Face-Lift 406

Guess the Plot

Return to Empire

1. In World War III, the United States manages to lose Hawaii, Puerto Rico, and Guam to . . . get this - Brazil. Fidel Castro is still dictator in Cuba, and the Philippines are completely under water. But Biff Duckwater plans to change all that.

2. The long voyage was over, and, finally, Alexander was able to return to his throne. But someone was ruling in his stead and claiming to be him, someone more like Alexander than Alexander! WTF?

3. A foundling child leaves his poor but honest foster parents to seek his fortune in the wider world. A seemingly chance encounter with a mysterious stranger, in reality the court magician to the deposed emperor, sets in motion a chain of events that leads our hero on a quest that, though filled with unspeakable dangers, promises a reward of unimaginable scope. Also: two more volumes.

4. 15-year-old Katie is heir to the throne of the Empire. When her father dies, she leaves Earth and warps to the Empire where she does battle with her cousin and with a villain known as . . . the Upstart. Also, an army of geeks.

5. In 2011 scientist Mark Jeffries creates a time machine to bring young Queen Victoria to modern London. But once she arrives, she refuses to quietly settle down with the handsome Mark, and instead tries to engineer a return to Empire for Britain.

6. Dress designers Aunt Tessie and Uncle Perry discover that their daughter, Antonia, is really the Queen of the ancient order of Faeries and their son, Guillaume, is the Staten Island Faerie. Also lesbians.


Original Version

Dear Agent,

Katie is fifteen, outgoing and confident and, now that her father's been murdered, the heir to the throne of an empire. [Who was the heir before he was murdered?] Her father was overthrown by her cousin once removed. Katie tries to stay on Earth, where she grew up, but her cousin might destroy it to be rid of her. [Destroy the Earth? That's like burning down your house because there's a mosquito in your bedroom.] [Some 15-year-old girl's cousin has the ability to destroy the Earth? What exactly are his powers?] The safest course is for Katie, her mom, Brandon and Krystal use an elgon – a gray man who is one of the bodyguards of the Emperor - to warp themselves to the Empire. [You seem to think we know who Brandon and Krystal are.]

Katie finds she understands the Empire and its way of doing things far better than she understood Earth. [Where is this Empire?] She sets about building a coalition with which to take power. [She's the heir to the throne. Why doesn't she already have power?] But she is unlike other Emperors in waiting. She will not accept proskenesis, [If you're going to make me look something up in the dictionary, at least have the decency to spell it right.

Me: What's proskenesis?

Dictionary.com: There's no such word, perhaps you meant progenesis?

Me: How do I know? I didn't write it. Plus, I don't know what progenesis is, either.

Dic.com: It's precocious sexual reproduction in a trematode worm in which metacercariae or sometimes cercariae may lay eggs capable of repeating the life cycle.

Me: That could be it; what else you got?

Dic.com: How about pyrokenesis?

Me: I used to think I had a decent vocabulary.

Dic.com: It's the ability to set objects or people on fire through the concentration of psychic power.

Me: I don't think that's it . . . though I think the book would be better if it were.

Dic.com: Wait, I've spotted something in reference.com/encyclopedia. Proskynesis. Something about bowing down to people of higher rank. It's a Persian thing.

Me: Hmm. Nah, I don't think so. I'll go with the screwing worms.]

she is polite to slaves, [Excuse me. If you don't want to be whipped within an inch of your life, you'll clean out the horse stalls . . . please.] she treats the elgons as actual people, and she refuses to let her followers undertake military actions.

Katie learns her cousin is a puppet for even darker forces: the civilian slaughters of recent years had a hidden agenda of mind control. The Upstart is distracted by making clones of himself and killing them. [While that is one of the great sentences in query history, I don't know what it means or what it's doing there.] [You seem to think we know who the Upstart is.] She learns She discovers that the elgonen who protect her are her ancestors; former Emperors taken at the moment of death and put into this state. Katie is determined to save and then reform the Empire.

Fending off the Upstart's assassination attempts, she gathers the groups she needs. But when the Upstart kidnaps her to try to make her an elgon, Katie convinces the captain of the capital ship used to control the process to join her cause.

The geeks, commanded by her friend Brandon, [The geeks? Are they geeks?] blanket the area with messages that all taxes paid to the Upstart count for nothing and the same debt will remain to the true Emperor. [Is Katie the true emperor?] The groups who follow her, like food sellers, transport workers, war veterans and followers of the planet's Wiccans, both of whom have many types of jobs, give that section of the Empire its first taste of a general strike. [This is way too long. I can't believe anything in that paragraph is essential to the query.]

The empire sends a fleet and confronts Katie's ships. To stop them Katie has herself made into a living elgon. [The Upstart kidnaped her to make her an elgon; now she's doing it herself?] It's dangerous, but it allows her to phase through reality like they do. She and the elgonen enter her cousin's ships and disable their weapons. [I remember that part from a Star Trek.] Some ships defect to Katie and she gets about a fifth of the Empire under her rule: she can show what kind of Emperor she is.

Return to Empire is a YA SF novel complete at 60,000 words and I understand from your website you handle this type of work. My previous writing credits include seven books including [novel] and [novel]. I enclose the first three chapters as sample.

Thank you for your consideration, I look forward to hearing from you.

Yours sincerely,


Notes

A villain who goes by "The Upstart" doesn't leave me quaking in my boots.

You're telling us too much of the plot. Your goal is to interest us in the book. Too much information is as bad as too little. Try limiting yourself to ten sentences. It'll help you see what's necessary and what you can cut. And of course I don't mean ten sentences that list key events; ten sentences that take us logically through the one main story line.

Make it clear what being heir to the throne means. She doesn't seem to have the throne, and goes through hell just to get control of one fifth of the Empire.

Face-Lift 388

Guess the Plot

Second Time Around

1. The term leftover takes on a new meaning when food critic Vera LeBlanc dies from a bad meal. Her assistant must prove the death wasn't an accident. But first, he, too, must learn the hard way that no food dish is good . . . the second time around.

2. When Tess Malone answers her ringing phone, she's plunged back in time eight years. Will she have to live those painful years over again? Either way, she vows to learn what all the buttons on her iPhone do before pushing them again.

3. An outcast caveman who is reincarnated in New Haven, CT in the mid 1940's must fight his primitive instincts if he is ever going to become the modern president his father failed to be.

4. Alexi was born in the frozen hinterlands of Russia, where he worked hard and died in poverty. In his second life, Alexi was born in the frozen hinterlands of Norway, where he worked hard and died in poverty.

5. Gay divorcee Wesley Welsey left Harry for Barry two years ago. When he tries to recreate the magic of his first love on Bali Bali, he finds that love is lovelier and fun is funnier - the Second Time Around.

6. Rookie Nascar driver Brett Kilgore had the lead after one lap of the Daytona 500, but when veteran Bobby Joe Hitchcock's girlfriend tosses a grenade on the track, Brett realizes he may not make it a . . . Second Time Around.


Original Version

I read on AgentQuery.com that you are interested in women's fiction. I am hoping you may be interested in my novel Second Time Around (women’s fiction; 94,000 words). I invite you to review my manuscript and consider representing me.

When Tess Malone answers her ringing phone, she’s plunged backward, to a time when her life seemed much simpler. [A time when there were no telephones.] [Idea for a story: Woman picks up telephone but forgets to dial prefix; just dials 1875. Suddenly she's transported to 1875. In order to return to 2007 she must inspire a drunken Alexander Graham Bell to lay off the sauce and invent the telephone. She succeeds, but she failed to recall that the concept of zero had not yet been discovered in 1875, and the phone dial has only 1 through 9. Brilliantly, she dials 2111, planning to then use a phone to return to 2007, but when she appears in 2111, she's on a Pacific island where natives decide she's a witch, and sacrifice her to the volcano.] [I should have used that as one of the Guess the Plots; no one would have believed someone made it up.] [Someone write that up and submit it to Asimov's; we'll split the payment.] After eight years, Jim Tidwell has decided to track down and get reacquainted with the woman he kicked out of his life. With one phone call, the floodgates between the past and the present have opened. Like all floods, the havoc that ensues affects everyone. [Except people who live on houseboats.] [I don't think "opening the floodgates" is the right expression. It usually means everyone will be doing something that wasn't previously allowed. I can't tell what your flood consists of.]

In Second Time Around, Tess is given the opportunity to step back into the arms of the man she thought she loved eight long years ago. [Given the opportunity?

Jim: Tess, baby, long time no see. I know I broke your heart eight years ago, but let's face it, it was kinda your fault. Anyway, all is forgiven, and you can have me back.

Tess: Are you serious?

Jim: Well, I do have conditions.]

She hesitates, questioning his rationale for phoning her, and her rationale for letting him back into her life. But when her questions deepen, and no answers are forthcoming, Tess realizes she must revisit the past, those painful first years after the breakup, and discover why her heart has stalled. Through the reading of her journals, she comes to recognize that she’s been living her life on the fringe ever since that fateful day Jim broke things off. [The fringe of what?]

Even though she’s overcome the death of both her parents, [a brief fling with Alexander Graham Bell,] a debilitating dance with alcoholism, [You have a bout with alcoholism; you dance with the one who brung you.] and a move across the country, she now faces the most daunting choice of her life: whether to stay in the shadows, or fully embrace life and walk in the light once more [; whether to latch back onto the scum responsible for her being in the shadows for eight years, or to laugh in his face; whether to forgive him for deciding to sow his oats for eight years, always assuming he could have her back whenever he felt like it, or to invite him over for a healthy serving of arsenic casserole] .

[Jim: Tess, I was a fool. It took eight years of playing the field, making love with thousands of women, to teach me what I should have known all along: you're the only woman for me.

Tess: Are you serious?

Jim: Yeah, thousands. Hard to believe, huh?]

Second Time Around gives us a glimpse into one woman’s journey through the decisions of the heart; both the heart of the past, and the heart of the present. The novel shows a woman willing to finally stand on her own for what she wants, rather than wait on the people in her life to show her what is best for her. [Vague and wordy. What does she want, and what did the people in her life think was best for her?]

I am a member of RWA, PRO-status. This is my fifth completed (unpublished) novel. I am unmarried with a grown daughter in her junior year of college, and recently relocated from Cleveland to California.

I’d be happy to send you a complete manuscript for your review. Thank you for your time. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Respectfully,


Notes

Frankly, the time travel and arsenic casserole scenarios sound more interesting. You've taken a lot of space just to say that Tess must decide whether she'd be happy with the total loser she thought she loved eight years ago. That situation can exist in a suspense, paranormal, historical, contemporary, or comedic romance. We want an idea of what happens in the book, not just the situation Tess finds herself in. Do they meet? Do they have jobs? What century is it? Do they go somewhere together? Is there a vampire? Surely it's more than dialogue and journal entries.

Face-Lift 359

Guess the Plot

A Cold, Dark Place

1. Painfully shy Norbin Wartly gets a part time job as a custodian in the Coroner's Office. But will his quest for love lead him to . . . A Cold, Dark Place?

2. The coldest, darkest place Lester Hobbs can imagine is the deep freeze in the basement. That’s where he keeps donor sperm samples after he collects them from drugged patients at the Harris Gloams mental hospital. Maybe the deep freeze isn’t the coldest, darkest place after all.

3. When a rival mold colony threatens to destroy their own, Spanky Spore and a ragtag group of misfits embark on a quest to the outer reaches of Hvacia to find help. If they can survive the high winds and lethal UV lighting, Spanky and his companions just might be able to convince the legendary Elder Warriors of the Evaporator Coil to join their cause.

4. A trail of clues has Laurel and Jackie chasing the sick bastard who killed a boy and drained his blood. But as they break down the last door, will they be capturing a killer, or entering the cold, dark lair of a vampire? Also, another vampire.

5. When he’s bad, Tommy has to take his “timeouts” in the old root cellar. His dad thinks spending time in a cold, dark place will make Tommy think before he misbehaves. Maybe so, but Tommy has tunneled to Marcie Stellar’s house next door where they play “doctor” and “house” and “guess the body part in the dark.” Needless to say, Tommy can take all the hard time his old man can dish out.

6. Two mice named Guildenstern and Rosencrantz, trapped in a refrigerator, debate the merits of Swiss Cheese versus Cheddar, whether rats really are as bad as people say, and why it gets very bright for brief periods of time. Also, a fly in the mayonnaise and an elite squad of militant cockroaches.


Original Version

I am looking for representation for my paranormal suspense manuscript which is complete at 118,000 words. A bit on the dark side, with emotionally troubled characters, and a different play on what it means to be a vampire, A Cold, Dark Place should appeal to mystery, suspense, and vampire novel readers alike. I read that you are currently looking for this kind of story.

FBI agent Jackie Rutledge has a dead boy on her hands. Some sick bastard had drained him of his blood. [Let me guess. The conversation goes:

Jackie: The victim has no blood.

C. Chan: Two possibilities. Possibility one: After murdering boy, killer risked discovery by hanging around another hour to drain victim's blood into large bucket through tiny puncture marks on neck.

Jackie: And possibility two?

C. Chan: Vampire.

Jackie: Don't be ridiculous. I'll tell the boys to be on the lookout for a sick bastard carrying a giant bucket of human blood.]

PI Nick Anderson was the sick bastard that Jackie and her psychic partner, Laurel suspected of killing the boy. [Do they suspect him because he's a sick bastard? Or is he a sick bastard only if he's guilty?] [I don't think I've ever received a query letter in which the term "sick bastard" was used so often so early . . . Though I do seem to receive more than my share of personal letters in which the phrase is tossed around more freely than I'd like.] Only, he knows who the real killer is, and knows that the FBI is no match for him. Nick knows because he has the same need of the killer; the need for blood. [We all need blood. The difference is that for some of us it's a life force, carrying oxygen to our brain cells, fighting off infection, supplying nutrients, and disposing of waste. For others it's a refreshing beverage.]

Jackie has spent her ten years in the bureau catching sociopaths, poor substitutes for the one she was never able to catch as a child. Laurel is the only agent who knows her past, and has enabled Jackie to keep it from boiling over into her current life. Nick has been chasing the killer for 140 years now, riddled with guilt over the death of his family and what he allowed himself to become in order to catch him. [Or rather, to not catch him.] [If you've spent 140 years at something with nothing to show for it, perhaps it's time to try a less-demanding task.] He refuses to be the one thing that will allow him to catch [the sick bastard named] Cornelius Drake. [You just said he allowed himself to become something in order to catch him. Now you say he refuses to become what will allow him to catch him.]

When Drake makes Laurel one of his victims, [The psychic gets killed? Shouldn't she have seen that coming? (Sometimes my job is just too easy.)] Jackie’s life begins to fall apart, and despite his best efforts to push her away, Nick finds that he needs her help if Drake is going to be caught. [In the beginning you claim Nick knows the entire FBI is no match for the killer. In the end, you claim he needs the help of only one agent to capture Drake.] Their trust for one another is pushed to the ultimate limit when they are trapped by the killer and only one option for survival remains. He must accept what he is and take them both over to the world of the dead where Drake has even more power than in the realm of the living.

Notes

So for the 140 years Nick has been chasing Drake, he hasn't accepted what he is?

The plot sounds interesting, but it's hard to tell, as the description is too general in places. Give us more specifics.

The plot might be more clear if there were fewer pronouns. Those last two paragraphs have so many his's, her's, him's, he's, she's, their's etc., it becomes work trying to figure out who's who.

Normally a murder isn't enough to bring in the FBI. But with paranormal aspects and a sociopath hunter, this is like The X-Files meets Criminal Minds. Jackie is Dana Sculley and Nick is Jason Gideon. At the beginning of each chapter Nick quotes a famous historical figure he actually knew, and Jackie refuses to believe what is painfully obvious.

Face-Lift 357

Guess the Plot

The Ivory Tower

1. An actual tower made of ivory looms metaphorically over a dying land in which zombies and an ice goddess try to keep a young wizard and a guy named Harold from saving the world from a mysterious plague. Also, gnomes.

2. After years of planning, Jason finally opens his upscale BDSM club 'The Ivory Tower'. But when the mayor dies in the dungeon, Jason and his clientele are branded immoral killers. How will he prove he's really the town's whipping boy?

3. The world outside her window beckoned, and Professor Horn fled The Ivory Tower to experience another way of life. Now that she knows people have to work hard out there and no one is impressed with her credentials, she can't wait to go back to her cluttered office in the Economics Department.

4. Big game hunter Dirk "Blowgun" Pratt spends a year trying to poach the elephants of the savanna armed with an empty toilet paper roll and a supply of licorice jelly beans. But the gentle animals lose patience with Dirk's shenanigans and impale him upon their tusks for a ride on . . . The Ivory Tower.

5. Ivory Tower is the hottest thing to hit Triple-X since Busty Bundtcakes. Everyone thinks Ms. Tower’s name is due to her pale Scandinavian skin and her phenomenal height, until they see her perform! It seems that Ivory is equipped for every occasion.

6. Homicide detective Zack Martinez loathed the conceited professors at the local university. And not just because he lost his ex-wife, Marie, to Marcus Denethen, head of the History department. When Marie and Marcus are discovered naked and drained of their blood in the stacks of the school library, suddenly Zack becomes a suspect.


Original Version

All David wanted was a simple life and time to grieve. When his mother died and his sister ran away, there wasn't time for such self-indulgence; the same plague claimed his uncle Merric—the town's priest and David's magical instructor. [Whattaya mean "the same plague"? You haven't mentioned a plague.] From the age of ten, he worked night and day to shield his hometown from sickness and famine.

Five years later, life has settled down, and he wants nothing more than to settle down with it, spending his days chatting with local farmers [I can buy into a world in which magic is real, but a fifteen-year-old kid who wants nothing more than to chat with farmers? Come on.] and honoring local gods. It is not to be.

His coming-of-age ceremony is interrupted by Harold, a traveler who claims to have known Merric. He confirms David's suspicion that Merric was not a hedge-mage [Hedge-mage: a gardener who's a wizard with pruning shears.] but a full wizard, and reveals what Merric never had the chance to: a prophecy that holds only David can heal the spreading wasteland in the east. David protests, but when he learns that the plague was actually spell sent by his enemies, [David has enemies? He's a kid; how did he get enemies?] David realizes he has no choice but to leave home.

Soon he's headed east to unearth the Book of Life, a spellbook with which he is meant to heal the land. Adventuring life isn't easy. He is attacked repeatedly by bandits, gnomes, and undead. [Undead?! There's your hook, right there, and you've buried it in the middle of paragraph 4. You've also left it somewhat vague. The reader can't tell from the word "undead" whether you're referring to people who are vampires, people who are zombies, or people who are alive. Just as a science fiction author will refer to normal people as "humans," hoping the agent will think, Ooh, humans, I wonder what they're like, and request the manuscript, a fantasy/horror author will refer to normal people as "undead," hoping the agent will think, Ooh, undead, could be zombies, and request the manuscript. It's a ploy as old as the hills, but it continues to pay dividends.] To save a friend, he must risk his soul confronting [Hillary,] the Ice Goddess herself. When he finally reaches a safe haven, he learns that he has been challenged to a duel [He learns this? If you're gonna challenge someone to a duel, etiquette demands you do so in person, not place a personal ad.] and has two months to make up for five years of missed training. [Two months?

I challenge you to a duel.

Accepted. When?

Let's see, my inlaws 'll be here the rest of the week, and I'm already dueling Rodriguez next Friday . . .

I've got two weddings the week after that.

Now we're running into the holiday season.

Gimme a call in a couple months, I'll see if I can clear some time.

You're on.]

David learns to deal with physical assault, but the real dangers aren't physical. [I beg to differ. The dangers are always physical when there are zombies around.] He soon discovers that everyone has secrets, and he doesn't know where to turn.

Harold, the leader, [The leader of what?] is secretly the eastern prince—and even more secretly, adopted. [More secretly than secretly? ]

Raven, the bitter sorceress, is in fact his lost sister, transformed beyond recognition by her lust for power.

David was raised to mistrust wizards and hate kings, [I was raised to trust Mr. Wizard and to love Elvis.] but is on his way to becoming both. Neither Raven nor Harold told him that the Book is not just a tool of healing—it's the weapon with which he must unify the continent.

None of this prepares him for the greatest betrayal of all. When he finally reaches the ancient spellbook, he meets the writer's ghost and learns the final secret. The prophecy was a fraud, penned only to coerce him into service. [Is this a betrayal of David or of the reader?]

The Ivory Tower is a 120,000 word humorous fantasy that addresses the question: "What happens when the prophecy isn't true? When the unlikely hero is really is unlikely?" [Come again?] It's a broad satire of quest stories—the Smalltown Savior, the Thing of Power, and the Lost Heir are all here, and all tweaked so as to reveal their underlying absurdity. Comic relief comes in the form of David's sardonic first-person narration, [If you need to put comic relief into a comedy, it's not funny enough.] but the story is not simply a big joke. It's also a coming-of-age tale about the value of choosing one's own goals and making one's own way.


[Title Note: The Ivory Tower is an actual tower, made of Ivory, that existed long ago. Although they never visit the site, the tower looms metaphorically over the characters. To Raven, who has spent years searching for it, it represents magical knowledge. To Harold, the adoptive prince, it represents his nation's fallen grandeur. [To me it represents 250,000 dead elephants.] Most tellingly, it was both built and destroyed by the Book, and serves David as a symbol of the dangers of power.]


Notes

I'm not in the camp of those who believe a humorous book demands a humorous query. But it should at least describe situations in which the reader can see the potential for humor. The book you describe sounds like the book you're supposedly satirizing. I'm more interested in how the plot's been tweaked to reveal the underlying absurdity.

To make the query funnier, always refer to Harold as "a guy named Harold."

It's too long, and it has so many paragraphs, you'll end up skipping about ten lines. Combine some of the short paragraphs. And don't bring in so many plot elements.

The third paragraph was well developed, each sentence following logically from the last. The fourth paragraph is a list of events, no development, and less interesting. Two or three well-developed paragraphs makes a more impressive query than a lot of underdeveloped ones.

Face-Lift 347

Guess the Plot

Bear Tamer

1. They call Vincent Forrester II the Bear Tamer--he knows how to make money even when the market is down. But when it comes to love, he's never been serious until Tatiana comes to work for him. Can this fiery Russian tame the bear tamer?

2. A seventeen-year-old girl--and her bear--is the only hope of the world as an evil tyrant seeks to unleash a plague of destruction. Also, a werewolf.

3. When Milton Griggs answered the ad in the South Spockett Gay Times, he never dreamed "Bear" would turn out to be Mr. Griffith from the filling station. Not that he's complaining, mind you.

4. A teenager befriends an enormous bear, and together they defeat an evil dragon which has terrorized the countryside for generations. Injured in the battle, he's taken to a nearby noble's house, where the elderly nurse recognizes him as the long-lost heir to the throne.

5. Jim and Larry live in a trailer near Jackson, Wyoming. Their favorite game is "bear tamer," but Larry's tired of being the bear, and Jim refuses to switch. Maybe it's time to go fishing.

6. What if the Indians had been able to domesticate Grizzly Bears and built an empire out of “bear-power” before the Europeans first arrived? This alternate history novel not only explores the ramifications of the Great Bear Empire, but extrapolates it out to the 22nd Century, as the “Old World” struggles to break free from the yoke of the Bear Empire’s dominance.


Original Version

It’s been one thousand years since the “plague” nearly eradicated the population of Mayall’s world. Is history doomed to repeat itself? BEAR TAMER is a 99,000 word fantasy, adventure novel.

Far away from her home, [Whose home? Oh, Mayall's. I figured Mayall's world was an artificial moon or an amusement park.] at the root of civilization, trouble is brewing in the form of a narcissistic tyrant. He is intent on controlling the world with a power that grants his needs and wants, the same “plague” that destroyed the world so long ago. [I see "plague" is going to be in quotation marks each time we use it. Meaning, it's not really a plague; it's a "plague."] One mysterious woman is on the hunt for a hero who will defeat him, but time is getting short as the tyrant’s power continues to grow.

Mayall is the most skilled archer among the bear tamers at the age of seventeen. Her brother, on the other hand is a clumsy pain-in-the-butt, a surly boy passionate only about his solitude. When refugees file into Mayall’s mountain home they tell of frightening occurrences that have driven them from their farms: unnatural storms, vague messages carved into trees, and werewolves. [Werewolves? Did you say werewolves? Suddenly you have my attention.] The tamers and the refugees are baffled by the attacks, [What attacks? You haven't mentioned any attacks. I guess we're supposed to assume that where there are werewolves, there are attacks. See, that's the trouble with being a werewolf. Even if you're a good werewolf, you have to hope the bear tamers are on the ball, because you just know you're gonna get blamed for any bear attack within fifty miles.] but too frightened to do anything about it.

In a desperate urge to take action, [In desperation,] but without proper volunteers, the council of tamers and refugees [The refugees just got there. Already they're part of the council?] agree to send one person [an improper volunteer, apparently] for information. [Conversation in the council of tamers and refugees:

The tyrant grows more powerful every day. The "plague" is upon us.

We're desperate. The world was destroyed last time this happened.

I suggest we pin all our hopes on one person.

Yes! One person.

But what can one person do against such massive power?

He can gather information.

Ah!]

When that one volunteer dies under the paws of her bear, Mayall takes his place, dragging her guardian, Eas, and pain-in-the-butt, Kufa, into the far west. [Let me get this straight. The council chooses a hero, but before the hero can do anything, Mayall's bear kills him? Mayall, the great bear tamer? And now, despite this monumental screw-up, Mayall becomes the replacement hero, instead of being locked in the pillory?] [Does her bear go on the mission? Or did they put it down after it killed the hero?] She is determined to gather more than just information. [What else will she gather?] Justice must be served.

The three fight through sieges, brave the storms, tackle the werewolves, [ponder the vague messages carved into trees, and] evade mercenaries, while facing the accusation placed on the bear tamers for the attacks. [Who is accusing the bear tamers? The werewolves?] The mysterious woman [You keep calling her that. What's so mysterious about her?] tracks them down with the answer they’ve been looking for, the location of their true enemy.

The woman bestows her special gift on Mayall. The gift grants her the ability to see into people’s hearts and awaken their highest potential. [Of course, awakening the highest potential of someone destined to be a sculptor or a florist doesn't do much good against Mohrgonn, lord of the dark realm.] [I think I know what's mysterious about the mysterious woman: her "gift" is capable of bringing down Mohrgonn, yet it never occurs to her to just bring him down herself.] With this she confronts the enemy that has taken over her world, accused her people for it, and killed her parents. [Hello. My name is Mayall. You killed my father. Prepare to die.] Unknown to Mayall, her enemy is aware of her ability, and plans to use her as a puppet in his scheme. Their battle is a battle of will. In the end, the real hero may be someone never suspected. [If you mean the clumsy pain-in-the-butt brother, I suspected him from the beginning.]

Enclosed is my SASE. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Revised Version

When refugees file into Mayall’s mountain home, they tell of frightening occurrences that have driven them from their farms: unnatural storms, and werewolf attacks. A thousand years ago a similar “plague” nearly eradicated the population of Mayall’s world. She wonders: is history repeating itself?

As the crisis worsens, Mayall sets out to find its source, accompanied by her brother and her guardian. The three brave storms, battle werewolves, and evade mercenaries as they make their way to the root of their civilization, where a tyrant with great magical power is intent on controlling--or destroying--the world.

Unknown to Mayall, her enemy awaits with open arms, planning to use her as a puppet in his scheme. But Mayall has powers of her own, and carries the hopes of her people. What follows is an epic battle of wills upon which rides the fate of a world.

BEAR TAMER is a 99,000-word fantasy adventure novel. The manuscript is complete and available on request. Thank you.


Notes

It was too long. If you aren't going to tell us anything Eas and Kufa do, you may as well leave them out. The revised version is short enough to allow you to add a few bits of important information.

Speaking of Eas, what kind of "guardian" agrees to let their teenaged ward go off in search of the lord of the dark realm?

What kind of first name is Mayall? Did you consider naming her Clapton? Leadbelly?

"The "plague" is a power that grants the tyrant's needs and wants? Can you be more specific? Are the storms and werewolves and vague messages on trees part of the "plague"?

Your plot is: A teenaged girl who's an archery whiz takes on a powerful evil overlord with only her ability to look into hearts and bring out the best in people. (Let's hope she also has her bow and arrows.)

What's the importance of taming bears? The only thing a bear does in the query is kill one of the good guys. Why do they tame bears, and why are they so bad at it?

There's too much vagueness. What are Mohrgonn's powers? What information do they send the hero after?

How does Mayall use or plan to use her gift? To look into the heart of Mohrgonn, and bring out his good side? To turn his minions against him? To convince other people to join the fight? Make it clear how her abilities are useful.

Face-Lift 270

Guess the Plot

Sunshine Kids Make Money

1. Ten-year-old Sam and his nine-year-old sister Trixie are sick of lemonade stands and dog-sitting. They need some real dough to support their gummy worm habit. Good thing their mom doesn't know about the fake panel in the basement wall--the one that hides their printing press.

2. Although he's an adult, Ivan signs up for a door-to-door sales program called The Sunshine Kids, to try to make some extra money. But when his sales route leads him to a dead body, he decides solving the mystery would be even more fun.

3. A gang of nocturnal art students, the "Sunshine Kids" figure how to make money. Lots of it. They design fabulous bills and print as needed. This works great because no one knows what real money is supposed to look like anymore and Sunshine bills are a lot more attractive than what the Treasury makes. Can Special Agent Dunbar put a stop to it?

4. Julia Pettigrew says the sun shines out of her kid's nose. Boris Llewellyn says he'd pay to see that. Hilarity ensues.

5. After courageously unmasking the 911 widows as the opportunistic whores they are, Ann Coulter is back with a new hard-hitting investigation into the seedy corruption of this “non-profit” organization for child cancer patients. Find out how the Sunshine Kids are raising your taxes, destroying your liberties, and why it’s mostly the fault of the terminal children themselves.

6. Three enterprising children set up a stand on the beach, selling SPF 43 sun screen at a 200% markup. They make a killing and retire millionaires at the age of nine.


Original Version

Dear Agent Thingy:

I would like to invite you to consider representing my darkly comedic novel SUNSHINE KIDS MAKE MONEY. The book is rather difficult to describe, but here's my best shot: (In pitch form, of course.)

The nameless twenty-something narrator doesn’t really like people. He doesn’t like cars, either. He hates fish and likes to smell everything. He has a subscription to EQUESTRIAN DREAMS, but doesn’t own a horse. [So far you're describing Evil Editor.] He hates Tuesdays and loves Wednesdays. His grandpa left him a house when he died. His grandpa was killed by a lawnmower. He has no idea what alcohol is and he hates small talk. Coca cola commercials frighten him and he talks to his toaster.

[Nameless Twenty-something Narrator: This English muffin isn't even lightly browned! I set you on dark, and this is what you give me? I should have gone with the toaster oven. Sure, it was more expensive, but I'll bet it could have toasted an English muffin. Two at once, in fact. You do this on purpose. Wednesday's my favorite day, and YOU'VE RUINED IT! THIS ISN'T EVEN WARM ENOUGH TO MELT BUTTER!! Was it something I did? Okay, I haven't emptied your crumb tray in ages, and you're probably feeling a little scummy. And there was the time I put a bagel in you and it got stuck. Hey, it's not like my life is without minor irritations. You don't know what I have to put up with. Like pedestrians at crosswalks who amble across the street when they don't have the WALK sign, preventing me from going right on red. If they're in such a big hurry they can't wait for the light to change, WHY AREN'T THEY RUNNING?! HURRY UP! Either you're in a hurry or you aren't, MAKE UP YOUR MIND! People get shot in traffic arguments in California, so don't think I won't run you down, and I'm not kidding!! I'LL KILL YOU!!! I'm gonna give you another shot at toasting this muffin, because I know they take longer than regular bread. I don't know why they take longer, it's one of the unsolved mysteries of the universe, that and why my car keys ARE ALWAYS IN THE POCKET ON THE SAME SIDE AS THE HAND I'M HOLDING THE GROCERY BAG WITH!!! Another thing I have to put up with: people who get the good seats up front at the basketball game and stand up whenever anything mildly exciting happens, forcing everyone behind them to stand up. SIT DOWN!! What's the matter, CAN'T YOU SEE?!!! ARE YOU BLIND?!! YOU WEREN'T HAVING ANY TROUBLE SEEING A MINUTE AGO! Somewhere behind you is someone with a broken leg or a sleeping baby or in a wheelchair who can't jump up EVERY TEN SECONDS!! YOU PAID FOR YOUR SEAT, SIT IN IT! What's that smell? Smells like fish. Disgusting. Have you been toasting fish?!! Did Grandpa put fish in you? That senile old bastard. No, wait, he's dead. I killed him with the lawnmower. Hey, it was an accident. SHUT UP, YOU WEREN'T THERE!!! Oh, and do I have to bring up people at rock concerts who yell and whistle in the middle of songs? The performers are surrounded by powerhouse speakers, with blinding lights in their faces. They can't hear or see you, SO SHUT UP!! Sit down, shut your face, and show some appreciation for the hours of rehearsing the performers put in just so they could put on a quality show. I didn't pay seventy bucks for a ticket to listen to you, WHISTLING AND SCREAMING RIGHT BEHIND ME!! See what I mean? You don't have to put up with that kind of crap. No, you just sit motionless on the kitchen counter, like the big glass jar with grandpa's head in it. You don't even do the one thing I got you for. And after I freed you from the cardboard box that you'd probably still be trapped inside if I hadn't come along. Maybe if you had to watch Coca Cola commercials, or put up with some of these drivers who can't make a right turn into a driveway without practically coming to a complete stop, so that I, who was a half mile behind them when they started slowing down to turn, end up slamming on my brakes or swerving to keep from ramming them, you'd appreciate me more. GET YOUR CAR OUTTA THE ROAD!!! MOVE IT! STEP ON THE GAS PEDAL!! For Christ's sake, where's the ding? Where's the pop-up? WHERE'S MY FRIGGIN' MUFFIN?!!!

Toaster: Hey DIMWIT, did you ever consider shuttin' up for five seconds, and PLUGGIN' ME IN?!!!!!]

No one knows what’s wrong with him, because he’s never been to the doctor.

It could be the result of being raised by his insane, senile grandfather. [Is this a query letter or a psychiatric evaluation? Stop listing stuff about the narrator, and get to the plot. Does anything happen in this book? So far we know nothing (although the talking toaster was cool.)]

Maybe he’s just nuts.

Maybe not.

See the world through his eyes as he becomes obsessed with an immoral door-to-door sales program called The Sunshine Kids. During his quest to become a top sales person and win a mountain bike, he discovers a dead body in an alley near his house. He shifts his focus and becomes determined to discover the killer and solve the mystery. (Didn’t I mention that he loves mysteries?) [Amazingly, no; the one character trait you failed to mention is the one relevant character trait he has.]

The world he occupies is offensive, sick, dark, complex and maybe a little crazy. Okay, maybe it’s very crazy.

The first chapter has recently been published in an issue of the online journal EDIFICE WRECKED. I am a recent college graduate with a degree in History Education. My brother and co-author, ___________, is a professional actor/comedian in the Minneapolis area. He is also the In-Arena Game Host for the Minnesota Timberwolves. You can learn more about him at _____________. [If I contact him, will he tell me the plot?] I would be delighted to have you represent me. If you would like to read a sample of my novel please contact me at your earliest convenience at ________________. Thank you kindly for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you. [The credits paragraph is too long, considering it has little info an editor or agent will care about.]

Sincerely,


Notes

As one of the Guess the Plotters points out, there is an organization called Sunshine Kids, presumably not immoral, so you might need a new name for your own group.

J.D. Salinger revealed to me not long ago that the only reason he gave Holden Caulfield a name in The Catcher in the Rye was so he could start his query, "Holden Caulfield doesn't really like people," instead of "The nameless teen-aged narrator doesn't really like people." Also, when book reviewers describe your plot, they prefer to use the character's name rather than "the nameless narrator," which gets annoying after the third or fourth time. Guess the Plot writers also need names. Would it kill you to give the guy a name?

If you condense your opening into something like

Ivan Gotaname doesn't like people, fish, Coke commercials, or Tuesdays (maybe it's the result of being raised by his insane, senile grandfather, the one who got killed by the lawnmower). But he does love a good mystery.

Obsessed with winning a mountain bike in an immoral door-to-door sales program called The Sunshine Kids, Ivan stumbles upon a dead body. He drops everything, determined to solve the case.

That's as much of the plot as I know, but you know the main storyline, and now you have plenty of room to describe it.

My version makes it sound like Ivan is a kid. Of course, what's a twenty-something guy doing trying to win a bike? Why doesn't he just buy a bike? What's he doing in a program called The Sunshine Kids? Maybe Ivan should be a kid.

Face-Lift 264

Guess the Plot

Mathias Corvinus and the Dragon's Order

1. When drab Brother Mathias (the Crow) Corvinus condemns as lascivious the peach colored habit of the Passerine sisters, Sister Erithaca lodges an appeal with Abbot Draco. Soon the Passerines are tricked out in flame red, royal blue, and grass green. And they are breathing fire.

2. 22nd-century genius Elmer Mars devises time travel technology that he hopes to use to save the planet from the lasting blaze of religious zealotry. His plan: convince the 15th Century King of Hungary, Mathias Corvinus, to crusade against the Ottoman Empire and win with secret modern weaponry.

3. Second violinist Mathias Corvinus can't forget legendary conductor Carmen Dragon's advice: "Take up plumbing, car repair, anything but violin!" But he realizes it was more than just good advice when his Pinto bursts into flames over a sewer pipe on the Santa Monica Freeway.

4. Mathias Corvinus discovers that he lived centuries before, in the land of Myrddin, and was killed by Queen Lilith. Now he lives again, and the Queen is a member of the faculty at his university. Coincidence? Or opportunity for revenge? Also, a vampire.

5. Young Mathias Corvinus enlists in the army looking for fun, adventure and $60 a month. But he gets more than he bargained for when the lovely Major Melissa Dargonne, alias "The Dragon," yanks him off the firing lines and puts him on a very personal detail.

6. Obsessive-compulsive King of Hungary, Mathias Corvinus, acquires a hoard of battle dragons with which he plans to conquer the thieving bloodsuckers of Wallachia. The invasion backfires, however, when King Mathias insists, against the dragonmaster’s expert judgment, that the pink one should go first, then red, and then green.


Original Version

Dear Agent,

"I wish I was a vampire..." [Evil Editor wishes you authors would get right into your books, instead of leading off with personal information.] [Be careful what you wish for. Some agents are bloodsucking monsters who'll grant your wish gladly.]

As a 13-year-old street kid, Mathias "Matt" Corvinus had no idea that one wish would change his life, forever. You see, this is not the first time Mathias Corvinus walked the earth. [Some sources don't insist on capitalizing "Earth," but all the other planets get capitalized, so I say Earth should be too. True, other planets are named for gods, but so is the element mercury, and we don't capitalize that, so godness alone doesn't justify capitalizing. If any planet should be uncapitalized, it's Pluto, a hunk of floating debris about the size of a Hummer 3. Earth, one of the four best planets, should be capitalized.]

[Planets listed in reverse order of quality:
9. Pluto (dropped to 9th after recent humiliating downgrade.)
8. Jupiter (It's all gaseous; that's not a planet, it's a giant fart.)
7. Mercury (Skin cancer capital of the solar system.)
6. Neptune (There's a limit to how far even I will go for great seafood.)
5. Mars (Moved up from #7 thanks to War of the Worlds and Snickers bars.)
4. Earth (Would be #3 if it weren't home of Rosie O'Donnell.)
3. Saturn (My favorite day is named after it. Also, cool rings.)
2. Venus (Only planet named after a babe.)
1. Uranus (Never underestimate the comedic potential in Uranus.)]

Centuries before, Corvinus was the vampire king in the lands of Myrddin who met his demise when he willed himself to death after Lilith, the queen and mother of all vampires, tortured him. [How does one become the mother of any vampire, much less all vampires?]

Dying in an alley, a victim of a drive-by shooting, Matt made his wish. As he takes his last breaths, his wish is granted by none other than Vlad Tepes III, otherwise known as Dracula. [That was his wish? That Vlad Tepes III would happen along and be unable to resist a free meal?] But becoming a vampire meant more than just exposed necks. Matt must deal with learning how to survive as well as having to go to the "University", the only school in existance for vampire children. [Also, the only school with all night classes.]

[Classes at the "University:"

Hematology--Tips on improving blood flavor. For instance, a wedge of lime squeezed onto the victim's throat before dining can be most refreshing.
Periodontics--Preventing fang loss.
Zoology 101--Bats, Bats, Bats!
Geography 101--The Transylvanian Alps: Earth's Wonderland.
History 160--Bram Stoker: Historian, or Sensationalist?
Speech 101--Vherein ve vill teach you to pronounce the letter "w."

To make matters worse, the vampire world believes Matt to be their idol

[Songs heard on Transylvanian Idol:

"Drac the Knife" (Bobby Darin)
"Addicted to Blood" (Robert Palmer)
"Oh, Vladdy" (Fleetwood Mac)]

simply because he bears the same name as their beloved king. After having nightmares about being tortured by Lilith, Matt discovers that he was the legendary figure the vampires believe him to be. [Discovers how?] When he finds out that the Queen is a permenant faculty member at the school, Matt ambarks on a quest to get her to admit to her reason for torturing the first incarnation of Mathias Corvinus, and ultimately, causing his death. [That's his great quest? To discover her motivation for something she did hundreds of years ago? Maybe she's just evil to the core. We want to see him seeking revenge, not better understanding.]

Mathias Corvinus and the Dragon's Order is a 65,000-word young adult fantasy. I admire authors such as J.K Rowling and Katie Maxwell, who write novels that both amuse and delight their readers. It is my hope that this novel will appeal to the same audience.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I hope to be hearing from you soon.

Sincerely,


Notes

Was Matt the same guy who lived centuries ago before Dracula bit him? If so, how did he come back to life? If not, it's just a coincidence that he has the same name as the ancient vampire he becomes?

I think we need higher stakes if we're going to care about Matt's story.

Face-Lift 257

Guess the Plot

With Gloves Off

1. Lou Sweeney enrolled in med school because he knew it would finally lead to an outlet for his sexual deviance. But what will the proctology department director say when he sees Dr. Sweeney performing examinations au naturale?

2. With the village busybody on vacation, it's up to grumpy Nomar Underpants to gain the upper hand over a seedy glove maker who may have fingered the wrong man.

3. Devout Catholic Dana Carmichael wears gloves to avoid picking up psychic impressions from everything she touches. But when a demon torments her with his theory that Jesus was a zombie, the gloves come off.

4. Miss Judith Mostly's dress, a calico print shirtwaist that draped to the floor, had demure written all over it, in contrast to the brilliant satins and taffetas of the society ladies. But it's her arrival without gloves that sets tongues wagging and signals the end of Miss Judith's future.

5. After the championship football game, sophomore Suzy Snarple conquered her obsessive compulsive disorder, determined to hold the love of tight end Brett Studdington. Little did she know what would erupt under the bleachers when she stroked more than his ego . . . with gloves off.

6. Zelda has trouble: the Curse of the Giblet. When a power outage occurs on Gloves Off Day for her germ-o-phobic support group, Zelda gets arrested as the mastermind of an alleged grope-fest. Can old Voodoo Bob use psychic rays to neutralize the Giblet and save her?


Original Version

Dear Agent Person:

I'm offering With Gloves Off, a 90,000 word fantasy novel. [I don't care if your gloves are on or off; what's the title of your book?] An SASE is enclosed for your response.

As a devout Catholic, it is a mortal sin for Dana Carmichael to use her psychometry, even if she can't help picking up psychic impressions from the objects and people she touches. That same ability and her status as a "foreigner" in the Illiniwek Nation leaves her little choice but to take the one job open to her: psychic researcher. [I can't say I know what the employment situation is like in the Illiniwek Nation, but I would be amazed to find that the one open position is psychic researcher.] [If she can't use her psychometry, why does she have little choice but to take a job as psychic researcher? That's like an Orthodox Jew having little choice but to take a job as a food taster in a bacon factory.]

Dana thought that boring work authenticating museum pieces would be a low-profile way to make a living while she lobbied the bishop for a dispensation. What she hadn't counted on was working with a demon who torments her with theories about werewolf popes [Actually, I pulled up some papal portraits, and have reached the conclusion that Popes Gregory XIII, Sixtus V and Innocent VI were probably werewolves:



























I also contend that Pope Pius V was actually Santa Claus.]


or whether Jesus was a zombie. [Considering that atheists are often called upon to explain how Jesus could have risen from the dead if he were not the Son of God, I'm surprised more of them haven't embraced this zombie theory. It seems to explain everything.] [I checked through some art depicting Jesus after the resurrection, to see if any showed him as a zombie.



This painting, by von Kulmbach, doesn't show his face, but it's obvious that at least three of the people watching the ascension are zombies. Also, note that the man kneeling in the left foreground has six toes on each foot, and the third person from the right in the back row--the one whose lower face is obscured--isn't looking upward, as you'd expect, but seems to be looking across the way at the bald guy who looks like Peter Boyle in Young Frankenstein. Does this prove Jesus was a zombie? Not entirely; you'll have to read my book, The von Kulmbach Code for the additional evidence.] Nor had she expected to be pulled into a hunt for the person behind a series of deadly monster attacks.

Yuseph Szabo is an aethereal genius [Aethereal genius? An odd way of saying "evil overlord."] intent on creating the perfect monstrous assassin [Are we still in the same book? This is turning into a James Bond novel.] and he's using the citizens of Checagou as his guinea pigs. Dana must use her psychic abilities to stop Yuseph, risking Church approbation, perhaps even excommunication.

[Dana: Well, thanks to my psychic abilities, I prevented the creation of the perfect monstrous assassin, and saved untold lives.

Bishop: Great. I hear the Protestants are hiring.]

And if she does stop him, save her job and her soul, she still has to contend with a surly demon.

I would be delighted to send you the full manuscript for your review. Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,


Notes

It seems like any job, anywhere, would be a low-profile way to make a living while she lobbied the bishop for a dispensation. Why is psychic researcher for the Illiniwek Nation the one Dana chooses? Why is she there?

She lobbies the bishop for a dispensation (permission to commit mortal sins) before the monster attacks? On what grounds?

In researching werewolf popes, I strayed outside the Roman Catholic religion, and discovered the current pope of the Coptic Orthodox Church, who is clearly a werewolf.

Interestingly, I came across this article in the Harvard University Gazette, describing a meeting between the Coptic Pope and a student named Miranda Yousef. Note that her last name is the same as your villain's first name. Coincidence? Right. And I suppose it's also a coincidence that Yuseph Szabo, anagrammed, spells O yes! Zap Bush! The evidence continues to mount. Remember, that's The von Kulmbach Code, coming soon.