A new title in the query queue needs your amusing fake plots.

https://evileditor.blogspot.com/p/query-queue_7.html

Face-Lift 1470

Guess the Plot

Keys to the Van

1. Indie musician Danny inherits a van from his uncle--just what his band needs for their upcoming tour. Good-natured shenanigans and life lessons ensue as Danny drives his uncle's old ride cross-country.

2. In an attempt to understand why he treats women so badly, an artist drives his VW van from the California coast to the dying industrial towns of the midwest. 

3. Aspiring serial killer Jack Lovett has planned his first murder for months. He's got his weapons, his shackles, and his dungeon. Now if only he could find the keys to his van.

4. Harry has a job offer in LA, but he's in Georgia, with no transportation and no money. So he gets a job with a moving company, and takes a gig driving a moving van to LA. Turns out the moving company job pays a lot more than the job he went there for, but how's he gonna get back to Georgia? 

5. After carjacking a minivan, Rudy stops at a burger joint, but when he returns to the vehicle he realizes it's got one of those push button starters that only works if you have the key with you. Wait, what's this Apple air tag thing on the dashboard? Hey, why are the cops blocking him in? Damn modern technology.

Original Version

The steering wheel spins uselessly on Interstate 5 as Nash splits from his San Diego beach house. [Hard to believe he got from his beach house onto Interstate 5 without a functioning steering wheel.] The twenty-seven-year-old artist grinds the VW down a cement retaining wall, then pawns stolen tools to fix the van [Luckily his van stopped within walking distance of a pawn shop. But he should probably use the stolen tools to fix the van, then pawn them to get gas money.] in his rush to escape the fallout from hurting his girlfriend. Unwilling to admit what he’s done, he alienates all his friends, loses his home, and turns to the only person he can trust–himself. [He's the last person I'd trust.] [Up till the retaining wall, the first 1.4 sentences feel like the first two minutes of your novel instead of the opening of a business letter. The rest of the paragraph feels like the next two months of your novel. 1. Leave beach house. 2. Fix van. 3. Alienate all my friends and lose my home.]

Nash, a resourceful charmer, searches for a new home in America’s underclass of 1991, running small-time scams in Venice Beach, stealing drug money from a San Francisco squat, and making beer runs into Pine Ridge Reservation. He forges new friendships he can’t sustain because he pushes responsibility onto everyone else then splits. He drinks to cover the bleakness of his desperation, echoed by the closed factories and hordes of unemployed he meets in the dying industrial towns of the Midwest. [This house on the California coast has got me down. I need a change of scenery--to some blighted, desolate, dying industrial towns.] [Reading the query is reminding me of the bleakness of my own desperation. If I read the whole book I'd probably be suicidal.] 

On his own, Nash possesses little hope of confronting his inner ghouls and seems destined to drift into addiction and ruin. Yet the hardened goodness of the people he meets offers slim hope by lovingly shoving insight into Nash’s blind heart. ["Offers slim hope" strikes me as negative. It's like saying "I have slim hope of selling my novel." Removing "slim" would fix this.]

I seek representation for Keys to the Van, a 94,000-word upmarket fiction novel about a young man’s journey to understand his treatment of women. [Change his name to J.D. Vance, and you've got a winner.] Set in the early 1990s, it’s a travel story similar in tone to David Carr’s The Night of the Gun and in substance to the flipside of Colleen Hoover’s It Ends with Us. [Not sure what the flip side of a novel is, but if it means the opposite, that's a weird way to comp your book. You're gambling that the reader has not only read It Ends With Us, but can do the mental gymnastics of figuring out what the reverse of that book is.] [By the way, Ms. Hoover wrote a sequel titled It Starts With Us. Maybe that's the flip side?]

The novel grew out of a half-year kicking around the country in a VW van and what I’ve learned through working with people on restorative justice processes with Symbiosis Revolution. [English, please.] As it is for our protagonist Nash, the long, painful path to understanding one’s rage and violence starts with denial, progresses in fits and starts, and requires input from slews of people. Many men never finish the journey, and perhaps Keys to the Van can provide hope and even a map for readers seeking to understand their behavior. [So, you were Nash, and now you're writing this book to help other Nashes. Unfortunately, Nashes don't read books. Admit it, there wasn't a single book in your San Diego beach house.]

Notes

Italicize all book titles.

I was surprised to find this is about a young man’s journey to understand his treatment of women. There's one brief mention of hurting his girlfriend.

There's no plot. In the query, not necessarily in the book. Though if the book is just a series of incidents connected by them happening to Nash, maybe it's a book problem too. 

Not that that can't be done with success, but if Nash's goal is to understand his treatment of women, I would like to see specifics on what he did to his girlfriend that he's unwilling to admit, and how he is changed by whatever changes him. The only hint that anything changes him is the vague comment that some people lovingly shove insight into his blind heart. 

Also, your main character needs to have some redeeming qualities if you want people to care about him enough to slog through the miserable parts of his life. Women aren't gonna want to read about a guy who mistreats women, unless they know he's gonna be punished in the end, by which I mean physically tortured and then murdered. And women read books.

Feedback Request

 The author of the book featured in Face-Lift 1469 would like feedback on the following version of their query.

Dear [Agent],

Seventeen-year-old Victoria Tauber leads dual lives in dual worlds, sewn together with the thread of dreams.

Victoria “Vic” von Tauber has royal parents, a magic sword, and a loyal band of teenage monster-hunters. All that’s missing is her best friend Simon, who vanished two years ago. Still grieving his absence, Vic vows to bring him home after receiving a letter from the monstrous Beast of Shadows. Its offer is deceptively simple: prove her skill by hunting it to the ends of the fantastic Otherwise, and it will tell her how to find Simon.

Meanwhile, in suburban Chicago, Victoria "Tori" Tauber dreams of herself as fantasy heroine Vic, but struggles to talk to anyone at high school. Sick of being an anxious recluse, Tori pushes herself to befriend new girl Marcy at the start of junior year.

Though Vic stalks the Beast and Tori battles social anxiety, their paths become increasingly intertwined. Vic wonders at her dreams of suburbia as she grows closer to new hunter Marcia. Tori uncovers traces of her old friend Simon, who has vanished from memory in the waking world. Both grapple with the realization that they are lesbians, head over heels for Marcy/Marcia. And as the year goes by, both discover that the alternate versions of themselves they see in their dreams are all too real.

Two Victorias face two choices. Play it safe in the closet, or listen to Marcy’s careful hints and ask her out? And when Vic learns that the Simon she seeks is none other than Tori's old friend, kidnapped by the Beast of Shadows, the two must choose again. Dismiss their other selves as fantasy, or work together to send Simon home?

I am thrilled to present A WIN FOR VICTORIA, a 97,000 word standalone fantasy with series potential, for your consideration. It would be ideal for readers who enjoyed the haunting dreams of H. E. Edgmon’s Godly Heathens and the slow-building mystery of Ryan La Sala’s Reverie, as well as fans of the dual-world narrative of Omori.

I channeled the joy and enlightenment of realizing I was part of the LGBT community into the creation of this story. When not stealing every available moment to write, I can be found testing flight hardware at [College University] or giving dramatic readings of Beowulf at parties.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Notes

This is well done. It's at least 100 words longer than the generally accepted standard length of a query, so I've taken the liberty of cutting to about 300 words:

Seventeen-year-old Victoria Tauber leads dual lives in dual worlds, sewn together with the thread of dreams.

Victoria “Vic” von Tauber has royal parents, a magic sword, and a loyal band of teenage monster-hunters. All that’s missing is her best friend Simon, who vanished two years ago. Still grieving, Vic vows to bring Simon home after learning the monstrous Beast of Shadows kidnapped him.

Meanwhile, in suburban Chicago, Victoria "Tori" Tauber dreams of herself as fantasy heroine Vic, but struggles to make any friends in school. Sick of being an anxious recluse, Tori pushes herself to befriend new girl Marcy at the start of junior year.

Though Vic stalks the Beast and Tori battles social anxiety, their paths become intertwined. Vic wonders at her dreams of suburbia as she grows closer to new hunter Marcia. Tori uncovers traces of her old friend Simon, who has vanished from memory in the waking world. Both grapple with the realization that they are lesbians, head over heels for Marcy/Marcia. And both discover that the alternate versions of themselves they see in their dreams are all too real.

Two Victorias face two choices. Play it safe in the closet, or listen to Marcy’s hints and ask her out? And when Vic learns that the Simon she seeks is none other than Tori's old friend, the two must choose again. Dismiss their other selves as fantasy, or work together to bring Simon home?

I am thrilled to present A WIN FOR VICTORIA, a 97,000 word standalone fantasy with series potential, for your consideration. It would be ideal for readers who enjoyed the haunting dreams of H. E. Edgmon’s Godly Heathens and the slow-building mystery of Ryan La Sala’s Reverie.

I channeled the joy and enlightenment of realizing I was part of the LGBT community into the creation of this story.

Thank you for your consideration.

Now if you want to get it down closer to 250, you might find a way to leave Simon out of the query. In fact, as Simon is missing in both worlds, he's not exactly a main character. Maybe we should drop him from the book! Replace him with Marcy/Marcia, the new hunter who gets kidnapped, and the old friend who moves away. I wasn't a fan of the Simon "vanished from memory in the waking world" part, anyway. 

Of course that would be a radical change, and a lot of work, and would probably cut your word count, but at 97,000, you can afford to lose a lot of words. Just thinking out loud here, ignore me.

Face-Lift 1469

 

Guess the Plot

A Win for Victoria

1. Despite her name, Victoria has never won anything. Not even a luck of the draw item. But now she has practiced to finally win the county fair's pie eating contest. As long as there are no cream pies. She's lactose intolerant.

2. Victoria has tried out for every team in her school, even chess, after which she was forbidden to come within 30 feet of any of them. Fortunately, there's still archery where 30 feet isn't even the minimal distance.

3. Queen Victoria of Great Britain single-handedly smashes the Russian Army during the Crimean War, then marches on Moscow Prigozhin-style in this alternate history doorstopper.

4. Two lesbians, both named Victoria, fall in love, but not with each other. With Marcy. One of the Victorias is a sword-brandishing monster hunter. The other is a shy high school student. Which one will win the heart of Marcy?

5. Victoria enters the national spelling bee and makes it to the finals. But she's up against all these foreign-born ringers who've memorized the dictionary. You'll never guess who ends up winning, unless you looked at the book's title.

Original Version

Dear [Agent],

Seventeen-year-old Victoria von Tauber has it all: royal parents, a magic sword, and a loyal band of teenage monster-hunters. [Not sure the "it all" applies, as it's immediately contradicted in the next sentence.] All that’s missing is her best friend Simon, who vanished two years ago. Bitter from her failure to find him, she vows to bring him home after receiving a letter from a powerful monster. Its offer is deceptively simple: prove her skill by hunting it to the ends of the fantastic Otherwise, and it will reveal Simon’s fate. [I find it hard to imagine Godzilla sitting down at a writing desk and composing a letter.] [I'd want Godzilla to offer something better than I'll reveal Simon's fate; at least an assurance that his fate wasn't being eaten by Godzilla.] [This seems analogous to a situation where the police are investigating a child abduction, and they receive a letter saying I know where the kidnapper has the child, but if you want me to tell you, you'll have to find me first.] 

Meanwhile, seventeen-year-old Victoria "Tori" Tauber dreams of herself as a fantasy heroine, but struggles to talk to anyone at her suburban Chicago high school. Sick of being an anxious recluse, Tori pushes herself to befriend new girl Marcy at the start of junior year. [I know a lot of novelists have trouble coming up with names for all their characters, but if your two main characters have the same first and last name, you might want to try an online fantasy name generator.]

Though one battles monsters and the other social anxiety, Victoria and Tori's paths become increasingly intertwined. Victoria grows closer to new hunter Marcia, while Tori uncovers traces of her old friend Simon, who has vanished from memory in the waking world. Both grapple with the revelation [realization?] that they are lesbians, head over heels for Marcy/Marcia. [Are Marcy and Marcia aware of each other? Is there a Cy to go with Simon?] And as the year goes by, both discover that the alternate versions of themselves they see in their dreams are all too real. [Does Victoria dream of being an anxious recluse?]

Bending the barrier between their two worlds, Victoria and Tori must work together to solve the mystery of Simon’s disappearance and accept themselves as lesbians. Should they fail, both Simon and Marcy will slip through their fingers forever. 

As you are [Agent-specific personalization not to exceed 400 words], [30 words would be more reasonable.] I am thrilled to present A WIN FOR VICTORIA for your consideration. A WIN FOR VICTORIA is a standalone dual-POV YA lesbian fantasy novel of 98,000 words with series potential. It would be ideal for readers who enjoyed the haunting dreams of H. E. Edgmon’s Godly Heathens and the slow-building mystery of Ryan La Sala’s Reverie, as well as fans of the dual-world narrative of Omori.

I drew on my experiences in the LGBT community when conceiving this story, and put it to paper [Some agents may be unwilling to request novels that have been put to paper. Just say you wrote it; you're covered no matter how they want it.] in between my work as a research engineer at [College University] and my performances in the [City] DIY music scene.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Notes

One advantage of your putting the description of the book at the end instead of the beginning is that you don't have to describe the book as a standalone dual-POV YA lesbian fantasy novel of 98,000 words with series potential, because a lot of that is obvious from the plot summary. To me, "a 98,000-word standalone fantasy with series potential" is more than enough. (Another advantage is that it doesn't matter whether you do it my way or yours, because by the time the reader gets to that part, they've already decided whether they're intrigued enough to request pages.)

A monster telling a band of monster hunters it'll reward them if they hunt it down is like a parent telling their kid they can have ice cream, but only if they eat all their cake. They were already planning to eat all their cake.

If Tory and Victoria were head over heels for each other, would the universe implode?

It seems like a lot of books hype the fact that they have a lot of twists, or a twist you'll never see coming. This feels like a query with several twists, and I'm not sure whether that's a good thing, or confusing: 

P1: We're dealing with a standard fantasy with a heroine named Victoria

P2: Oh, Victoria just fantasizes she's a fantasy heroine. They're one person. Walter Mitty-like story?
P3: Possibly same as P2, till the end when Oh, we see they're separate people in 2 worlds. Apparently the waking world and dream world. Maybe alternate universes? And they're lesbians!

P4: They can work together. Presumably they can communicate with each other, possibly meet physically.

I can envision Agent A saying, "I must read this book, it's Red Sonja meets Pretty in Pink meets Vanilla Sky." And Agent B saying, "WTF? This author can't figure out what her own book is about. The whole book probably turns out to be the monster's hallucination."

Maybe try introducing the dual worlds up front and see where that takes you? 

Monsters seem like something from a middle grade book. You could make up a cool fear-inspiring name for them or make them lizard men. Or remove them from the book and make Victoria a ninja who leads a band of crimefighters.

Questions for my own curiosity.

When two girls are born in alternate worlds are they twins, appearance-wise? Is it a rule of nature that their parents give them the exact same name, such that if Victoria and Tory both have daughters, they'll independently decide to give them the same name?