Novel Ideas

Looking for an idea for your next novel? These ideas, which appeared here as fake plots in past years, sound like they might actually be winners. One to a customer, please. Reserve the one you want in the comments so we don't have several people writing the same one.


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Face-Lift 1116

Guess the Plot

Thicker Than Blood

1. Two vampires undertake an experiment in their night school science class to discover what is thicker than blood. Answer: custard.

2. Marie loves Guy, but he loves her sister Valerie who loves Guy's sister Cecilie. Plus a one-legged grasshopper cook and a geneologist obsessed with the letter M.

3. When Merlinia G. Wetzelsperger's budget vegan blood mix begins producing unstable gloopy results, lawyers demand a rewrite of the powder/water ratio instructions.

4. There's a new substance on Planet Zera-Phor, a sludge called Pheron, and it's ruining everything. The waste product of alien breeding rituals, Pheron poisons wells, kills plants, and sticks to your shoes like gum. When the protagonist learns one of his parents created him out of Pheron, will he believe that it's...Thicker Than Blood?

5. Tar. Glycerol. Gorilla Glue. There are many thick substances out there, but none that can bind certifiable maniacs together like blood. Also, a soothsayer grandfather.

6. Jillian must confront the Ashkum--Alderi's feared council of elders--to rescue her dearest friend Elia from execution. What she doesn't know? Elia's guilty, and her sacrifice is a set-up.

7. The empress has been kidnapped, and civil war is imminent. Two estranged brothers decide to work together to find her, because blood is thicker than water. But will they discover something else is . . . thicker than blood? Also, a nuclear knife.




Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Thicker Than Blood is an adventure fantasy novel about a kidnapped empress, an ancient knife and a long-lost brother.

The kidnapping of the Empress has thrown the Empire into turmoil. Jack is a thief who has been commissioned, by an unknown patron, to steal a treasure from the palace in her absence, a knife with the power to destroy whatever it touches. [Including the person who steals it?] [Including the display case in which it rests?] [Presumably not, so I'm guessing it destroys what it touches only when its wielder wills it to do so? So if I walk up to some guy I want to kill, I only have to touch him with this knife, whereas if I had a normal knife I would have to touch him harder. That would make him somewhat easier to kill, although when you approach someone while holding a knife, he's going to try to avoid being touched by it whether it's a magic knife or a steak knife. Also, if he has a sword and sees you approaching with a knife, I don't like your chances no matter which kind of knife it is. Especially if his sword has the power to destroy whatever it touches.] [If I touch a tree with the knife, does it crumble into dust? Disappear? Just fall over? Also, if I touch a castle with the knife, does the whole castle get destroyed, or just the one stone block I touched? You can see why I ask. If you want to destroy one floorboard of your castle because it creaks, the knife would come in handy unless it destroyed your whole castle. But if you want to destroy your enemy's whole castle, you don't want to have to walk around touching every brick and board and flagpole, because they'll notice what you're doing and send out archers.] Along the way he comes into contact with his older brother, a sometime lover of the Empress, whom Jack has spent half his life avoiding. As they are forced to work together for the first time in fifteen years, Jack has to confront the tensions that drove him from his home and discover whether they lie between the brothers or only within himself. [Do they have to work together? If they split up they have twice as much chance of finding the empress.]

Meanwhile, tension is mounting in the royal palace. Long-established factions, held in check by the Empress, are gaining power in her absence and there are whispers of civil war. Rajel, a young, newly-arrived prince from the Southlands, attempts to navigate the complex palace politics while concealing his own identity. [Not clear why Rajel is important enough to be in the query. Dump him or make it clear.]

Time is running out in the search for the Empress, and she is not the only one in danger. Jack has to choose between helping his brother find her and fulfilling his commission to steal the knife before it falls into the hands of evildoers. [How does he know the "unknown patron" who commissioned him isn't an evildoer? If there are evildoers in the palace, they already have the knife. If they aren't in the palace, why is the knife safer with Jack or the patron than it is in the palace?]

Complete at 110,000 words, Thicker Than Blood explores the relationships between family and identity, ambition and loyalty, ideals and duty. It is intended for an adult audience of fantasy lovers.

I have enclosed the first chapter, and the manuscript is available at your request. Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,


Notes

If there's any risk of the knife falling into the wrong hands, why not destroy it or throw it to the bottom of the ocean? It's not good for only one side to have a weapon that can destroy anything.

Can you throw in an example or two of things the good guys have destroyed with the knife?

I assume the whole army is out looking for the empress. Why should these two brothers have any luck?

If your summary shows the themes, there's no need to point them out

It's best if you can show the knife is connected with the empress's rescue. It sounds like a subplot. Do they need the knife to rescue her? Does protecting the knife do anything to reduce the chance of civil war?

Setup: The empress has been kidnapped and two estranged brothers agree to work together to rescue her. But first they must get the Knife of Endor because they need it to destroy everything standing between them and her. Now what  happens? What goes wrong? Who betrays them or tries to stop them? What's the plan? Tell us the story. Make us want to read it.

Face-Lift 1115

Guess the Plot

Just One of the Boys

1. Tomboy Gena has always struggled with identity issues, but now he's certain to cause a stir after gender-reassignment. How will folks react when Geno is...Just One of the Boys?

2. Foundation: Check. Mascara: Check. Corset: Check. Fishnets: Check. And--oh yeah, chihuahua in the purse. Yep, Mike's ready for a night with the boys.

3. Kate's best friend Meredith blabs Kate's secrets to the cool girls, so Kate starts hanging out with the boys. Then the cool girls discover boys and want to use Kate as an in to the boys' group. Now Kate must decide: use this opportunity to become one of the girls, or remain . . . just one of the boys.

4. When Wyatt Earp, Doc Holliday and Bat Masterson ride into the little town of Misery in search of a killer, 16 year old Belle is desperate to join them. Will cutting her hair, wearing her Pa's clothes and carrying a gun convince them that she's-- just one of the boys?

5. A lonely housewife disguises herself as an overweight, obnoxious executive in order to spend more time with her husband at the office. But what secrets will she uncover when her husband thinks she's...Just One of the Boys?

6. When a dragon wakes from his thousand-year nap, he finds a boarding school built over his lair. Roaming the dorms for sustenance, he discovers a deep love for the works of Goethe and an allergy to tweed.

7. Fifteen-year-old Patricia is a horse-loving tomboy. Her twin brother Patrick loves playing piano. When their parents head to Tuscany for the summer, the twins swap plans. He goes to Piano Camp in NYC. She goes to Boy Scout Horse Camp in Wyoming. Does she know Horse Camp has a communal shower room?

8. Psychologist Mandy Smith thinks she knows every manipulative, narcissistic trick used by patients to deceive therapists. Until she starts counseling a Sex Addicts Anonymous group. To better understand her new clients, Mandy hits the bar scene, undercover and transgender.

9. Philippa's always acted like one of the boys alongside her 9 brothers. But when she decides to get in touch with her feminine side, can she grow out her crew cut in time for the junior prom?


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor/ Agent,


I’d like you to consider my tween romance, Just One of the Boys.


Fourteen year old Kate’s so-called best friend Meredith has just blabbed all of her secrets to the cool girls, in hopes of joining their group. [Welcome to our clique. We've been wanting to add a new member, preferably one who blabs her friends' secrets.] [I'd get rid of "so-called" and just put quotation marks around "best friend."] [Also, could readers think Meredith blabbed her own secrets rather than Kate's secrets? Probably not, though technically, you'd write the sentence the same if it were Meredith's secrets, so maybe you should say "Kate's secrets."] Devastated that their friendship seems to be so cheap, Kate instead reconnects with her childhood friend, Aaron, and hangs with him and his buddies instead. [Neither "instead" is needed.]


She doesn’t mind talking football and cars, [Do boys care about cars before they're old enough to drive?] and actually enjoys jamming heavy metal riffs with them. But she has to dress down in order for them to stop trying for her attention. [Not clear what that means, partly because what 14-year-old doesn't want attention?] She gradually gets to know the brooding Brandon, whose home life is terrible, and finds herself falling for him. But he sees her as ‘one of the boys’. Together, they write a song for a competition, and Kate uses the lyrics to express her feelings for him. He loves the song and reveals that he will dedicate it to Meredith, whom he loves from afar. [Kate's mistake was calling the song "Meredith My Love." If she'd named it "Eleanor My Love, no prob. Or she could have put the names Brandon and Kate in the lyrics a la "Jack and Diane," "Frankie and Johnnie," "The Ballad of Bonnie and Clyde."]


Kate needs to figure how to get him to believe exactly how mean Meredith really is. [Without just telling him?] In the meantime, the cool girls (including Meredith) start to be nice to her – probably to get to know the boys. Her impulse is to ignore them, but it gives her an opportunity to stop being one of the boys, even though she really prefers their company. [So what's her dilemma? Sounds like she can just keep hanging with the boys or she can become a cool girl and still hang with the boys, since the cool girls apparently want to hang with the boys. Do both sides of the decision have a major disadvantage?]


This is a story about being yourself, even when the consequences are hard; [I missed that part. Kate's only hard consequence was losing a friendship with someone who wasn't much of a friend anyway. But that wasn't a consequence of being herself; it was a consequence of Meredith being mean.] [Actually, it's a story about how boys make better friends than girls, but don't mention that, as girls are your audience.] about fitting-in and friendship and loyalty and about identity in the ever-changing world of the adolescent.


My contact details are as follows.......






Notes


This is pretty wordy. The fewer words you use to make a point, the more room you have to provide additional information.


It's also mainly setup.If you can squeeze the setup into one paragraph, something like:


When 14-year-old Kate is betrayed by her best friend Meredith, she starts hanging out with her childhood friend Aaron and his buddies. She gets to know Brandon, and together they write a song for a contest. The problem: Kate's lyrics express her romantic feelings for Brandon, but he wants to dedicate the song to his secret crush . . . Meredith!


. . . you'll have plenty of room to tell us how Kate attempts to win Brandon over, what goes wrong, what brings the whole situation to a boil.

Caption Challenge

As those of you who read EE's tweets are aware, a series of "Big-headed Alien Cartoons" has begun. If it's to continue, new captions will be needed for this cartoon:

The drawing can be altered so that EE is speaking or so that both characters speak. Submit as comments.

Hannah's Tweets

You may have noticed the link to the Hannah Rogers Literary Agency in the sidebar. A few people have submitted entire queries to Hannah Rogers. In some cases these are people who've read the entire site and decided that Hannah is the agent for them. Which is sad. In other cases these are people who are submitting to every lit agent site they can find and don't even look at the site. Which is annoying.

To reduce my exposure to heartbreak and annoyance, I've asked Hannah to make it a bit more difficult to submit to her, so possibly she won't be tweeting anymore. But she's granted me permission to post some of her tweets, which consist of an author's first sentence and Hannah's two cents. Perhaps an agent's point of view will prove instructional to those minions who don't see how anyone can reject a manuscript after reading only one sentence.



If days were trains, this one would have been lying at the bottom of a ravine. (K) If openings were logs, that one would be in my fireplace.

It's over. (P) For once I can say this with certainty: you're starting in the wrong place. 

Armageddon began with a cup of coffee. (DJC) I had forgotten Starbucks prime directive: If Satan comes in, serve him decaf.

It was a stately room. (Anon.) Specifically, it was shaped like Colorado.

I stopped dead in my tracks the moment I saw him. (D) No one had told me Evil Editor would be attending my sweet sixteen slumber party.

The day I learned my twin sister was a vampire, I was shocked. (JR) Then it hit me: finally, I had an excuse to put a stake thru her heart.

I could not believe it. (anon.) So you wrote a novel about it, and you'll be highly offended if I say, "Sorry, didn't find it believable."

The big Dutch boy wanted to fight about the ship's name again. (SM) We showed him the name, printed on the stern. That settled that.

He was a man of terror and reveled in his ability to cause fear. (JD) But he was the most famous editor in the world, so we had to take it.

"Tell me you're kidding." (DJC) "Nope, I've got you a seven-figure contract and I sold film rights . . . Okay, okay, I'm kidding."

As Leisha disembarked, the hot desert wind hit her like an anvil. (S) She took a deep breath and blew it out like a category 5 hurricane.

“What brings you to Mobile?” (L) The only believable response to that question: "My GPS malfunctioned."

She’d grown to expect it. (K) And yet it still shocked her when the 1st sentence of a manuscript had two pronouns with no antecedents.

The man bore down on me, leering with yellow teeth. (CP) And chomping with bloodshot eyes.

She was a force of nature steaming through the mall. (MM) I made a mental note never to get between her and Mrs. Fields.

“Your drug induced coma is the anteroom to my reality." (WM) And your Huh?-inducing opening sentence is the foyer to my nightmare.

Kincaid rode behind the sheep. (W) I'm torn between wanting to know what you mean by "rode" . . . and NOT wanting to know.

The room lit up as the Pope walked in. (R) Immediately Cardinal Vespaci knew he would catch hell for inviting paparazzi to the conclave.

The vault's alarm spoke: "Fa-oop fa-oop, fa-oop." (DF) Reading that is almost as annoying as listening to it.

I wish I didn’t have to tell my story in the first-person. (RLW) Sorry, but it's pretty much industry standard for autobiographies.

It wasn’t crowded in The Regulator Bookshop. (Anon.) Apparently, news that Evil Editor would be reading from Novel Deviations hadn't spread.

In your minds, you are all special. (P) That's because the publishing industry would grind to a halt without us . . . in our minds.

"I love you," Andi said very clearly, looking right up into his brown eyes. (SD) "I'm so glad I put up this ceiling mirror," he added.

In this business, every once in a while, you meet a woman who's a class act. (DJC) Thanks.

I didn't know that I was psychic. (ILS) Which, now that I think about it, should have been the first clue that I wasn't.

Some say stasis dreams are as close as the human mind can come to a vision of Heaven. (G) I say it's a pint of Cherry Garcia.

I had my nightmare again last night. (JAS) Me too. Mine was the one where yet another author opens by telling me about her dream. And yours?

"Shit!" (DJC) I'm a traditionalist; I prefer that you give the title and word count BEFORE the genre.

The dame had finally come unhinged. (R) Hey, YOU try working a job where you do all the work and get 15% of the take.

On impulse, Jerel gathered the mage close. (P) On impulse, I turned on the shredder.

I retched, and gagged, and heaved more liquid out of myself. (BS) Week-old burrito or erotic romance slush?

I let the gun rest on my limp dick. (EST) No need to tell us it's limp. If there's a gun anywhere near it, it's limp.

"You're going to wear that page out, you know." (MD) Dialogue between two senators?

It’s amazing how you take oxygen for granted until you don’t have any. (RS) True, if you replace "amazing" with "perfectly understandable."

There was no violence until the very end of the journey. (anon.) Sorry, try again. And this time, start at the end of the journey.

The Nightmare Man came today. (TLB) The Nightmare Man comes EVERY day. Although we agents call him the mailman.

"What the hell was that?" (RDV) What the hell was THAT?

Ventriloquism school has only one rule: don't fall in love with the dummy. (WT) That's also the only rule on Evil Editor's blog.

I have a perfect mouth, at least according to my dentist, AKA my dad, AKA Dr. Dad. (JJ) Sorry, AKA No thanks, AKA Better luck next time.

One year was wasted and gone. (KDE) Trunk novel or boyfriend?

"You don’t want this, no more than I do." (Anon.) Well, at least we agree on SOMETHING.

Tweets

1. Today is International Day of Tolerance. I'm doing my part. pic.twitter.com/YdB8RjK1

   
   
2. If I want anything done around here.... pic.twitter.com/sylBnxax

   
   
3. What's taking EE so long? The bakery's right around the corner. pic.twitter.com/D5Ytxyto
   
   
   
4. I'd better not disturb Evil Editor. He's in his office negotiating an important contract. pic.twitter.com/0kWKmwYg

   
   
5. In Evil Editor's dreams. pic.twitter.com/tQP2WLwo

   
   
6. I told EE people wouldn't fear him if he didn't scowl so much. Hope I got through to him. pic.twitter.com/RIPjYgTl

   
   
7.  Maybe this'll teach EE not to send me out to run his errands. pic.twitter.com/rIRmGIgF
   
   
   
8. I think it's cool that Evil Editor hires athletes from his alma mater during their off-seasons. pic.twitter.com/Y5dvsc44
   
   
9. EE's been editing a lot of murder mysteries lately. I hope it's not getting to him. pic.twitter.com/wuRibbit

   
   
10. EE used to wear the same suit to work every day. Suddenly he has a new wardrobe. What gives? pic.twitter.com/Fbg4SA1J

    
    
11. Evil Editor's been prevailed upon to substitute teach this morning. I can just imagine how that's going. pic.twitter.com/2vdgI7dZ

    
    
12. I'd like to know why EE suddenly needed a DNA sample. If ANYONE'S on drugs here, it's HIM. pic.twitter.com/09niTB3Q

    
    

    
    

Face-Lift 1114

Guess the Plot

Guardian of the Phoenix

1. Joel was born for greatness--and he's going to achieve it, just as soon as he can find someone to watch Uncle Marvin's weird parrot.

2. Sheryl's substitute teaching job explodes in a dazzling pyrotechnic display that burns down the science lab. Now she's desperate to take any job--even pet-sitting in creepy Zanzibar Manor.

3. When Gwyn learns that her childhood necklace, "the Phoenix," is the only thing keeping the sun burning in the sky, she realizes it was possibly a mistake to give it to a vampire who wants to extinguish the sun so it'll always be night.

4. Tipped off by lapsed minions, Internet hacker Shazam targets the firewall blocking insightful blog posts of southern writer, Phoenix. Soon Shazam is on the run from ace detective Zach Martinez. Also, an evil editor.

5. After a bizarre series of fatal highway "accidents," 42-year-old paraplegic tax lawyer Jill Walters finds herself the legal guardian of 14-year-old super heroine The Phoenix, who's determined to avenge her parents' deaths.

6. When Wendy signed up to become a foster parent, she certainly didn't anticipate having a little pyromaniac in her house. Now, how to use the kid in an insurance scam?



Original Version

Gwyn has spent her whole life pretending to be something she's not… human. But when you're going to live forever, seventeen years of lying shouldn't be a big deal. Guardian of the Phoenix is complete at 58,742 words and would fit in to the Paranormal Young Adult genre. [That sentence could be placed at the front of the last paragraph where it won't interrupt the plot summary.]

Gwyn has been playing the part of human for so long, [In the previous paragraph 17 years was next to nothing. Now it's sooooooo long.] she has denied who and what she really is, an immortal. [We learned she's pretending to be human and she's immortal in the first paragraph. You must think we have really short attention spans. Dump the entire first paragraph and open: "17-year-old Gwyn has been playing . . . ] But with immortality comes responsibility, and her guardianship comes far sooner than she ever expected. [When did she expect it?]

Her treasured childhood necklace turns out to be the Phoenix, the only thing keeping the sun burning in the sky. It is her responsibility to protect it.

She is devastated when she finds out because she’s already given it away. [Why would a 17-year-old keep some plastic bead necklace she had when she was 4? It's bad enough giving a child the only thing keeping the sun burning in the sky, but to not even tell her to protect it is the height of stupidity.] Her desperate attempt to prove her love to a dhampire, [For those not in the know, a dhampire is vampire who works for the Dharma Initiative.] [No, seriously, it's the offspring of a vampire and a human woman, and my embarrassment at not previously knowing this is matched only by the author's at not knowing it's spelled "dhampir."] Nolan, has threatened the balance of the world. [She attempted to prove her love for Nolan by giving him her childhood necklace?] [I shouldn't talk, on my 3rd date with my 2nd soul mate I gave her my Tonka truck and she gave me her Barbie doll. We were both 23.] Nolan’s vampire father would like nothing better than to end the reason for Gwyn’s existence, allowing night to reign always. [If you mean he wants to destroy her necklace, stopping the sun from burning in the sky, has he given any consideration to the fact that it would soon become really cold? And all the food sources would die off, including those of dhampir?] [Note that the plural of "dhampir" is "dhampir." You may need to know that someday.]

On top of all of that, Gwyn is falling for Brandt, the Phoenix's soul mate. [I thought the Phoenix was a necklace. What's it's soul mate? A bracelet? She's falling for a bracelet?] [Two sentences ago she was proving her love for Nolan and already she's falling for Brandt?]

She's got a major decision to make; become the Guardian of the Phoenix or let the sun set for the last time. [Tough decision. I'd start by making a list of all the advantages and disadvantages of a burning sun.

Advantages
Can see the moon
Can start a fire with a magnifying glass
Bikinis

Disadvantages
Skin cancer
Global warming
Blindness from looking at eclipses
Easier for the Borg to find us]

I want to sincerely thank you for your time. I have a full manuscript available should you be interested in reading Guardian of the Phoenix. This novel can stand alone, but I have the desire for it to become a series. I am currently working on the second novel which features a new main character.

Sincerely,


Notes

Who gave Gwyn the only thing keeping the sun burning in the sky, and why?

Who was responsible for the necklace before Gwyn, and why has this person been replaced?

Who are Gwyn's parents?Are they immortal too? How can you tell someone's immortal when they've been alive only 17 years? Is she a goddess? A dhampir? A zombie?

This is all setup. You don't tell us anything that happens in the book. And the situation you've set up doesn't make a lot of sense. If it all makes sense in the book, rewrite the query in a way that shows it.

Charity Auction

The Brenda Novak Auction to aid diabetes research (http://brendanovak.auctionanything.com/) begins May 1. As usual, Evil Editor will have items up for bid, but for the past three years I've also run my own charity auction concurrently with the BN auction, and this year I'll be offering up the same items as in past years, as thinking up new stuff is too much trouble. And what better day to provide an advance look at the Evil Editor Charity Auction than April 1?



EE in Oil.

Self-portrait. As good as the crap you see in places like the Louvre. By the time your kids inherit it, it'll be worth twenty million.








 


The Lindbergh Baby
I've had this fellow in my cellar since 1932. He's really become a drain on me, so maybe someone else can take on the responsibility.









Evil Editor's "Throne"

It's like giving up an old friend. I've spent so much time sitting here my ass has worn an impression into the seat. Autographed.







 


The Gulf of Mexico

I shoulda dumped this a while back. It's a fixer-upper, so you can probably get it dirt cheap.




 



Frozen Foot of a Hobo

Right foot.







 




Everything in Evil Editor's Attic Storage Room

Winning bidder will need to bring a truck, boxes and a few workers. Contents of room includes half ton of unopened slush.







 


An Evaluation of Your First Sentence

by Evil Editor. More manuscripts get rejected after the first sentence than any other sentence. Find out why no one has ever seen your second sentence.









Name a character in your book Evil Editor

Change the name of any character in your book, whether it be a murder mystery, a horror/slasher book, or a historical romance, to Evil Editor! (No lit-fic, please.)









 
An Evaluation of Your Book's Title

Evil Editor will run your book's title by his minions, who will explain that it doesn't make them want to pick up the book, has been used by too many other authors, or simply sucks--but that it doesn't matter because the publisher will change it anyway.





Wake Up With Jesus

Get a good night's sleep for a change, knowing Jesus will be in your bed when you wake up. Evil Editor will arrange for Jesus (or someone resembling Jesus) to be in your bed when you wake up.


 


                                         
 

Reminisce about EE

You and one other person will meet for lunch at a restaurant of your choosing and have a lively conversation about Evil Editor. Share your impressions, brag about your contributions to the blog, enjoy a hearty meal.

Transportation, meal and gratuity are the responsibility of the winning bidders.

 






Evaluation of Your Font

Used to be courier was the default. Then Times muscled in. Now anything readable goes, but you are the worst person to decide if a font you love is readable. And Evil Editor is the best.

Take Evil Jr. to Dinner

You get to grill Evil Jr. about EE while treating him to dinner at his favorite grille.

Evil Jr. guaranteed to show up, but not to be truthful.






ARC of the Covenant
An Advance Rapture Coffer for those who want a look at what awaits. Winning bidder opens at their own risk.






An Evaluation of Your First Word

by Evil Editor, the world's most famous editor. EE has rejected more manuscripts after the 1st word than he can count. Among these first words were "Irregardless," "Eventually," "Bivouac" and "Archau'tnau." Don't risk a 1st-word rejection.

**NOTE: This is an evaluation of your work, not a complete line edit. Winning this read does not guarantee a sale.

Filling of 2 Plot Holes
The last thing your career needs is some snarky book reviewer saying your romance novel has plot holes the size of Hudson Bay. Evil Editor will fill in any two plot holes in one of your novels.

No novelizations of summer blockbuster movies, please.

Evil Editor's Scented Manuscript Paper 
They say smell is the sense that brings forth the strongest emotional reactions. Of course you'd never dip your manuscript in perfume before submitting it, but Evil Editor's scented manuscript paper has a faint aroma that won't be noticed until it reacts with the editor's skin oils and begins wafting toward his nostrils halfway through your pages. Choice of lilac, cinnamon, bacon or new car.




Evaluation of a Proposal, by Evil Editor

Nothing is more likely to send her running in the other direction than a marriage proposal filled with vagueness, adverbs, and misuse of the word "literally." Run your spiel past the world's most famous editor for a complete line edit. Ring not included.






Evil Editor's Junk

Evil Editor recently cleaned out his junk drawers and his attic. Don't miss this rare opportunity to get your hand's on EE's junk.











 


An Evaluation of Your Name, by Evil Editor

You'd like to think your manuscript has never been rejected just because an editor thought your name was boring, forgettable, blah. Don't be so naive. Let Evil Editor do a complete line edit of your name, and suggest three noms de plume, at least one of which will include a middle name.





 

An Evaluation of Your Pie Recipe.

Send Evil Editor your pie, Fed-Ex, overnight. EE will provide a critique within 48 hours.








A Complete Housekeeping Critique, by Evil Editor

EE will move into your home and critique your housekeeping methods, including how you fold your T-shirts, how efficiently you store your kitchen utensils, whether your shower needs grout work, and why you vacuum in the wrong direction.