Dear Evil Editor,
Eighteen-year-old Mea Gwen has all the tools to thrive in a 22nd-century society consumed by money, power, and virtual realities. Too bad she couldn’t care less. She would rather join America’s first Intragalactic Pioneer Program than stay on Earth, even if that means leaving her family’s multi-billion dollar tech company behind.
But before she can experience life among the stars, Mea’s kidnapped by the Reformers, a terrorist group led by the creators of a popular VR game. To prove that the elite aren’t untouchable, the Reformers force the richest of the rich to participate in a deadly competition, and winning is Mea’s only hope for survival. Determined to get back home, Mea promises to do whatever it takes to reach the number one spot.
As she’s pulled deeper into the game, Mea discovers that the Reformers are part of a political conspiracy to gain authoritarian control of America. Either she follows their rules to [possibly] save herself, or she risks her life stopping a plan that would break an already divided country.
A PAWN OF SEDITION is a 90,000-word Young Adult science fiction novel with culturally diverse characters. It delves into the issue of social and economic division and will appeal to fans of Warcross by Marie Lu and The Thousandth Floor series by Katherine McGee.
Thank you for your consideration,
(Not part of the query: I tried to rewrite the query to focus more on the science fiction aspects, but I'm scared it might've added more confusion and unnecessary questions.)
Notes
This is much more intriguing and informative, and I don't have many questions. While I'm interested in whether Mea has to kill other contestants to win, as in The Hunger Games, or whether she's indirectly responsible for their deaths by winning, you've at least said that winning is the only hope for survival.
It's possible some reader could at first misinterpret "Either she follows their rules to save herself, or she risks her life . . . " not as her choice, but as cause and effect. If it said "She must choose: either follow their rules and possibly save herself, or risk her life trying to stop a plan that would break an already divided country." there'd be no ambiguity.
Of course since she's not guaranteed to win the competition, and the Reformers can't be trusted to spare her life if she does win, her life is at stake no matter which choice she makes. She might have a much better chance of survival by trying to stop them, depending on the skill level of her opponents in the competition. Like if the competition is one-on-one basketball, and the other competitors include LeBron James and Kevin Durant, even a 1% chance of stopping the Reformers would be worth the risk. But that's more a concern in the book than in the query.
6 comments:
You might want to clarify whether the deadly competition is part of the VR game the terrorists created, which I assume is also used by a lot of uninvolved people. If it is, you might want to include what flavor of game it is, and whether the captives can interact with non-captives in the virtual realm. If it's not, you might want to mention what kind of game the captives are involved in.
This reads ok as backcopy. I think an agent might want a few more specifics.
"As she’s pulled deeper into the game, Mea discovers that the Reformers are part of a political conspiracy to gain authoritarian control of America. Either she follows their rules to [possibly] save herself, or she risks her life stopping a plan that would break an already divided country."
I'm not crazy about this paragraph. I don't know if it's too wordy, too vague or too dry.
I'm tired so I'll look at it again tomorrow. But let's say for now that I lost interest here.
Thanks for the feedback! I'm not the best at writing query letters. It's definitely hard trying to find that balance between giving out too much info to the point where it's confusing and having the letter too vague. It still needs a good amount of work, especially with my writing. There's no voice to me, and I'm trying to fix it.
That was it! Voice. There was no voice.
I was so tired this morning.
Suggestions:
P1S2: May be better as simply “She couldn’t care less.”
P2S3: Trim it a bit. Something like: “She plans to leave her trillionaire family’s estate and join the first Intragalactic [Intragalactic or Intergalactic?] Pioneer Program.”
For me, StOn3henge is right about P3.
The rest is fine. Try to trim a bit more. Don’t need ‘culturally diverse’ in the query. Don’t need the ‘delves into issues’--might scare an agent into thinking it is full of political sermonizing.
I like the query except for one line. "Too bad she couldn't care less." Too bad for whom? It sounded like a line meant to be some kind of hook but it was just too jarring for me. Perhaps something more like, "But she couldn't care less." That would flow better in my mind.
Otherwise, it sounded a lot like the hunger games with virtual reality. I'd read it.
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