Friday, June 29, 2018

Feedback Request

The author of the book featured most recently here, would like feedback on the following version of the query:

Dear Mr. Evil Editor:

She-wolf is a nickname twenty-eight-year-old Verity Hearst earned as one of the world's highest paid assassins. She spends her free time adding to her Louboutin shoe collection and relaxing in bubble baths, but lives for the pleasure of the kill. When she's told she'll have a partner on her next assignment, taking out men at the head of a billion-dollar human and drug trafficking operation, a partner sounds like a good idea. Until she meets his ego.

Verity's new partner Cy looks like a Greek god, and frequently checks himself out in mirrors. He's the world's most elite assassin, and Verity's instincts mean nothing to him. When they're sent to a booby-trapped island to eliminate their final target--a psychopath with kidnapped children in cages--Cy insists they use his maps [do everything his way]. Too bad [But] Verity isn't sold on his version of strategically winging it. ["Winging it" seems to me like what you do when you have no specific strategy. Maybe: But Verity isn't sold on his "strategy" of simply winging it.]

Verity knows Cy's plan will [probably] get them killed. He refuses to back down, and prepares for their mission with whiskey cocktails and a power nap. She could break the rules and kill their target on her own, but she needs Cy's help fighting off the island's guards. She'd rather step on a landmine than reason with a reckless man-child, but she has little time to weigh her options. Their target is expecting them. Working with Cy is the only way Verity will survive, and she sure as hell isn't letting a dangerous pedophile get away.

KILLER IN HEELS in [is] a 70,000-word suspense novel.

Thank you for your time and consideration,


If you change "psychopath" to "pedophile" in P2, we'll know you're talking about the same person in P3.


Iamanoldvampirechild said...

I like it. So glad you removed the tea drinking thing and that whole set-up as ( though it was nice ) it really hindered the query from progressing to a higher level. I think the first paragraph reads really well now. All I'd personally think of changing is 'ego' to 'him'. And then I'd put 'ego' in next pararaph. As 'until she meets his ego' sounds off , to me. We don't really meet egos. ANd saying 'him' makes us ask why, which makes want to find out the reason in next paragraph.

I agree with EE change, 'psychopath' to pedophile, because , not only does it suggest two different people, ( or if the agents gets that it's the same person like I did, it still sounds odd to label him as psychopath first, then pedophile later.

'Strategically' winging it or EE's other suggestion, sounds heaps better. I'd honestly just use this query, with EE's suggestions, ( all except - 'their target is expecting them' as I didn't understand why the target would be expecting them.

I think you've done a really good job here from what it was. And it was easy to read and sort of felt 'whole'.

CavalierdeNuit said...

Thank you Mr. Evil Editor!

Iamanoldvampirechild said...

This is so much better than it was. Funny how when you get rid of something that seems good, like the tea drinking stuff, it makes room for more important query info/points. I agree with all EE's advice, just not sure about the 'Their target is expecting them' as I figured their target wouldn't be expecting them, but maybe EE meant it sarcastically.