Face-Lift 755

Guess the Plot

The Burning Times

1. Prince Simmon had a comfortable life until his 13th birthday when King Varin's manservant took him to the feral district to become a man. Since that night, Simmon has suffered sporadic inflammation and irritation. Can the kingdom's alchemists find a cure, or must Simmon forever endure . . . The Burning Times?

2. Eli’s sinister laugh could hardly be heard over the crackling flames that licked the piles of LA Times newspapers. It was a promise of what was to come if reporter Veronica Alexander didn’t give Eli's new nightclub a rave review. A thriller too hot to ignore!

3. Pinch needs to do something drastic to 'save' his failing family business. He fires most of his employees, then takes out a big fire insurance policy on the building. Hilarity ensues when the pyromaniac he hires turns out to be the reincarnation of his grandfather.

4. Chester Arbuckle likes it hot: jalapenos, piquins, Scotch Bonnets, the stronger the better. When a plant geneticist sends him some genetically altered habaneros that clock in at 18 million Scovils, Chet's over the moon. But what goes in must come out; can Chet survive . . . The Burning Times?

5. Mort Rimby, ace reporter, agrees to run a newspaper for Satan. But all Hell breaks loose when Mort discovers that Satan's wife Marge is the real power behind the pitchfork -- and Marge has the hots for Mort.

6. It's Romeo and Juliet but with bigger stakes, and in outer space. Two young lovers burn to be together (which isn't easy in space where there's no oxygen) but their parents are enemies. At stake: humanity itself.


Original Version

Dear Mr. EvilEditor

The following is a query for my 102,368 word novel entitled: The Burning Times.

It's our world, with one difference: it doesn't exist.

In a time when humanity has taken to space to survive, two factions form creating a new governmental system that is about to bring humanity to a final halt. Jerik, a man with an outlawed mystic ability called Dream Dancing, holds the fate of Lord Cyrus in his hands as he murders Lord Paxton. [Not clear whether it's Jerik or Cyrus who murders Lord Paxton.] [Also, there's no connection between those two sentences. I was expecting you to explain why humanity was about to end.] This causes a chain of events that will force man to find out the truth about the planet below. [Is the planet below the same one humanity left when they took to space to survive? If so, why don't they already know the truth about it?] [More importantly, why don't you tell us the truth about it instead of just vaguely stating that there is a truth?]

While the leaders of the East and West Faction [Factions] scheme, [Do east and west exist in space?] their children, Stavon [Montague] and Sheria [Capulet] fall in love. They hope to marry and put the tensions of the past behind them. Jerik has other plans for his pawns. [This makes it sound like Stavon and Sheria are his pawns; are they? In what way?] By causing the death of her mother with his powers, the Dream Dancer is able to get Sheria’s father, Lord Paxton, put to death for the murder. [Lord Paxton was already murdered, in the previous paragraph. Once again Evil Editor discovers a major flaw in the plot, saving another writer from abject humiliation.] Sheria is then banished to the ground below, this is thought to be a fate worse than death. [Or so Sheria claims. "Drown me! Roast me! Hang me! Do whatever you please," said Brer Rabbit. "Only please, Brer Fox, please don't banish me to the ground below.] [Your last sentence was two sentences.] While Stavon secretly enacts a plan to save his lovers [lover's] life, he finds out more about his father, Lord Cyrus, than he ever thought possible. [If you're going to bring this up at all, tell us the most important thing he finds out, not just that he finds out stuff.]

A combination of slavery, political intrigue and murder are woven together in this romantic story about a couple who just want to be together. After all, as Lord Paxton stated in his journals, Science is a tool, use [used] by the faithful in order to fulfill a goal for the people… [I see now why Lord Paxton was murdered twice. He was such a boring guy that even when he was dead no one could tell the difference.] [I don't know what that journal statement has to do with anything, or even what it means. Dump it.]

I have never been published and this is the first query I have sent out. Thank you for your time.

Notes

It's our world, with one difference: it doesn't exist. I assumed that when I finished I would have some idea what that means. I don't.

Where does this take place? On a spaceship? On the moon?

There's all this early talk about the end of humanity, but no indication of what's going to cause it.

It's boring because it's vague and unclear. Start over. Focus on the kids. Don't talk about factions and government; no one cares about that crap. I don't much care about the Lords, either. The lovers and Jerik are your story. Does Jerik want to end humanity? Does getting Sheria sent to the planet below further that cause? What's Stavon's plan to save Sheria, and will it also save humanity? Be specific.

Cartoon 620

Caption: anon.

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Face-Lift 754

Guess the Plot

Eden's Rat

1. When the serpent decides that what he really wants to do is direct, he entrusts a lowly rodent with the role of tempting Eve.

2. Ricky has had it. The snake gets all the press, but who do you think did all the work?

3. What, you thought we didn't show up until the plague? Wrong, my friend--we've been around since Eden. A chronicle of our fecal deposits to prove it.

4. At last, the inside story of the Fall of Man, by the guy who bet the serpent five bucks he couldn't pull it off.

5. Rat is working as a guide in the best city in the world, but he has problems. For starters, there's his name. Rat. It's hard to get work as a city guide when your name is Rat. People are afraid you'll guide them to back alleys and dump sites. Also, homicidal magicians.

6. After Adam and Eve screw up, God replaces them with a more self-reliant pair. As Eden is overrun by rodent-spawn, God realizes He's just been conned . . . by Satan.

7. Eden will fail biology if she doesn't come up with a killer science fair project. Her pet rat suggests himself: a talking rat. But now that she's heard him talk, can she resist the temptation to sell him to the circus?


Original Version

Esteemed Evil Editor,

I submit for your ridicule the following query:

EDEN'S RAT

His homeland invaded and enslaved by Antang fanatics, Maac-Kail isn't too picky where he looks for allies. [It would be more entertaining if his homeland were invaded and enslaved by Tang fanatics. I'm not sure why Tang fanatics would need slaves unless it's to stir their Tang, but any book that posits Tang fanatics is a work of comedic genius.] His best hope is the magicians of Selzburg, [That sounds too much like the musicians of Salzburg, the most famous of whom was Mozart (whose fan club was known as the Wolfgang Fanatics).] the strongest remaining free city. His problem? They murdered his brother. His other problem? He is a back-country hick of a hedge-magician who can't walk the streets of Selzburg without his mouth hanging open as he peers up at the tops of the buildings. [His other other problem? The ability to make a hedge disappear isn't all that useful.] He hires a street boy named Rat to guide him around the city and keep him out of trouble as he tries to figure out how to approach the magicians. [If my task is to figure out how to approach someone, I'm gonna sit on a park bench and think about it for ten minutes, not hire a city guide.]

Robielle, Antang prince and ambassador, is looking for a useful bride. Princess Margaret of Selzburg is the willing target. If he can slip her out of the city and marry her, the people of Selzburg will break into factions and the city be more easily conquered. His scheme rests on Margaret being a bit dim. Everything goes as planned at first, but the magicians are on his trail, and Margaret may be learning she doesn't need a handsome prince after all. [We're still in Selzburg, but suddenly we have a different cast of characters. I expected this paragraph to be about Maac-Kail and Rat approaching the magicians. It's usually best to focus on the main character.]

Rat, an orphan teen growing up on the streets of Selzburg doesn't have much but problems. [We already know he's a street boy. And "doesn't have much but problems" is awkward and vague. Move on.] He finds a handkerchief, clue to the location of the eloped princess. Now the magicians are after him and Maac-Kail is his only hope to escape them alive. [They're going to kill him just because he found her handkerchief? How do they even know he found her handkerchief? Are they using magic to monitor what this orphan teen does when they could be using it to locate the princess?] Can Rat trust a foreign magician any more than the local ones, or is Maac-Kail using him to further his own schemes?

EDEN'S RAT is a YA fantasy of 83,000 words.

Thanks so much for your time and attention.

Sincerely,


Notes

What kind of powers does a magician have in this world? They're after Robielle and then they're after Rat. Can't they use magic to immediately find them, instead of having to trail them?

The query sounds like three short stories all set in the same world. Tie it all together. I assumed the plot was Maac-Kail consulting the magicians about saving his homeland from the invaders. If he never gets around to saving his homeland, you don't need the first paragraph; just say something like: Driven from his homeland by Antang invaders, Maac-Kail flees to Selzburg . . . If he does get back home, you don't need much of the second and third paragraphs; just say Maac-Kail recruits the Selzburg magicians and get to the part where they drive out the invading Antang fanatics. Focus on the main character(s)/main plot line.

Maybe you should call the invaders extremists instead of fanatics. Antang fanatics sounds like fans of a rock group.

Cartoon 619

Caption: Anon.

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New Beginning 744

The bank robber was wearing a heavy-duty bulletproof vest,but that didn't do him any good against the lightning bolts.

When the thief came running out of the bank's front doors, Cobalt hit him with electrical blasts from both hands, sending him reeling to the ground. The man was wearing his body armor over black coveralls, with a full-face motorcycle helmet on his head and a submachine gun slung across his chest. He'd been intent on the four racing motorcycles lined up at the curb and hadn't seen Cobalt hovering twenty feet in the air, concealed from view by the building's overhanging facade.

If you wanted to be a successful crook in a place with as many hyper-heroes as Biggs City, you had to look up once in a while.

It was a lesson Cobalt himself obviously hadn't learned, for moments later he lay gasping on the sidewalk, struggling to free himself from the immense fetid mound smothering him. Far above, the sound of enormous flapping wings and baleful cooing died away as the genetically-enhanced arch-villain HindenPigeon flew off to begin his conquest of Biggs City by means of a shock-and-awe bombardment of nano-guano.


Opening: Sean McCluskey.....Continuation: Paul Penna

Cartoon 618

Caption: Anon.

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Saturday Film Series

Face-Lift 753

Guess the Plot

Soldier, Sage and Vagabond

1. Partners Izzy Schlepworth, Herman Schwein, and Fred Bronowsky tire of their law firm's name, so they change it--and start attracting some unusual clients, like the small, chubby man with goat's feet who owns a mysterious import business and pays them in ancient Roman coinage.

2. The nation of Mosar is on the verge of falling to the powerful Kjallan empire. Praying to their gods, Soldier, Sage, and Vagabond, hasn't helped. But Janto has a plan involving a homicidal ferret that just might save his country.

3. Blackmailed into dealing sage, the hottest hallucinogen on the market, Lenna looks for a way to escape her dangerous life. But will handsome Lieutenant Madison marry a vagabond?

4. When a nomad accidentally breaks a fortuneteller’s crystal ball, she casts a spell on him that makes him an infantryman by day and a savory herb by night. He races to find the cure while a few friendly locals help him avoid being killed in battle or stuffed into a turkey.

5. 1863. Jesse Samuels deserts from the Union army and makes his way back to Quincy, posing as a vagrant. Will the lovely Miss Ada Parker help him--or turn him in for a reward?

6. A single heroic soul is split into three and grows in three separate people, who have talents which if combined may thwart a seemingly unstoppable evil sorcerer. But can a powerful wizard be defeated by the alliance of a mere . . . soldier, sage and vagabond?



Original Version

Janto, Crown Prince of the seafaring nation of Mosar, knows he's a disappointment to his people. Bookish and obsessed with languages, he doesn't fit the profile of a charismatic leader. It doesn't help that every time he sets foot on a ship, he becomes violently ill. Or that his choice of soulsharer--his magical link to the spirit world--is a ferret, which grants him the disreputable shroud-magic of spies.

But Mosar, under attack by the powerful Kjallan Empire, is about to fall, and an unconventional leader may be just what the country needs.

Janto, desperate to prove himself, is trying to rescue a fellow soldier [Why is the crown prince acting as a soldier? Shouldn't he be ordering his generals around or negotiating a complete surrender?] when a Kjallan arrow buries itself in his shoulder. [Try saying "soldier's shoulder" three times fast.] The Kjallans capture him. Unaware he's the prince, they send him as a slave to Kjall. There he must outwit a jealous overseer [Jealous of Janto?] determined to ruin him and a Kjallan spy who knows he's hiding something. [This empire seems to pay inordinate attention to individual slaves.] [Can't he just use his shroud-magic of spies to escape? The whole point of choosing the ferret as his soulsharer was to get the shroud-magic, and fat lot of good it does him. He's a slave.] But not everyone is an enemy. Janto finds aid, friendship, and ultimately love from a Kjallan princess who, he discovers, is as much a slave as he is. [The only difference being that she doesn't have to work in the mines and she doesn't get whipped on a regular basis and she sleeps in the palace and has a dozen handmaidens at her beck and call.] As he learns more about Kjall, he begins to see a way he can save his country. Only with his unconventional strengths--his inside knowledge, his language obsession, and his homicidal ferret soulsharer--can he pull it off.

"Soldier, Sage, and Vagabond" is a fantasy novel with romance elements, complete at 115,000 words. I'm a member of RWA, the Greater Seattle RWA chapter, and the Online Writing Workshop for Science Fiction, Fantasy, and Horror. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Thanks much (I think),


[Note: The Soldier, Sage, and Vagabond are the three moons in this fantasy world, and also the three gods the people worship. The phrase "Soldier, Sage, and Vagabond" is part of a farewell blessing.] [It also describes the crown prince, was the title of last week's episode of Law and Order: Criminal Intent, is the names of three of this world's astrological signs, and was the number one song on Mosar's Hot 100 for eight straight weeks.]


Notes

It's a weird world in which a prince is a soldier, a princess is a slave, and a slave's life is so attractive that the slave driver envies him. This must be the Bizarro World.

Based on your RWA connection, I'm wondering if this is mainly a romance, in which case you might give the romantic angle more of the focus. For instance, you could open by saying: When Janto, the crown prince of Mosar, is captured by the Kjallan empire and installed as a slave in the Kjallan palace, he has no idea he'll fall in love with the Kjallan princess, or that she will fall in love with his ferret.

Cartoon 617

Caption: Stacy

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Face-Lift 752

Guess the Plot

11:11

1. With only 49 minutes to go, Cinderella faces a dilemma: should she risk riding back home in a pumpkin to stick around and find out what really makes Prince Charming the most desirable man in the kingdom? Also, a glass codpiece.

2. The eleventh day of the eleventh month. Then the eleventh minute of the eleventh hour. With each 'War to End All Wars' the tradition became more entrenched. Joss figures the next Big Truce will go down to the 11th second and catapult his mass disarmament munition assistance software into a fat multi-government contract and make him a billionaire. But first he has to start the next war.

3. When Elle wakes up in Adaven, Nevada, she discovers that every clock is stuck on 11:11. She loves having breakfast at the local diner any time she wants, but when she gets a craving for a tuna melt and fries, can she deal with a menu that never switches over to lunch?

4. Four toothpicks lined up on the table next to the body. Were they a clue left by the victim? Or just his way of keeping track of how many martinis he'd drunk? Either way they're a reminder to homicide detective Zack Martinez that if he's not home by eleven, he'd better bring his wife a slice of cheesecake from Mario's.

5. According to superstition, if you make a wish at 11:11, it comes true. Dannie-Lynn tries wishing the handsome quarterback will make a pass at her. He does, but when she gets him he can't complete the long ball. Maybe she'll have a better chance of scoring if she wishes for the tight end.

6. A bomb threat phoned in to the Times stating that the Statue of Liberty will be blown up at 11:11 is assumed to be a hoax, but reporter Ronnie Jason investigates anyway, and finds there's more than a statue at risk. Can she prevent Ellis Island from becoming the next Chernobyl?


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor:

Dannie-Lynn Grady is your typical, plain and ordinary seventeen-year-old girl who fantasizes about what life would be like with the gorgeous, popular guy in school. When she learns about an old superstition of making a wish at 11:11, she takes advantage of the opportunity and wishes to be with guys that she’s convinced life would be perfect with. [When I think of taking advantage of an opportunity, I think once-in-a-lifetime, now-or-never, like when that guy came to my door with a truckload of ham he was willing to unload for only five hundred dollars. Not something you can do twice a day, any day. I'd describe this as giving it a try.] Little does she know that while she’s looking for the perfect guy, he’s waiting for her to stop looking.

Often humorous with a dose of drama, 11:11 is a 70,000 word young adult novel that [Whoa. The plot's over? Girl wants guy? That's the plot of every YA book. Who's this guy who's waiting for her? A shy guy she's never met who adores her from afar? Her best friend since she was five who she never thought about in "that way"? A serial killer who just needs a good woman to set him on the path to righteousness?] appeals to us girls who sat on the bleachers and imagined we were the cheerleader that the quarterback was talking to. [That cheerleader is a botox-addicted, thrice-divorced alcoholic who cries herself to sleep every night.] [On the other hand, she's still hot hot hot.]

I am a freelance writer and have written and produced young adult inspirational plays for various churches and schools. [There's nothing young adults like better than attending inspirational plays.] I also have a short story that won the 2001 Brampton Library Short Story Award, which led to library publication and has been used in the writing curriculum at Central Peel Secondary School. [Impressive, but I'd rather know what happens in your book.]

Please feel free to reach me through my email, phone, home address, or my website which are all listed below. I thank you for your consideration.

Regards,


Notes

More information, please. Does her 11:11 wish come true? And if so, and the guy turns out to be a lemon, does she learn her lesson or make another 11:11 wish?

Actually, if you make an 11:11 wish for the quarterback, and you actually get him, wouldn't the next logical step be to immediately dump him and wish for Robert Pattinson? I mean, if wishing works, you might as well shoot for the top.

Cartoon 616

Caption: Mother (Re)produces

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Success Story

Two years ago Lori Lapekes reported the sale of her novel For a Short Time to LBF Books. The book has at last been published. We saw the query in Face-Lift 464.

New Beginning 743

I reached the phone a microsecond before the machine picked up. As if on cue, my toddler whined to be picked up, and my older son ceased scratching at his viola in the other room and ran for the Xbox.

I read the Caller ID. "Tracy. What's up?"

"Oh my God, Cathy, the Supermoms have to do something. A guy knocked on my door selling magazines, and I swear I didn't want any more magazines--"

"You bought some anyway," I guessed.

"Hunting and Fishing," she said.

"Why not Cosmo?"

"And Golf Digest," she gulped.

"How'd he talk you into that?"

"I don't know. I'm a vegetarian, and I don't even play golf. Then he went next door to Erika's house and sold her Christian Life."

"What? Erika is Buddhist."

"I know! You have to do something."

"Just a minute." I covered the mouthpiece and yelled, "Josh! Viola!"

"Why, mom?" he whined.

"You know what your teacher said. Twenty minutes a day!"

"But why now?"

"Because I said so!" After a moment, the scratching resumed. I turned back to the phone. "It sounds like this magazine seller has an unusual talent for persuasion. We'll look into it. Did you see which way he went?"

"Toward Lazell Street."

"Sit tight. I'll call Luanne; she'll know what to do."

Cathy hung up on Tracy and frantically started dialing another of the Supermoms. Luanne, a devout Southern Baptist, could put the fear of God into anyone, and had no truck with deceitful salesmen, sinners all of them.

"Luanne!" Cathy burst out as her friend answered, "I've got a job for you! This is bad! There's a--"

"Hold on there, honey," Luanne interrupted. "I'd love to chat and all, but not till I'm done readin' this month's Big Boobied Babes..."


Opening: Amy.....Continuation: anon.

Cartoon 615

Caption: anon.

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Face-Lift 751

Guess the Plot

Wake Up

1. Wakey wakey! C'mon, slugger, you've got a big day. Up and at 'em. Get up, please. Kevin, I'm running out of patience. Don't make me come up there. Kevin? KEVIN! Fine, drive your own sorry ass to work.

2. My unabridged memoirs, chronicling how I overcame narcolepsy through strength and determinationandsfgsof0jrnovuhgfds.

3. “Hey, come on, I’m not even to my log line yet. Open your eyes! I’ve got a great synopsis. You’re gonna love the part when the . . . Hey! Stop snoring!”

4. Brent wakes up to discover that clowns have become the most revered people on Earth. Can a man who has dedicated his life to the art of Mime stand to see his rivals so elevated? The only solution is a mute rampage of destruction. "Die clowns die," becomes his soundless battle cry.

5. After dying, Andy decides to pass on heaven and come back as a ghost. Turns out being a ghost is about as interesting as sleeping. Plus ghosts have to suffer the ultimate humiliation: using doggy doors.

6. Arthur has been sleeping on the isle of Avalon for the past millennium. The world just doesn't need a hero with a magic sword and a wizard and undead knights at his beck and call. That is, they didn't . . . until glowing elementals invaded!

7. In Tevuron the night carries extra terrors: smoky wraiths that invade your sleep, stealing your life through your dreams. Shaabeth is an awakener, who awakens sleepers when the wraiths draw near. But who will watch over Shaabeth?



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Andy is on her hands and knees crawling through the dog door, the dog door for cripe’s sake.

When all of her carefully laid out plans were thrown to the wind and she died, Andy told heaven to go to hell. She did so expecting a little of the glitz and glamour being a ghost could offer. Instead she has found herself locked in bathrooms, bored out of her wits, and yes, demeaned herself to the point of crawling through doggy doors. [There's nothing demeaning about going through a doggy door. It's like taking the secret passage from the lounge to the conservatory. Way cool.]

It takes stooping that low before she comes to terms with the fact that she's doing no good [getting nowhere] following Kent, her still very alive fiancé. Her first glimmer of hope comes when Summer, a pseudo body snatcher, introduces herself and shows Andy some tricks of the trade.

Wake Up, a romance genre novel, is complete at just over 99,000 words.

Thank you for your time. I hope to hear from you soon.

Sincerely,


Notes

As a rule, a six-sentence plot description should never devote more than one of those sentences to going through a doggy door. You can do without the opening "hook" sentence.

I'm not sure what a pseudo body snatcher does. Does she snatch pseudo-bodies or does she pseudo-snatch real bodies? Actually, as I'm not sure what pseudo-bodies and pseudo-snatching are, anyway, never mind.

You're not telling us what happens in the book; you're just telling us the situation. Girl dies, returns as ghost to be near fiancé, ends up in the fourth circle of hell, which has something to do with constantly going through doggy doors. What does she do about her situation?

Possibly you just need to change the last plot sentence to: Her first glimmer of hope comes when Summer, a pseudo body snatcher, introduces herself and shows Andy how she can take over the body of Penelope Cruz. Then you tell us what happens when Penelope and Kent hook up, how Kent is more affectionate than he ever was when Andy was Andy, which gets her mad, how he tells Penelope about his dead girlfriend's irritating foibles, which gets her really mad, how he eventually realizes that Andy's irritating foibles are actually quirky eccentricities that he loved about her, and how they live happily ever after until Tom Cruise decides he wants Penelope back and Andy realizes if she can have Tom Cruise, what's she doing hanging out with this Kent creep?

Or whatever happens. It's a romance. Hero, heroine, insurmountable obstacles, happily ever after. Your voice is fine, we just need to know a little about what happens after Andy learns to pseudo-body snatch.

Cartoon 614

Caption: Evil Editor

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Face-Lift 750

Guess the Plot

Isabella Vampirella Gets Her Fangs

1. Bitten by a rabid bat, Isabella turns into a rampaging monster who hunts the dark alleys of the night to rip out the throats and drink the blood of her unsuspecting victims. Also, she has a pony!

2. Third-grader Isabella is determined to show everyone how grown-up she is, but how can she when she doesn't have her fangs yet? Be careful what you wish for, Isabella. When she finally gets her fangs, she also gets a humiliating lisp!

3. Brought to the dentist about a terrible case of upper canine overbite, a teenage girl devours the specialist when he refers her to an oral surgeon. A kindly hygienist then opines that Izzie might be a born bloodsucker. Mystery solved. They celebrate by feasting on the receptionist.

4. "Every time a bell clangs, a vampire gets her fangs." If Isabella can get Mr. Potter to destroy George Bailey's happy home, she can earn her fangs and become a real vampire. If not, she'll have to kiss immortality goodbye.

5. In the Young Contessas, Isabella learns to float and put on makeup without a mirror. She would rather be in the Young Counts and learn to control wolves and turn into mist. When a mad scientist kidnaps her friends, Isabella will need both sets of skills to free them.

6. After being dumped by “Ivan the Terrible” of Miami, Isabella and her friends plan a trip to Isabella’s dream destination—Transylvania. But when the ship is attacked by vampires, Isabella’s new date—Todd, a dentist—may have more work than he’d ever bargained for.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Isabella just knows her life will be perfect once she finally gets her fangs!

Isabella is eight years old and thrilled to be starting the third grade with her friends Betha, a witch, and Jack, a werewolf. After all, she’ll officially be one of the big kids taking classes in one of the towers of the magical school, not having lunch until midnight and getting to play on the huge playground deep in the woods. That is until her parents don’t let her walk to school by herself, the teacher assigns seats and puts Isabella near the back of the class and her obnoxious classmate, Talia de la Nuit, thinks she’s so mature just because she has her fangs. ["That is, until..." isn't working as a transition in this sentence. It sounds like you're saying she isn't officially one of the big kids taking classes in the tower, etc., because she's sitting in the back. Maybe this paragraph should read:

Isabella is eight years old and thrilled to be starting third grade with her friends Betha, a witch, and Jack, a werewolf. After all, she’ll officially be one of the big kids taking classes in one of the towers of the magical school. But when the teacher puts Isabella near the back of the class and her obnoxious classmate, Talia de la Nuit, thinks she’s so mature just because she has her fangs . . . well, the thrill is gone.]

Isabella is determined to show everyone how grown-up she is; once she gets her fangs too. But soon Betha discovers her magic, Jack finds his howl and Isabella is feeling seriously left behind as everyone seems to be growing up without her. When Isabella finally gets her fangs she discovers they come with a terrible price. A lisp! With the help of her family, Isabella gets the lisp under control before class on Monday and learns that there’s more to growing up then [than] just getting a set of fangs. [Like what? Getting rid of a minor speech impediment to avoid embarrassment? It's not clear to me what important life lesson she learned. Not having fangs and having a lisp seem equally unimportant to me; I would expect her to learn that some things are far more important than whether you have fangs, but whether you have a lisp isn't one of them. Especially when she gets rid of the lisp almost immediately anyway. Now, if Talia de la Nuit drains the teacher's blood, Isabella would learn that not having fangs is better than spending your youth in juvenile detention for murder.]

ISABELLA VAMPIRELLA GETS HER FANGS is a 10,000 word early middle grade novel aimed at readers of Junie B. Jones and The Magic Tree house series of books who may want something a bit offbeat.

Thank you for your evil consideration.


Notes

I like the title better without the last name. Also, if you insist on using the last name you might use one other than Vampirella, as this is the name of a character who has starred in her own horror comic magazine off and on for about forty years. The character is surely trademarked. Obviously you can't trademark any old name, like John, but this article suggests that because Vampirella is a series of works, and is identified with other stuff, like really sexy posters, the name itself is a trademark.

If you can spell out clearly what Isabella learns, focus the plot summary around that.

Cartoon 613

Caption: Angie

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Holmes 4

The dense fog which so frequently shrouds and dampens the streets of London was particularly intense that morning as Holmes, with his violin, and I with my pipe, sat in our quarters at 221B Baker Street.

"W1," mumbled Holmes, pausing from his incessant repetitions of a Paganini caprice.

"I beg your pardon, my dear fellow?" I asked my companion. "Double me one what?"

"Watson, you hear but you do not listen! I was referring to our postal district, which you know full well must follow any citation of a London address."

"Well of course, most certainly," I agreed, always the best policy when confronted by his didacticism. "But good God, Holmes! How on earth did you know... ?"

"Elementary, my dear Watson. You were speaking out loud. I quote: 'The dense fog which so frequently shrouds... ' But no mind. We must prepare ourselves for our visitor. In a moment there will be a knock at the door, signaling the arrival of an individual in height five feet five inches, a weight of 20 stone, with grizzled mane, pendulous jowls, displaying a propensity for tiresome pettifoggery and querulousness, incessantly cantankerous, peevish and in all regards generally ill-tempered."

"By Jove," I chortled. "You'll have to do better than that, old fellow! You know as well as I that this is precisely the time Mrs. Hudson brings us our morning tea!" Upon the knock, I opened the door, whereupon the individual, who in every particular met Holmes's description, spoke.

"Good morning, gentlemen. My name is Evil Editor."

--Paul Penna

Saturday Film Series