Face-Lift 940

Guess the Plot

Angels in Atlantis

1. Artorus and Jessarene are the most promising acolytes in the Atlantean temple. But each has begun to believe there is actually only one god (plus several powerful beings who serve him). Their love and heresy threaten to sink the empire.

2. Being a janitor in Atlantis isn't easy, what with all the drunk fishermen throwing their empty beer cans overboard, but Davey's getting by. Then two angels show up. One of them says he'll help find Davey's missing brother. The other is intent on starting Armageddon. Davey must decide which angel to side with. And it's not as easy as it sounds.

3. Intending to go to The Varsity for a hamburger, Michaela steps onto the wrong MARTA train and finds herself in Atlantis, an ancient city far beneath its near-namesake. Now she must stop a gang of evil mermaids intent on liberating the smallpox virus from its secure vault at the CDC, wiping out humanity and retaking the earth for mer-kind.

4. Mild-mannered priestess L'Bwenah has her hands full running the First Atlantean Food Bank. Will quirky encounters with a homeless sorcerer, a boy with two left feet and a Finnish windworker be the key to help her organize an evacuation before the tsunami hits?

5. Hiding in the coal hole to escape cruel Miss Pinsington, Jakie and Katie find an ancient golden ring that takes them back in time to the lost island of Atlantis. Too bad all the kind grownups there only want to send them home.

6. When the Lord Almighty gives His angelic host a vacation day free from the constraints of righteousness, Gabriel and Michael decide to spend the next 24 hours at the Atlantis Casino. There they learn that putting down the key to the gates of Heaven on OO green might not have been the best idea.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Davey's life hasn't been easy since her mom [named her "Davey."] killed herself and her drug-addicted little brother runaway. [Actually, if Davey was her brother's caretaker after mom's suicide, I would think her life got easier when he runaway.] [Also, now that you've made "runaway" a verb, you want the past tense, "ranaway."] [On second thought, those who assume "runaway" is a noun may think you're saying mom killed herself and the runaway. Though not in that order.] Waitress by day, janitor by night, Davey struggles to pay rent for the apartment she shares with her best friend in the military run city of Atlantis. [Are you saying this is a different Atlantis from the famous submerged one? That seems misleading. If I purchase books titled Angels in Oz and Angels in Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory, I have expectations. If I get home and find out the books are set in Teaneck, New Jersey and the Welch's Jelly factory, I'll feel like I've been had. I suggest either changing the city name or not using it in the title.]

Walking home from work one night, Davey rescues a stray cat from teenage thugs [It's seldom a good idea to call attention to yourself when thugs are focusing on a cat and ignoring you. Did she confront the thugs or just grab the cat and runaway?] despite the possession of pets being strictly forbidden. [She could have rescued the cat from the thugs and released it in an alley instead of making it her pet.] But her pet problems are short-lived when she wakes the next morning to find the cat transformed into the buff, blond angel Zephyr. [Change the word "when" to a semicolon.] Davey makes a deal with Zephyr: her guidance through the modern era as he tries to find a divine artifact in exchange for his help finding her brother. It seems like a sweet deal, having an angel looking out for her and searching for her brother, but when her best friend is abducted by the insidious Serafim and Zephyr's search for the artifact turns into a battle against a nasty assortment of demons, Davey realises she might have been hasty in making a deal with the less-than-holy angel. [That was what we in the business call a runaway sentence, a term I just coined that applies to a sentence if, during the time it takes to read it, I can eat an entire burrito.] But determined to save those she loves, [Who are those she loves, besides the crackhead junkie?] they continue their search armed with Davey's clairvoyance [I hope Davey's super power is mentioned earlier in the book than it is in the query.] [Can't a clairvoyant person make more off her talents than she can as a waitress and janitor? Like, she could open a fortune-telling kiosk at the mall.] [Can't she foresee where her brother will be found?] and Zephyr's assortment of supernatural powers. [It's always nice to have an assortment of powers, but there's a big difference between Superman, with his huge assortment of useful powers, and Aquaman, whose puny assortment of powers (holding his breath a long time, conversing with carp, and staying underwater without turning into a prune) are worthless.] [Did anyone else ever wonder why Aquaman and Green Arrow and Batman got invited into the Justice League? The feelings of inadequacy and envy had to be overwhelming, being surrounded by Superman, Green Lantern, Wonder Woman, Flash . . .

Superman: We need some new members. Some of our missions are too tough for just the four of us.

Green Lantern: How about this Green Arrow guy? He's good at archery.

Wonder Woman: Perfect. And we could use someone who talks to fish.

Flash: I hear this Batman dude is rich.

Superman. Okay. I'll send out the invites tomorrow.]

Their search pitches them into battle against the fallen angel Samael, a powerful adversary with a grudge against the gods [Gods, plural?] and a legion of demons on his side [and an inexplicable desire to see that Davey's brother is never found]. Samael is on a crusade for the same divine artifact and Armageddon. He'll stop at nothing to get them. But Zephyr's motives are hardly pure either and he uses Davey's growing affection for him as a means to an end. [A roll in the hay with a mortal.]

With her loyalty divided between the angels, [One angel is helping her find her brother, and the other wants Armageddon, and her loyalty is divided?] Davey finds herself at the centre of a war between ageless powers, powers to which her connection is a lot more familial than she knows. And, no matter what she does, Davey won't be able to save everyone she loves.

Angels in Atlantis is a new adult, mythpunk fantasy novel [Great, another genre to add to my list of labels. "Mythpunk Fantasy" now has as many representatives on this blog as "Novel in Verse." And only one fewer than "South American Atrocities."] [Also, no need to declare your novel is "new."] complete at 77 000 words.

My writing credits include a debut novel Dragon's Teeth (published by Divertir Publishing, LLC.) and numerous non-fiction articles, details of which may be found on my website: ____________________.

Thank you for the consideration.

Regards,


Notes

I think we can do without the backstory. Just say that an angel appears to Davey and makes her an offer she can't refuse. He'll help her find her missing brother if she'll help him navigate the modern world as he searches for . . . And this is where you explain why everyone wants the divine artifact, which I hope has a cool name like Zeus's Codpiece. Is the artifact needed to start Armageddon?

Without the cat and the thugs and the mother there should be room to focus on the main plot: the race to find the relic that determines the fate of the universe.

Why is the angel disguised as a cat, and why doesn't he reveal he's an angel as soon as he's alone with Davey instead of the next morning?

I think Davey's job should be oracle instead of janitor. If you're an angel who needs help finding something, you look for an oracle first, and then settle for a clairvoyant janitor.

Cartoon 967

Caption: anon.

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New Beginning 858

Journal, if I am going to keep you we need to get one thing straight. I am keeping you because I want to, because I choose to and because I wish to share my experience and pessimism with any travellers fortunate enough to find you (if there are any nuggets of wisdom in my words, I apologise for that now). Most importantly, journal, this means I am not keeping you because Miss Perfect Susanne asked me to. I like to think that more than a flimsy shopper’s notepad and bank pen lies between me and insanity, thank you very much.

I would also like to point out that I’m aware you are an inanimate object, even if I refer to you as ‘you’ – it’s just easier that way. Given that I’m one of probably only a handful of sane people left on this planet, I thought you’d understand.

Not that most people nowadays are insane; they’re just dead.

Dresser, don't think I can't hear you sneaking up behind me as I write this. That's an expensive hardwood floor you're tearing up. Just keep your distance, and if I need a pair of clean underpants, I know where to find you.

Television, you turned yourself on and now you can turn yourself right back off. Or at the very least, switch away from Jersey Shore re-runs. If there's any silver lining to the bizarre force that has breathed hellish life into Earth's inanimate objects, it's that reality TV "stars" were among the first casualties.

Toilet ... we need to talk.


Opening: Naomi Reynolds.....Continuation: jrmosher

Cartoon 966

Caption: anon.

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Cartoon 965

Caption: Voter

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Face-Lift 939

Guess the Plot

Office Preserves

1. A jar of blueberry jelly endures the boredom of shelf life until office worker Maria remembers the hapless jar. The action kicks into high gear when Maria drops the jar and it flees, gleefully rolling out the door, unaware it's leaving a vivid blue trail of goo.

2. After taking a tranquilizer dart to the neck and waking up in the corporate offices of the galaxy's top "preserve," where Rice Krispy treats are handed out by the ton, Toby fears he's to be a zoo attraction. But an alien named Freddie arrives and explains that this tourist trap is no zoo; it's a hunting ground. And Toby's the game!

3. Civilization has collapsed, thank God, and it's back to nature for the human race. Here and there a few people cling to the old ways in decaying networks of cubicles called "office preserves". But how long can they defend themselves against grizzly bears, feral humans, and tigers with a helluva grudge?

4. Everybody accepts sweet Donna Mae's gifts of strawberry preserves. She has hundreds of the jars lining her cubicles. But when coworkers actually open and taste the stuff, they suddenly realize what's become of all those missing temp workers.

5. 2125, Chicago. After the alien overlords from Beta Centauri have conquered man, they keep human zoos for educational purposes. The Sears Tower holds the most famous zoo of all: the Office Preserve, where Homo Nerdis can be seen in their native glory. Also, nerd sex.

6. After the Zombie Non-Discrimination Act passes, Oliver Penworth sees an opportunity to expand his formaldehyde trade. But when he hires a few of the undead, he learns valuable lessons about tolerance, respect, and proper ventilation in the workplace.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Toby’s trip to the zoo abruptly ends when he catches a tranquilizer dart in the neck. He awakens in the corporate lobby of Preser Tech, a place where Rice Krispy Treats are handed out by the metric ton, [To whom? Superman? Can anyone else even lift a metric ton?] secretaries are passed around like candy, and the CEO is an alien named Freddie who eagerly welcomes Toby to his new life – life in one of the galaxy’s best preserves.

Despite the alien’s sales pitch, Toby has no intentions of spending the rest of his life as a tourist attraction, upcoming season or not. [Not clear what "upcoming season or not" means.] What Toby doesn’t plan into his escape are the facts that the food is drugged, his coworkers are insane, [Why does he need to plan these things into his escape?] and his new secretary, [Did he have an old secretary?] Clarice, is obsessed with cutting out his eyes. All of that, however, pales in comparison when he discovers that conservation isn’t what this preserve is for; it’s for hunting. [Pales in comparison for him, maybe, but I'd rather keep my eyes and be hunted than have my eyes cut out and work in an office.]

Toby gets a crash course in survival while Freddie and his loyal patrons go on safari. To Toby’s dismay, he discovers that the only person who might know a way out of this place is his psychotic, knife-wielding assistant. Worst of all, he realizes, if he can’t find a way to placate her soon and pry [out] her secrets, life on the preserve is going to be a lot shorter than he ever intended. [He never intended life on the preserve to be any length, as he didn't intend to be there.] [Does the crash course in survival involve being hunted on this safari, or is he being trained to be the hunted on a future safari?]

OFFICE PRESERVES is complete at 75,000 words. [Bio]

Thank you for you time and consideration,


Notes

If Toby is essentially a prisoner, as suggested by his planning an escape, then why is he given a sales pitch? What are they selling him on?

I also don't get why he has coworkers and a secretary. What work is he doing? If they tell me that tomorrow I'm to be the prey in a hunt, but today they need me to file some reports, I'm not gonna be highly motivated.

Is this set on Earth, or has Toby been whisked to another planet?

We need to know how old Toby is and who your intended audience is. The plot sounds like middle grade, what with silly touches like Rice Krispy treats and an alien named Freddie. But if Toby's a kid, why does he need a secretary? And I wouldn't expect a kid's book to use the phrase "where secretaries are passed around like candy."

There are too many details that aren't important to the plot. I can appreciate wanting to show humor to set this apart from the many non-comedic stories in which man is hunted for sport, but start by summarizing the main plot (Toby's predicament and what he plans to do about it) with a logical progression of events. Later, if you have room, you can work in a few examples of humor.

Cartoon 964

Caption: Whirlochre

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Face-Lift 938

Guess the Plot

Supernatural Freak

1. A freak who can appear normal through supernatural powers loses those powers and chooses to move to the planet Freakoid, where freaks are normal and normal is freakish.

2. In the midst of investigating a supernatural serial killer, Robyn is hired to cure a child who is turning into a dead tree. Then she learns that she's the chosen one who must defeat the invincible entity known as "The Cloud." Ever have one of those days?

3. Move over, Superman! Supernatural Freak tracks down evildoers wherever they lurk, and converts them to a life of virtue and macrobiotic cooking.

4. On Halloween night, Ashley takes a shortcut through the graveyard and gets simultaneously bitten by both a vampire and a werewolf. Crap. This is going to put a crimp in her plan to snag All-American Josh Burrell as her prom date.

5. A vampire with an allergy to type O blood, a photosensitive werewolf, a wingless fairy and a ghost with anxiety disorder gather every week for group therapy from the hopelessly kind-hearted Dr. Mephistopheles.

6. High school sucks when everyone thinks you're a freak just because you can read minds. But when her lit class is taken hostage by masked gunmen, guess who's got to save the day? They won't be calling her a freak after this, right?


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

I am seeking representation for my 75000 word urban fantasy “Supernatural Freak". Think a Gothic novel by Wodehouse. [Sort of Monty Python does Wuthering Heights? I can't recommend calling it urban fantasy and then comparing it to a Gothic novel and aristocratic comedy. Even if that's what it is, the agent is interested in where it will be shelved and who will buy it, so call it a quirky urban fantasy or an edgy Gothic novel or a paranormal satire of the British upper crust.] Brought-up by a German father and a French mother, I [am lucky to be alive, and] have written a story of a heroine with a similar background.

A former editor, I currently work as a journalist for South West News, the biggest press agency in England. [One of Murdoch's puppet organizations, no doubt.] My website ___________has an average of 3000 visitors per month. [That's 100 visitors a day. I could start a site, put nothing on it except a counter, and get over 100 visitors a day. In fact, to prove it, I'm putting the site here, but don't click on it, because there's nothing there worth seeing.] [Any bio stuff that you insist on including should be at the end. Get to the book while the agent is still awake.]

Young Robyn Wise leads a complicated life. For a start, no one understands her jokes. [I have the same problem, except the people who don't get my jokes often threaten to kill me.]

Secondly, she speaks the Fairy Language, a unique gift, craved by every monster living in London, which doesn't benefit her health either. [Speaking any language is unlikely to benefit one's health.] [Well, there was that time when I wished I knew how to say "I'm not an American" in Arabic.]

When honest people go mysteriously missing and high-profile criminals are murdered by a supernatural serial killer, Robyn, an established paranormal expert, starts investigating [how to stop the disappearances without disrupting the streak of murders].

It's the usual routine, or so she thinks, until she's hired to cure a child turning into a dead tree, an ominous condition she has never seen before. [This sounds like a case for House:

House: Seven-year-old child, turning into a dead tree.

Chase: They need a tree surgeon, not a doctor.

Foreman: It's probably a case of hardening of the phloem.

Thirteeen: We need to get to the root of her problem.

Taub: I'll go out on a limb and say it's not Lupus.

Cameron: I knew I should've gone into a different branch of medicine.

Wilson: If there's no cure, the kid could be carved into a marionette.

House: Screw that. I need a coat rack.]

Her concerns are confirmed by a stranger claiming to be Francis Walsingham, once counsellor of Elisabeth I. [Is this set in our time or Elizabeth's?] [What's with all these one-sentence paragraphs?]

He tells Robyn that she's the incarnation of the Cat, the leader of the Twelve Spirits created to protect Fairyland from “The Cloud”, an invincible entity which can only be banished for 120 years. [Didn't you say Robyn's background was similar to yours: you who have parents who are French and German; she who is the incarnation of the Cat?]

Now, 120 years have passed and the disappearances, the murders and the tree-child are all signs that the Fairy Kingdom is threatened again, and only she can save it.

I can be reached by email at ___________ or phone at ________. I thank you in advance for your time and attention.

Sincerely,


Notes

The child turning into a dead tree is our best character since the architect who was falling in love with her house.

If they know the Cloud appears after 120 years, and they know when it was last banished, and they know the Cat can re-banish it, why didn't they seek the Cat's help before the murders and disappearances started?

I don't see the point of mentioning Robyn's background or yours. Neither seems relevant in the query.

There are too many paragraphs. You want to fit this on one page, but if you have a dozen skipped lines between paragraphs, that won't be happening. Put the plot in two or three paragraphs.

This is all over the place. Start over and focus on one story line. Clump the supernatural occurrences into the first plot paragraph and get to the part where Robyn must save the world. And check this out.

Cartoon 963

Caption: Wilkins MacQueen

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Success Story

King's Falcon reports: "'The Gorilla in the Phonebooth' (New Beginning 841) has been accepted by the Women Writing the Weird Anthology. It will be published by Doghorn Books with a tentative date of Halloween. Of course, EE and all the minions are thanked in the intro.
Thanks EE and all the minions. Your comments were on point and helped take this story to publishable level."

Face-Lift 937

Guess the Plot

Linked

1. Editing her webpage late at night, 15-year-old Wanda accidentally destroys the intricate network of blog links that supports reality. Now she has until dawn to restore the balance.

2. I am linked, linked to another—soul to soul, mind to mind, power to power. And when the beasts that live beyond the bark find me, I shall be in a race to save our souls. A race I'm not sure I can win.

3. Karenna is a Soul Magnet -- a being who attracts disembodied spirits from a secret realm. In Karenna's case, it's Jaynor, the Prince of the Realm, who was murdered by his evil uncle. Karenna can't shake Jaynor, which makes things awkward in her English class at Centerville High.

4. In an alternate 1850s America, the Lakota Sioux build a fence across the prairies to keep the pioneers out. When a young George Armstrong Custer accidentally gets lost on the west side of the fence, the medicine man Black Hawk, held hostage in Philadelphia, offers to guide the missing youngster home through dreams. And now President Millard Fillmore is having some odd dreams too.

5. Private investigators Amar, Shiv and Chiranveen are quadruplets who communicate telepathically with their dead sister Yami in order to solve crimes in Kolkata. Which comes in handy when American vampires tire of hamburger-flavoured blood and set out to snack on Indian street food vendors.

6. Memoirs of two breakfast sausages, one shipped to Waffle House and the other to McDonalds, and how they remain forever . . . Linked.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor...

Eyes follow my every move. [My sympathies. I, too, must suffer the paparazzi.] They stalk me from every corner of the forest—a forest that lives and breathes by its own set of rules. Rules I don't abide by or even know exist. [If you don't know they exist, how do you know you aren't abiding by them?] But when the beasts that live beyond the bark and between the branches cross into my world, everything changes.

In a blink, the hunt is on—the hunt for me. I'm ripped from the only life I've known for the last seventeen years and plunged into the heart of the forest. Into a world I've never known or imagined. [I usually recommend that authors put their bio at the end of the query and get right to their book. However, your bio sounds like it might be more interesting than your book. Have you considered adding a few characters and turning this into a novel?] A place where a thought is more than an idea, it's a weapon. A weapon I can control. And suddenly those sent to protect me are begging me to fight for the freedom of the Realm, for those who have tapped into the power of the mind—a race of people hunted and controlled by one of their own.

But the forest has other plans. Plans that could destroy the Realm’s only hope for survival.

I become linked—soul to soul, mind to mind, power to power—with another. [Who?] Another whom I would give anything to protect. [Who is it?] Anything to save. [Yeah, but who is it?] when the beasts that hunt me find me, I'm in a race not only to protect a forgotten people but a race to save our souls. A race I'm not sure I can win.

Linked is a 98,000 word Paranormal Romance Novel for Young Adults. It is a fast-paced, thrill ride that follows Anika, a seventeen-year-old orphan, whose soul is merged with the one sent to protect her. Together they will battle to save the Realm and save their souls. Or die trying.


Notes

If you are going to write the query in the first-person, and in the POV of a character (an idea I will discourage below), you should follow through to the end, i.e. put the last paragraph in the same POV:

Linked is a 98,000 word memoir that young adults should enjoy. It follows me, Anika, a seventeen-year-old orphan as my spirit merges with the one sent to protect me. Together we battle to save the Realm. And to save our souls.

If you switch to the author's POV in the last paragraph, the reader thinks, She was trying to be clever, but she didn't have the guts to carry it through to the bitter end. Whereas my way the reader thinks, She's too clever for her own good, but at least she's not shamefully gutless.


If you describe a fast-paced thrill ride, there's no need to tell us it's a fast-paced thrill ride. Unfortunately, despite the character being hunted by beasts, this doesn't sound fast-paced or thrilling.

It's too abstract/intangible/vague. You'd think a teenager would be more specific. I have to work to figure out what happens. And I worry that I'll have to work just as hard reading the book.

In any case, it's all set-up. Anika has been ripped from her world and plunged into the forest. Something called the Realm is at risk. She links with someone. That's not much to go on. If you could explain in concrete terms what her power is, what she and her soul-mate plan to do to save the Realm, what problems pop up, etc., we'd have a better idea if it's a story we want to read.

And since the author is in a better position to fill us in on all of this than the character, you're better off writing the standard business-letter query.

If it's a romance, put something about the romance into the query.

Also, while sentence fragments can be effective in stressing ideas, they lose their punch when they're used too often, i.e. when half the sentences are fragments.

Cartoon 962

Caption: Whirlochre

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Face-Lift 936

Guess the Plot

The Darkness Rising

1. A blockage in the sewer pipes below a ritzy apartment building has all the sinks and toilets in the building overflowing with sewage and sludge. Can corrupt apartment manager Vinnie Coleman figure out a way to blame the residents and pocket their security deposits?

2. An unspeakable evil lurks beneath Centerville High school and...oh, Christ, can't we come up with better names for these things?

3. Exterminator Mark never expected to fall in love when he was dispatched to eliminate some pests. Nor did he expect that his lover, Karen, would turn out to be a superspy. Now Karen must survive assassination attempts while Mark fights off an infestation that threatens to rise up and destroy the planet.

4. College student Leah Martin must stop the killing spree of a serial killer known only as The Shadow. But every step Leah takes toward The Shadow is a step toward her own dark desires.

5. The evil magician Kha-Cha'Hren controls a dragon that guards a crystal that was created by the god Hroth'Bil eons ago. Now the crystal's evil power is seeping upward and the planet's inhabitants turn to Princess Aleiainala for salvation. But can Aleiainala trust the ruggedly handsome rebel leader?

6. Addison Velrune's homework is eaten by a dog, Zack Martinez's detective agency is taken over by a canine unit, and a high-pitched signal from outer space turns all Jack Russell terriers on the planet from pets to predators. All will be resolved in Book 9.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

The Darkness Rising is my first novel of a planned trilogy, finished at 58,000 words after several large cuts and revisions. [I appreciate that you've saved me the trouble of making the large cuts and revisions, but that's not what I'd call a selling point. Plus, how do I know you didn't cut the scene with the wolfman and the naked coed?] A twisted plot littered with betrayal and deception along with a heartwarming tale of romance makes this science fiction novel stand out from the rest. [I hope you mean your book has plot twists rather than a twisted plot, as the latter doesn't sound all that flattering. Also, the word "littered" doesn't belong in your description. It makes me think "cluttered" or "soiled." I can't recall seeing the term "littered with" followed by anything except "corpses." Maybe "sprinkled," "infused," "peppered"?] [Better yet, dump the betrayal and deception, which set this apart from very few science fiction novels, and just mention the heartwarming romance.]

Mark and his brother John are exterminators of Sector 7, a government organization that eliminates dangerous indigenous organisms on a distant inhabited planet, Salvadon. [If exterminators from another planet arrived on Earth to eliminate dangerous indigenous organisms, guess what organisms would be the first to go.] During a mission, [I wonder if the Orkin guys refer to their visits as "missions"?]

they uncover a parasite, capable of transforming infected into creatures with intelligence beyond human ability or outright killing them in minutes. An ancient race known as the Ometrons developed the parasite to eradicate most of their nemeses and creators, the Arcadians, [Wouldn't it have eradicated only half of their nemeses, while littering the other half with the super-intelligence needed to destroy the Ometrons?] turning it against humans as both races fought in an eternal war over the fate of humanity. ["Eternal" is a big word for a war.] [Are the humans involved in this war? Because when there's a war, I've noticed it's hard to keep humans from joining in.] [By the way, which race wants humans to be eradicated, just so I'll know for whom to root?]

Humanity has no idea about the great war, [We're too busy with our own mediocre wars.] and Mark pays little heed to the seemingly feeble parasite [They uncover a parasite that can kill within minutes, and label it "feeble"? Obviously it didn't infuse them with super intelligence.] as he confronts something his years of training by his widowed father never prepared him for: love. Mark was not looking for love when he met Karen on a mission, but an immediate spark entwines them together. ["Entwines" makes me think they're all tangled up. Besides, sparks don't entwine. A spark could kindle a burning passion. Or a ball of love twine could have them ready to tie the knot.] Mark has no idea that she is an agent of Black Nova, the most notorious spy agency in the galaxy. [Who's in charge of ranking the notoriety of the galaxy's spy agencies? Also, is being notorious a good thing when you're spies? I would think you'd strive to be inconspicuous.] [You didn't see Napoleon Solo and James Bond getting into bar fights over whether UNCLE or MI6 was more notorious.] Her superiors reassigned her to use her position to steal classified government information, but she finds herself in love with Mark and doesn’t know what to do. [What's the conflict? Does Mark the exterminator have classified government information? Whose government are we talking about?]

Karen discovers she’s pregnant with Mark’s child after a mission puts him in the hospital, [He forgot the first rule of exterminators: Make sure you aim the can of Raid away from your face.] and she promises herself to quit the agency to raise her family. [If a couple is going to try to get by on one salary, who should quit, the one working for the galaxy's top spy agency or the one working for Terminix?] The ghosts of Karen’s past life come back to haunt her as she survives an assassination attempt, and the three flee to a safehouse. [The three, meaning Mark, Karen and their baby? Or Mark, Karen and John? John has such a small role, I recommend exterminating him from the query.] Mark unearths Karen’s true identity after a comrade was set-up, transferring Karen to her true enemies under orders of a covert defector in Sector 7. [You've lost me. Which probably means you've lost everyone.] Mark learns of technological information Karen stole from the Sector 7, information that the people who kidnapped her [She was kidnapped? Is that what you meant by she was transferred to her true enemies?] would do anything to extract. The parasite is on the verges [verge] of expanding to an epidemic as the government prepares to do whatever necessary to contain it; Mark vows to find her [, transfer her true enemies to the hereafter,] and send her to another planet before the parasite consumes Salvadon.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


Notes

The parasite won't consume Salvadon. After a while a lot of Salvadonians will have become super-intelligent and will figure out a way to eliminate it.

The plot description is too long. It's also confusing. Focus on the romance:

When Mark is sent to Salvadon to exterminate some pests, he falls in love with Karen, who just happens to be a superspy with a price on her head. Seems the Ometrons want her dead for siding with the Arcadians in the war to decide whether humanity should be wiped out by parasites or bombs.

When pregnant Karen is kidnapped, it's up to Mark, armed only with a garden fogger, an insect sprayer, and a bug zapper, to take down the Ometron Empire and rescue his true love.


Now add no more than five sentences explaining the plan and what goes wrong.

Cartoon 961

Caption: Redstar

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

New Beginning 872

She did not feel the knife cut. She did not notice herself bleeding. But she did see the look on his face as he thrust at her again and again. It was twisted. Maniacal. She still had a coffee in her hand. She was still in a commute mindset, trying to avoid offending others.

Suddenly another man who was not in commute mode. He picked up her attacker and threw him to the ground. The attacker backed up saying he was sorry, saying he wouldn't do it again, swearing he had rights. Linda was already on her knees.

The man kicked her attacker, then grabbed his wrist. He was ready for the knife thrust and her attacker screamed. It was a high-pitched wail, followed by cries of 'I've got rights, I've got rights.' But Linda Gurman was already lying down in a pool of her own blood.

“You can't have this one, brother. I will make her sleep and dream healing dreams.”

“I never take what's yours. It is always you who cheat me of whatever you can. It's one of your most endearing traits. But I am not after her. I am here for that man.”

Morpheus looked where his brother indicated. An overweight man sat dozing in the corner, drool forming at the edge of his open mouth, his hair slicked down like a wet otter. And those muttonchops . . . like the contents of the lint catcher on a clothes dryer had finally been cleaned out after six months and glued onto his jowls.

Morpheus was about to say, He's all yours, brother, when his iPhone dinged. He listened awhile, then said, "Sorry, you can't have this one either. Apparently he has a deal with the devil. Gets to live till he's sold every copy of Novel Deviations."

"Shit. You know what that means? He's virtually immortal!"

"True, but look on the bright side," Morpheus said. "Someone finally got the best of Satan."


Opening: D Jason Cooper.....Continuation: Evil Editor

Cartoon 960

Caption: Whirlochre

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Face-Lift 935

Guess the Plot

Dreamweaver

1. When her guardian is kidnapped by the god of nightmares, Penny must develop the ability to manipulate dreams in order to rescue him.

2. The well-known Adobe web-building application must lead a band of elite software products to save the world from the evil Emperor Analog. When Adobe is unable to decide on a single partner, PageMaker and Illustrator fully integrate with her in a seamless, turnkey solution.

3. A lonely programmer's quest to sell his website creation program to the world. Versus an unscrupulous group of hackers who want to keep website creation exclusive, and will stop at nothing to...stop him. Based loosely on the story of Adobe Dreamweaver.

4. Larry and Sam set out to be the best web designers in Milwaukee, but it all goes bad in a bout of rum-fueled madness in which Larry kisses their first and only client on the lips. Mistook him for a girl, somehow. Turned out he's a vampire. And now, so is Larry.

5. Just as Jayna finishes the sixth in her best-selling series, writer's block hits. Desperate to fulfill her contract, she resorts to weaving single plagiarized sentences from other books into one unified novel. And she would have got away with it, if it weren't for the nerd fan wiki started by those meddling kids.

6. The true story of Tennessee Walking Horse Dreamweaver, her devoted family, and their long journey to a national championship.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Penny can't sleep. Well, it's not that she can't, she just doesn't want to. [Are you aware that your second sentence would be unnecessary if your first sentence were Penny doesn't want to sleep? Of course you aren't. That's the difference between a writer and a world-famous editor.] Dreaming of an ocean full of bodies and one helluva scary dude every night is no fun at all. A strange guy named Nyxon shows up and can hopefully explain her freaky dreams. ["Strange" is vague. Either delete it or elaborate.] [And why is she hopeful that a complete stranger can explain her dreams? Who even tells a complete stranger her dreams?] Instead, he tells her she's not entirely human. [People tell me that all the time. I don't think they mean it as a compliment.] Then, her family-friend-turned-guardian is kidnapped and there's not much Penny can do about it without this stranger's help. [Didn't Penny's family-friend-turned-guardian ever tell her not to talk to strangers? She not only talks to this stranger, she's become unhealthily dependent on him.]

Nyxon is part human and part dream god – an Oneironaut – and has spent years training to become a leader of his kind. Now, he's been sent on a mission to find Penny, whom the god of nightmares, Icelos, finds very interesting. [Has he been sent by Icelos, or to protect her from Icelos?] When Penny's talents of manipulating the dream world start to equal his own, Nyxon isn't sure he wants to help her hone her powers. [Just when I was thinking Nyxon helping Penny find her guardian was the main plot, you've abandoned it for this rivalry over dream manipulation.] [Last I heard, Penny didn't even want to sleep; suddenly she's a master dream manipulator?] Another thing he'd like to figure out is why he finds her so damn fascinating. [The god of nightmares finds her very interesting and the dream god finds her damn fascinating. If you thought Frost/Nixon was tense, wait till you see Icelos/Nyxon.]

With the help of Nyxon and the other Oneironauts, Penny must prepare for what she might meet in the dream world in order to save her guardian. In her dreams, Penny sees things that make her think Icelos is not just a small-time kidnapper, but something much worse. [A big-time kidnapper.] [How does she know Icelos is the kidnapper?] And, while she is just discovering who and what she is, the god of nightmares is plotting to make his sinister dreams become reality.

DREAMWEAVER is a YA fantasy complete at 60,000 words. It is the first in a planned trilogy, the second of which is my current work-in-progress [and the third of which is my future work-in-progress]. (A sentence or two about why I am querying this particular agent) Thank you for your time and consideration.


Notes

What I gather from the Google Dolls (That's what I call the women I hired recently to do my Googling.) is that oneironauts study and interact with their own and other people's dreams, as in The Cell and Inception. Not that they're any kind of god. I suggest calling your dream god a dreamweaver.

How old is Penny? When I hear that name I think of someone no older than eight.

Why didn't Icelos kidnap Penny?

Are you wedded to the name Nyxon? Everyone's gonna think of Richard Nixon. It's like calling him Hitlur. Distracting.

I would start with the kidnapping. Then Nyck shows up and introduces himself as? And reveals to Penny that her guardian was kidnapped by Icelos? And that she can save him if he helps her hone her dreamweaving skills? Which he'll do if she agrees to be his girlfriend? Am I getting any of this right? Basically, focus on Penny's problem and her plan and what happens if it all goes wrong. And try to work in who Penny is. Is she a high school student? Do these gods who find her fascinating look like teenagers or old men?

Cartoon 959

Caption: John

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New Beginning 871

The small crowd applauded at the previous answer, the contestant sat with the others, all pretty, all done to the nines. Make-up just so, dresses all alike, smiles fixed on with Vaseline petroleum jelly.

“And now we'll hear from Miss Des Moine, Jennifer Haynes.”

Jennifer Haines walked up in stairs and to the microphone. She looked to the audience, her smile as in place as her brown hair.

“Distinguished judges, ladies and gentlemen. If I could be anyone in history, I would be Adolf Hitler.” The audience sucked its collective breath. “I don't think I could be as smart as Cicero, as courageous as Winston Churchill, or, alas, as honest as George Washington. But I would also not be as evil as Hitler, I could stand and say no to the things he did. I could turn away from wrong. And if the world seems to lack heroes, maybe it needs to start with people who will just say no to doing wrong.”

The applause was more than polite, it was stunned polite. People were out of sync, starting way too early or way to late, and sometimes starting, stopping, and starting again.

“Did you get that? Did you get that?”

“It's not like a war or sporting event, I point the camera and it gets all the action. Jeez, Jekkie, like I don't know what I'm doing.”

“It's not like that, Henry. I'm going to lead with this, tonight. It's gold.”

"I'll admit it was refreshingly original," Henry said. "But no one will care unless she wins."

"She'll win. The parade of Abe Lincoln and Sarah Palin wannabes was putting everyone to sleep."

The contestant had returned to her seat and Miss Cedar Rapids had moved to the microphone. "If I could be anyone in history," she said, "I would be Osama bin Laden."

Jekkie's mouth hung open. "You gotta admit one thing, Henry," he said. "For once the Miss Teen Jewish Princess of Iowa Contest is worth covering."


Opening: D Jason Cooper.....Continuation: EE/Anon.

Cartoon 958

Caption: Redstar

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Face-Lift 934

Guess the Plot

Outcasts of Velrune

1. In a totally unprecedented twist, it turns out that the gritty underground resistance to a feelgood totalitarian society is actually where it's at. The kickass heroine doesn't know whom to trust. And the fate of a planet hangs in the balance.

2. Kal'Ta'Rel, Herenvas, and Jolue are sentenced to hang for the murder of popular Dike Nakora. But before they can swing, the wizard KarKaChel frees them, sending them stumbling down the street. Now all they have to do is kill that pesky demon, Archy.

3. When the frontier planet of Velrune decides to clean up its act, it banishes a prostitute, a procuress, a drunk, and an infamous gambler. The four hapless Outcasts, led by the gambler, meet up with a pair of runaway lovers. The rest is history. If you can call something that happens in the future history.

4. Three Velrunian criminals are exiled to the Gohr prison planet, Lycus IV. Of course, what passes as major crime on Velrune (spitting on the sidewalk, undertipping a waiter) doesn't exactly prepare one to live among mass murderers and cannibals. Can these three plucky outcasts not only thrive, but rise to lead a revolution?

5. On a distant planet known as Velrune, humans are supposedly coexisting with Lacarna, a race of human-like beings with cat features. But the humans have enslaved the Lacarna, and a plot is afoot to wipe them out. It's up to two teens, one a human and the other a Lacarna, to prevent genocide . . . and find true love.

6. The nerds and fat kids and skaters are high school outcasts on Earth, but on Velrune it's the athletes and preppies and beautiful people who are outcast. Can Muffy and Landon show the world that there's no stigma to being being attractive and popular?


Original Version

My 84,000-word novel, Outcasts of Velrune, is a fantasy adventure set in its own world [We assume a book is set in its own world.] and features two races, Humans and Lacarna. [The first sentence of a query isn't the place to work in the number of races your novel "features." I'm sure Dan Brown's query didn't proclaim in sentence 1 that "The Da Vinci Code features one race: Humans."] The Humans are like us, [We assume Humans are like us.] with the exception of a few that live for centuries. [If the only difference is that a few of them get older than we do, you're spending too much time contrasting them to us. Basically, they're us.] The Lacarna are Humanlike, [Okay, I think I've got it now. The Humans are like humans, whereas the Lacarna are Humanlike.] but have ears, tails and claws similar to cats. [Ah, the Lacarna are like the performers in Cats.] [Saying a race is Humanlike when it has ears, tails and claws like cats is like saying they're catlike but with arms, legs and heads like humans.] [Or, to get my point across more clearly, it's like saying, They're Humanlike, but with an elephant face, a giraffe neck and a stegosaurus tail.] A few Lacarna can transform into large [Humanlike] panthers. [Out of curiosity, are we going to get to some characters and a plot?] Both races can learn to manipulate the spirits that exist in all living things [and are fascinated by yarn, while neither race has an interest in horticulture or Creole cooking].

The story centers on Maxwell, a 16 year old Human boy, and Evangeline, a 15 year old Lacarna girl. When Max is 6, his father is murdered by bandits. [Once you've declared Max to be 16, you might want to use past tense for the part when he's 6.] Max is raised by his god-father in a small village where he meets and befriends Evangeline. It is Max’s goal to become a Protector, like his father before him. The Protectors are the peacekeepers of Velrune. [Also known as the SS.]

It is not long on Max’s journey to join the Protectors that he learns their ideal [idea?] of peacekeeping is to enslave the Lacarna. [This is the plot of Avatar. Are the Lacarna blue?] He and Eve must both confront the ideals and rules between the races to maintain their friendship. ["Confront the ideals and rules between the races" means nothing to me. Do you mean they must endure racial prejudice?] Once Max does join them [He still joins the Protectors after learning that they're enslaving the Lacarna?] he is given a simple mission that leads him to other characters who sit on one end or the other of the Lacarna/Human issue. [I'd rather know what his mission is than that it leads to his meeting other characters.]

These other characters relay [relate?] the history of Velrune and the differences of the two races. ["They have tails and claws. We don't."] A plot by the Protectors to eliminate the Lacarna is uncovered and Max even learns that his father was in league with another Human to overthrown [overthrow] the Protector leadership.

In the end Max chooses to help set the Lacarna free and destroys the leaders of the Protectors. [He's a kid. Are his spirit-manipulating super powers stronger than the Protectors' powers?] As he and his friends set out to reorganize the Protectors [That was the problem with the Protectors: poor organization.] they are greeted by a mysterious woman who claims her kind created both races and placed them into a small section of the planet. She had been watching the two races to see if they could learn to live together. With Max’s recent actions she decides they are ready to enter into the rest of the World so opens a gap in the surrounding mountains. [Lemme get this straight. The mysterious woman has been watching to see if the two races can live together. When one race enslaves the other she's still on the fence. But when one 16-year-old kid decides to destroy a few of his own kind to impress a girl, this proves that the races are compatible?] We leave Max and Eve [Maybe he should be called Adam to avoid comparisons with the biblical Max and Eve.] ready to venture into the new world as an accidental kiss brings the two closer together. [Sorry, I didn't mean to kiss you. I . . . tripped.]


Notes

We need less about the races and a stronger focus on the main characters.

These sound more like different species than races. Are they identical other than the cat features?

So the mysterious woman's people decided to try an experiment: create two races, identical except that one of them has tails and claws? To determine what? Do the Lacarna lack opposable thumbs? Because all other things being equal, it seems like those claws would have given them a big advantage over the Humans.

Cartoon 957

Caption: Whirlochre

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Success Story

Dave F. reports that his short story based on the April 2010 Charity Date Auction writing exercise (http://evileditor.blogspot.com/2010/04/charity-date-auction-1.html) has been accepted for publication in Joe Jablonski's anthology "FIRST CONTACT IMMINENT" at Red Skies Press. The "Call for Papers" is open until 23 December 2011 for any minion with a story. http://redskiespress.proboards.com/

Face-Lift 933

Guess the Plot

Insulin Junkies

1. At a camp for diabetic teens, someone is playing games with campers' lives. Did one of the counselors sneak in a pecan pie? Or is there a killer on the loose? Also, an incontinent dog.

2. Thanks to genetic engineering, the war on drugs is finally over. People just can't get high anymore . . . until eighteen-year-old 'Bones' Jackson hits on the bright idea of selling insulin to the local kids. Also, a corrupt dentist.

3. Diabetic cop Duke Davis has seen it all, but when he catches wind of a string of murders carried out using insulin as a weapon, he's plunged into the murky world of...INSULIN JUNKIES!

4. Hito is the leader of a group of Japanese schoolkids fleeing Fukushima who become morbidly obese on California public school system food. When puberty triggers their genetic metamorphosis into blood-sugar craving vampires Hito realizes their dependence on high fructose corn syrup-infused victims means they can never go home again.

5. It started as a support group for diabetics. But now the tavern is on fire, Miss Laverne's petunias have all been trampled, and twenty pissed-off seniors with low blood sugar and Vespa scooters are terrorizing the sleepy village of Hamlet. Can Constable Cymbolist Mack stop them before they destroy everything in their hunt for low-fat snacks?

6. In the late '60s, earnest diabetic Lori Steinman sets out on her bicycle from West Quoddy Head, Maine, to cross America and prove women don't need no men. At the same time, addict Mike "Sugarman" Sanders sets out on his Harley from Cape Alava, Washington, to cross America and bed as many women as he can. What happens when they meet in Wichita is a secret, but it's sure to astound you.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Eva knows something’s wrong long before the doctor diagnoses her as an insulin junkie, a.k.a. a diabetic. [A doctor calling a diabetic an insulin junkie before she starts on insulin? That's like the time I told one of my psychiatrists I was thinking of starting a small press and she called me a heroin addict.] No seventeen-year-old wakes up having wet the bed for the fourth time in as many days and thinks, “Yep, this is totally normal.” [I would think, I gotta stop drinking a six pack and taking three Ambiens right before bedtime.] [No need to put quotation marks around something not spoken aloud.] She’s blamed it on the mildly incontinent dog that sleeps in her bed, but there’s no fooling a blood glucose meter. [I can't tell if she blames the dog when her mother notices the sheets are wet, or if she blames the dog because she's in denial. It seems like you mean the latter because of the "no fooling a blood glucose meter" comment, but it seems to me that whatever she wears to bed would be wet, thus getting the dog off the hook even without the glucose test.]

The diagnosis ends Eva’s plans for a post-graduation road trip [to Hershey's Chocolate World]. Instead, she’s off to Camp, [You might want to name the camp, if you're going to capitalize the word.] where the counselors are fellow insulin junkies and every bunk bed comes with a syringe of Glucagon. It’s meant to teach teenage diabetics to take care of themselves, and Eva goes only to placate her grieving mother. [Implying that she doesn't think she needs to learn to take care of herself?] ["Grieving" seems a bit strong. Maybe "distraught," "fearful," "worried"?]

Two of the counselors – known by their Camp names, Rider and Natron – take it upon themselves to teach the lessons not sanctioned by Camp administrators, things like how the campers function with dangerously low blood glucose levels, how alcohol affects diabetics, and how to skirt the rules. Eva, fascinated by Natron and unfortunately attracted to Rider, listens eagerly. [Delete "unfortunately" or explain it.] But when one of the ‘lessons’ puts someone in the hospital, Eva has to figure out who she can trust to teach her about diabetes…and who’s playing with all of them.

INSULIN JUNKIES is a 65,000-word contemporary YA novel. The first five pages follow this email. I’ve had type 1 diabetes since 2000; I also have three YA nonfiction books published: The Diabetes Game (Rewarding Health, 2005), Teen Dream Jobs (Beyond Words Publishing, 2003), and It’s Your Rite (Beyond Words Publishing, 2003). Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,


Notes

This sounds like a story that will appeal to teens who identify with Eva, and others as well.

The last plot paragraph needs to clarify what it's saying. I'm not sure if you're saying Rider and Natron are teaching secret things a teen diabetic needs to know, even though they aren't sanctioned by the administration, or if they're teaching how to get away with actions that are potentially dangerous. I can't tell if "skirt the rules" refers to rules diabetics must adhere to to stay healthy, or camp rules, like No going in the boys' tent after dark. I can't tell if "playing with all of them" implies that someone is intentionally trying to harm them.

In other words, is there a villain? Is it a mystery? Someone is responsible for someone else ending up in the hospital, and no one is confessing? Is someone in the hospital from a forcibly administered Glucagon overdose or from eating a hunk of cheesecake on a dare?

You might want to cut your set-up to one paragraph: When seventeen-year-old Eva is diagnosed with Diabetes, she cancels her post-graduation road trip and registers at Camp ___________, where the counselors are fellow "insulin junkies" and . . .

That gives you an extra paragraph to fill us in on what's going on in this camp: the conflict, the danger, the stakes, the romantic angle.

Cartoon 956

Caption: Jeanne Lowery Meeks

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Face-Lift 932

Guess the Plot

Duty and Death

1. When Lillianne's father tells her she's to marry the Duke of Gloucester's son, she can't believe he's serious. No man could be more wrong for her. A daughter's duty? Ha! She'd rather die. Better yet, the royal oaf must die.

2. Customs official Temika Wright is used to people trying to sneak something past her with a bland "nothing to declare." But an odd-smelling suitcase arouses her suspicions. What's the duty on a corpse?

3. Raised to be a cold-blooded assassin, the daughter of a tyrant has been tasked with marrying and then killing her father's enemy. But she falls for the guy. Is duty to her country (and her deranged father) reason enough to kill the man she loves?

4. Steve Billings isn't afraid of combat-- quite the opposite. But he has a deathly susceptibility to heatstroke. When his unit is due to ship out to Iraq, Steve is faced with a conundrum. No one is asking; should he tell?

5. Matthew plays pro poker, Mandy cross-dresses and Boutie never learned the multiplication table. And their Customs and Border Protection office now has to share space with the IRS. Wackiness ensues.

6. St. Peter's longing for a vacation - after all, he's the only one in heaven with no time for harp-strumming. When a soul arrives with exactly 50.0000% qualifications for Heaven and the same for Hell, St. Pete jumps at the chance to take her on a road trip around the cosmos until she tips the balance one way or the other.



Original Version

Dear Agent,

Skydra is a killer. [That sounds like the name Sea World would give to one of their killer whales.] The daughter of a deranged tyrant, she is supposed to be the delicate weapon her father has molded her to be. [A wordy way of saying she's been molded into a weapon.] A conscience isn’t something he counted on, nor does he suspect she has the ability to hear her family’s thoughts. [Has she always had this power? Because I can't imagine a six-year-old kid realizing she can hear people's thoughts and not telling anyone.] Moments of split consciousness allow her access to the thoughts of others and have made her a silent observer to the atrocities of her father – including her own mother’s death. This gift now shows her that the man she is supposed to marry and kill is in no way worthy of that fate. As she begins to know his mind, she finds her task more and more difficult. Soon she is unsure if she will be able to fulfill her father’s demands, and duty to her country, by killing the man she is growing to love.

DUTY & DEATH, my YA romantic fantasy novel, is complete at 87,000-words.

Thank you for your time and consideration.


Notes

Not that I think you should rewrite the book, but wouldn't the conflict be more agonizing if Skydra couldn't hear people's thoughts? The fact that she knows, rather than suspects, that her target is a good guy and her father is a deranged wife killer makes her decision somewhat easier.

Why is marrying her target part of the plan? They've gotten to know each other, so I assume there's been an opportunity to kill him before the wedding day.

The last two sentences of the plot paragraph say the same thing. And what they say is already implied by the sentence that precedes them. Thus I suggest dropping them and adding two or three sentences about how Skydra plans to resolve her dilemma. You might also work in who the target is and why Daddy wants him dead. And use paragraphing for the plot.

Why specifically say Skydra can hear her family's thoughts, when she can hear anyone's thoughts?

Does she have any family besides her father?

If the "Death" in the title is the same death that's her duty, the title is sort of redundant. Usually a title in the Blank and Blank format has two different items surrounding the "and." For instance, War and Peace, Love and Death, Dumb and Dumber. Skydra's choice is Love and Duty or Duty and Conscience.

Cartoon 955

Caption: Redstar

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New Beginning 870

They say you can never go back home. ‘They’ weren’t standing at Exit C of Mumbai domestic airport with thirteen years of their lives crammed into a trolley. Beads of sweat trickled down to my elbow and I straightened my spine trying to compose my face. I wanted to make a good first impression on my mother: we had met last when I was four.

Aimee arrived breathless in a standard-issue floral print and a, “You’re looking so tall, Alia!” squeal though she had visited me just last year at Dune’s school.

I looked past her beaming face at the expectant faces of people in the arrivals waiting area. A tiny prick of tears started up in a corner of my left eyelid. I bent down to fumble with my bag irritated with myself when a uniformed man darted forwards and took my suitcases and shoulder bag away.

“Your mother is waiting for you at home,” Aimee said quickly, “and your father is in Delhi on a very big shoot,” her voice hushed to a whisper, “it is like that only when you’re…” she looked around suspiciously. “Come come so much traffic.” She waved ahead.

A shiny black Hummer was boorishly parked right across the exit.

“At least we’re not blocking half the road,” I said.

But Aimee was already making a beeline for the Hummer, so it was just as well she didn’t hear me.

I blinked to clear the tears from my eyes, but could not focus in the heat. The Hummer had come to a screeching, rubber-skidding halt and there hung the body of my grandmother sprawled across its grille, clinging to it as if she’d just hopped on for a ride, the hump of her backside jutting out like a . . . hump.

“Aimee.” I bawled until my face was crushed into a musky madras shirt. I couldn’t breathe. I thought I heard her. I thought I saw ‘them’, as I pulled my face away, slinging her over the luggage on their cart.

“You can’t go home,” someone said, and I knew him for one of ‘them’. The sweat was really running off of me now, flooding down my legs.

What made ‘them’ so elusive one could capture their words, but nothing more? Words instead of a home, security, family, instead of love. For thirteen years ‘they’ had waited, probably camping out in my old room, just to dismantle everything, just to be sure there would be no home for me to go back to. And now 'they' had Aimee.


Opening: Karishma Attari.....Continuation: anon.

Cartoon 954

Caption: Khazar-khum

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Face-Lift 931

Guess the Plot

Slumber

1. A beautiful princess is woken by a kiss from her handsome prince but all she wants to do is catch a few more years.

2. It's only two weeks till the big event of the year - Katie Rossi's slumber party. But a mysterious sleeping sickness is sweeping the school and kids are dropping like drowsy drosophila. Maybe Katie shouldn't have chased those fairies off her poppy garden.

3. Grant, Sevars and Tony are in a 60's folk band stuck in the Summer of Love. Trouble is, they're vampires--and while neither they nor their music may have aged, the same can't be said of the fans. Also, lots of panty-tossing Boomers.

4. In a wonderful land called Slumber, which she visits when she's asleep, Kate Isley meets her identical twin. Kate's life has been sucky lately, so she agrees to switch places with her twin for a while and stay in Slumber. But the twin turns out to be a ruthless murderer. And guess who's gonna get the blame? Also, a bird-watching gas station clerk.

5. 17-year-old Rafer Winslow awakens after 200 years, in a future where global warming has literally fried everyone's DNA so they are incapable of sleep and must "relax" wide awake with the assistance of dangerous drugs. Scientists are the hunters, Rafer is the target, and every 16 hours he has to find a secure place to hide so he won't be captured while he sleeps.

6. When Kelly McKinney, spokesmodel for the Sit & Sleep chain of mattress superstores is found headless and stuffed into a pink Laz-E-Boy, homicide detective Zack Martinez knows two things: the security guards were asleep on the job, and maybe it's time to get him & his wife one of those fancy tempopedic mattresses.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor:

Seventeen-year-old Kate Isley can't sleep. Haunted by the car accident that killed her old brother a year ago [Come on, he couldn't have been that old.] and left her scarred, her only comfort stems from a bird-watching gas station clerk and a bottle of whiskey. Until her mysterious therapist places her under hypnosis.

Once hypnotized, Kate gains access to the land of Slumber, a vivid dream world where her brother is alive, [she's married to the bird-watching gas station clerk,] her runaway father is home, and her scars are gone. Everything is perfect again...if only the buzzing of the alarm clock didn't yank her back to reality each morning. But when Kate meets Lilia, a girl who appears identical to Kate in the dream world, she's offered an opportunity to escape her crumbling life.

The deal: Kate would live in Slumber while Lilia would awaken to reality. Thinking the switch will be temporary, Kate chooses to live in the dream, where she's free from her guilt over what happened the night her brother died. But as Kate's forced to watch Lilia take over her real life, she soon discovers Lilia isn't the sweet girl she presented herself to be. Lilia will do anything to get what she wants, including murder.

Kate's dream quickly turns into a nightmare. She must warn those she loves about her replacement before it's too late. But how can she reach them when she's trapped inside her own subconscious? [Enter . . . the parrot. Turns out birds have access to both worlds, so Kate sends a parrot to tell the bird-watching gas station clerk that her evil twin Lilia plans to pour whiskey all over a gasoline pump and toss a match onto it. But will the bird-watching gas station clerk believe the parrot's incredible tale, or will he just find it an amusing novelty act?]

There are two sides to every dream... [If you're going to make that line a full paragraph, I suggest making it the first paragraph. That seems to be the standard place to put vague hook statements.]

Slumber is a YA psychological thriller complete at 55,000 words. Think Black Swan meets Inception for teenagers. [I have a feeling if I tried to think of that my head would explode. Can't we just say it's like the His Dark Materials trilogy?] My short stories have appeared in Monkeybicycle, Staccato Fiction, Word Riot, and Pank. I currently work in the publishing industry. [As what? Better to say nothing than to say something so vague it sounds like you're hiding the fact that you're the janitor at a greeting card manufacturer.] May I send a partial or full manuscript?

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


Notes

Lilia will do anything to get what she wants, including murder. But what is it she wants? That seems like a vitally important point to include.

The story idea sounds like a winner. The query seems a little long. We can eliminate the movie titles, at least one of the one-sentence paragraphs, the bottle of whiskey, and, alas, the bird-watching gas station clerk.

Calling the therapist "mysterious" leads us to ask a question you don't answer. For purposes of the query, maybe we should just say that she's haunted by the accident and sees a hypnotherapist. We don't need to suspect that there's something mysterious about the therapist.

So Kate thought the deal was that she would spend all of her time in Slumber until she got past her guilt feelings, and then would switch back with Lilia? But the deal turns out to be that she spends only her sleeping hours in Slumber--which she was already doing--and her waking hours are still spent in the real world, except that Lilia has control of her body? Actually, it's a better deal this way, because Kate knows what's going on and can try to stop it. If she spent three months exclusively in Slumber and then returned, she might find herself on death row. And the claim that her evil twin killed all those people probably wouldn't fly.

Cartoon 953

Caption: ril

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New Beginning 869

Clotilde clutched the dead man's wallet as if it could save her. She shoved her way through the slow-moving commuters with a single focus: get to the river. She should never have risked the Tube, never allowed herself to become surrounded by people. Tears pricked her eyes as she thought of home with its plentiful dark streams trickling through the wooded glen. A soft moan gathered in her throat. She swallowed and ran up the stairs, hoping desperately that she was moving away and not towards. Finsbury Park station seemed to be a maze of bright white tunnels and stairwells. Hard-edged people whirled around her in a blur. She stumbled against the soft give of leather shoes underneath her feet as she pushed her way up and out, searching for the exit. A ticket inspector stepped forward then looked at her face and waved her on. She burst through the brightly-lit corridor and bolted out, her hand at her throat.

As her eyes adjusted to the bright daylight, Clotilde looked around to get her bearings. People thronged around her, unaware of who she was or what she was doing, all except one: observing, judging, filming her every move.

But Clotilde hadn't prepared for the task at hand, and her mistake was such a basic one: Finsbury Park was miles from the river. Could she hope get there ahead of the others? Sick to her stomach, she was sure of only one thing: The Amazing Race was getting more brutal with each passing year.


Opening: Sylvia.....Continuation: anon.

Cartoon 952

Caption: anon.

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