.

Q & A 196

What are your thoughts on writer’s retreats, workshops, and bootcamps? Commercial gimmick preying on the hopeful? Or legitimate programs?

The language on some of the websites sound like these workshops are on par with ivy league schools.  You have to pay just for the privilege of applying and then the programs run approx $4000-$5000 for 6 weeks.

Would an editor / agent be impressed that a writer was “accepted” to such a program? In your experience, do you see an elevation in quality from those who’ve attended? For example, can you always spot a ‘Clarion man’?

Do some programs carry more legitimacy than others? 

Also, can I get Evil Editor’s (and minions) thoughts on the highlighted portion below, taken from one workshop’s website?

Commercial gimmick preying on the hopeful? Or legitimate programs? As with everything from book publishers to snake oil salesmen to literary agencies to politicians, there are some of each.

$4000 a week for 6 weeks? Including room and board? I'd pay that much, skip all the classwork, and enjoy a 6-week vacation at about $100 a day. Beats staying at a luxury resort at $500 a night including only one meal, a breakfast bar with eggs that have been sitting there three hours.

Would an editor / agent be impressed that a writer was “accepted” to such a program? Only if it's an editor / agent who taught at the retreat you attended and was paid well. In your experience, do you see an elevation in quality from those who’ve attended? For example, can you always spot a ‘Clarion man’? If we're talking specifically about Clarion, that is not a commercial gimmick. It's intense and useful; I have that first-hand from a few people who attended, and the names of authors who've been on the faculty is impressive: http://clarion.ucsd.edu/clarions-distinguished-alumni-faculty/ Also, while I can't always spot a Clarion man, I can always spot a Clarion woman.

Yes some are better than others, and it makes sense to do some research.

As for what an adverb is and why you shouldn't use one, I know you've read Evil Editor's Why You Don't Get Published, vol. 2, article #4, but for those who haven't, here's a link to the original article on the EE blog: https://www.blogger.com/blog/post/edit/26791026/3559145757560460699

New Beginning 1091

Warm sunbeams touched open fields and wood fences in the village of Lambahvras. The river Pehm, sleepy in this stretch of its journey, flowed west along the southern edge of the village, sparkling in the morning rays. Spring ice; thin, clear, and delicate hugged the edges of the riverbank. In a rapid sequence of cracks, one piece broke free from the mainland and floated with the current for a few yards before becoming one with the river again. 

Up the northern slope of the riverbank, at the highest point, sat a weathered stone cottage, its windows set alight by the sun’s glow. Every sunrise, no matter the time, no matter the weather, no matter her health, Maska Rue Knottswood stepped outside her cottage’s red front door as she had done for the past seventy three years to take note of who failed to appear for Sungreet. 

 Sunlight may have brightened the scenery, but Rue still felt the spring chill in her thin-skinned hands and in the stone beneath her thin soled slippers. Her shrewd eyes noted with glee that Meadow struggled to coax her young son Thaw through the door of their house. 

It was a different story with Sky and her four boys. The oldest, Volcano, erupted from the house on a dead run, trampling the brittle grasses that had struggled to survive in the frozen yard. Thunderhead moved more slowly, brooding with his dark eyes downcast and his hands in the pockets of his worn trousers. The youngest, Whirlwind, zoomed in random circles while making odd humming noises that unsettled their two skinny goats. There was something wrong with that boy, thought Rue, although for all his oddness he seemed happy enough. But where was Downpour? It wasn't like him to be late for Sungreet. Oh, wait, there he was, stepping out from behind a newly dampened tree, hitching up his britches.

Opening: Amanda Barrett.....Continuation: JRMosher

Feedback Request

Guess the Plot 

 Domino 

1. Domino!—Is it a pizza? A board game? A bag of sugar? Super-sleuth Van Morrison claims he's solved the mystery. But will anyone listen? 

2. During a worldwide pandemic, aging superhero Carnival Cavalry tries to popularize stylish two-piece masks. 

3. Five year old Timmy Topple receives a hand-carved ebony domino for his birthday. He loves to stand it up, tip it slightly, and hear the solitary satisfying click when it falls. Next year and every year, his father promises, he will get another. So begins his quest for immortality in a story spanning centuries of (set them) ups and (knock them) downs. 

4. The fields, homes, and shops of Omendios are being destroyed by monolithic obelisks guarded by screaming apes with clubs! The people fear there are more obelisks than they can hope to defeat, but pizza deliveryman Dom Donovan knows if he can topple just one of them, the rest will follow. 

5. When a set of diamond encrusted ivory dominoes goes missing, Detective Zack Martinez knows two things. He needs to solve the case in time to get to his anniversary dinner; and if he doesn't, his marriage will collapse like a . . .  house of cards. 

 6. At the pizza chain’s masquerade ball, Alex's flirtations with Jael blossom into an office romance. She dismisses his enthusiasm for the new organic red sauce as career ambition. At their wedding, when Jael hisses and burns beneath the priest’s blessings, Alex questions how well she really knows him.

7. Sent to a military boarding school by a mother who thinks he's too fickle, Bali experiences one unfortunate event after another, leading to another, until he decides he must run away. Or maybe he should stay. If only he could make up his mind.

 

[The following is a revision of the query that appeared in Face-Lift 1381. As the book now has a different title, I figured a new Guess the Plot was in order.]

Original Version

Dear Evil Editor, 

At the military boarding school in Haldwani, India, clandestine corporal punishments from the Senior Cadets is accepted as a rite of passage by the juniors. The tall ideals of the old boys have fallen. The seniors rule with an iron-fist with strange codes that either broken or followed, [, enforcing barbaric rules designed to] destroy the juniors. ["Destroy" seems like too strong a word, considering that the seniors were presumably juniors last year, and survived to become seniors. Perhaps "break" or "humiliate"?] while the juniors have no free will. 

When fractious thirteen-year-old Bali Zutshi arrives with the new batch, no one thinks he will survive his first term. Not his House Captain, who makes him endure rigorous training for the coveted Boxing Cup he wants no part of. Not his belligerent cadet guardian, who makes him his errand mule and keeps him on a leash. Not his House Master, who passively watches him suffer from a distance. Maybe not even his single mother, who sent him here to make him a man. [She sent him here thinking he might not survive?] 

Then one day an anonymous letter blows the lid on [off] the culture of corporal punishments handed down from senior to junior under the garb [guise] of tradition. As the administration leads the investigation - [,] the Senior Cadets begin their search for the whistle-blower. Their suspicion? Bali Zutshi. Unsettled, erratic, and homesick. 

Bali has two choices. Run away from school but confirm her [his] mother’s deepest fears about his fickle nature. [Did she send him here to make him a man, or because he was too fickle? I suppose she could believe no fickle child could ever become a real man unless he spent years at a military boarding school.] Or stand up for himself, clear his name and prove that he belongs. [Belongs to what? The seniors? If he clears his name, he's still a junior and subject to being "punished."]  [If seniors doling out corporal punishment to juniors is a bad thing, then the whistleblower is on the right side of this issue. If Bali wants to prove he belongs with those who want the tradition to continue, I'd rather read your book about the whistleblower.] 

When he finds support from unexpected quarters, he begins to see the unraveling of the lost virtues of the culture that once made the school great. Greater forces are at play and Bali must connect the dots to survive the churn. Justice awaits, but the price is heavy. [This whole paragraph is vague. With a lot more specificity it might suggest Bali is finally coming around.] 

DOMINO (~89,000 words) is a coming-of-age story grounded in the harsh realities of a military boarding school in India. I survived five years in one to write this story. 

I am a Marketing Professional. This is my debut novel. I took a sabbatical to complete it. I also have a popular Instagram Page with more than 10,000 followers and growing where I post my own original short stories once a month. 

Would you like to see more of the book? 

Thank you for your time and consideration. 

Sincerely, 

[Regarding the Title: The title derives its name from how a trifling catalytic incident snowballs into a series of unfortunate events in the story.] [It snowballs like a line of dominoes.]  [The incident and it's aftermath might make for a more interesting plot summary, replacing the list of people who don't think Bali will make it.]

Notes

I don't see how this tradition could have lasted so long without the administration knowing about it, if only because some members of the administration probably attended the school.

Making the juniors train for a boxing match and run errands for you don't strike me as the extreme hazing described as "corporal punishment." It's more like the rookies on a football team being made to carry the veterans' equipment bags. Are the juniors being brutalized?

Bali is a junior at the age of 13? Does that mean they graduate at age 14? Or are there levels higher than senior? You said you went to one for five years. Was that ages 10 - 14? If Bali isn't a junior, why are the seniors bullying him? 

There are some improvements over the first version (That Bali was suspected of being the whistleblower seems important, though there was no mention of a whistleblower in Face-Lift 1381), but overall, I don't think it's better. Perhaps third time will be the charm.

Q & A 195

Are comparison titles really necessary? I understand the point of listing comparison titles in a query, but not how to identify a good one correctly. If I list a title that anyone's ever heard of the agent/ editor will roll their eyes at the audacity of comparing my work to something successful. Or they'll roll their eyes because the titles don't qualify as true comparisons -- out of date, different genre, wrong medium etc. Or their eyes will roll because the comparison title is so obscure as to be meaningless. 

And I know you're going to tell me to toddle off to a bookstore and see what all the other new, exciting, published authors in my genre are doing. 

But if I have to pull books off of the shelf and look at all the smiling faces of new authors who got published (and probably at a younger age than me), my rampant insecurity will flare up. I'll seethe with jealousy and become so discouraged that I'll scrap the project for another ten years. I'll never get a query letter sent in at this rate. 

Do I really have to include comps? And if so, how do I identify the right ones?

You've caught on admirably to the beauty of the literary agent's game plan. Asking for comps is nothing more than creating another reason to reject you. For example:

You: My book will remind you of The da Vinci Code.

Agent: I hated The da Vinci Code.

There's no need to include comps if an agent hasn't requested them. But let's assume you've decided the perfect agent for you is one who has requested comps. (This is probably an agent who demands you query using Query Manager, because they know if they send you to Query Manager you'll start filling out the form and give up halfway through and they won't have to deal with you. An agent who uses Query Manager has lots of free time for long lunches. I would use Query Manager if I were an agent.)

I don't recommend toddling to the bookstore if your purpose is to find, as comps, titles of books you haven't read. It would be embarrassing to meet your prospective agent for lunch and she says, "How did you feel when the train crashed in The Girl on the Train?" and:

You: It was so unexpected. And sad. I almost cried. 

Agent: Aha! There was no train crash in The Girl on the Train. My offer to represent you is rescinded.

When an agent asks you what titles compare with your book, they're really saying that if you've written something so original and groundbreaking that nothing like it has ever been seen before, they want nothing to do with it. 

Feedback Request

The author of the book whose query appeared in Face-Lift 1410 would like feedback on the following version of the query.

Dear Evil Editor, 

When the villagers of Lambahvras are forced to evacuate their homeland by an invasive toxic weed, they decide to take up residence in an abandoned island fortress, Carraig Runda [anagram: agrarian crud]. The villagers choose it as a place to escape the poison plants [agrarian crud] and maintain their independence from the rest of the world.  

Upon reaching it after a difficult journey, they must establish a steady food and heat source before winter freezes the lake. As they explore, they find evidence of the previous inhabitants: furnished rooms, garden ruins, glyphs. They also discover remnants of advanced technology that would make habitation here self-sustainable. [How'd that work out for the previous inhabitants?] But how to activate the mechanisms eludes them. 

Rue, the priestess of Lambahvras, believes the structure is a temple. And that a human sacrifice would awaken the gods and allow access to the power here. Her target is Petal Longseed, [sister of Pippi Longstocking and] an orphan village girl. 

Mathieu Westerhall is not one of the Lambahvras. He’s a scientist who journeyed with them from the village to the fortress. He volunteered to care for Petal when her mother was killed and superstitions ostracized her Petal. He’s come to love the gentle, studious girl like a daughter. To protect her from Rue’s religious faction, he’ll need to convince everyone that blood won’t unlock the secrets of Carraig Runda. But if not blood, then what? 

SEEDS IN SHALLOW SOIL is a 108,000 word fantasy novel. It is a standalone book with the potential to become a series. Comparison titles for this work would be Joe Hill’s The Fireman, [and] The Wicker Man (1973), Fiddler on the Roof (1971), and The Oregon Trail computer game. [Including those last two will make the reader wonder if this is a hoax query.]

Notes

Way better than the original. Now we have a story with some conflict.

Q & A 194

As word count expectations vary across genres. Do these expectations apply to the query letter? Is it somewhat expected that a query letter in fantasy, science fiction, or historical fiction will run longer than one where the setting/time is more familiar?

I certainly hope not, or books like War and Peace and the Bible would have query letters ten pages long. Devta, by Muhiyyu-d-Deen Nawaab, would have a 50-page query, which would be bad enough, but it would also be written in Urdu. 

The reason queries are supposed to be about a page has nothing to do with the length or genre; it's because that's as much as an agent or editor can bear to read. Chalk it up to short attention spans.

Q & A 193

 I have signed up for a 7 week writer’s group hosted by a published author that I am a fan of. 

There are five other students in the class and we will be critiquing each other’s work. Would EE care to offer any pearls of wisdom on how to provide feedback to writers? Of course I’ll be modeling my behavior on your examples from the blog but is there any advice you could provide explicitly?

Also, any advice on ingratiating myself to the author? I’m going for an easy A and access to her network of contacts in the publishing industry. 

The 1st thing you need to do is figure out how many of the other students think they're the smartest person in the class. Those people won't listen to your comments, except for the ones in which you praise them effusively, so start by praising them effusively, but then tell them they'll never make it as a writer because no agent will want to work with a narcissistic ass. 

The other writers will probably only respect the opinion of the published author, so agree with whatever the author says, especially if they're arguing with one of the writers. This may ingratiate you. A better way to ingratiate yourself (and get that "A") is to sign up for the author's follow-up course. 

The only way the author will give you access to their network of contacts is if you produce stellar writing. But not so stellar that the author fears you'll become more famous than they are.

Face-Lift 1410

Guess the Plot 

Seeds in Shallow Soil

1. Sacked from selling seashells at the seashore, Sue seeks to sow seeds in shallow soil. 

2. When magic and science both fail to kill the toxic weeds destroying their crops, farmers, led by a stranger in patent leather shoes,  set out on a brutal journey in search of a new home, one surrounded by a fortress that weeds can't penetrate.

3. Rose was always down on her luck. Now that she's grown, she wants to help her old friends, Iris, Holly, and Violet. But can this trio of miscreants rise above their meager surroundings? Or will they always live in the shallow end? 

4. Conman Jonas accidentally discovers he's good enough at the self-help guru shtik to thumb his nose at the feds who're giving him the eye. Unfortunately, he's good enough at it to become internationally recognized, and his long, long trail of unhappy marks want back what he bilked them out of. Plus interest.

5. Don't worry, this isn't yet another preachy allegory. It's your complete guide to the exciting world of tillandsia--plants that grow anywhere, need minimal care, and die after they flower. Which, come to think of it, pretty much makes it yet another preachy allegory.

6. Farmer Hiram sows his corn on barren, rocky soil. After years of failure, he sells his tractor, moves to Washington, and makes a seven-figure income lobbying for farm support. 

Original Version 

Dear Evil Editor, 

Nobleman Mathieu Westerhall is nobody’s idea of a hero. He’s privileged and aloof. He doesn’t venture outside of his upper crust neighborhood in the capitol [capital] if he can help it. 

Which is why he’s dismayed to be squatting in a field in the remote hamlet of Lambahvras; [Wasn't lamb bah vras the sheeps' password in Babe?] a place so small the name on the map far outsizes it’s [its] geographical area. [I assume you mean its geographical area on the map, and not its actual geographical area, because otherwise Lambahvras would have to be about two inches wide. Or the map would have to be about a mile wide, in which case it wouldn't fit in the glove compartment, even when folded up. Not that they have glove compartments in Lambahvras, I assume.] [When you think about it, every country's name would outsize it's geographical size on the map if you use a big enough font size.] [I wonder if stage coaches and hansom cabs had glove compartments. Never mind me, I'm babbling.] He’s attempting to scoop up dirt samples with one hand and keep his handkerchief pressed to his nose with the other. [If only he had a coronavirus mask.] All while avoiding scratches from a thorny, foul-smelling weed that the village innkeeper assures him is toxic.

No one mentioned this agricultural problem when the Queen assigned him the dreaded task of land survey. He was expecting quaint hospitality and platters of fresh food. [If that's what he expected, why is the task "dreaded"?] It wasn’t until the carriage driver had gone that he learned there was no food to be spared. That the town had been overrun by this stubborn weed that chokes crops and cattle alike. 

He ought to have returned at once to report this to the Royal Botanists Society. He could have returned home, filed a report, and resumed his wedding plans. But by the time his reports are [got] reviewed, the homesteads could be destroyed. 

The Lambahvrans are desperate. Desperate enough to allow a city man like him to use his fancy science equipment and interfere with their hexes. These are their homes. Their farmland. And their reservation. [Can you be more specific about the fancy scientific equipment? That Matt arrived by carriage and not car, and that he's wearing patent leather shoes, would indicate it's betweem 1820 and 1910. If we're on Earth. So I assume we're not talking about crop dusting airplanes.] 

What Mathieu doesn’t know yet is that his fancy science is going to fail. [Thus portending the rise of the first Trumpians.] And the Lambahvrans are going to leave. It’s going to be Mathieu of all people who suggests hiding out in an ancient island fortress. [Wait, what are they hiding from? The weed? That's the only threat that's been mentioned.] 

Perhaps most absurd of all, he’s going to go with them. On a hard march through the wilderness. In patent leather shoes. And that reaching this fortress -- if they can -- will only prove the first challenge. [The second will be convincing his privileged fiancée to move into an ancient island fortress with a bunch of impoverished strangers.]

SEEDS IN SHALLOW SOIL is a 108,000 word fantasy novel. It is intended to be the first novel in a series, although I designed the structure to work as a standalone book [with the potential to become a series.] 

 Thank you for your time and consideration.

Notes

I think you left something out. If they can't beat the weeds, why don't they just march to somewhere with good soil and no weeds? What does this island fortress offer them? Your entire plot seems to be farmers facing ruin because of weeds take up residence in an old fortress.

If most of the story takes place after they get to the fortress, you could just start with:

When the hamlet Lambahvras is overrun by toxic weeds that choke their crops and their cattle, the people embark on a long and brutal journey to an ancient island fortress. 

Then you have plenty of room to tell us what happens in your story.  

If most of the book is the journey to the fortress, tell us about the obstacles they must overcome along the way, and how they plan to overcome them. I'm assuming these obstacles are more interesting than weeds.

Either way, we need to know why they're going where they're going.

Six Books for Ten Bucks!

It's been years since anyone bought these books, so it's time to get them off my bookshelves. All six for $10 plus another $5 for shipping and packaging. While supplies last. But wait, that's not all! You also get the PDF version of Evil Editor's History of the World in Tweets, which you can read on your computer or tablet while you wait for your books to show up. 

Why You Don't Get Published, vols. 1 & 2, the funniest books about writing, and the only ones anyone has ever finished.

Novel Deviations, volumes 1, 2, and 3. 

Openings to actual books, continued

by EE and his minions.

Evil Editor Teaches School

101 hilarious writing exercises by Evil Editor

and his minions (mostly Evil Editor)

Watch the book trailers here.

To order, go to Evil Editor's Bookstore, click the box with EE's picture and "6-book special." 

Face-Lift 1409

Guess the Plot

Dreams of Ethereal Ash

1. Chimney sweep Bucky LaRue keeps dozing off on the job. Hilarity ensues. Also, a disreputable roofing contractor.

2. Ist, son of Ars, dreams of the lost third heaven where mountains of fire consumed the land and sea and sky. He finds the place and bottles some of the sparkly ash to sell to the gullible. Unfortunately, a group of rather determined men and women tell him his dreams are the key to stopping the destruction of all worlds, heavens, and hells. Is it too late to pretend he made it all up?

3. Returning to her home kingdom after a journey to the eastern islands, Eleanor finds the land covered in ash. The long-dormant volcano, Mount Hephaestus, obviously erupted in her absence. Equally obviously, Eleanor's prayers to the god Vulcan have finally been answered, and she won't have to go back to her high school ever again.

4. When TV Skincare guru Dr Ashley Seborrea wakes to find her material form stolen by demons, she longs for her regular life. How to advise the nation on the perfect popping of their pustules when she's invisible, intangible — and emitting random wails for comedic effect? A chance meeting with Butch the Insubstantial Beagle on the outer rim of the Astral Plane solidifies Ash's emerging master plan. The pair rematerialise into one another's lives, drawing the demons out of hiding. But when the great cosmic battle is over, will Butch give up his new-found passion for treating underarm acne — or will he cast Ash into the nightmare world of superstore dog feed and knobbly rubber bones till the end of time?

5. Sixteen-year-old Bennett longs to become an Imperial Knight, so he can hunt the degenerate pirates bringing terror and death upon the enemies of the empire. But first he has to summon his animal familiar, aka his ethereal, which will be difficult because he's the only person who doesn't have one (well, dead people don't have one because when you die your ethereal crumbles to ash, but that's another story), and he can't get an ethereal because he would need magic to get one and he's also the only person who doesn't have magic. If he had an ethereal it could help him get magic, but . . .  In the end, Bennett abandons his childhood dream and becomes a pirate himself and screw the empire.

6. Big trees, little tree, red trees, blue trees. Samson has been dreaming of trees for as long as he can remember. Does the new ash tree in his dreams have anything to do with the murder spree happening in his hometown? 

7. In this collection of post-apocalyptic, Mad-Max-style fairy tale mashups, Cinderella joins Hell's Angels to overthrow the monarchy, Sleeping Beauty and Snow White battle it out in a top secret cryo-lab, and the Pied Piper meets his match in Hansel and Gretel. With cameo appearances by other favorites.

Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

To hunt degenerate pirates afflicting [raiding? plundering?] the islands under imperial protection and to bring death upon the enemies of the empire. [Not clear so far whether it's the islands, or the pirates afflicting the islands, that are under imperial protection. Perhaps "To hunt pirates raiding the empire's islands . . . " would address this minor point. Also, as the enemies of an empire are more likely to be countries with armies than individuals, you could go with destroy or repel rather than bring death upon. A colon after the first sentence might be better than a period.] These are the responsibilities of Imperial Knights. For sixteen-year-old Bennett, becoming a knight would fulfill his dream. 

In a society where magic is as unique as one’s own fingerprint and animal familiars called Ethereals are a part of daily life, standing out can be difficult, becoming a knight, near impossible. Especially for Bennett. Unlike everyone else, whose lives revolve around magic and their Ethereal, Bennett has neither. [A person who's unlike everyone else would "stand out."] To obtain magic, he needs to first summon his Ethereal. He can’t. What he can do is fight anyone who ridicules his malady.

On his fourth and final chance [attempt?] to summon, an attack on his home island of Sutton shatters his world. Were it an ordinary pirate raid, life would go on, but Sutton’s protectors were never prepared for a rebel invasion. The empire fails to protect its citizens, and Bennett loses everything. His misguided faith in the knights leads to his sister’s abduction, and for the first time he sees the empire as an uncaring, self-fulfilling [Self-indulgent? Self-serving?] regime.

With nowhere to go and his remaining family kidnapped by rebels, [Remaining family besides his sister?] Bennett tosses aside his childhood dream, taking on a life of piracy. Together with new friends, Bennett will devise a plan to rescue his sister [family?] while spitting in the faces of both the empire and rebellion before all-out war tears her [them?] from his grasp. [If his sister is his only remaining family member, just say sister.]

DREAMS OF ETHEREAL ASH is a 92,000-word YA fantasy appealing to readers of The Storm Crow and Dark Shores.

Thank you for your consideration.

Notes

You need an Ethereal to get magic so summoning an Ethereal apparently doesn't require magic. What does it require, and why can't Bennett do it? Because he has a malady? Is there an Ethereal somewhere waiting to be summoned by Bennett, and thinking, Come on, you moron, just say my name three times?

Now that Bennett's seen the light, why doesn't he want to join the rebels? It would give him easier access to his sister than being a pirate. True, a sixteen-year old kid would be welcomed by degenerate pirates, but not for the right reasons. Plus, his sister isn't gonna want to be a pirate, so it's either join the rebels or move to another empire.

Was Bennett on the island when the rebels attacked? What are the rebels doing with all the people they kidnapped? 

If everyone except Bennett has magic, he should know he's disqualified from becoming a knight. He'd be like Peter Parker before he became Spiderman, fighting against Doctor Strange.

Whether you need to mention Ethereals in the query depends on whether they are useful after they give you magic. You summon one, it gives you magic, and then? Abandons you? Hangs with you like a wise-cracking sidekick? 

I don't think we need everything in the first paragraph. If you started something like:

For sixteen-year-old Bennett, becoming a knight would fulfill his every dream. But in a society where magic is as common as cockroaches, becoming a knight is impossible for someone without it. Someone like Bennett. 

An attack on his home island of Sutton shatters Bennett's world. Were it an ordinary pirate raid, life would go on, but the Imperial Knights were never prepared for a rebel invasion . . . 

you might have room to provide some answers to my questions. Or to tell us what kind of magic we're talking about. Apparently the knights can't stop the rebels by creating a force field or making them all disappear or turning them into frogs. What do people use magic for?

Face-Lift 1408

Guess the Plot

Waking Horizon

1. Beware, for the days of yore have come to pass and the horizon wakes to cleanse the world. Too bad Jenna sleeps in until noon.

2. 6'6" 330lb Marco Bryce attends the Air Force Academy on a linebacker scholarship, but he really wants to fly jet fighters. Unfortunately, so do a lot of shorter, lighter applicants. Fortunately, they are shorter, lighter, and a lot more fragile.

3. Narcolepsy is ruining Vern's life. His well-meaning mother sends him to a clinic for necrophobia which happens to be an undercover training grounds for killing the undead. Vern enjoys training to become a slayer, but falling asleep at the wrong moment leads to an unfortunate misunderstanding of which side of the grave he belongs on.

4. When Mary picked up a book on lucid dreaming she didn't think it would lead to setting loose a dream demon. Now half the population is falling into comas, the other half is going crazy from lack of sleep, and the Dream Keepers tell Mary her death is the only way to stop the demon. She just hopes prom isn't cancelled.

5. When witch Anisa gets accused of accessory to attempted murder, the alpha of the lupine pack is pissed. This could bring unwanted attention to all the new species infiltrating the human race. Also, an unlikely romance.

6. As the sun rises, the residents of the Corgian Kingdom see the purple horde army of their enemy, Annuviul IV, moving through the plains, and it doesn't look like they're coming for a party. Can one teenage girl thwart them with her secret superpower? 


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Killing people is complicated. Nearly as complicated as [getting rid of the body, but she'll find a place to put it if it takes] the rest of Anisa Claire Hawthorn's life. She'd [She's] spent the last fifteen years of her damned existence running.Now she kills the same monsters that killed her mother. The modern world has become a frightening place.The human race is still adjusting to news of the three new species that call themselves "The Kindred". [Are the monsters who killed her mother people or actual monsters? If she's killing non-human monsters, why not open by saying killing monsters is complicated?.] They bear resemblance to the mythical creatures that human folklore has painted in many shades over the centuries- and Anisa is one of them.She's a craft weaver, whom many in human history have labeled a witch. If only they knew there were much worse things out there. [Who is "they"? Many in human history? How would the world be different if only they knew?] [Are craft weavers one of the three new species? Because they aren't that new.] [Three of the sentences in this paragraph didn't have a space after them.] 

But trying to be inconspicuous isn't alsways [always] easy when you're a Kindred. Humans view the Kindred in equal parts reverence and fear. Some, with a healthy dose of suspecion. [suspicion] Regardless, Anisa tries to start anew when she settles in a small, rural town in Northern Georgia.

Despite her best efforts, Anisa suddenly receives more attention than a girl in hiding could ask for-becoming an accessory for [to] attempted murder to start [for starters]. Now some of the local Kindred aren't happy with her; namely, [especially] the alpha of the southern lupine pack. Still trying to stay under the radar, while simultaneously ["While" implies simultaneously.] attempting to clear her name, Anisa uses every tool at her disposal to find whose [who's] set her up. [You said she became an accessory to murder, but clearing her name suggests she didn't do it.] Can she awaken the foreign magic within in order to save herself and those she loves? [If she's been killing monsters, I have to assume she's already awakened the magic within. If you have magic powers, you don't keep them buried within when you're going monster hunting. You didn't see the Scarlet Witch taking on Thanos without using her magic.] Or will she lose to the impending threat just waking over the horizon? [What is the impending threat that's just waking?]

Waking Horizon is a 94,000 word paranormal romance novel. [This is a romance novel? Who's the romance between? Anisa and the wolfman?] It is the first installment to a series. Readers that enjoy works from Ilona Andrews and Gena Showalter might also enjoy this.

I live in Birmingham, Alabama where I work as a nurse in the ICU. I've had a love for reading my entire life, and have recently developed an equal love and enjoyment for writing.

Thank you for your time and consideration.


Notes

How many monsters were involved in killing her mother? Shouldn't have taken more than two or three, so Anisa should be finished with her mission.

Start over. Paragraph 1: Who's your main character, what's her situation, and what's her goal? (Saving the world? Hooking up with the hunky warlock?)

Paragraph 2: What obstacles are preventing her from succeeding? What's her plan to overcome them? What goes wrong?

Paragraph 3: What's at stake? What will happen if she fails? (To the world or to her lover or whatever). 

Something about the romance should be included.

New Beginning 1090

I am twelve. I have reddish blond pigtails, a retainer, big front teeth my orthodontist says I will grow into. He made me feel bad when he said I was in the ugly duckling stage. I wanted him to fix, really fix my teeth. I read the story when I was six, my Dad read it to me when I was three. I know what an ugly duckling is. It isn’t nice to be called names.

Especially that name when you know that is what you are.

I have glasses. I have to wear them at school. My teacher makes me. She makes me sit at the front. I don’t want to be in front. The side, the back – anywhere but the front.

I got up from my front row desk, walked over to her at her desk and told her “You are very sick.”

I think she thought I was being rude or nasty. I put my arms around her. She felt stiff. I told her it was okay, we all get sick one day. Her sickness just came early. I touched her face, told her it will be fast and not to worry.

I handed her tissues as her eyes filled, we have to carry tissues in our breast pocket at school. I felt bad.

I took my glasses off. I always see better without them. I closed my eyes, my arms still around her.

“I will miss you when you go.” Tears dripped down my face. I tasted salt.

My teacher went kind of soft and put her arms around me.

“Thank you.” She whispered close to my ear. I hugged her more.


I am an Indigo Child. And that means...

"But," she interrupted me, "It's indolent. You are an indolent child. Look it up -- it will help you with your essay: And I'm not going anywhere until you finish it."

As I stepped back, she thanked me again with a firmer voice. Then she took my hand, un-clenched my fingers, and took back the pearl necklace I had removed from her during the hug. "First my purse, then my cellphone, now this," she said, shaking her head. "You're the one who is sick."


Opening: Wilkins MacQueen.....Continuation: ril