The author of the book featured in Face-Lift 1468 would like feedback on the following version of the query.
Dear agent,
When seventeen-year-old thief, Dex, collides with an assassin, she seizes the opportunity to steal one of his fallen letters. The note promises gold for delivering a gift basket—enough to buy her sister’s freedom from the brothel. But Dex’s plan unravels when the delivery is an actual contract, and when she tries to flee, she’s framed for murder. [Not clear to me what you mean by the delivery is an actual contract. The gift basket contained a contract? Is she supposed to deliver a contract to someone? Why does that make her flee, rather than just deliver the contract?] [Who got murdered?]
On the run, Dex is captured by the assassins she impersonated. Thinking she fulfilled the contract, they offer her a choice: join their ranks or die. Terrified they’ll learn the truth, she accepts and begins training with Tristin, a ruthless mentor. Slowly drawn to him like a poison, she realizes he holds many secrets, enough to question where his true loyalties lie. [People aren't normally drawn to poison, so I'm not sure what is meant by "drawn to him like a poison." Is she drawn to him like he's poison, or like she's a poison, or is she drawn to him like poison is drawn to him? None makes sense to me.]
As she plots her escape, she uncovers the assassin's plan to steal a powerful artifact that can control kingdoms—freeing her sister might be impossible now. Worse, Tristin’s secrets could endanger her sister’s life. Now Dex must decide: play along or risk everything for her sister, knowing one wrong move could mean disaster. [Vague.]
Mix Assassin’s Creed with Pride and Prejudice to get BROKEN VOWS AND STOLEN HEARTS (89,000) a YA romance fantasy. Readers will be swept up by this gritty tale of betrayal and loyalty. This is a standalone novel with series potential. It will appeal to readers who like Heartless Hunters by Kristen Ciccarelli and One Dark Window by Rachel Gillig.
Notes
I have less of an idea of what is going on than I did after the previous version. And it doesn't seem that you went with many of my previous suggestions. Which could mean they were irrelevant. Maybe I need another cup of coffee, and one of my minions will steer you right in the comments.
2 comments:
Hey author, this could use more logic and details.
Not sure why a thief thinks stealing from an assassin she bumps into is a good idea.
"the assassinS she impersonated" <- did she impersonate more than one?
"the assassin's plan" <-only one assassin has this plan? Which assassin?
Is there some reason assassins aren't going to learn that a contract they had wasn't actually fulfilled? I'd think the other party would make a point of bringing it up.
You might want to be specific as to why it might now be impossible to save her sister. And what/why secrets could endanger her life specifically.
"romance fantasy" isn't really a thing. Maybe try romantasy (if the romance drives the plot) or romantic fantasy (if the romance is very prominent but not a driver), although I wouldn't generally describe books in either group as "gritty". Maybe fantasy with a romantic subplot? At any rate, if you're going to be saying there's enough romance to tack it on as a descriptor, you need more about the romance than "slowly drawn to him like poison" in the plot description.
hope this helps,
good luck
If your the bulk of your plot is about a thief turned reluctant-apprentice assassin navigating romantic entanglements while dealing with a city-controlling artifact, you might want to focus your query on that.
Your first plot paragraph sound like a tstl heroine in a plot held together by coincidence. Change that. In the book, too, if needed.
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