Face-Lift 1461

Guess the Plot

I Am Online

1. The harrowing tale of being lured in and then dragged to the surface against your will, as told by a mackerel.

2. The game "I am Online" started as a way to distract Sheila from her dull life. Except now what she thought was an AI in the game has turned out to be something all too real.

3. An anonymous teenager gets sucked into social media, doom scrolling, and sundry other activities, and their parents, siblings, concerned neighbors, and other persons can only watch helplessly as said teenager endures their compulsory education failures, lack of a job or any prospects, and finally no ability to achieve internet.

4. Nigel Werzen is inside the internet in a Philip K. Dick meets Ghost in the Shell sort of way. If he wants to kiss an actual human being before he dies he'll need to find out how, and possibly why, who and what. And his body. He'll need to find his body.

5. A teenager becomes an overnight internet sensation after his erotic encounters are broadcast online without his knowledge. Is this the ultimate humiliation? Or is it the big break he's been waiting for?

Please find my Query below. I hope you can give me feedback as I have not been too successful submitting it. 

Title: I am Online

Lenght: 240,000 words 

[Okay, I think I see your problem. Your book is actually three books. You just haven't figured out where the first two end. If you want to be able to sell a really long book like Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, you should first try selling a normal-sized book like Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. Then make each successive book you write a little longer than the previous one. For instance, your first book could be titled I Am in My Neighborhood. Then you write a book called I Am in Barcelona, followed by I Am in Spain, I Am in Europe, and then this book, I am Online. Eventually you will write I Am in the Universe (Length: 50 billion words).] 

Original Version

Dear Literary Agent,

I am thrilled to present “I am Online,” my debut novel that chronicles the unexpected rise of Sebas, an eighteen-year-old who inadvertently becomes an erotic webcam sensation. [Your title should be italicized. The 2nd half of your first sentence should not.] [Wait, inadvertently? It sounds like he didn't know the erotic stuff he was doing was going out via webcam. If that happened to me, I'd be angry and mortified, but Sebas is apparently thrilled to have finally found purpose in his life.] This narrative explores his journey of self-discovery, the complexities of human relationships, and the dichotomy between virtual fame and real-world anonymity. [That's pretty vague. Work it into paragraph 4 if you must have it, but right now we want to know what happens in your book. Plot specifics.] 

Thirty-eight euros in his pocket, all his life savings, was everything Sebas had on him when he stepped out of the last night train at Barcelona’s central station. Probably Sebas [Maybe he] should have planned his home runaway [getaway] better. But he didn’t. He just could not stand his oppressive home life anymore.  The city, poised to swallow him whole, instead becomes the backdrop for his meteoric rise in the adult industry. 

As the number of his webcam followers grows into the thousands, Sebas grapples with the stark contrast between his online celebrity and his offline struggles.      

“I am Online” weaves through genres, one could say this novel is for “Fifty shades of Grey” what “Pose” is to “Sex and the City”: a kinky story narrated by those whose kinkiness is not mainstream or often understood. It is the antithesis of “Heartstopper,” away from gay-mimicking-straight relationships in a sugar-coated plot, I don’t hold back: Sebas goes through a lot and he gets to see [experiences] the cruelty of human nature and how relationships are often driven by desire and selfishness rather than by love and feelings. Set in the year 2014, this tale also serves as a modern coming-out story, far away from those early-00 cheesy stories, this one reflects a contemporary time when the lines between hetero and homo are more blurred than ever. [2014 was modern and contemporary in 2014. It's now as much ancient history as the early 00's were in 2014.] 

My own experiences as an LGBTQ individual growing up in Barcelona and living across the globe have deeply influenced this work, infusing it with authenticity and a unique perspective.

So far, only few friends have read “I am Online”. [A few have told you they read it. They lied.] Feedback is diverse: “the world is a very f*** up place”, “I am ashamed to admit I wish I had been Sebas” or “this story will make readers disgusted and horny at the same time”. But maybe the best one was “it’s hilarious, it reads itself”. 

I have chosen to query you because your reputation for championing bold, boundary-pushing literature aligns perfectly with the essence of “I am Online.” I believe this novel not only entertains but also opens a dialogue about the evolving landscape of sexuality and identity.

Thank you for considering my submission. I am eager to discuss the potential of “I am Online” and look forward to the possibility of working together.

Notes

You must either convert this into a three-book series, or whittle it down to 80,000 words by getting rid of massive amounts of wordiness, repetition, chapters that don't advance the plot, rambling musings about life, etc. Did I say whittle it down? You need an industrial buzz saw.

While I imagine webcams draw far fewer viewers than websites, (Pornhub: 750 million visits per week; Me, Sebas, in my Motel Room: 2000 visits/month), I wouldn't call  a few thousand followers a meteoric rise toward becoming an online celebrity. Maybe you should lie and say he's got half a million followers.

Here's all I know about what happens in your 240,000 words: Guy with oppressive home life catches train to Barcelona, hits the sheets with someone who failed to mention he was broadcasting their activity online, and becomes an overnight sensation. (My version: 29 words.)

Are there any other characters? A close friend, a traitor, a lover, a murderer, a joker, a thief?

What's the most important event in this book? What is Sebas's goal? What's his plan to achieve it? What's standing in his way? What decision must he make to succeed? What if he fails? That's the kind of stuff we want in the query. If you get rid of the red words and my comments, you might have room to answer some of those questions. Even literary fiction needs a story.

On the bright side, it seems like three fourths of all literary agents are desperately looking for books by LGBTQ+ authors, so you have a leg up if you do have a story and characters.

Help Wanted

  

A new title in the query queue needs your amusing fake plots.

Face-Lift 1460

 

Guess the Plot

The Dirt Wars

1. It'a about a war. Over dirt.

2. Her kids and husband have been tracking dirt into the house for years. Marge has finally reached her breaking point. She's stockpiling military-grade vacuum cleaners.

3. The world owes their livelihood to the top six inches of soil. Janus has become involved in a war with the neighboring kingdom over who has the better soil. How does it go? The grass is always greener?

4. The mud slinging in an election year has gotten so bad it's become a national sport, with referees, scoreboards, and cheerleaders. Can 2nd grader Winslow Walsh defeat his arch-nemesis the school principal in this battle of the dirty on the school playground? Or will Mx. Roberts Jr. (3rd grade) succeed in getting the ice cream man elected to the school board?

5. The land in the valley separating two mountainous kingdoms is the only place with arable soil. For years this land was shared, but with population growth, both kingdoms now want it all. Can mediator Eleanor Panko find a way to prevent a war that could destroy the valley?

 

Original Version

Title: The Dirt Wars*

Backstory: It's about a war. Over dirt.

*Hey, it worked for "Star" 

[Presumably that was not part of the query, but as the title isn't revealed anywhere else (nor the word count) I'll assume you're providing us with only the plot summary so you won't get comments like "It's too short (or long)" or "leave the word 'The' off the title."] [That was a pretty long sentence, but nothing compared to your first sentence.] [In any case, thanks for providing me with the real guess-the-plot, as the plot summary below doesn't hint at where the title comes from.]

Newlywed and recent Genesis graduate, Bobby Gallagher lives a life of privilege as a True Born citizen in Centre 3:2:1 (formerly Dallas, Texas) within Section 2 of New Elysian, twenty years after The Final War, at the behest of watchful [thanks to his] benefactor Sectional Ambassador Jeremy Barnes. Ambassador Barnes’ affinity for Bobby is cultivated before the boy takes his first steps. [I don't like "affinity" or "cultivated" in this context. I'd say "his interest in Bobby began . . . " Note that I also think you should use past tense when talking about Bobby's childhood.] Ambitious and cunning, Barnes takes Bobby under his wing and heralds him as a shining example of what The State can produce; someone who might one day rule the world.

Bobby’s life is going to plan [Barnes's plan?] until he meets Gramps, a mysterious old man from the Before Times who also takes an early interest in Bobby, but from the shadows. Equal parts smart and smart-ass, Gramps is well connected both within New Elysian and with those on The Outside, or as The State refers to them, Ticks. Gramps portends [warns] of evil lurking within The State and accuses [declares] Barnes of being a murderous sociopath. He urges Bobby to disregard the poisonous teachings of Genesis and escape [abandon] the trappings of a life given and embrace his destiny on The Outside. Bobby listens to the old man’s sermons but cannot decide if he is mad or prescient.

As Bobby’s allegiance to Barnes wobbles, his wife, Caroline finds herself torn between her loyalty to The State and to her husband. In the end, only one will survive. [I can't tell if you mean only one of her husband and the State or only one of Bobby and Caroline.] [Perhaps dump this paragraph, as Caroline doesn't figure much in the rest of the plot summary.]

Bobby rejects [suspects] Gramps as [is] a traitor but does not report him. Bobby buckles and agrees to go with him on a mission to The Outside where he discovers a world that makes him question everything he has ever known. Section 2 leadership learns of Bobby’s treachery and, with the help of an unlikely ally, unleashes the full force of Section 2 upon Bobby and anyone who stands in their way. [That's the end? While I see no way Bobby can withstand an unleashing of the full force of Section 2, I expect you to provide a glimmer of hope. Instead of that last sentence, give some specifics about what he finds in the Outside. Then say he realizes Gramps was right all along, but it may be too late because he's now being hunted by the all-powerful State.] 

Notes

Elysian is an adjective, at least here in the Before Times. Elysium means paradise, and is more likely to be the name of a place.

It's not clear why everyone thinks Bobby is the key to everything. He seems like just an average naive kid. Are Gramps and Barnes the main characters? If Bobby's the MC, focus on what he wants, how he plans to get it, what will happen if he fails.

Why does the State want with Bobby now that he's shown his treachery? They probably don't want him as the ruler of the world anymore, so they should look for a new potential ruler of the world. Not waste time and resources chasing down this kid. I'm surprised Barnes doesn't want the position.

Getting rid of the red words or whichever ones you can do without would leave a little space for some more information. Maybe something about the geography of this world. I can't tell whether the Outside is everything surrounding New Elysian, or if New Elysian is the old USA or the old Texas.

Are the State and the Outside at war? Over dirt? How can there be a war if the last war was the Last War?