Face-Lift 1401

Guess the Plot

The Anomalies

1. Things have been different for a while now. Yet Jake seems to be the only one to notice. Can he convince anyone else of the anomalies or will he be put in the nut house?

2. Natalie doesn't have much use for her super powers, so she spends her time training other superhuman anomalies and protecting them from vigilantes trying to avenge loved ones harmed by super accidents. Hey, it's a living.

3. It's a rare episode of Star Trek in which the Enterprise doesn't encounter a space anomaly, but in this fanfic novel, the ship encounters two anomalies!

4. Who can explain America's latest teen heartthrobs?... They play Glenn Miller, Stan Kenton, and Lawrence Welk, have neatly trimmed hair, no tats, no piercings, and they phone home after every concert. They're . . . The ANOMALIES!

5. When Rebecca sees spots through her telescope, she's not certain if it's aliens or her husband's mascara on the lens. Maybe he's having an affair. With an alien.

6. Felix Strell finds strange numbers in the account books for his customer Big Joe Mahoney. Should he tell the boss he's being scammed? Or try to get in on the action?

7. The five homes on the cul de sac are lived in by the Smiths, The Joneses The Johnsons, the Martins, and the Anomalies. Four of the families live in cookie cutter cottages. The other family lives in a full-size replica of the Eiffel Tower. It's a tall tale.

Original Version

In her spare time between gig jobs, Natalie rescues and trains superhumans whose powers strike like seizures. [Not sure if that means their powers come on unexpectedly, or they resemble actual seizures, or they can't be controlled or something else. And what does she rescue them from?] Years ago, Natalie fled the city to keep her lightning storms from hurting anybody else, [Anybody else besides herself or besides those they already hurt?] but now, Natalie has nothing to use her powers for besides tracing lightning across the sky to help her fall asleep. She rents in a cramped old house with roommates who can read her mind when they’re bored, who fly to the six pack shop to restock on beer, and who command wind to blow the smell of pot out of the yard. [Can all her roommates do all of these things, or is it that she shares a cramped old house with Mentalman, who can read minds, the Buzzard, who can fly (usually to the beer store), and Zephyr, who commands the wind (mostly to blow away the smell of pot)? This way has fewer words, but extra specifics.]

In a search for a new recruit, Natalie instead stumbles into his murder at the hands of the Witnesses, vigilantes who avenge loved ones harmed by super accidents. Natalie fears the destructive past she’s been hiding is to blame, and now everybody she’s saved is in danger. [I don't see why she would fear that, or why everyone she's saved is in danger. Does everyone she's saved have a super power? Because when super-powered beings team up, they often manage to defeat enemies a lot more dangerous than a bunch of human vigilantes. You think the Avengers would worry about the Witnesses when they've had to take on Thanos? Aquaman alone could handle the Witnesses.] [I might drop the last sentence, and work the information in the previous sentence into the next paragraph.]

When one of Natalie’s trainees has a public accident [That sounds embarrassing.] that draws the elusive Witnesses closer, Natalie can run and risk that the vigilantes know [discover] her secret, [If the vigilantes don't already know her secret, why was she afraid her past was to blame for the murder? Isn't her past the secret? I'm not sure running would give away her secret, unless she can run like the Flash. Running is what someone without a secret power would do. It's staying and attacking the vigilantes with lightning that would give away her secret.] or find a way to hunt the vigilantes back, saving her friends but proving the vigilantes were right to fear superhumans. [The vigilantes' motive was supposedly revenge for harm to their loved ones. If fear of anomalies is their main motive, no need to mention the revenge factor, as there are probably a lot more people who fear them than who lost loved ones to their accidents.]

THE ANOMALIES is a 95,000 word superhuman/science fiction novel that will appeal to fans of VICIOUS by V.E. Schwab, CHOSEN ONES by Veronica Roth, and Taika Waititi’s WHAT WE DO IN THE SHADOWS. I studied Slavic Literature at the University of Pittsburgh with a focus on classics and science fiction. [Okay, I can buy people who fly and control weather and read minds, but no way do I buy that anyone would willingly study Slavic literature.]

Thank you for your time,


Notes

How often do superhumans have accidents? I'll admit it's likely that thousands of people die whenever comic book superheroes battle super villains, and that the editors fudge the numbers, but it sounds like your superheroes have retired, so there shouldn't be a lot of accidental deaths.

The voice is good. What I want to have clearly stated is what is Natalie's secret from her destructive past (Is it just that she's Lightning Woman?), what exactly will happen if the Witnesses discover it (It somehow reveals the identity of everyone she ever saved?), and how she plans to prevent this.

The superhumans don't seem all that super. Have they vowed not to use their powers for good because of the accidents? If they're willing to fly to the beer store, they ought to be willing to fly to their fortress of solitude to avoid the Witnesses.

When I plug "anomaly" into the search box at the top left of this blog, several old Face-Lifts come up. Maybe looking at them would be instructive or at least entertaining.

Face-Lift 1400!

Guess the Plot

Don't Let Me Fall

1. Falling happens all the time in dreams. Except now people are dying from it. Can Steven figure out how to wake up in time?

2. "Don't let me fall," Ikenna prays after a lifetime (or more) fighting demons. But if he wants to escape this life, he must first escape the grasp of his self-righteous priest. Growing up in 1969 Brooklyn isn't exactly Easy Street.

3. An emotional look at what goes through the mind of a man who has worked hard and sacrificed love, happiness, and financial security to finally stand at the top of his chosen profession, on a quivering steel cable stretched between two skyscrapers.

4. Alicia books an adventure trip through the Himalayas to get over her ex. Unfortunately, her ex has the same idea. Since neither is willing to cancel, they're stuck working together, getting to see another side of one another, and once again falling in... Nope, not gonna happen.

5. It was a simple request, but the audience reaction as Luigi watched his brother Lorenzo plummet toward the big top sawdust told him that the Flying Credenzas had found the routine that would breathe new life into the family's circus act, though not, unfortunately, into Lorenzo. But just as thrill-hungry crowds peak, Lorenzo comes back... and he's hungry for brains.

6. When his best friend convinces Elgin, who suffers from vertigo, to go rock climbing, the results are predictably hilarious, except for the part where Elgin falls to his death. Actually, that part is pretty funny too.  



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Ikenna of Mantika knows slavery was a choice but fighting demons for the last 200 years wasn’t.

Forced to babysit the Ijinde family and protect it’s [its] members from their spiritual skeletons, Ikenna grows tired of having his freedom tied to someone else’s. When he [his] latest ward and friend is murdered as part of an overzealous High Priest’s plan for reparations, Ikenna decides enough is enough, he need [needs] a way out of this life. But when his search for an escape route leads him into the hands of the self-righteous Priest can Ikenna escape his grasp without endangering the Ijinde bloodline or will he risk everything to be free of his curse? [I have a lot of questions, and you have room to answer some of them in the query.

1. Did Ikenna choose to be a slave or choose not to? What was the other choice?

2. What are spiritual skeletons? Demons?

3. Whose freedom is Ikenna's freedom tied to? The Ijinde family's? If he's "forced" to protect the family, it sounds like he doesn't have freedom.

4. A High Priest has a plan for reparations . . . for descendants of slaves? How does murdering Ikenna's friend aid in this plan?

5. If Ikenna wants out of his role as protector of the Ijinde family, why does he still feel obligated to protect their bloodline? Why is endangering their bloodline a bad thing?

6. What are the terms of his curse?

7. He has the ability to fight demons for 200 years without getting killed, like an immortal superhero, but he can't rid himself of the Ijindes or some Priest?

8. You as if he will he risk everything. What everything? He's unhappy with his current situation, so what does he have that he risks losing?]


Don't Let Me Fall is a 95,000 word standalone adult urban fantasy with potential for expansion into a series. It is my first novel and the bulk of the story takes place in 1989 Brooklyn [Wait, what? This is set in Brooklyn? Maybe you could mention that in the plot summary. I felt like I was reading about the fictional kingdom of Mantika on the Gohr prison planet, Lycus IV.] and I drew heavily from my experience growing up there to come up with the world of this story.[Change that last sentence into two by eliminating one of the "ands". Or eliminate the part about it being your first novel. It's unlikely the reader will care how many unpublished novels you've written, and she knows if your number of published novels is greater than zero, you'd be trumpeting that fact in sentence 1.]

Thank you for your time and consideration.


*The title for this book comes from a prayer Ikenna says regularly in the book.


Notes

You don't need to answer all my questions, I'm just saying that the query needs a lot more clarity, and since no one will complain if you take eight or ten sentences to summarize your plot, you can spell out some of this stuff that seems obvious to you but not so much to those who haven't read the book.

Just because you mention the Brooklyn Bridge in the book doesn't mean you've drawn heavily from your experience--although I have no doubt there were plenty of overzealous priests in Brooklyn in 1969.

The most common summary format is three paragraphs:

1. Who's your main character, what's his situation, and what does he want?

2. What's his plan to get it, what are his obstacles, what goes wrong, what's his plan B?

3. What choice must he make that will determine if he succeeds or fails, and what's at stake, i.e. what will happen if he fails?

This format may not work with every book, but it's a good way to organize your thoughts.

Also, those three careless errors in paragraph 2 may convince the reader that the book is riddled with careless errors. 

Face-Lift 1399

Guess the Plot

A Fable of the Faceless

1. In a world where some people have noses but no mouths, ears, or eyes, while other people have only ears or only eyes or only mouths, people must work together to accomplish anything. Assuming they can find anyone else.

2. Paglio was the star of clown school until someone stole his face paint. Now he's down among the faceless, juggling bowling pins, knives, and thoughts of homicide.

3. Anna's BFF convinced her not to eat anything with a face, but now she's seeing faces on mollusks, plants, and even Twinkies. Is someone trying to kill her? Also a nutritional spiritualist.

4. There's a fox who can't reach the potatoes on a high branch, and a crow who's on the branch. But neither of them has a face, so they don't even know there are potatoes. They can't even see each other. Moral: Worry about big problems, not the ones that are small potatoes.

5. Convinced she and her gorgeous family have got what it takes to become social media influencers, Billie enlists a bit of demonic assistance. She sells her soul to get millions of Facebook followers. Sadly, her hard-of-hearing helper gives her millions of faceless followers instead. Hilarity ensues when she discovers her fans have a taste for braaaains!

6. For Guido, life as a faceless minion means avoiding the heroes who come to fight the evil overlord, feeding the slime colony without being eaten, and making sure the red dye in his uniform doesn't bleed into his linens, because no one takes a minion with pink undies seriously.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

I'm writing you today with my pitch for my offbeat fantasy novel, "A Fable of the Faceless."

Imagine, if you will, a very different world in which the senses we take for granted – sight, smell, taste, and sound – are not the domain of all mankind [Not sure "domain" is the right word. Maybe they're not all innate in mankind?] but instead divided across four races, each as distinct in culture as they are in appearance.

Kah is a sighted strider, born with a pair of deep blue eyes but no ears, no nose, and no mouth. [Just because you can't smell, taste, or hear shouldn't mean you don't have a nose, mouth or ears. Don't striders have to breathe, eat, and attach their earrings to something?] [People with mouths are the only ones who can taste, but are they also the only ones who eat?] [If a woman with a mouth needs a root canal, does she look for a dentist among her own mouthed people or among the sighted? I'm not sure I'd be comfortable with a blind dentist.] [Actually, the sighted would have all the best jobs: dentist, surgeon, cab driver, house painter . . . Meanwhile, tho only job you could get if all you had was a nose would be smoke detector.] Together with her fellows, she has lived a nomadic life, travelling the world in search of new and novel sights. [Other people travel the world in search of novel sounds or smells.] One day, just outside a vast and inhospitable desert, she spots a young boy babbling to himself and wandering aimlessly. Without a set of eyes or ears or even a nose to guide him, he is surely doomed to die. [Actually, he's the only one who's not doomed to die, as he can both eat and breathe.] [Maybe instead of babbling, the boy should be yelling, "Hey is there someone with ears around who can hear me and help me find someone with eyes to take me home?"] 

Against her better judgement and the direct orders of her captain, Kah leaves behind the only life she’s ever known to help him find his way home. Along the way they are joined by a vigilant listener whose people carry lyres and communicate through a language of pure music, [See, now if they had no tongues to taste with, but still had mouths for breathing, they could use harmonicas, which are easier to carry than lyres and when you want to communicate that you're feeling down, it's easier to play the blues on a harmonica than on a lyre.] and a mysterious benosed stranger with a brutal reputation and a mission of retribution. [He wants revenge on the guy who hung a durian around his neck.]

At first, just finding ways to communicate is their greatest challenge – after all, how do you speak with no mouth, or listen with no ears? But they will have to learn fast. Their world is not without its dangers. Enormous reptilian beasts stalk the wilderness, leaving carnage behind them in their wake. [What? You wait until the query is almost over before mentioning the only characters that have any chance of being alive when the book ends?] And behind the walls of civilization a cult of fire-worshiping earfolk expands its influence and grows deadly in its fanaticism. [Sorry, but I can't take seriously a ruthless fanatical cult whose members all carry lyres.]

At 85,000 words, “The peons of Peonia” will be my first published novel. [That sounds like the title of a different book. Maybe it's the title of your second published novel.] I would be delighted to send a detailed synopsis, sample chapters, or the entire manuscript. I appreciate your time and interest in my work and I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,


Notes

I Googled "Faceless person" and clicked on images. Pretty much all of the images had ears. So either ears aren't considered part of the face, or Google could only find images of earfolk.

Also, most of the images were creepy. It's hard to focus on the story when you have creepy images of faces that have only mouths or noses in your brain. Of course, in Peonia, only people with eyes are subjected to these images. People with normal faces whose senses don't work would make this concept easier to swallow. Of course, in Peonia, only people with mouths have to swallow it.

Assuming you've really managed 85,000 words in this world, you need a query that focuses on Kah's goal, her plan, her obstacles, and what's at stake if she fails. All we have is she wants to help a kid find his way home while avoiding reptilian monsters.

Face-Lift 1398

Guess the Plot

The Dreamers of Knotty Netherbrook


1. In the small village Knotty Netherbrook, no one dreams. Not anymore. Not since . . . the 'Incident'.

2. In Knotty Netherbrook, a dreamer's dreams after drinking a drachm from the dreaming ditch decide the dreamer's destiny. It's a weird place.

3. Nightmares a problem? Lack of sleep? Want to add spice to those boring dreams about being naked, falling, and going to work? Call the Dreamers of Knotty Netherbrook for a personal morpheus to make bedtime so much more. It'll only cost a few years at the end of your life which you probably would have otherwise spent in cancer-ridden agony anyway.

4. After her family moves to Netherwbrook Cottage, Mia stumbles upon a sanctuary for lost and forgotten imaginary creatures in this sequel to The Magic Animals of Yetanotherbook. The sanctuary is a dream-world created by Anne, the previous resident of the cottage, but with Anne gone, a monster now stalks the grounds, and it's getting stronger. Moving is always such a hassle.

5. The Netherbrook artists colony is more than a bit naughty, and no one knows that better than carpenter-cum-milkman Dick Wilkins. But when the paternity tests come out, will Dick find his own dreams have landed him in a bit too much reality? Also, carbon dating.

6. Night after night, Alison Chaines lies awake in frustration while her useless husband snores next to her. She tries sleep aids but nothing seems to work, until a friend offers her a tiny purple pill that works too well. She slips into a coma and finds herself locked in a dream of Netherbrook, a tiny village in the alps known for serene views, crisp clean air, and ridiculously handsome men who know a thing or two about the art of bondage.

Original Version

Middle child Mia Blake is sick of having to share, be it a room with her little brother or a planet with her depressingly perfect sister. One problem is solved when her parents become caretakers of a rambling country estate, the other - to Mia's considerable alarm - when she stumbles upon a sanctuary for lost and forgotten imaginary creatures. [It's probably clear enough that the 2nd problem is solved, but it might be better to say: Both problems are solved, one when . . . and the other when--to Mia's....]

There she meets Calamancer the fox, who remembers very little but insists it is Anne, his owner, who is lost: Anne, who lived in Netherbrook Cottage before Mia, and created the dream-world she has found. With Anne gone, the sanctuary cannot hold. Already a monster stalks its dark places, devouring nightmares and growing stronger.

Meanwhile, Mia's parents need her help restoring their new home. They're on a shoestring budget and a tight deadline, and every pair of hands counts. If Mia hopes to stay long enough to learn Netherbrook’s secrets, she'll have to pull her weight.

Helping both Calamancer and her parents without dozing off in her dinner is hard enough, but just as Mia starts to think she has something truly special all to herself, she meets Sara.

Sara can also walk in two worlds, and doesn’t like finding Mia there one bit. Sara says Calamancer can’t be trusted, and her dream companion - a dragon - is terrified of him.

As Mia untangles the mystery of Anne’s disappearance, she realises it's no accident her family and Sara's are on a collision course.

Someone knows Mia is special, and wants Anne's sanctuary protected. 

Someone wants it destroyed, and the Blakes gone.

And someone is feeding the monster.

With the sanctuary, her own life, and everything her parents have worked for in danger, Mia must decide: which will she risk, and which will she try to save?

The Dreamers of Knotty Netherbrook is middle-grade contemporary fantasy, complete at 83,000 words. Dreamers is my first novel.

Author's note: About the title: Dreamers was written for my daughter. Noticing a pattern in her choice of reading material I asked if the latest was The Magic Animals of Yetanotherbook. She stuck her tongue out and told me to do better if I could. She says I have, but I wouldn't draw any conclusions from that. So the title is an homage to a dad joke, and the story was written to please one little girl. I hope others will too, one day.

Notes

I like this. If you can do without the red words, it will be about the length of the average agent's attention span.

Not sure we need to know all or any of the following, but I'll ask anyway:

Are Anne's parents the previous caretakers or the owners of the estate? I assume the latter, as otherwise Anne's disappearance isn't a mystery. She moved.

Did Anne disappear while in the dream world or the real world? Either way I assume there'd be a massive search going on in the real world.

So Mia's goal is to find Anne and return her so the sanctuary can "hold"?

New Beginning 1089

WHAT’S A MAN GOTTA DO TO KILL HIMSELF?

I turned Hellfire over in my hands. It’s not easy to get a gun in India, especially when you’re nineteen, but I managed. Don't ask me how. When Castor Castlevere puts his mind to something, it happens.

I put the semi-automatic to my head. The hard part was over. Now all I had to do was pull the trigger.

My fingers refused to cooperate. What was stopping me? I knew I wanted to do this.

With a jolt, I realized I couldn’t tarnish the memory of this house for my family.

Yes, that was it. I wasn’t afraid; the very idea was ludicrous. Castor Castlevere is the bravest, boldest person you’ll ever meet.

I’m also caring and compassionate. Not on the level of a Mother Teresa, but way above the average person. Everything about me is miles above average. That was one reason I wanted to quit this life. How would I ever cope with being something less than other people? Castor
Castlevere, until now always the most brilliant, most handsome guy in class, could never accept being considered a monstrosity, an object of pity or ridicule.

I stood, but somehow I couldn’t put one foot in front of the other to walk out of my bedroom, let alone the house. What was going on?

Light bulb moment! I couldn’t exit this life without letting my family know where to find my body. I wasn’t so selfish as to leave them wondering.

I stepped into the parlor, where my family was having tea and discussing politics. "Castor Castlevere will be found on a bench at the south end of the park," I announced.

"It is rude to interrupt," my father said. "We were discussing important matters."

"Castor Castlevere does not care," I replied boldly. How could any matters be more important than me, anyway? Did I mention I was miles above average?

"Who is that person?" my mother asked. My sister burst out laughing.

"Do not laugh at Castor Castlevere!" I shouted. In addition to being more caring and compassionate than anyone else in the world, I could also become more angry. Everything about me was just … more.

"I am not laughing at Castle Creepyvere," my sister said. "I am laughing at you!"

"Your name is Pradeep," my father said. My mother nodded in agreement.

Lightbulb moment! I didn't want to kill myself after all. The world needed me in it. But something had to be done about this family. I pulled Hellfire from my pocket and pointed it at my father's head, and pulled the trigger. Then the same for my mother. Aiming at my sister, the worst of them all, I pulled the trigger over and over again.

"Where did you get that?" my father asked. My mother looked both shocked and angry. My sister laughed louder than ever. If I am the best of everything, she is exactly the opposite.

It's not easy to get bullets in India, but one day I am going to get some. Don't ask me how. Castor Castlevere's mind is made up about this.


Opening: Crossword.....Continuation: JRMosher

Face-Lift 1397

Guess the Plot

Masquerade of Princes

1. Sworn enemies, the princes of East Verde and West Rouge meet at a gathering of world leaders. With pandemic protocols in place, they fail to recognize one another as they talk the night away and build something quite a bit more than friendship. Will love survive when the masks come off and they see one another for who they are? Or will they defy social distancing and a century of territorial enmity to come together as one? . . .  Too soon?

2. After Castor Castlevere saves teenager Kaya from being abducted by thugs, she "rewards" him by magically bringing him to a dungeon in which the crown prince of the kingdom of Jandan is being held. The three escape, and Castor saves the day again, and this is the part where Kara is supposed to fall for Castor, but no, she falls in love with the crown prince! Girls. Also, a wicked stepmother.

3. Lydia dresses as a foreign prince at a ball in order to strategize with the princess of a neighboring kingdom on how to heal diplomatic relations. Unfortunately, half the women in that kingdom and three others are now jockeying for his (her) hand and planning to go to war over him (her).

4. Prince Don Yuan masquerades as Prince Xi Zhun at the hunting tournament hoping to discredit his rival, only to discover an imposter masquerading as himself. Before the end of the hunt he will change identities twice, be kidnapped, and uncover/take over a plot to win the hand of fair Lie Shua by eliminating every rival for her hand.

5. Between midnight and dawn, the costumes in the Masquerade of Princes costume shop come to life, acting out their personas and whispering the secrets of those who've worn them. When proprietor Molly Mills's blackmail scheme goes awry, the costumes must save her or face the loss of their home. Hijinks ensue.

6. It goes without saying that a masquerade is full of the most fun outfits. Yet how is Prince Aethelred to choose a dance partner when he can't even tell which people are princesses? Much less which ones are female?

Original Version

Dear (Agent’s Name),

Since you represent fantasy and you say you are interested in seeing #OwnVoices and diverse projects, I'd like to submit to you my humorous multi-cultural fantasy, MASQUERADE OF PRINCES.

I was about to put a bullet into my brain when I met three men who deserved it more.

I'm Castor. I'm nineteen and I have neurofibromatosis, which means I have incurable, non-fatal tumors all over my face and body.

But just when I was about to end it all on the streets of India, I ran into the beautiful Kaya as she was being abducted by three thugs.

 I saved her, and how did she repay me? By transporting me to her land, Jandan, a small kingdom with big secrets.

Sure, travel broadens the mind, but did she have to teleport me to a dungeon in another universe?

Said dungeon held the imprisoned Nikhil, Crown Prince of Jandan. The three of us broke out of prison, only to find life was one damn thing after another, and all before I'd even had my coffee.

The crown pimple got us mired in ever-deepening palace intrigue as we tried to figure out who was trying to kill him, and why. Was it Mira, his wicked stepmother, who wanted to put her own son on the throne? Was it a courtier opposed to Nikhil’s promise to protect and uplift the minorities?

When the King was poisoned, and Nikhil framed for it, I had to come up with a way to prove his innocence. All while battling his mother, who wanted to kill me for my wisecracking ways and my encouraging Nikhil to defy unjust authority.

You'd think Kaya would be impressed by all I was doing to help her and her country, but who does she fall in love with? The crown pest.

Are the teen years really supposed to be this complicated?

MASQUERADE OF PRINCES is the first book of a series that speaks to themes of inclusiveness and diversity. It’s set in an alternate universe India that is struggling for freedom from colonial rule. The minorities being persecuted in Jandan are based on Indian Muslims. The political intrigue in my story echoes the past and current political situation in India.

I have pasted the first ten pages below.

I’m an Indian woman living in India. I grew up in Bahrain, an island in the Middle East, and returned to India to do my BA and MA in English Literature. Having experienced India from both afar and within gives me a certain unique perspective on its culture and politics.

I was raised Catholic and am now an agnostic. I have firsthand experience of being a minority in a country where Christians and Muslims have been attacked and killed for their religion.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


Notes

I would move the 1st paragraph down below the plot summary.

1st person is also unusual for the plot summary. Not that there's anything wrong with unusual, but I think this opening would be more effective for the novel than for the query, with a few tweaks. Something like:.

I was about to put a bullet into my brain when I saw three men who deserved it more.

They were trying to abduct the beautiful Kaya on L. J. Street in Mumbai. I ran to her rescue, and the thugs ran off, and how did she repay me? By transporting me to her home kingdom, Jandan. Sure, travel broadens the mind, but couldn't we have teleported to a beach or an amusement park? Instead of a dungeon in another universe? Girls.

#

I'm Castor Castlevere. I'm nineteen and I have neurofibromatosis, which means I have incurable, non-fatal tumors all over my face and body. [At this point you can tell more about yourself, including what has driven you to considering suicide. Then pick up the story in Jandan.]


If you prefer to use this as your query opening, I think it works better in 3rd person, and present tense. Castor Castlevere is about to put a bullet into his brain when he sees three men who deserve it more.

They're trying to abduct the beautiful Kaya on L. J. Street in Mumbai. Castor runs to her rescue, etc. etc.

The plot summary is a bit long. See if you can get it down to ten sentences tops.

You call the book humorous, and the humor is obvious in your voice and several of the plot details. But your description after the summary, stressing the themes of struggle against colonialism and religious persecution leave me wondering if the book is too heavy-handed in its treatment of these issues. You're telling a story, not preaching. If you want to convey that religion and politics are important, show it in the plot rather than telling us after the fact. You say in the plot summary "Was it a courtier opposed to Nikhil’s promise to protect and uplift the minorities?" That may be enough.

The agent will want to know your word count. And since your main characters are teens, she will want to know if the book is YA, intended mainly for teens.

If English isn't your first language, or even if it is, your command of it is impressive. And plenty of US agents are looking for #OwnVoices and diversity.

Face-Lift 1396

Guess the Plot

The Books of Alexandrea

1. Every library has its books. But in this library the books want to escape and they'll do it any way they can--even if they have to burn the place to the ground.

2. The women need access to the spellbooks in the Library in order to do magic, but the men won't let the women into the Library's magic section. Only one girl, Alexandrea, can bring magic back to womankind, but what's in it for her? She's doing fine without magic. 

3. A used book store is the cover for a ring of scammers selling knock-off jewelry they hide in hollowed-out books. When a book-loving girl scout comes calling, can they buy her off with cookie purchases, or will they face life under a new boss ten times as diabolical as themselves?

4. Alexandrea discovers she's the latest incarnation of the protective spirit of the Library of Alexandria, doomed to mortality for failing in her duties, forced to write out all of her lost books, no matter that the originals were complete rubbish. In other words, she's like every other author seeking help from Evil Editor.

5. Andrea has many books. One keeps track of what she owes the butcher, another how much she's into the baker. But the book that troubles Andrea most is the one she keeps on the candlestick maker, a lustful, humorless man with waxy fingers. Will she never learn that the piper must be paid?... oh wait, that's a different book altogether.

6. Alexandrea has the ability to enter books and live in their worlds. Unfortunately, when she brings a second book into a horror novel as an escape route, she scrambles the space-time literary continuum. Now she's trapped within a million books, her only hope of return the diary in which her bratty sister imagines killing her.


7. Alexandrea really got into those mindful coloring books. She amassed a huge tower of 'em, cheap, since they fell out of vogue a few years ago. And now spends all day with her pretties. But now... one book is really upset with the color scheme she chose for it. Upset enough for its characters to step out of its leaves and enter her dreams...and change more than just her colors...

Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

A vast and ancient Library hides all magic. Once belonging to women, magic now resides in countless books, coveted by the men controlling the Library. [Claiming the men control the library, when they can't get the magic they covet from the library books, is like me claiming I control the Ben and Jerry's store when the kid behind the counter refuses to sell me a pint of Cherry Garcia.] Outside the Library, almost no one believes magic exists.

Alexandrea Hawthorne knows her Aunt Heather runs a monthly Book Club. When Alexandrea tells her aunt about her recurring nightmare, “Come to Book Club” isn’t the response she expects. [Perhaps you should tell us about her recurring nightmare.] Heather can’t explain she’s been waiting all Alexandrea’s life for this moment: to remove the curse that makes her unable to see, hear, or know magic. [Why can't she explain it? If my aunt is gonna suddenly start uttering incantations over me, either she explains why in advance, or I'm out of there.] 

The curse means Alexandrea doesn’t know Heather’s Book Club is a witch’s coven. [This curse sounds more like a spell.] [You don't need a curse to prevent someone from knowing your book club is a coven. You just need to not tell anyone.] [Shouldn't that be witches coven? Or witches' coven?] She doesn’t know they’ll use the same two-hundred-year-old spellbook her own father used to place her under this curse. She is unaware what harm this may cause her, or how to survive it. [I'm not sticking around for a process that I might not survive, not when I was getting along just fine under the curse. But that's me.] She is aided by the Book club, a group of women from diverse backgrounds and orientations.  [The sentences in this paragraph aren't connected well enough.] [Also, you capitalized "Book" but not "club." I'm not sure why we need to capitalize either, with the possible exception of in "Heather's Book Club" if that's the actual name of the club. As for "Library," I'll give you that one, assuming the place is just known as the Library.]

Success and failure threaten Alexandrea equally. Alexandrea is faced with an impossible choice. Failure means the loss of magic for all women for all time. Should she succeed, two men wait to extract her magic to make their own book. Until Alexandrea can understand magic, she must trust even those who seek to do her harm. [Usually characters must trust no one or trust but verify. Alex must trust everyone? What will happen if she doesn't trust those who seek to do her harm?] 

THE BOOKS OF ALEXANDREA, 125,000 words, unfolds in a contemporary world where magic has been hidden in books for so long few still believe in it. Even women who call themselves witches doubt magic’s existence. The truth is not always what they believe, and that pits friends against friends and pairs enemies as they fight to return magic to womankind. [When did womankind lose magic? When Alex was cursed? When men got control of the Library? Gradually over millennia?] Similar to JONATHAN STRANGE AND MR. NORRELL, where magicians don't believe in magic until they see it for themselves or THE HUNGER GAMES where adversaries aren’t always the most dangerous people.

In 2019, I published A GOAT AND TEN COINS OF SILVER in World of Myth Magazine and GOODNIGHT in Exposition Review’s February Flash-405 Contest (republished in 2020). I also write genre movie reviews at the Tribeca Film Festival for SciFi4Me. In real life, I work in marketing and write a seasonal blog featuring the food and wine industries of Long Island’s North Fork. [These credits aren't needed.] 

Thank you for your time and consideration,

PS: The Books of Alexandrea is a play on the Library of Alexandria. Here, the books are the aforementioned spellbooks....


Notes

It's not clear to me what Alex's choice is. Does Heather give Alex the option of having the curse removed, and tell her the pros and cons? 

The curse shielded Alex from knowledge of magic, but apparently Heather knows about magic. Is it illegal for women to enter the Library and access books in which magic resides?

As I understand it, the curse affected only Alex, and the reason womankind no longer has magic is not because of the curse, but because they've been kept from it by men so long that they've forgotten it exists. But how does removing the curse from one woman/girl, thus giving her knowledge of magic, change anything? Men will still keep women out of the Library.

We need to know what's at stake. Among those who know of magic, women want magic, but don't want men to get it. Men want magic, but don't want women to regain it. I don't know if the world is better off with one or the other or neither or both having magic. What's the worst possible scenario, and what is the main character (whether it's Alex or Heather) doing to prevent it?

Give us ten sentences that answer these questions: Who's the main character and what does she want? What's her plan to get it? What obstacles stand in her way? What will happen if she fails to overcome these obstacles?