Feedback Request

The author of the book featured most recently here, would like feedback on the following version of the query:


Dear Mr. Evil Editor:

She-wolf is a nickname twenty-eight-year-old Verity Hearst earned as one of the world's highest paid assassins. She spends her free time adding to her Louboutin shoe collection and relaxing in bubble baths, but lives for the pleasure of the kill. When she's told she'll have a partner on her next assignment, taking out men at the head of a billion-dollar human and drug trafficking operation, a partner sounds like a good idea. Until she meets his ego.

Verity's new partner Cy looks like a Greek god, and frequently checks himself out in mirrors. He's the world's most elite assassin, and Verity's instincts mean nothing to him. When they're sent to a booby-trapped island to eliminate their final target--a psychopath with kidnapped children in cages--Cy insists they use his maps [do everything his way]. Too bad [But] Verity isn't sold on his version of strategically winging it. ["Winging it" seems to me like what you do when you have no specific strategy. Maybe: But Verity isn't sold on his "strategy" of simply winging it.]

Verity knows Cy's plan will [probably] get them killed. He refuses to back down, and prepares for their mission with whiskey cocktails and a power nap. She could break the rules and kill their target on her own, but she needs Cy's help fighting off the island's guards. She'd rather step on a landmine than reason with a reckless man-child, but she has little time to weigh her options. Their target is expecting them. Working with Cy is the only way Verity will survive, and she sure as hell isn't letting a dangerous pedophile get away.

KILLER IN HEELS in [is] a 70,000-word suspense novel.

Thank you for your time and consideration,


Notes

If you change "psychopath" to "pedophile" in P2, we'll know you're talking about the same person in P3.

Face-Lift 1378

Guess the Plot

The House at the Crossroads of Time

1. Dennis is lost again. In a nearly perfect world, where everything has its place and makes sense, Dennis can’t remember where he lives. He knows he went up the right road and made the right left, but when? Is that Albert kid playing tricks again? 

2. All Peter Finlay wanted was a place to hole up until the manhunt moved on. He was willing to put up with a few ghosts, until he discovered himself among them. Now he's not certain he'll still exist if he leaves. Also, taxidermy instruction. 

3. Delightful anachronisms happen all the time(!)...dinosaurs on the driveway, romans on the roof, crusaders in the cupboards. As long as the indoor plumbing remains fixed in this century, the Fillison family has some great alliterative adventures. 

4. When Cody Little learns that leaving his house by the side door puts him on the street one hour earlier than leaving by the front door, and the back door opens onto yesterday, how will he use this ability to control time? Should he save lives, cheat the lottery, or finally catch up on binge-watching Netflix? 

5. Jezebel saw the house for sale in the local paper. It was reasonably priced and within walking distance of her job. Yet after the house tour, it seems twenty years have passed since anyone has seen her, and she hasn't aged a day.

6. If only the real plot were one of those first five, but no, it's about a young woman destined to be the Great Queen of Faerie . . . or is it? 


Original Version

Dear sirs, 

I am writing to you because you have published authors that write Fantasy and Urban Fantasy.

            

In my 55,500[-]word fantasy novel, titled THE HOUSE AT THE CROSSROADS OF TIME, a young woman discovers that she is to be the Great Queen of Faerie.  As the story unfolds, she realizes that to become this “Great Queen”, she must kill her aunt, who had been the Queen of Faerie two-thousand years ago, and her aunt’s brother, who is presently [currently] the ruler of Faerie, and absorb their essences. [Two sentences is all we get to decide if your plot is worthy of our time?]

            

A graduate of the University of Redlands, with of [a] BA in Liberal Studies, I hold a CA Teaching Credential and am currently teaching elementary school.  My interests include Celtic Mythology, which reflects heavily in my first novel. [Your school, degree, and job aren't needed. That you teach a course in Celtic mythology would be more relevant than that it's one of your interests.]

            

Thank you for reading my query. 

Sincerely,


Notes

If this character with no name doesn't kill her nameless aunt and (uncle? father?), what will happen? The nameless ruler will continue to rule? Is he a good ruler or a bad ruler? If good, why not let him continue? If bad, maybe absorbing his essence isn't such a good idea.

Is your main character a human, Faerie, or combo? How young is she? Is she torn with regard to killing two "people"? Does she want to be queen? Either way, what's her plan? What goes wrong? What if she fails? 8 to 10 sentences should be enough to answer these questions, giving us a better idea of what happens in your book.

Feedback Request

The author of the book featured in Face-Lift 1375 would like feedback on the following revision:

I am seeking representation for Hamilton Boggs, a 91,000 word YA fantasy novel that will appeal to fans of writers as diverse as Diana Wynne Jones, Philip Pullman, and Diane Duane.

When orphaned 13-year-old Hamilton Boggs comes home to find his apartment destroyed and his grandmother mortally wounded, he learns he is a young wizard with a price on his head. [Who tells him this? Does he just figure it out?] After barely escaping capture by the chimera Ruzgar, the right-hand monster of the mysterious Yellow King, Hamilton travels to Savannah, Georgia, one of the last neutral cities in the war-torn wizarding world. There, he is given refuge at Westley House, a southern manor converted into a school for magic for the refugee children pouring into the city.

But Savannah, Hamilton soon learns, is anything but safe. It is crawling with spies and mercenaries, all of them looking for a secretive monster and the terrible weapon it is said to possess. [Usually we don't think of monsters as having weapons other than their jaws and claws and laser vision and fire breath.] Befriended by Daisy Blue, the only daughter of the manor-turned-school’s scions, and Ozzie DeLillo, Savannah’s young magical genius, Hamilton begins to his own search for the monster, intent on doing what he can to fight the Yellow King and avenge the death of his grandmother. Aided by a series of unlikely allies (including a Bartleby Cat, a bad omen dealer, a Voodoo prince and the last king of the Dalwyn, a magical race banned and persecuted in previous centuries), Hamilton, Daisy and Ozzie work to find the monster before its weapon can fall into the wrong hands. 

Along the way, they unearth the duplicitous scheming of Savannah’s Mayor Wallace, discovering the lengths [how far] he will go to profit off the misfortune of the refugees. As asylum seekers continue to flood into the city, ghettoized in a camp on the outskirts of town and vilified by the mayor and his followers, Hamilton and his friends must race to secure the weapon before Wallace’s secret pact with the Yellow King can be concluded [Do they know about this secret pact? If so, it's not really secret. Also, if there's a pact, why isn't it "concluded"? They haven't signed the paperwork yet?] and the Savannah they know destroyed forever. [Why would the mayor of Savannah want Savannah destroyed forever? He's already the top dog in the city. What more does he want?]

Though originally from Boulder, Colorado, I currently live in Istanbul, Turkey, where I teach and do freelance writing and advertising work for several magazines and companies. I am a member of SCBWI. 

Notes

Hamilton's goal is to find the monster who has a secret weapon. Which is pretty much stated three times:

P3, S3: Hamilton begins his own search for the monster,

P3, S4: Hamilton, Daisy and Ozzie work to find the monster before its weapon can fall into the wrong hands

P4, S2: Hamilton and his friends must race to secure the weapon

The stakes, apparently, are that if they fail, the Savannah they know will be destroyed forever. Still not clear how Savannah is described as neutral if there's a war of sorts in progress there.

Characters mentioned in query: Hamilton, Daisy, Ozzie, Yellow King, Ruzgar, monster, grandmother, Mayor Wallace, Voodoo prince, Dalwyn King, bad omen dealer, Bartlelby cat. (Not to mention spies, mercenaries, refugees, and mayor's followers). Too many. We can do without the four unlikely allies, and if you start when Hamilton arrives in Savannah, we won't need grandma or Ruzgar.

How do these kids plan to get the monster's terrible weapon when all the spies and mercenaries in town can't do it? With their great magical powers? Hamilton has progressed from not even knowing he was a wizard to being a really powerful one pretty fast. In between their goal and what happens if they fail, we need to know their plan, what goes wrong, what they do about it. 

Is the monster working with the Yellow King, or are they on opposite sides? If you don't tell us how they're connected, maybe you should limit the query to one villain. We can assume the mayor and Yellow King are working together as one villain. But I'm not clear on what the two (or more) sides in this war are fighting for. 

Face-Lift 1377

Guess the Plot

Beast Weaver

1. Beauty’s friend takes up a new hobby.

2. A comprehensive guide on how to weave in 200 different animal designs as part of whatever craft project is on hand. Plus 10 short stories that inspired some of the patterns.

3. When Ferdinand sets out to win the 'Best Weaver' prize at the local state fair, well, let's just say there's a slight misunderstanding.... 

4. After Evelyinne's parents sell her to an evil fairy, she escapes and goes to the big city to work in the textile industry. She hears rumors of guards hunting for a malicious witch who's turning people into animals, only to realize later the cloth she weaves is responsible. Can she convince the fairy who now hates her to help her learn to control her powers?

5. Who cares what the plot is? There's a beast with the head and wings of an eagle combined with the torso of a man and the arms, legs, and tail of a lion! Yowza!

6. What else do you call a cross between a bear and a tarantula?

7. A genius geneticist manages to breed Przewalski horses recently reintroduced to the Russian landscape with the DNA of mammoth creatures. So what do you get? Huge horses with tusks and elephant feet. Quite a combo plate. 

8. Lisa’s new weaving kit looks like a lame present. But one day she starts to use it, and strange things happening. Fierce creatures roam through her house every night. Seems like she’s the one creating them with the kit. Can she weave one big enough to bite off her French teacher’s head before her mid-years?

Original Version

Dear Agent,

In all the nine kingdoms there is no place quite as safe and boring as the village of Ruthaven, no mythical creatures and no adventures to be had, the perfect place to hide a future king. [I'm not a stickler for sentences actually having to be sentences, but this being the first sentence, and the first impression, I'd go with: In all the nine kingdoms there is no place as safe and boring as the village of Ruthaven. With no mythical creatures and no adventures to be had, it's the perfect place to hide a future king.] Edmund Olivale has done his best to raise Lancel, the future king, alongside his daughter Kira, [Is Lancel Edmund's son? Stepson?] but when an assassin shows up at their front door the village is no longer a safe place. 

Edmund flees with his family to the eastern mountains, searching for an old friend. With the head and wings of an eagle combined with the torso of a man and the arms, legs, and tail of a lion, Edmond’s friend is a beast of his own creation. ["His" meaning Edmund's friend or Edmund?] [Sounds like a griffin, although a griffin doesn't have a human torso. Then again, what difference does it make what kind of torso it is? If he were smart he'd have given it a torso of something less vulnerable, like a rhinoceros or a dump truck.] Now Kira knows why her father taught her the beast language of Rarack. He’s a beast weaver and with a little practice, she can be one too. 

[English to Rarack Translator

Human : Rarack

Lioness : Rarack

Weapon : Rarack

Villager : Rarack

Covfefe : Rarack

Typical Beast Conversation

Beast 1: Rarack rarack!
Beast 2: Rarack rarack rarack!
Beast 1: Rarack.]

Kira will need her new ability to help her brother earn his rightful place on the throne of Vanderhelm. The creatures she creates become increasingly valuable [vital?] when the children are separated from their father. [What role are the beasts playing? Scouts? Guides? Bodyguards?] With little knowledge of the nine kingdoms, they place their faith in a well-traveled fifteen-year-old boy named Varro to guide them from kingdom to kingdom as they try to build an army.

To win support they must embark on quests like defeating an army of vengeful battle-toads, gathering ingredients to cure a paralyzed king, and recovering a flightless groundhawk that serves as a kingdom’s mascot. Soon the three kids find themselves with an army of followers, but how can they best assassins that seem to pop out of every corner and how can they ever beat the warlock king who can turn himself into the most fearsome beast imaginable, a three-headed dragon? [They have no chance of success. The good news is you won't have to write a sequel.]

Beast Weaver is a middle-grade fantasy novel, clocking in at 60,000 words. [I haven't seen "clocking in at" used for anything other than time. "Coming in at" might be better, although you could say Beast Weaver is a 60,000-word middle-grade fantasy novel.] I chose you as a literary agent [I'm writing to you] because you have represented M.G. fantasy before. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Notes

Unless there's a good reason for your future king's name to be so similar to Lancelot, change it.

Why is Edmund's son the future king? Who is the current king? Why and from whom did Lancel have to be hidden, and how come he's now free to travel everywhere recruiting an army instead of finding another hiding place? What enemy is Lancel's army going to fight, and why?

If you've got two beast weavers in your family, wouldn't it be better to create an army of beasts instead of recruiting a bunch of puny unreliable humans? 

Why would soldiers be willing to join an army led by kids, and if they are willing to do so, why weren't they willing a few weeks ago? Just because the kids rescued their mascot and stomped on some toads?

I think you need to rewrite the query in a way that answers some of my questions and doesn't inspire me to ask so many other ones.

It might help to focus the query on one character.

Even when I offer Guess the Plot, they're all written by me and the same two or three other people. Maybe no one comes to this blog anymore?

Face-Lift 1376

Guess the Plot

The Power of Dusk

1. The power of dusk is a curious thing / Make a one man weep, make another man sing. 

2. You can't stop it. You can't reason with it. It just keeps coming, relentlessly, until everything is black and even the sun is gone. 

3. After Carrie Silver's fiancé departs in his sailboat on the short trip  to the mainland, he mysteriously disappears. Three days later, Carrie sets out . . . at dusk . . . on a stolen sailboat with her little terrier, Fickle, to find him. 

4. They come out . . . at dusk . . . and terrorize the small town of Loganville. But are they werewolves or vampires? Or both? It's up to blind sheriff Paul Matthews to end the carnage.

5. Lulu never worries about daytime, but as the sun sets, and night approaches, a cold sweat shakes her body, for she knows this could be the night she dies. That's . . . the power of dusk.

6. Surgeon Gene McAdoo has never separated conjoined twins, but not only has he taken on the task, he's also planning to perform the operation outdoors . . . at dusk.

7. The newest supervillain on the block has been underestimated for far too long! Dusk might have a power with no real use, but that doesn't mean he can't villain with the best!! Now if he could just find his keys, the world will pay!!!! 

8. With the setting of the sun, the ancient vampire rises once more. Will four plucky teenagers and their dog save the old village? Or are these their last highjinks? 

9. For decades, Dawn has been the best weapon in the Dishwasher Guild's arsenal. But Aunt Matilda's twenty-cheese mystery meat casserole won't be washed away so easily. This calls for something more powerful than Dawn. Something darker. Also, elbow grease.

10. In a world where fossil fuels have been banned and solar energy powers the grid, there is a time between daylight and darkness when things get a little draggy.

11. 17-year-old Morgan forms a bond of friendship with Jonathan and his sister Ava. But he soon wonders if the siblings have anything to do with the gruesome murders that have been committed lately . . . at dusk.

12. Medieval Persian Magician's daughter Blue Dusk has been reincarnated as a fluffy Persian kitten. Let's see how much trouble she can get into THIS time!



Original Version

I'm seeking the right agent to represent my manuscript THE POWER OF DUSK. The novel is New Adult – suspense with a word count of 85,459. Based on your varied interests, I believe you're the ideal fit for my manuscript. [Everyone has varied interests. Which specific interests are relevant to this book?]

THE POWER OF DUSK is the saga of MORGAN, a seventeen-year-old striving to escape life with his alcoholic and neglectful father in small-town Pennsylvania. [Seventeen is a good age for Young Adult books. New Adult books usually feature twenty-something MCs.] When Morgan must earn money to feed himself, he develops a friendship with AVA and JONATHAN. [After reading the first half of that sentence, I expect the second half to be something like . . . he takes a job at the local Exxon station. How does developing this friendship get Morgan money to feed himself?] As their bond deepens, Morgan receives the guidance and love absent from his life. [How old are these people giving him guidance?] Soon he learns the siblings have a secret. A dark secret he promises to keep. [What is the secret? Don't worry, this agent isn't going to reveal the secret to the world. She just wants to know whether the secret is they're vampires or they're sleeping together. Or both.] Meanwhile, the small town is on edge following a series of gruesome murders. [Is this the same small town where he was living with his neglectful alcoholic father? If I were trying to escape from my home life, I'd go farther than across town. Especially if the town I'm in is the scene of a recent series of gruesome unsolved murders.] A stranger from Ava['s] and Jonathan's past threatens danger. [Too vague.] When the threat becomes too great, Morgan must conquer his fears and alter his plans for the future. [Also vague.] But the consequences bring an extraordinary danger Morgan must defeat on his own to survive. [Still vague.]


Notes

We need to know what Morgan's goal is, how he plans to achieve it, what's stopping him, what he does about that. With specific information. Danger is threatened. The threat becomes too great. The danger becomes extraordinary. Who is the stranger, and why is he/she threatening our hero? Without specifics, we don't know what sets this book apart from other books.

New Beginning 1082

As I look back over a long life I must admit I miss my two Dobies, my show dogs, my dear companions, more than my kids. Of course I love my kids, but we’ve not been in contact for decades. Shit happens.

Don’t get me wrong I’d give each kid a lung or kidney if they needed a body part – but those two dogs, Spock and Sugar Bear, [I'd even give them my heart or my tail.] [Sugar Bear, obviously named after the 60s cartoon Bing Crosby-sounding spokesbear who convinced kids that Sugar Smacks would give them super strength, and Spock, obviously named after Spock.] well they gave my life meaning in a different way and they loved me as I loved them. [Unlike my kids who haven't sent me a Mothers Day card in decades, after I carried them in my womb for nine months. Ingrates.] Animals are different from kids. I don’t know why. [If fish could talk, they'd say, "Humans are different from fish. I don't know why.] It is what it is. 

Like my horses, but that is a different story. What is heaven? Will I have my boys back – those lovely dogs who made my life worth living when a marriage was busting apart? I had to say goodbye to each one – as they died, too young, big dogs don’t live long.

The joy, the funny sense of humor each had. So I remain grateful I had these lovely, whacko (at times) dogs that loved me as I loved them. [The end.] 

In the grand scheme of things what I hope for is . . . a decent, hardworking man who does crazy butt-dances while wiggling all over when I get home from the store, howls at the moon, pisses on fireplugs, and chases cats. Knowing how to make a good martini is a plus, but you can't have everything, can you?


Opening: Wilkins MacQueen.....Continuation: khazar-khum/jcwrites


Notes

Though Spock and Sugar Bear can never be replaced, I think you should adopt a couple new dogs.

Face-Lift 1375

Guess the Plot

Hamilton Boggs

1. Average man, average life, average thoughts. It's literary. 

2. Orphaned boy enrolls at a school for wizards, befriends a boy and girl there, and saves the world from monsters and evil wizards. It's like nothing you've ever read before.

3. Hamilton Boggs was an unfortunate name for a fae, so he preferred to go by Ilton. As the local mischief maker for the swine population, he is hoping to move up in the world to equines. And maybe grow an inch or two. 

4. Curious knockoff of the broadway hit. 

5. Everyone knew Hamilton Boggs was the most ruthless lawyer in Dubuque, but no one at the Merry Bear Leather Club expected him to go quite that far for a divorce case.

6. After winning the state spelling bee, Hamilton Boggs heads for D.C. for the Nationals. But someone doesn't want Hamilton to win, and will do anything to prevent it. Including murder.

Original Version

I am seeking representation for Hamilton Boggs, a 91,000 word YA fantasy novel that will appeal to fans of writers as diverse as Diana Wynne Jones, Philip Pullman, and Diane Duane.

Hamilton Boggs thinks he is an average 13-year-old boy, [13 is a good age for a middle-grade book, the kind with wizards and monsters. YA readers seem to prefer characters their own age.] but when he comes home to find his apartment destroyed and his grandmother mortally wounded, he learns he is a young wizard with a price on his head. [Hmm. My apartment's destroyed, my grandmother's dead . . . it can't be a robbery gone horribly wrong; it can only mean I'm a young wizard with a price on my head.] After barely escaping capture by the chimera Ruzgar, the right-hand monster of the mysterious Yellow King, Hamilton travels to Savannah, GA, one of the last neutral cities in the war-torn wizarding world. There, he is given refuge and hidden at Westley House, a southern manor converted into a school for magic for the refugee children flooding into the city. [What's the point of traveling to a neutral city if he has to be given refuge and hidden? It doesn't sound so neutral if bad guys are there hunting people down.] [Are all the refugee children wizards? Or does this school teach wizardry to non-wizards? Either way, if kids are flooding into the city, one manor house isn't gonna hold them all.] 

At Westley House, Hamilton befriends Daisy Blue, the only daughter of the manor-turned-school’s scions, and Ozzie DeLillo, Savannah’s young magical genius. As he navigates the strange new world of southern magic, Hamilton soon discovers that Savannah is crawling with spies and mercenaries, all of whom seem to be looking for a secretive monster and the terrible weapon it is said to possess. [He's being hidden in this manor house, but he discovers what's going on throughout the city?] When Hamilton runs across this very monster in the misty pine forests around Westley House, he is drawn deeper into the conflict, discovering along the way who he really is and what role he has to play in the war tearing the magical world apart. [It's a rare 13-year-old who runs into a monster with a terrible weapon while alone in a misty forest, and uses the event as an opportunity for self-examination.]

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Notes

On the one hand, it's refreshing that you haven't referenced Harry Potter. On the other hand, you've got a school for magic in a wizarding world, and an orphaned MC, so maybe you should confess.

Who is fighting against whom in this war tearing the magical world apart? And why?

Ruzgar and the Yellow King get mentioned once and then dropped, leading me to wonder how important they are.  The same with Daisy and Ozzie (AKA Hermione and Ron). And Grandma.

It's well-written, but it doesn't get very far into the plot. Possibly you could condense this into something like:

When orphaned 13-year-old Hamilton Boggs arrives in Savannah, Georgia, one of the last neutral cities in the war-torn wizarding world, he finds refuge at Westley House, a southern manor converted into a school for magic. Savannah is crawling with spies and mercenaries, all of them looking for a secretive monster and the terrible weapon it is said to possess. When Hamilton runs across this very monster in the misty pine forests around Westley House, he is drawn deep into the war tearing the magical world apart.

That gives you room to expound on the war and Hamilton's role therein and what will happen if he fails to accomplish whatever he needs to accomplish.

Face-Lift 1374

Guess the Plot

The Miller's Daughter

1. When her father's millstone breaks, Sera knows their family is doomed. So in exchange for a new millstone, she marries a tall, dark, and very odd stranger. Nothing will go wrong, right? Its not like a fairy tale.

2. After Eza, the miller's daughter, runs away, she meets a man who offers to help her find work. Little does she know her benefactor is the crown prince! But before they even fall in love, Eza is stolen away by another prince who wants to marry her. Will this story end unhappily ever after?

3. Two years after Jack "The Miller" Parker died in an electric chair for a twenty-state killing spree, his daughter Fay recovers from the coma he left her in. When Fay realizes he actually escaped she begins plotting her revenge for her slaughtered pets, nomadic childhood, and lack of birthday presents.

4. Bawdy tale of a fair lass from Canterbury who dispenses STDs in ye Olde London Towne.

5. She had flaxen skin, wheaten hair, eyes the color of rye, tasted of granola, smelled of yeast. I loved kneading her rising rolls and feeling her moist buns. She had yet to be ground down by life, crushed and winnowed to the winds. I couldn't wait for the day I'd finally get to put my loaf in her oven.



Original Version

Eza has a problem, one she is trying to escape. When she stumbles into Rurith, she is scared but determined that no one should know her past. While wandering through the market square, she meets a man who offers to help her find work. However, he fails to mention that he is the crown prince, Thames. They form a fast friendship, despite the secrets between them. [I wasn't sure at first whether Rurith was a person or a place. Also, "stumbles into" makes me wonder if she's drunk. "Stumbles upon" or "happens upon" are better. Also, if it's a place you can stumble upon, with a market square, I tend to think it's a small village, but villages don't have crown princes. Is Thames the crown prince of Rurith? Is Rurith a kingdom? Not sure I buy the crown prince offering to help a stranger find work.]

Then, an emissary from a nearby kingdom arrives at the castle. He explains that he is looking for the Veredian prince's betrothed who has been missing for a few weeks. As he describes the girl, it becomes apparent that he is looking for Eza. The story the emissary tells of how the princess was kidnapped does not make sense. Thames begins to suspect that there is something the emissary is hiding. Worried for Eza's safety, he tries to protect her. Still, she is found and taken away. [Did he try hiding her in the castle? Or is he still refusing to tell her who he is? This emissary can't just barge into the castle, search for Eza, and take her away if she doesn't want to go.] Not sure if they will ever see each other again, the fate for them both [their story] looks like it might be [end] unhappily ever after.

The Miller’s Daughter is complete at 95,000 words. It blends plot twists with the nostalgia of classic fairy tales including Rumpelstiltskin, The Frog Prince, and Sleeping Beauty. [That's pretty long for a fairy tale. What age group are you targeting? If adults, you might want to mention a novel instead of fairy tales. There are dozens of novels in which a royal poses as someone else (King Richard, in Ivanhoe or The Adventures of Robin Hood; Aragorn as Strider in LOTR; the prince in The Prince and the Pauper. I don't think you've described the plot in a way that shows much similarity to any of the stories you mention.] With a strong and stubborn heroine, it plays on the cliché narrative of love in fairy tales as Eza searches to find a true sense of self, the freedom she has always wanted, and a family to call her own.


Notes

Maybe you should mention that Eza and Thames fall in love, rather than just say they form a fast friendship.

It's okay to reveal in the query the secret Eza doesn't want anyone to know. Many miller's daughters would jump at the chance to become the Veredian princess. What's the downside?

New Beginning 1081

May 4, 1970. Her life changed.

Shilo lost her unarmed brother and her sweet room mate [roommate] Johanna. Now decades later, sick of swallowing the bile[,] she woke up angry in 2018, pissed to her limit and decided that will do. Time to find the shooters. Just enough. The two people she loved the most, ripped from life so young. For what?

As a mother, grandmother, soon to be great grand mother [grandmother,] Shiloh woke up very angry that anniversary day. She’d find the shooters and make them pay. After vomiting at dawn she rinsed her mouth and looked at her old sad face in the mirror.

“You sons of bitches. You are so done. You’ll know what it means to… die.”

Her chin lifted, she wiped her tears. Justice would be served. Her life was coming to a close. She had nothing to lose. But those bastards sure did.

“Just watch me,” she promised the two people who meant the world, the whole world to her. “I’m going to make it right.” Because no else has…or will.

She showered, went down stairs [downstairs] and had a great full fry breakfast – pork belly pea meal rolled bacon, eggs, fried green tomatoes and how she relished the sour taste of those ‘matoes.

“I’m coming for you. You had no right. If no one has or [else] will make it right, I’m gonna.”

Shilo sat on her computer for hours. Days. [Then decided it would be more productive to sit in front of it.] When she got the name of the man who authorized the shooting she got in her car, loaded for bear.

Payback is a bitch – and its [it's] named Shilo. With stage four whatever, she had one more thing to do before she died. And bloody hell, she was going to [do] it. She grinned as she hit the road.

This was going to feel real good.

Without taking her eyes off the road, she flipped open the picnic basket riding in the passenger seat and groped around for the ziplock full'a those 'matoes.

Gotta keep the bile pumping.


Opening: Wilkins MacQueen.....Continuation: JCWrites


Notes

If Shilo were going to die alone in a few months, it might be plausible that she wants to go out with this kind of bang, but she's a mother, grandmother, soon to be great grandmother. I find it hard to believe she wouldn't rather spend her remaining time with some of her family than trying to kill some guy who's probably pushing eighty by now.

Neither of the women killed at Kent State was named Johanna. So you've either created a third (fictional) female victim or changed the name of a victim. Not that this isn't done. Saving Private Ryan was loosely based on a real person who wasn't named Ryan. Not sure why this feels different to me.

Shilo originally sets out to find the shooters. At least 29 guardsmen shot their weapons, so is she going after all 29, or does she somehow know which two shot the bullets that killed her brother and Johanna?

Later Shilo is just going after the man who authorized the massacre, which makes more sense, although killing a guy who has maybe one more decade to live isn't much payback for the six decades taken from the victims, plus how does she know that anyone authorized it?

If you're sending a few pages or chapters to an agent or editor, a bunch of minor errors on page 1 is likely to doom you.

I recommend writing a novel in which a team of people with stage 4 whatever parachute into some danger zone on a mission to kill the head of a terrorist group or the American president. It would be like The Dirty Dozen, but instead of convicted killers it's terminal patients.

New Beginning 1080

I was in a taxi  in Asia and my foot hit a bag on the floor. I opened it after pulling it up on my lap. OMG. Money, money and more money. Stunned, I shut it quickly. I did NOT want the driver to see/notice this frigging huge windfall and get killed for it. I live in a third word (emerging?) country.  Emerging from what? Wish I knew.

I left the taxi after fighting over the over charge these countries pull. 50 HK dollars for each bag in HK taxis. Taxi drivers in China taking off with your bags still in the trunk. Laos (pronounced Low as in allowed) enough.

I had a huge bundle of free money. A fortune.  Enough for a year or more in the shit hole I was in. Five years in Nepal, oh God can I really get to Katmandu? Landing there is pretty tricky by plane. Too old to walk to first base camp, but with dough I could hire a Sherpa team of men to haul my stuff and afford to buy or rent a yak I could ride to my one bucket dream. With all this cash, should I live out that part of my bucket list or try and find the person whose money it was and give it back.

So I prayed a lot and…

For once, God answered me, saying, "That's My money. I left it in the cab while I ran into Starbucks for a decaf latte, and the frigging driver took off with My luggage in the trunk. Damn Asian taxi drivers, they'll all burn in hell if I have My way. And I do have My way. Anyway, do Me a solid and drop it off at the nearest SPCA chapter. 

Oh, and forget your bucket list. If you can't get to the first base camp without a yak, you won't make it fifty meters up Everest, you moron.

Opening: Wilkins MacQueen.....Continuatioin: EE



Notes

P1: Sounds like you're saying you don't want the driver to get killed for the money.

Third world

P2: Last sentence doesn't make sense. No need for pronunciation lesson.

P3: Kathmandu. Question mark after last sentence.