Face-Lift 1460

 

Guess the Plot

The Dirt Wars

1. It'a about a war. Over dirt.

2. Her kids and husband have been tracking dirt into the house for years. Marge has finally reached her breaking point. She's stockpiling military-grade vacuum cleaners.

3. The world owes their livelihood to the top six inches of soil. Janus has become involved in a war with the neighboring kingdom over who has the better soil. How does it go? The grass is always greener?

4. The mud slinging in an election year has gotten so bad it's become a national sport, with referees, scoreboards, and cheerleaders. Can 2nd grader Winslow Walsh defeat his arch-nemesis the school principal in this battle of the dirty on the school playground? Or will Mx. Roberts Jr. (3rd grade) succeed in getting the ice cream man elected to the school board?

5. The land in the valley separating two mountainous kingdoms is the only place with arable soil. For years this land was shared, but with population growth, both kingdoms now want it all. Can mediator Eleanor Panko find a way to prevent a war that could destroy the valley?

 

Original Version

Title: The Dirt Wars*

Backstory: It's about a war. Over dirt.

*Hey, it worked for "Star" 

[Presumably that was not part of the query, but as the title isn't revealed anywhere else (nor the word count) I'll assume you're providing us with only the plot summary so you won't get comments like "It's too short (or long)" or "leave the word 'The' off the title."] [That was a pretty long sentence, but nothing compared to your first sentence.] [In any case, thanks for providing me with the real guess-the-plot, as the plot summary below doesn't hint at where the title comes from.]

Newlywed and recent Genesis graduate, Bobby Gallagher lives a life of privilege as a True Born citizen in Centre 3:2:1 (formerly Dallas, Texas) within Section 2 of New Elysian, twenty years after The Final War, at the behest of watchful [thanks to his] benefactor Sectional Ambassador Jeremy Barnes. Ambassador Barnes’ affinity for Bobby is cultivated before the boy takes his first steps. [I don't like "affinity" or "cultivated" in this context. I'd say "his interest in Bobby began . . . " Note that I also think you should use past tense when talking about Bobby's childhood.] Ambitious and cunning, Barnes takes Bobby under his wing and heralds him as a shining example of what The State can produce; someone who might one day rule the world.

Bobby’s life is going to plan [Barnes's plan?] until he meets Gramps, a mysterious old man from the Before Times who also takes an early interest in Bobby, but from the shadows. Equal parts smart and smart-ass, Gramps is well connected both within New Elysian and with those on The Outside, or as The State refers to them, Ticks. Gramps portends [warns] of evil lurking within The State and accuses [declares] Barnes of being a murderous sociopath. He urges Bobby to disregard the poisonous teachings of Genesis and escape [abandon] the trappings of a life given and embrace his destiny on The Outside. Bobby listens to the old man’s sermons but cannot decide if he is mad or prescient.

As Bobby’s allegiance to Barnes wobbles, his wife, Caroline finds herself torn between her loyalty to The State and to her husband. In the end, only one will survive. [I can't tell if you mean only one of her husband and the State or only one of Bobby and Caroline.] [Perhaps dump this paragraph, as Caroline doesn't figure much in the rest of the plot summary.]

Bobby rejects [suspects] Gramps as [is] a traitor but does not report him. Bobby buckles and agrees to go with him on a mission to The Outside where he discovers a world that makes him question everything he has ever known. Section 2 leadership learns of Bobby’s treachery and, with the help of an unlikely ally, unleashes the full force of Section 2 upon Bobby and anyone who stands in their way. [That's the end? While I see no way Bobby can withstand an unleashing of the full force of Section 2, I expect you to provide a glimmer of hope. Instead of that last sentence, give some specifics about what he finds in the Outside. Then say he realizes Gramps was right all along, but it may be too late because he's now being hunted by the all-powerful State.] 

Notes

Elysian is an adjective, at least here in the Before Times. Elysium means paradise, and is more likely to be the name of a place.

It's not clear why everyone thinks Bobby is the key to everything. He seems like just an average naive kid. Are Gramps and Barnes the main characters? If Bobby's the MC, focus on what he wants, how he plans to get it, what will happen if he fails.

Why does the State want with Bobby now that he's shown his treachery? They probably don't want him as the ruler of the world anymore, so they should look for a new potential ruler of the world. Not waste time and resources chasing down this kid. I'm surprised Barnes doesn't want the position.

Getting rid of the red words or whichever ones you can do without would leave a little space for some more information. Maybe something about the geography of this world. I can't tell whether the Outside is everything surrounding New Elysian, or if New Elysian is the old USA or the old Texas.

Are the State and the Outside at war? Over dirt? How can there be a war if the last war was the Last War?