Feedback Request

 The author of the book most recently featured here would like feedback on the following version of the query:

Shukari leaves a fire unharmed. [Is it Shukari or the fire that's unharmed? Maybe escapes a fire?] She only wishes her parents had too, both stuck with mysterious conditions that precede certain death. [Did they die in the fire because their mysterious conditions prevented them from leaving? Or did they survive, but the fire caused their mysterious conditions?] Her best choice is [She decides] to join a force that will help get her leads on a cure, if she helps protect their eco-city from crooked mages and violent creatures. [I know I suggested changing "guild" to "force," but that was supposed to include an adjective describing the kind of force. Police force. Team of mercenaries. Superhero squad. Vigilante gang.] Deal. [This seems like a pretty crappy deal. She has to fight against monsters and mages, and only then will they be willing to help her get leads? On a cure that may not exist? That sounds like what the villain who has the cure would offer. The force is supposed to be the good guys.] But as she keeps risking her skin while running into dead ends, Shukari’s patience grows as thin as her loved ones’ lives [Wears thin? wanes? is wearing thin?]. 

 

Soon, she learns where to get key info on the case. [The case of the threat to the eco-city? Or the case of the mysterious condition?] That it belongs to criminal mastermind Tantalus is no issue. [It may not be a deterrent, but I'd call it a big issue.] Save innocent people and her folks? Of course Shukari’s on the job. But he’s not talking, and only after losing a battle of wits and spells [Wait, does she have the ability to cast spells? That could have been mentioned earlier as it explains why the force thinks she can be useful.] does she discover that same info is vital to completing new, magic superweapons that have the black market salivating. [Info that can lead to curing a mysterious fatal condition is vital to creating magic superweapons. Sounds iffy, but then maybe Oppenheimer or Einstein got the idea for atomic bombs when they saw that radiation therapy was effective against cancer. If I'd seen Oppenheimer, I'd know, but it was too long.]

 

The noble thing would be to round up her squad, crush Tantalus and his ring, and let the lead die with him. [What about round up her squad, crush the ring, and let Tantalus live if he coughs up the info?] Instead, Shukari plans a trade he can’t resist: tell her everything and he gets special documents that will sweeten his business. [If I were Tantalus I would have no trouble resisting this trade: "I give you information I could sell for millions on the black market, and you give me . . . 'special documents'? I don't think so."] Naturally, she’s setting a trap. But crossing a master dealmaker, and criminals invested in his success, is more dangerous than any rampaging monster. [In your opinion. Me, I'll take my chances with the master dealmaker.] If Shukari isn’t careful, she and many more will see that firsthand. 

 

VALISTRY (105,000 words) is an Adult Science Fantasy standalone with series potential and a diverse ensemble cast. Imagine our Earth forced into a Norse myth-like state. [I doubt the agent you're writing to will know what you mean by Earth being forced into a Norse myth-like state. She'll wonder which of your characters is Thor and which is Odin.] The story has a similar setting to John Gwynne’s Bloodsworn Saga, but where magic and science are king and queen like in M.L. Wang’s BLOOD OVER BRIGHT HAVEN. 

Possibly your book makes all my issues into non-issues. If so, great, but you don't want them to bother the agent in the query,