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Guess the Plot

Bloodlines

1. Researching the ancestry a home dna kit recently informed you of can be tough. This is your guide to finding the names, the graves, and literally digging up the dirt. No, I'm not talking about vampires.

2. Maria is born to the Redwall house, yet she married into the Blackhome clan. Her vampire sire is from the Bloodclaw family. Not a huge problem . . . Except now a DNA test is proving everything she once believed wrong. Can Maria find her true family?

3. Artificial blood finally becomes a reality. Unfortunately, when inside a living human, mixed with their own blood, it transforms them into vampires. Wendy Farmann, tasked with keeping the supernatural out of the public view, must conduct her own war on drugs. But she was already killing vampires anyway, so no biggy.

4. Having racked up enormous debts to mob boss Lou Siefer, former best-selling author M.T. Page accepted a deal to dig himself out: 666 thousand dollars in advance for a sequel to Page's debut novel. Two catches: Siefer would get the only copy, and it had to be printed in Page's own blood. It should have been easy; Page already had an outline and was given six years to deliver the manuscript. But like all authors, Page procrastinated and the deadline is now two weeks away. How many chapters can he put on paper before he goes from "low ink" to dead?

5. When top fashion designer Vladimir Igorn turns up dead on the runway in a dress from his new "Bloodline," everyone blames Felicity "Floof Mallow" Mallone, a plus-size model with curves for days and ties to the mob. Proving her innocence leads to a spy vs spy caper that will take Floofy from Transylvanian crypts to Ben & Jerry's in Vermont. Also horse races.

6. You'd think a small-town police detective would be sitting around twiddling his thumbs most days, not dealing with pagan rituals, murder, revenge porn, police corruption, obstruction of justice, prostitution, and siccing big dogs on innocent people. But you'd be wrong. And that's just Addison's first day on the job.

Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,  

I am seeking representation for my debut novel, BLOODLINES – a standalone thriller featuring LGBTQIA+ romance, complete at 95,000 words. It will appeal to those who enjoyed the multi-POV small town setting of Dirt Creek by Hayley Scrivenor. [Dirt Creek: great title. Sequel will be titled Water Desert.]

Róisín (it’s Ro-sheen) [Thanks. The accent marks were throwing me. But shouldn't there be an umlaut over the first i?] Connelly was sure she’d already hit rock bottom and planted a goddamned flag — she’s 30, she’s divorced, and she hasn’t seen the inside of a Confession booth since 2008 [when she drunkenly walked into one thinking it was a phone booth--Come to think of it, she was at rock bottom then, too]. But when nude photos of her are discovered on a murdered college boy’s phone, her sins start to look deadlier than most — that’s motive, right? Like, a really good one.  [Marketing tip: To improve sales, include the photos in the book.] 

It’s a small town and people talk, so Róisín does what she does best: when she realizes it’s Detective Addison Duval in charge of the case (freshly promoted and known for gazing gayly at Róisín across the bar and from inside the closet), she leans into it — makes eyes — and Detective Duval jumps at the chance to arrest someone else. [Someone else besides Róisín? Or Róisín?][She's under arrest for making eyes? Making eyes is what she does best?] Thank God. [Who's thanking God? Duval? Was she in danger of not meeting her arrest quota?] [Let me see if I've got this straight. Murdered college boy either took nude photos of Róisín, or someone else did and sent them to murdered college boy. Róisín is Detective Duval's chief suspect in the murder case, which is awkward, because everyone in town knows she has the hots for Róisín. Róisín makes goo-goo eyes at Duval, possibly hoping to get on her good side, and Duval arrests her (or someone else). I think I've got it . . . Thank God.]

But then the Chief of Police goes missing, and someone calls in the big dogs. When the Internal Investigations Division arrives [By law, the Feds are the only ones allowed to call themselves the Big Dogs.] with their fully justified suspicions of both corruption and obstruction, Róisín’s quiet rock-bottom life and Addison’s promising career are firmly in the crosshairs — along with their burgeoning, very-much-not-a-good-idea relationship. [If you've just been promoted to detective, and you arrest someone who turns out to be the prime suspect in a murder investigation,  starting a romantic relationship with her isn't just a bad idea. It could be fatal. Which is why you didn't see Clarisse Starling dating Hannibal Lecter.] 

With pressure mounting, Róisín and Addison must work together to expose the secret that murdered college-boy Aaron was dangerously — fatally — close to uncovering. [When you called this a small town, I was thinking Mayberry, a place where the secrets that get exposed involve whether Andy and Helen have done it yet, or Otis is in the drunk tank again. Now it's sounding like The Godfather or James Bond.] There’s a ritual element in the cold cases sitting stagnant in the police vault, [Not clear to me what that means.] a coverup that goes all the way to the top, [All the way to Sheriff Andy.] and with Aaron’s killer still at large they’ll need to prove it — fast.  

It’s either that or Róisín could take up praying again, but it seems pretty late for that now.   

Thank you for your time and consideration,  

Yours sincerely,  

Notes

There's some good voice in the query, but some of it is getting in the way of making the story clear. 

I don't see why Róisín and Addison must work together. Róisín has no known investigative skills, and her only involvement (assuming she's not the killer) is that the victim had photos of her. It's my understanding that detectives work with partners, but that their partners are not chosen from among the suspects.

Does Addison know what secret the college boy was close to exposing? Is the secret that someone at the top of the small-town police department has been covering up the fact that a serial killer/pagan cult/coven of human sacrificers has been preying on the residents for decades? If that's the case, you've buried the lede at the bottom of the query.

How is college boy on the verge of exposing the secret? Is he doing an in-depth report for the college newspaper? Most industrious. I spent my college days playing cards and foosball.