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Why you don't get published.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Face-Lift 927
Guess the Plot
Through a Glass Darkly
1. The school's science nerd hacks Kari's digital scale and livestreams the results on the Internet, launching Kari into a deadly struggle with anorexia, bulimia, cutting, and a mean stepmom.
2. Nerdy Aaron could not believe his luck! His cool new house-mates not only turned him on to the joys of substance abuse, but they actually trusted him to store the pillowcase full of weed in his room. Hilarity ensues when their house gets raided.
3. The light is out. The glass is broken. Preacher man Joss Simpson will either lose his soul or save it when he enters the mysterious mirrored portal to Dimension X. He has to build a city, an army, and save the world.
4. A gay Japanese man in his last year of law school in the US goes out for the football team and falls for the wide receiver. But will his conservative family in Japan approve? Also, other characters who see life . . . through a glass darkly.
5. At a wild party celebrating his divorce, Steve Betts falls through a second story picture window in the dark. He wakes up in the hospital to find that his wiseacre friends have left him a gift: copies of all 273 books listed on Amazon under the title "Through A Glass Darkly".
6. Kids holding a giant bar mirror across one lane of a dark mountain highway are causing causing a rash of fatal roll-over accidents by drivers trying to avoid head-on collisions (with themselves) -- until a suicidal divorcee sees her chance at escape and floors it dead ahead.
Original Version
Dear Evil Editor,
Stephen James has finally accepted himself as a gay man when he meets Grace and, one coffee later, is left torn between his undeniable attraction to men and the red-headed exception that proves the rule. [Does that mean I can't be sure I'm straight unless I find a guy who's the exception that proves the rule?] [How many coffees did it take for him to accept himself as gay?] He and Grace marry, but his confusion continues, and the marriage fails. [Too bad. But how could anyone have foreseen that?] Another year, another coffee shop, and this time it is Gabriel who has Stephen brushing up on his flirting skills. Will it be different with Gabriel, [Count on it.] or will Stephen push him away as he did Grace? [Don't take this the wrong way, but who cares?]
Higen Nishida attends law school in the United States, planning to return to Japan, the family law firm, and an arranged marriage upon graduation. [Apparently you've overreacted to my last comment by switching the query to a different book.] [Is the legal system in Japan so similar to America's that going to law school in the US prepares you to practice law in Japan? A lot of law school involves studying cases that can be cited as precedents, but not in any country.] When Gabriel encourages him to try out for the football team, [In his last year of law school? Can you make that the badminton team?] Higen finds himself more interested in scoring points with the wide receiver than in scoring points on the field. [Some gay guys do like a wide receiver. Others prefer a tight end! Ba dum ching.] Their relationship [Higen and the wide receiver?] develops over wine, poetry, and summers spent together on the Johnson family ranch, but as Higen’s time in law school nears its end, he must choose whether to meet the expectations of his family and culture or pursue his relationship with Gabriel. [Something tells me Higen isn't going to meet his family's expectations no matter what he does.] [Is Gabriel and Stephen over?]
Raven Madison and Jack Johnson slip away from a party and make love on the beach. [Third time's the charm?] [Is this Jack Johnson of the Johnson family farm?] As Jack rejoins the crowd, Raven is raped, [You'd think he'd stick around until she was ready to go back. What did he say? "This was nice, but it sounds like they're doing the limbo."?] and her injuries leave her blind. [Those are some pretty serious injuries not to have been mentioned at the same time you said she was raped, i.e. Raven is attacked, beaten and raped.] Jack stays by her side as she heals and adjusts to life as a blind woman, ["I'll hang around until you stop bumping into things. Should be good for a few laughs."] but the terrifying flashbacks brought on by his touch leave Raven wondering if her sight is the only thing she lost that night.
Complete at 117,000 words, Through a Glass Darkly is a work of literary fiction that follows the overlapping lives of Stephen, Higen, and Raven [The only names that appear in more than one of the mini-plots are Johnson and Gabriel. Yet Stephen, Higen and Raven are the ones whose lives overlap?] as they struggle to define themselves while relating to others. [Vagueness is always boring. Note how much more interesting the book sounds with a more specific wrap-up: . . . follows the overlapping lives of Stephen, Higen, and Raven as they lead an army of zombies in an invasion of the Johnson family farm.] Thank you for your time and for your consideration.
Sincerely,
Notes
There's no evidence that any one of the three main characters even knows the other two.
Is it possible to focus on one character and how that character's life overlaps with the other two, instead of doing these separate paragraphs for each character? It's hard to form an attachment for a character who merits mention in only a third of the plot summary.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
New Beginning 868
Prentice Carnahan stopped his bike at the pedestrian crossing for three women with a baker's gang of children to pass; little girls in pink and purple swimsuits, scrawny boys in hip-hugging shorts chattered as they balanced and dragged beach chairs, umbrellas, towels and watery floats across the bikeway. A trio of ghosts, the tattooed older siblings not too many years older than the boys, floated alongside like angels guarding their charges. Would that the dead could talk to the living. Would that the living listened.
"You're the Poe-Lease Man who came around when the gang bangers shot my poor Billy. They done set me and my chillun up in the group home over here. We're doing better now, thanks to you," the woman said in her own slightly fragmented English that Prentice remembered. Details like that never left his head, gift of an eidetic memory.
"Yes Ma'am, I'm glad to hear you're doing better."
The bike path paralleled the automobile traffic for several miles next to the park and created a sweaty paradise for Prentice until the jitney appeared.
The jitney was packed by a driver and a butcher’s gang of teenagers; three vampire-wanna-be girls in dark makeup and bikinis, a fat sweaty swearing boy . . . A screaming unisex mob stood on toes, slapped rear ends and threw dry sand across the jitney’s interior. A phalanx of ghosts—a pair of Chinese coolies with conical hats, who were much older than the teenagers, but not that much older—floated alongside the jitney, like diaphanous people with halos.
Prentice recalled one of the coolies saying; “Ah-so, you da porrice-a-maan who herp when my fair-haired lovely little numba’ one daughter Lisa get chop-chop by biker gang. Biker gang make up fo’ dat by providing new chicken coop for white rollers, which we sell for a substantial mark-up resulting in marginally increased profitability at our new ethnic market. Thanks to you, sexy man!”
Sometimes an eidetic memory is an odd thing, Prentice thought. He waited for the jitney to park, then wobbled his bike into the parking lot of the Dunkin Donuts. Because you can never have too many stereotypes.
Opening: Dave F......Continuation: Dixon/anon.
"You're the Poe-Lease Man who came around when the gang bangers shot my poor Billy. They done set me and my chillun up in the group home over here. We're doing better now, thanks to you," the woman said in her own slightly fragmented English that Prentice remembered. Details like that never left his head, gift of an eidetic memory.
"Yes Ma'am, I'm glad to hear you're doing better."
The bike path paralleled the automobile traffic for several miles next to the park and created a sweaty paradise for Prentice until the jitney appeared.
The jitney was packed by a driver and a butcher’s gang of teenagers; three vampire-wanna-be girls in dark makeup and bikinis, a fat sweaty swearing boy . . . A screaming unisex mob stood on toes, slapped rear ends and threw dry sand across the jitney’s interior. A phalanx of ghosts—a pair of Chinese coolies with conical hats, who were much older than the teenagers, but not that much older—floated alongside the jitney, like diaphanous people with halos.
Prentice recalled one of the coolies saying; “Ah-so, you da porrice-a-maan who herp when my fair-haired lovely little numba’ one daughter Lisa get chop-chop by biker gang. Biker gang make up fo’ dat by providing new chicken coop for white rollers, which we sell for a substantial mark-up resulting in marginally increased profitability at our new ethnic market. Thanks to you, sexy man!”
Sometimes an eidetic memory is an odd thing, Prentice thought. He waited for the jitney to park, then wobbled his bike into the parking lot of the Dunkin Donuts. Because you can never have too many stereotypes.
Opening: Dave F......Continuation: Dixon/anon.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Face-Lift 926
Guess the Plot
Swindle Witch
1. Potions don't come cheap. Meg has stayed young and beautiful for centuries by cheating mortals out of their hard earned cash. But when her used car business goes under, Meg is forced to take swindling to an even higher level: Infomercials.
2. In the sleepy English town of Swindle Witch, Postmistress Wendelin May sells eye of newt along with stamps and sweets. But when Sir Edward Fezziwig chokes to death on a newt eyeball, Wendelin must turn amateur sleuth to clear her name.
3. Octavia Bly, the last witch in Massachusetts, used to intoxicate people with love potions, poison their soup, fly around at night . . . old-fashioned stuff like that. She loves the 21st century. She's in overpriced real estate, tech companies that make only virtual products, and Internet dating sites. Which brings her to the attention of the Chinese Dragon Society -- a group of witches who want her dead.
4. When a creature kidnaps her parents and sister, Patricia's magic isn't strong enough to get them back. So she accepts an offer of help from a witch named Lillian. But this witch is also a liar and a murderer and a thief, so Patricia isn't sure she can trust her.
5. Investigative journalist Martha Jameson poses as a witch to infiltrate the local Wiccan group, whom she believes are manufacturing amphetamines. Imagine her surprise when they actually turn out to be vampires!
6. The village of Swindle, Massachusetts is known for never letting a wayfarer escape with his shillings. But when the problem comes to the attention of the Bay Colony authorities, the villagers all blame Strange Maggie. Can amateur sleuth Patience Goodbody keep them from stringing Maggie up?
Original Version
Dear Evil Editor,
At age thirteen, Patricia’s not stupid. She’s known not to follow strangers for years, [Following strangers isn't nearly as dangerous as being followed by strangers. If a 13-year-old followed me around, the only danger would be dying of boredom.] especially ones who admit they’re dangerous. But when an empty-eyed creature steals Patricia’s parents and younger sister on the morning of her birthday, it’s Lillian—a liar, a murderer, a witch and a thief [Aren't those the members of that singing group--The Village of the Damned People.] —who helps her escape. [Why did that sentence begin with "But"? It doesn't seem to have anything to do with the previous sentence. A logical sentence that does start with "But" might be: But one morning a complete stranger tells Patricia that he's dangerous, and . . . she follows him!] [Also, it sounds like Patricia's parents and sister are the ones Lillian should help escape, as they are the ones who were taken.] Patricia runs, and discovers a newly-awakened green magic that glows in her veins, allowing her to see mythical beasts ordinary people ignore [I'm not sure it counts as ignoring them if we can't see them. And I resent being called "ordinary."] —including beings who want her childhood laughter, her taste for chocolate, or her soul.
Lillian’s one of the most feared people in the Otherworld. She can sway emotions with a thought, and Patricia’s felt first-hand how her skin blistered when Lillian grabbed her wrist. But those scalded fingerprints [If anything was scalded it was Patricia's wrist; I'd call the evidence blisters or burns or scars.] prove Lillian’s strong, and all Patricia knows for sure is that allies willing to fight the creature who captured her family are nearly impossible to find. Patricia’s learning about her own magic, but she doesn’t have time to master her illusory and empathy-based powers—she needs to rescue her parents and sister, [Before the creature eats them? Does she know why the creature wanted them?] and only Lillian has the knowledge, power, and vengeful drive to help Patricia save the people she loves most.
I love the way you encourage new writers to continue writing—and keep that ever-essential sense of humor. [Buttering up the recipient of your query letter doesn't help your cause. Unless you're a famous movie star.] Please consider Swindle Witch, an 86,000-word YA contemporary fantasy set in Auburn, Washington. [I got the impression this was set mainly in the Otherworld.]
I have a Master’s degree in English from the University of Utah, and I’m the recipient of several writing awards, including a 1999 Scholastic Art and Writing Gold Award in the fantasy category.
Thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
Notes
This is all set-up. You've used your entire query to say: When her parents and sister are kidnapped by an empty-eyed creature, 13-year-old Patricia knows her empathy-based magic isn't developed enough to rescue them, so she accepts an offer of help from Lillian, a powerful--but untrustworthy--witch.
Your plot is what happens next. What's their plan? What's stopping them from carrying it out? What are Lillian's ulterior motives? Is the main plot the rescue or a confrontation between Lillian and Patricia?
I'm told kids like to read about kids who are a little older than they are. So if your main character is 13, your readers might be in the 10 to 12 range, which is not YA. I would call a book in which a 13-year-old must contend with a "creature" and a witch middle grade.
Friday, July 08, 2011
New Beginning 867
Once upon a time bodies lay thick on the ground. Most were dead but there were a few who were soon to be made so. Postules filled with blood and pus, then burst. The mixture burned the skin of the living and dead alike.
I am Death. I have sinned. This is my confession.
"Death, you say?" I tugged on my collar and swallowed. "Well, let's see . . . This is most unusual, and I'm a bit new at this, but . . . you're going to need to say twelve million Hail Marys and thirty-five thousand Our Fathers. Yes, I think that should be about right.
Opening: D Jason Cooper.....Continuation: Eric
I am Death. I have sinned. This is my confession.
"Death, you say?" I tugged on my collar and swallowed. "Well, let's see . . . This is most unusual, and I'm a bit new at this, but . . . you're going to need to say twelve million Hail Marys and thirty-five thousand Our Fathers. Yes, I think that should be about right.
Opening: D Jason Cooper.....Continuation: Eric
Thursday, July 07, 2011
Face-Lift 925
Guess the Plot
Marielle's Wish
1. That John would stop screwing his secretary and pay more attention to her. That her mother in law would drop dead. That she was born rich instead of beautiful. That she hadn't just wrecked the car in the middle of some kind of horrible haunted forest in the middle of the night. That her cell phone was working. That she could actually walk in these shoes.
2. Marielle's grandfather bequeaths to her his genie in a bottle, along with the usual three wishes. When she sees the handsome, hunky genie, she knows what her first wish will be. Can she resist wishing for the same thing two more times?
3. Jake Barker races against time to find the secret lair of master criminal Marielle, before the eccentric ex-chemist can celebrate her fiftieth birthday by wishing the world's oceans into sulphuric acid.
4. On her 26th birthday, Marielle looks upon her lonely best friend, Kattrin, and makes a wish that Kattrin will find someone who makes her happy. The next day, Marielle's fiance leaves her for Kattrin. Can Marielle delay Kattrin's wedding for a year so she can undo the wish on her 27th birthday?
5. Marielle discovers that the old incense burner she bought at a yard sale is actually a magic lamp. The genie promises her three wishes, but Marielle only needs one. She asks for the man of her dreams--and ends up with Mr. Barkley, her third grade teacher. Well, she did just dream of him last night.
6. In the utopian future, there is no hunger, no war, no pedophiles, and no boy bands. Just pure, unadulterated boredom. When Marielle finds a wish, she decides to wish for some strife just to liven things up. Alas, The Church, to whom they've all been paying 'Happy Money,' doesn't like the idea...
Original Version
Dear Agent:
Jinnī or Genie have always inspired our imaginations. From Alladin [That's spelled Aladdin] to I Love Jeanie [The show was called I Dream of Jeannie. You have it confused with I Love Lucy.] children and adults find the idea of ‘making a wish’ [Do we need those quotation marks?] terribly appealing. The heroin of MARIELLE'S WISH [Heroin is a drug. You're thinking of "heroine." We're off to a rousing start. Theoretically, you're sending Evil Editor the query you were planning to send to an agent. Let's hope you didn't get tired of waiting and send it already. The agent is going to think the book is as carelessly written as the query letter. That's what I'm thinking. Are we right?] is the exception to this rule. She’s tired of hearing about Jinnī. Here is why:
When Marielle Iris was five, she thought her grandfather was the most awesome storyteller ever. At seventeen, she thinks he’s full of bull. But what does he expect? What with the loss of her parents and the awful way in which she lost her innocence (her ex slipped her a roofie at a party), life hasn’t been exactly kind to her. If she doesn’t believe that her inheritance is a Jinn in a bottle, can Grandpa really blame her? She’s a skeptic and her trust in all matters is, at best, scant. [That sentence says the same thing twice. As most people would scoff at the idea of an actual Jinn in a bottle, you don't need either half of the sentence. And the sentence about the parents and the roofie has nothing to do with the rest of the paragraph. These are the main ideas you need: When Marielle Iris was five, she thought her grandfather was the most awesome storyteller ever. At seventeen, she thinks he’s full of bull. But then, could anyone blame her for not believing Grandpa when he said he was bequeathing to her an actual Jinn in a bottle?]
Besides it’s morbid! What sensible girl wants to think that her grandfather has to die in other [order] to get three wishes? [That reads like the grandfather gets three wishes when he dies. You want something like: She doesn't want three wishes if it means her grandfather must die.] It’s not worth it, not when grandpa’s all she’s got. [It's worth it if she's willing to squander the first wish on bringing Grandpa back to life.] But whether she wants to think about her unusual inheritance or not, life forces her.
Grandpa dies unexpectedly. With him gone, [and] she gets her three wishes. Oh, and, by the way, a handsome jinn with a curse that only true love can break. [Instead of "Oh, and, by the way," just say "--also" or "--along with." If nothing else it eliminates comma overload.] [Also, why not be specific about the curse . . . a handsome jinn cursed to wear satin pants until he finds true love.] This should take care of Little Miss Jaded.
MARIELLE'S WISH is my third novel, and I hope it’s ‘a charm.’ [Agents don't care how many novels you've written unless they've sold.] It should appeal to a young adult audience and it is complete at 78,000 words.
This novel has been plotted with passion and [unlike this query letter,] edited with care. Still, I hope to find an agent who can help me improve it further. [After an agent takes you on, she may well offer suggestions. Getting her to take you on by sending her a book that needs improvement is the tricky part.] I hope you might consider me for your list. Thank you for your time.
Notes
Instead of fixing the mistakes in paragraph 1, just dump it. Get to your book.
The whole query is set-up. Once you set up the premise, we want to know what happens. The setup is this: Marielle's grandfather often told her she would inherit his jinn in a bottle, along with the standard three wishes, but she always thought that was just one of his stories. Now Grandpa is dead, Marielle is alone, and there's a handsome jinn standing before her, asking for her first wish.
Once we have that, we want to know whether the remainder of the book is devoted to what Marielle wishes for, with no conflict, or whether the wishes all backfire, whether she tells anyone about her wishes, whether someone tries to influence her wishes. I assume she and the Jinn fall in love; what obstacles must they overcome? Is there a downside to their true love? Does the Jinn keep granting wishes after he finds true love?
With a one-paragraph set-up, there's plenty of room to make us care what happens. We aren't gonna read the book just to find out what Marielle wishes for.
When you're telling us what happens, include whatever makes this more appropriate for the young adult crowd than middle grade kids.
Wednesday, July 06, 2011
Face-Lift 924
Guess the Plot
Legacy
1. Patricia Spintz lost a limb in a sailing accident, her leg to be exact. When she died her prosthetic, a solid gold and ruby studded affair, was left in a will to her daughter. But the false leg went missing. Will Lucy be able to track down her mother’s...Leg-acy?
2. When rich old Uncle Joe died, all Nancy got was Tupperware. It's ugly, messed up with scribbled letters that don't even spell anything and is so NOT her style! She just wants to recycle it -- until a treasure map comes in the mail and she realizes she'll only find that spot marked X if she cracks the code of the Tupperware.
3. Twelve cousins head to a deserted island to compete in a reality-TV style competition to determine which of them will inherit their grandfather's entire billion-dollar fortune. Also, a haunted grotto.
4. Danielle was expecting to inherit magical powers on her 18th birthday. She didn't, so it's on to Plan B: enrolling in college. Then her brother gets stabbed, her magic finally kicks in, and she gets trapped in a labyrinth full of sorcerers and mythical creatures. Can she escape in time to make it to the prom?
5. Harry and his wife Ilene have built their Caribbean cocoa plantation up from nothing. Now they practically own the island. But twin daughters Beatrice and Barbara are tired of waiting for their inheritance. Little do they know Harry and Ilene have secret insurance policies on them. Who will die first in this balmy epic of mayhem and palm leaves?
6. On her 16th birthday, Ka-ra'ne learns that she is fated to bear the magical Ruby Phoenix to the oracle for the Telling that occurs every hundred years. What no one mentions is that the Phoenix is actually her heart, and the oracle will tear it out to "read" it.
Original Version
Dear Evil Editor,
Danielle Angeletti isn’t a straight A student. She doesn’t play an instrument or paint or sing or play chess. [Fortunately, my book isn't about this boring loser.] But if there’s one thing she knows she’ll be good at, it’s magic. [With magic she can get straight A's and instantly become the world's greatest musician, singer, artist and chess master.] So when her 18th birthday comes and goes, and her magic remains dormant, she’s crushed. Still, Danielle stubbornly buries her disappointment, replaces [replacing] healing runes with prom dresses, levitation spells with college applications.
After a sorcerer ambushes her and her brother Jamie, [High school's bad enough when you only have to worry about bullies ambushing you.] Danielle is torn between elation and a panic attack when her magic finally awakens and saves her life. But she’s ready to [would] give it all up again if it meant the knife buried in her brother’s gut would disappear too. Removing the blade does nothing but aggravate Jamie’s condition, [When his remaining blood comes gushing out of the now-gaping wound.] and a misguided attempt at a healing rune triggers a curse that turns his own magic against him.
With her hold on her new powers strenuous [tenuous] at best, Danielle must ask Chris, Jamie’s best friend and her best enemy, [Is "best enemy" a synonym or an antonym for "worst enemy"?] for help in destroying the curse. [Wouldn't it be better to stitch up Jamie's gut and get him a blood transfusion and then worry about the curse?] After they get trapped in a deadly labyrinth that’d put the Minotaur’s to shame, Danielle, Chris and a dying Jamie must battle mythical creatures, [Minotaurs?] sorcerers, unwanted attraction and the biggest enemy of all: time. [Apparently having magic doesn't allow you to go through or over the walls of a labyrinth or to heal a wound or to destroy a curse. What does it allow you to do?]
LEGACY is a 70,000 word YA contemporary fantasy. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Notes
Given the choice, I think I'd rather fight it out with a guy whose head had been replaced with the head of a bull than with the original guy. If the minotaur leaned forward to try to gore me with his horns, the sheer weight of his bull head would cause him to collapse forward, and the strain on his neck of trying to stand back up would be unbearable. The key to fighting a minotaur is to remain calm and not get freaked out by the fact that his head is the size of a compact car. Just tell yourself it would be even freakier if he were a bull with a man's head, and wait for him to tip over.
If you want to Guess the Plot right, start by looking for a plot that seems to have nothing to do with the title.
When Danielle gets her magic, does that make her a sorcerer, or are sorcerers different from people with magic?
When you say contemporary YA fantasy I expect high school but with something different, like magic. When you toss in Centaurs and Krakens and Cyclopses, I start to wonder if there's an explanation for everything, or if this is contemporary times on some other planet.
If we knew why the sorcerer ambushed them, what he wants from them, what he gains by trapping them in a deadly labyrinth with mythological creatures (assuming he's responsible for that), the query would be more cohesive. Right now it sounds like someone is out to get these kids for no reason, and would rather get rid of them by creating an elaborate labyrinth and stocking it with fantastical monsters than just blow them up.
Tuesday, July 05, 2011
Face-Lift 923
Guess
the
Plot
Kaleidoscope
1. Bob's trip to the toy store to get little Timmy something for Christmas turns into an epic battle of good vs evil when the evil elf running the cash register slips him the magic kaleidoscope he stole from Wizard Ferkle, who is desperate to retrieve it before the Dark Threesome can get their grubby hands on it.
2. Follow the adventures of Kally as she changes grass to red, the sky to green and all people to the same color – purple.
3. Lucy can mesmerize with her kaleidoscope eyes. They spin around and flash all sorts of colors until her victim is under her control. Can Eric gather enough diamonds to fulfill the prophesy to banish her into the sky before she takes over?
4. Alia's life is good, but maybe she's just looking at the world through kaleidoscopic glasses. Her stepfather makes a deal with the devil: In return for movie stardom, he sticks Alia with a constant companion--the soul of a beggar boy named Raju. Which would be unbearable enough even if Raju didn't keep committing murder just to get her attention.
5. A short story collection with a cast of weirdos you'd run away from if you saw them coming down the street, especially if you were looking at them through a kaleidoscope. Funny, touching, and above all literary.
6. Betty and her brother Clyde discover a kaleidoscope in an old trunk at their grandfather’s house. Clyde looks through the eyepiece and sees their grandma who went missing twenty-five years ago. But when Betty takes her turn, the fireworks really begin.
Original Version
Alia is seventeen and just went from boarding school orphan to unlucky contestant no 1 in a house of terror. [She's not really a contestant, you're speaking metaphorically. To be consistent, she should be a resident in a house of terror or a contestant on House of Terror (which readers will assume to be a metaphorical game show or maybe a reality show).] Her stepfather Khanna may appear to be an invincible Bollywood superstar but the thing about messing with the dark side is it messes right back with you. Which may explain why mother is in a perpetual fugue and why Alia is in the grip of a haunting so bizarre, she hardly knows what to believe any more. [It's too vague to explain any of that. And "that" is pretty vague itself.] [According to sentence 2, if Khanna messed with the dark side, the dark side should be messing with Khanna, not Alia and her mother.]
What she would like very much to believe is that she has a shot at a normal life. Particularly when she’s playing anonymous new girl at Mumbai’s most elite institution St Xavier’s. Soon, part-time model and full-time decent guy Sid arrives to join her literature class and Alia can ask for no more.
But karma can be so unreasonable. Missing objects, Post-its in childlike handwriting, jealous apparitions and repressed memories pull Alia back from college to what she’s doing her best to ignore. Khanna may have been unclear about payback when he asked a streetside tantric, a ‘magic man’, to give him super-stardom. [Maybe it was the tantric who was unclear. That's usually the way these deals work. The tantric says "But wait, there's more: Your stepdaughter shall find a lifetime of companionship," not specifying that it's with a murderous stalker.] As a result, a little shaitan, the soul of beggar boy Raju, walks among them and will stop at nothing to get Alia’s attention – not even murder. [I think "including murder" would be clearer.]
With Raju in charge now Alia must assume responsibility for her stepfather’s actions fully aware that the consequences will be unpitying. [How did Raju get to be in charge, why does that make Alia responsible for Khanna's actions, and what actions and consequences are we talking about?]
At 90,000 words, Kaleidoscope is fast-paced and funny, a novel of supernatural suspense and growing-up. It is a dark [and yet funny?] look at how sometimes, what can’t be beaten must be joined.
Notes
I think a reorganization of the information might help. Something like:
Seventeen-year-old Alia would like to believe she has a shot at a normal life. She’s through with boarding school and is playing anonymous new girl at Mumbai’s most elite institution, St Xavier’s. And when part-time model and full-time decent guy Sid joins her literature class, Alia can ask for no more. [Is it okay to say Alia thinks she's found Nirvana? I don't want to suggest something that will cause Hindu fundamentalists to slap a death sentence on you.]
But karma can be so unreasonable. Alia's stepfather has made a deal with a tantric--a "magic man." In return for Bollywood superstardom, he has inadvertently placed Alia in the grip of a bizarre haunting. Seems a little shaitan--the soul of beggar boy Raju--is obsessed with Alia, and will stop at nothing to get her attention. Including murder.
Now dump that last plot paragraph and tell us what's at stake and what Alia plans to do about her situation.
Monday, July 04, 2011
Friday, July 01, 2011
Face-Lift 922
Guess the Plot
The One at the Helm
1. The one at the helm could be the self. Or it could be madness (think Mr. Hyde). Or it could be God. You, the reader, decide in this story of a woman struggling with the darkness within, who visits a psychiatrist who goads her into physical combat during the session. Also, a terrifying angel.
2. The ship is full of wheel-shaped handles: steam valves, fuel cutoffs, the ones that shut the watertight doors. So as the ship plows towards the rocks and the injured captain yells, "Turn the wheel hard to starboard!," Festus has to think for a minute.
3. It's 1793, and Captain Andrew MacDougall of HMS Relentless navigates dangerous seas as his crew dies off man by man of a mysterious illness. Then they all rise as mer-zombies and force his ship to sail to various hellholes that zombies like.
4. In a world ruled by superstition and euphemisms, seaman Treller panics on his first voyage and calls the one at the helm 'Captain.' Penalty: the plank. Picked up by a ship full of people for whom a spade is a spade, can he stop talking around the subject before they toss him back into the sea?
5. The Helm is a biker bar on the outskirts of town. Jo is a waitress there. When blue-eyed Fritz starts hanging out, Jo is smitten. She never thought she'd fall for a white supremacist, but those eyes! Could Fritz be The One?
6. Leona will need that sharp eye and rough tongue of hers to pilot her hotel franchise business through the floating minefield of corporate takeovers and executive machinations. But if stepping all over the little guy brings success, the world will be singing the praises of Leona’s hotel empire long after she's gone.
Original Version
Dear Agent:
I read on your website that you are looking for strong writing and voice in the area of literary fiction and I think you will enjoy my interpretation of magical realism.
In a story that could be described as Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde meets The Alchemist, a young woman finds herself grappling with an unruly mind. Dissociating from the darker parts of self has strengthened them against her so that we open on an island with a madman in control. He is an external counterpart of the developments within. [Within what?] [It's not clear what you're talking about. What is the madman controlling? The island? Is there a real island?] When she tries to destroy him, she ends up on a locked ward with a savior of her own design, an angel (yes, an angel—a terrifying one) who is also deviant for he comes from the same deranged mind. [As the madman? As the girl?] Whatever you focus on becomes your fate, he warns, [So she immediately focuses on being a billionaire with a freezer full of Ben & Jerry's and no annoying angels hanging around.] knowing himself the embodiment [I don't know what "knowing himself the embodiment" means.] and fearing his darkening moods. But her obsessions are drawing her deeper within. [Within what?] [What are her obsessions?]
Enter Sage, the voice of wisdom who surfaces in the form of an unorthodox therapist. [In the form of? So Sage is some magical being who she thinks is a therapist?] Goading Aurora [Finally we find out the main character's name.] by poisoning a child in her office [If this doesn't send up a red flag, nothing will. Did she research the therapist's credentials?] and resurrecting a rapist from her past, the doctor draws her into physical combat with the parts she has repressed. [Physical combat, like with weapons? Fists? In the therapist's office? You decide to see a therapist, and s/he goads you into physical combat? At your first session? Is it the same session she poisoned the child at? And you're still there?] But violence begets violence and instead of defeating anything Aurora finds herself in yet another hold, another pattern, [another holding pattern,] another Catch-22. Before Sage can guide her into awareness and lead her on the path to mastering her mind, modern medicine intervenes with its bandages and drugs. Aurora resists its diagnosis and cure. Caught up in her own experiment and quest for meaning, she finds she needs the darkness. But is it as valid as light? And with the angel’s devotions becoming punishing, [I don't know what that means. You're probably starting to think I'm a moron.] is it worth her life?
A novel of antitheses, THE ONE AT THE HELM explores what it is to be human from the inside out. At 65,000 words, it is a psychological journey into madness and health, control and relinquishment; a novel that asks what brings the darkness? And must we know it to know light?
[insert bio here]
Per your guidelines the first five pages follow. I am happy to send the complete novel at your request. In the meantime, I appreciate your attention.
Sincerely,
PS In case it isn't clear where I get my title, The One at the Helm could be god, the self, one of the personae that take control when we lose it (i.e., madness), all those things that we default to when we choose to give our power away. Oh yeah, and there is that ship into which the dominant persona shoves the repressed parts in the opening.
Notes
This is a bit better than the original version, which the author replaced at the last minute, having anticipated my complaint that there was no plot. Unfortunately, there's still no plot. I can't tell if there's an island or a locked ward or an angel or a madman, or a psychiatrist's office, or actual physical combat . . . or if it's all in Aurora's mind.
Start over. Does Aurora believe she's losing her mind? Why, what events/symptoms gave her a clue? Does the therapist she goes to have a name, or just go by Sage? Is most of the book set in the therapist's office? Where else is it set?
Try telling us what happens without mentioning one single thing that isn't real. Tell it as if the reader is nine years old. I'm confident that if you do those two things, you'll have a much better query, and then we can let Phoenix refine it into a winner.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
New Beginning 866
McCord giggled from the cockpit of the "skyboat." His bony hands were a flurry of shifting levers and twisting dials. The engines groaned almost sarcastically at their pilot's pointless antics; nothing would knock this craft off its course short of divine intervention, and that was amusingly unlikely given the circumstances.
The craft shuddered as it breached the cloud ring that surrounded the Rise. McCord paused to squeal giddily at the turbulence before returning to his controls with even greater enthusiasm.
The awful silhouette of the Rise loomed through the clouds: a jagged, unmoving snake of black crystal, half a mile in diameter, erupted from the ocean’s surface and terminated in a perfect hemisphere. The image was lost on its sole observer, whose vacant expression suggested an incapacity for dread. In fairness, if McCord’s shattered mind had been whole and capable of comprehending what he saw, it probably would have shattered anyway.
“Bumpy bump bump!” said McCord.
The crystal formation now hardened into a rigid cylindrical structure aimed directly at McCord's skyboat. From an opening in the perfect hemisphere erupted a mucilaginous fluid that engulfed the craft, blinding McCord and clogging the air intake valves. The engine sputtered and died.
If McCord's shattered mind had not been mercifully incapable of appreciating that he was plummeting to his doom, it might have thought, Ah, so that's why they call this "Poseidon's Penis."
"Bumpy bu--"
Opening: Evil Jr......Continuation: Evil Editor
The craft shuddered as it breached the cloud ring that surrounded the Rise. McCord paused to squeal giddily at the turbulence before returning to his controls with even greater enthusiasm.
The awful silhouette of the Rise loomed through the clouds: a jagged, unmoving snake of black crystal, half a mile in diameter, erupted from the ocean’s surface and terminated in a perfect hemisphere. The image was lost on its sole observer, whose vacant expression suggested an incapacity for dread. In fairness, if McCord’s shattered mind had been whole and capable of comprehending what he saw, it probably would have shattered anyway.
“Bumpy bump bump!” said McCord.
The crystal formation now hardened into a rigid cylindrical structure aimed directly at McCord's skyboat. From an opening in the perfect hemisphere erupted a mucilaginous fluid that engulfed the craft, blinding McCord and clogging the air intake valves. The engine sputtered and died.
If McCord's shattered mind had not been mercifully incapable of appreciating that he was plummeting to his doom, it might have thought, Ah, so that's why they call this "Poseidon's Penis."
"Bumpy bu--"
Opening: Evil Jr......Continuation: Evil Editor
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