Feedback Request

Dear Agent,

Hidden Identities never stay hidden for long.

Emma wants Nick, but he is involved with Veronica, her arch nemesis. She thinks it’s impossible [hopeless]. [But then] Nick has [develops] a sudden interest in her [Emma] and she’s in denial until her dreams and her visions are revealed to her that it’s true [real]. There’s a monster lurking among [within] the town, murdering people on sight and Veronica is involved. When Emma becomes in [takes] her angel form, she will do anything she can to protect her town and her loved ones.

[This is not an improvement, so far. We start off thinking it's some kind of love triangle, then find out Emma has a superpower, and from nowhere there's a monster killing people, and finally Emma can or will become an angel. An opening like: Emma White will become an angel on her eighteenth birthday/when she completes the initiation ritual/next Wednesday. Maybe then she'll be able to win Nick Stone away from her nemesis, Veronica. Or maybe not, because on the same day, Veronica will become a demon. would fill us in on who Emma is right away.]

Veronica plans to keep Nick in her sights, but her relationship with him is on the rocks. She’s desperately trying to save it. The dark voice that lurks in her head doesn’t help either. The more she listens to it, the more she succumbs to the darkness within her. When she transforms into her demon form, she will stop at nothing to get revenge on Emma White, and anyone else who gets in her way. [This is all vague. Why does Veronica want revenge? Who wronged her?]

The closer they are to finding their identities, the sooner they realize that they are more connected than they think. [How are they connected?] Emma and Veronica’s stories intertwine to unravel the secrets that have been kept from them and how good and evil plays a role in their lives.

HIDDEN IDENTITIES, complete at 93,000 words, is a young adult paranormal romance and it is written in alternating POV. I think it will appeal to readers to fans of THE MORTAL INSTRUMENT SERIES by Cassandra Clare and HUSH, HUSH by Becca Fitzpatrick. This is a novel with series potential.

Notes

I still don't know why they don't know their identities or what will cause them to change form. Who's been keeping secrets from them? What secrets?

Face-Lift 1380

Guess the Plot

Hidden Identities

1. Emma White and Veronica Black hate each other, even though they don't know each other's identities, or even their own identities. Maybe it has something to do with their last names.

2. Boy-girl twins, separated at birth, now swingin' YAers, chance-meet at a rave. #Eewww.

3. Jude is in Witness Protection, but his cover keeps getting blown, forcing a change in place, name, and life. At his fourth home this month he realizes that wherever he moves, there is always a young girl with red hair next door.

4. Assistant librarian Harriet has hyperthymesia; she forgets nothing . . . until the day she loses her way walking the five blocks to work. When she finally gets there, homicide detective Dan Bruno is waiting. He’s investigating chief librarian Robison’s murder and needs the library identity records. Harriet disappears into the subbasement and gets lost again. Will her memory return in time to solve Robison’s murder?

5. Everly Smythe's multiple personality disorder gets a little out of hand when s/he discovers sixteen new identities have taken up residence, and they have soap-opera-esque relationships with each other.


Original Version

Dear Agent,

Hidden Identities never stay hidden for long.

There are secrets waiting to be revealed connected with two teenage girls in a small beach town of Sliver Den in sunny southern California. Emma White and Veronica Black never liked each other from the beginning. Emma has been crushing on Nick Storm, for as long she can remember. [So when Emma's archnemesis] Veronica [Black] had befriended Emma, only to betray her from behind and in turn, Emma avoids her at all costs. [If Veronica and Emma never liked each other, why would Emma accept Veronica's attempt to befriend her?] Her archnemesis has stolen him [puts the moves on Nick] from her and claimed [claims him] Nick as her boyfriend. Emma must reveal her feelings for her long-time crush [Nick] before it’s too late. [If V has successfully stolen him, it's already too late.]

What Emma and Veronica don’t know is that they are natural born enemies in their world of living among angels and demons. [Not clear what that means.] They notice the weird occurrences that have been happening to them. Emma can foresee the future with her dreams and her visions, and Veronica hears voices in her head and she does unspeakable things that no human would ever dare to do. [For example?]

The closer they are to finding out their identities, the sooner they realize that they are more connected than they think. Veronica will get her revenge [She stole Emma's crush. Isn't it Emma who would  want revenge?] and Emma will have to find a way to stop her. [If you declare that Veronica will get her revenge, you probably shouldn't suggest that there's a way to stop her.] It’s only a matter of a time until they find out the answers to who they truly are... [What will happen when they find out who they truly are? I think we need to know that.]

LOVE, REVENGE, and HOPE: HIDDEN IDENTITIES, complete at 93,000 words, is a young adult paranormal romance that follows the journey of these two teenage girls. I think it will appeal to readers to fans of THE MORTAL INSTRUMENT SERIES by Cassandra Clare and HUSH, HUSH SERIES by Becca Fitzpatrick. This is a novel with series potential.

I graduated from University of Redlands with a B.A in Creative Writing. I am a member of O.C Writers group and I am involved with SCWA. My works will be written under my pen name, Jasmine Bell. 

Sincerely,


Notes

I assume LOVE, REVENGE, and HOPE is the series title, and HIDDEN IDENTITIES  is this book's title? If the whole thing is the book's title, you need to rethink that.

Somehow I totally lose interest in whether Emma and Nick get together once it's revealed that angels and demons are running around. Maybe it's better not to tell me they're at the beach and then switch the setting to hell.

What are their identities? Are they angels? Demons? Is everyone else an angel or demon? How can they not know their identities? Are they in some alternate universe even though they believe they're in Sliver Den, California?

Start over. Paragraph 1: Who's the main character, what does she want, what's her current situation? The answers could be Emma White, Nick Storm, she's cluelessly living in a town populated by angels and demons and Nick is involved with that bitch Veronica.

Paragraph 2: What's Emma's plan? Just to win Nick away from Veronica, or is she consciously trying to find out her identity? Why does she think Emma White, teenager, isn't her true identity? Because her dreams come true? What goes wrong in her attempt to reach her goal?

P3: What's at stake? Their lives? The town? The world? What decision must Emma make that couls lead to success or failure in reaching her goal?

Naming them White and Black is not a good idea. Especially if Ms. White is an angel and Ms. Black is a demon, but I'd stay away from it no matter what. And Sliver Den isn't the greatest name for a beach town. Though it's better than Slaver Den.